My 17 year old has been lying to me for a while. I have tried everything! Now she is in trouble with the police because of friends she has that are in trouble with the police. She has fought me verbally and almost physically - we are going on years of disrespect, lying, not going to school on time, school issues, etc... I am almost DONE!! I cant put up with much more.
I thought disrespect to her teachers was bad enough. and to me and her dad, aweful too....but she has reached a new low. A "friend" of hers has been arrested before and is now involved in house robberies where a hand gun was stolen. They want her to tell them where he lives and she wont cooperate. They are saying she could be brought up as an accessory. I had many calls over the school year from the principal. I know she is smoking pot and we now have her boyfriend living in our garage because he was thrown out of his house. He is a nice kid - she verbally abuses him too. I honestly dont know where this child came from. I am at a loss. We have never treated her with such disrespect. And we try not to over indulge them - she has a cell phone and car I pay for but when i threaten to take those things it becomes almost physical OR she leaves and then I cant get ahold of her and I panic.
Take away the cell and phone... she may leave, but she's using those to get what she wants. I am so sorry, this is so hard, hang in there....
When I was a teen I got into some trouble my parents very calmly explained what it would take to remain in their home and what they would do if I couldn't follow their rules. My thinking was "yeah right they are my parents etc." two days later I came home to find a weeks worth of clothing and 50 dollars with a note that said "good luck, we are sorry you made this decision" on the porch. All locks changed and no one home. It was very scary. I spent the night at a cheap motel and was terrified all night long. The next day I went home agreed to everything they asked me to do and began following their rules, by the end of the week I had paid back the 50. They saved my life and there isn't a day I don't thank them for it. I still have that note in a frame on my bedroom wall. I took it with me when I went to rehab and it has been with me ever since. Both of my children know what that note means and so hopefully I will never have to offer them that same kind of ultimatum. It is going to be hard for you but in the long run she will thank you for it. Good luck to you and your family.
These are all things that I have been told by other parents that have been through similar situations.. Their children have mostly gotten it together but their lives have never been the same.
Depending on the charges at 17 she can be considered an adult.. Sorry to say, she "she has screwed the pooch" on this one.. She is now messing with the big guns..
I agree take away her phone and her keys. Hide the car somewhere else if necessary. You will be liable it she kills someone in that car.
This is it for her. You need to have her totally take responsibility for her actions. Take a step back. I would now treat her as though she is not a relative but a close friend. You can love her with all of her heart, but on all other things keep her at a distance. Treat her as a renter in your home. Give her responsibilities. Put a price on what she owes if she does not follow these responsibilities.
Keep room clean or $25. per week.
Wash dishes or $10. per load of dishes.
Mow the lawn once a week or $50. per week.
Clean the bathrooms twice a week or $40. per week.
(these prices reflect how much it will cost you to hire someone to come in and do this if she does not)
Change the locks on your home and do not give her a copy of the key. Instead she will have to be let in by you or your husband. That will mean if she stays out past curfew.. she will have to sleep outside or find a place to sleep. This will be HER choice. Follow curfew, we will allow you in.. Get back late.. She will fend for herself.
Let her know that she got herself into this trouble, she will now need to get herself out. IF she wants your assistance, MAKE HER ASK for it.. This way you can bargain with her.
"We will attend hearings, but this is what we expect....."
"We will put up your bond money, but you will owe us all fees incurred and if you run, you will owe us. We will sue you for any money we lose on this incident." Then get an attorney to make up the contract.. Or you all make up the contract and have it notarized.. You will all have to be present for the notary to sign it..
Let her know what the house rules are and if she breaks them, she is out. Do not back down.
I also agree that the boyfriend may be a nice kid, but he needs to pay his way. Make a list of his chores. Or put a price next to each chore so he will know what he owes if he does not do them. See above list.
I am so sorry that you all are having to go through this. I know you are heartbroken and scared. It will take a lot of strength to get through this, but you must be stronger than ever to help your daughter face the realities of what she has done and help her mature.
That means having her take this on as much as possible on her own. She needs to solve this so that she can move forward and find out how strong she really is, Right now she is a weak child, when other kids her age are so much more mature.
Are you just venting? If so........I'm sorry. The teen years are tough.
If you want advice......... we probably need more details. What are the consequences when she lies, etc.... More details!
My parents took in my cousin because he was like this and his mom could not deal with it. My mom did not work at the time and it did not take him long to like home better than at my house. She got him up for school if he fussed she took him as was in pj's. She had talked to the school and they were working with them. My mom went and sat right beside him all day so he could not skip class or leave school. It was as if he had a cop 24/7. Did not take him long to realize how much he loved home and wanted to go back.
Sounds like she needs to start thinking about her exit plan. Once she is 18 she is an adult and she can move out (and/or you can evict her). Standing on her own 2 feet might be a good experience for her. Sometimes baby birds need a push out of the nest before they learn to fly. She'll only have herself to blame for her failures and her successes. She'll need a job and a place to live. If she won't finish school while living with you, she can earn her GED. It's going to be tough, but do not bail her out of any trouble she gets into. If she's going to hang with a bad crowd, she's going to have to deal with the consequences of her bad decisions.
I don't have an answer but in response to other responses I have to say that the tough love/kick her out approach is much harder with a girl than it would be with a boy. I could kick out my boy and not worry too much about him, but kicking a girl out is much more scary.
Good luck with it. A few years of maturity will help a lot.
K.,
Don’t threaten to take her phone and car away. JUST DO IT! A simple call to the phone carrier will take care of the phone issue. Hopefully you have an extra set of keys to the car and hold the title? If so, it is NOT her car, it’s yours. If she’s getting high on pot, she may be drinking as well and should not be driving. Take possession of the car and store it in a place that she cannot access.
Talk to the police and ask them to take her into custody regarding the possibility of “being an accessory to a crime”. Being arrested while she’s still underage may be the wake-up call your daughter needs.
Right now you daughter is a disrespectful, abusive, juvenile delinquent. Very soon, especially give the fact of the people she’s hanging out with, she will be a disrespectful, abusive adult facing felony charges (i.e. guns/drugs/theft/battery) because she has no self-respect and has been out of control for years and has gotten away with it.
“Nice kid boyfriend”….There is a reason he got thrown out of his house. Have you spoken to his parents? He may be better behaved in your garage because all of a sudden, he had no roof over his head and didn’t know where his next meal was coming from, so he figured he better clean up his act and show you and your husband some respect. For me, I think it’s giving teens the green light to go ahead and have sex when parents allow a boyfriend or girlfriend to move in. In many, many cases these situations end up with a teen pregnancy….and that’s all you need.
Your daughter knows how to push all your buttons, she knows you panic and she is a bully. Perhaps a little confinement, loss of freedom and luxury items will bring her back to earth. Keep us posted.
Blessings....
So let me get this straight: your daughter is screwing up her life in many ways & you are providing her with a cell & a car! Her boyfriend got kicked out & he is living in your garage!
If you can't see what's wrong with this picture then nothing will change & you are basically telling her that you are ok with her behavior, so you are like an accessory to her behavior.
My 20 yr old dghtr got a 2.4 GPA & I took away her cell & her laptop (to much facebook=bad grades)........she called me 2 months later & said "You were right, I was on facebook way to much & I brought my grades up now that I didn't have any distractions"..........this is tough love that worked
TO ALL PARENTS: NEVER ALLOW A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND MOVE IN WITH YOU.....he needs to do exactly what you want your daughter to do which is to straighten her act up.....make him leave by this weekend.....tell him to apologize to his parents for his errors so he can go home otherwise he can go find a friend or relative to live with.
You have about a year left before she is 18 and an adult whether she likes it or not and time to MOVE out. It's time for mom and dad to put on the big parent pants and do some tough love and not be a "friend". Take the car keys and cell phone away and mean it. Call the police and have them pick her up and let them deal with her interferring with an on going investigation. Let her face the music she may realize that the friends are not so great but she may have to hit rock bottom to find this out and come back begging for you to take her back but on your new terms.
As for the boyfriend, he has to find a place of his own as well. You are not running a rooming house.
You two are not getting any younger and you must thinking about retirement and your future as a couple. Good luck to you. PS Just think of al lthe peace and quiet at your home -- ahhhhhh, nice.
