Teen Daughter

It sounds like you are very into nutrition, which is great! Have you tried:
going gluten-free
B vitamins
fish oils, esp. cod liver oil (can get in capsules)
St. John's wort

All these have been known to help with emotional balance and anxiety.

I have a 16 year old son that sounds just like your daughter. I am always afraid that people will think he is rude because when you try and talk to him he barely answers you. I am ALAYS explaining to others that he isnt rude, its just that he is very "shy" for lack of better understanding. He plays on the football team at school, does better than average for grades, but socially it is really tough for him. Most of the time he has "free" time he sits in his room playing video games. He does have a few close friends, but they dont get togather that much outside of school. I drive a bus and know alot of his peerws. They always say .."wow, your son is SO quiet" but they dont dislike him. What they explain to me is that he seems to have a wall up and its difficult to get to know him. I do think he is getting better as time goes on with his peers. On the other hand he is very intimidated by adults.(teachers, coaches, ect). Even I have a hard time trying to talk to him sometimes. He seems to just get angry with me is I get to puchy. If I leave him alone he seems more prone to come to me to talk. I too thought it was depression or some other anxiety...but when he did go for counseling, they really couldnt find any thing "wrong" with him. I have just learned to except that this is his personality and hopefully in time he will be able to over come it more and more.

Best advice I can offer is any group she can join would help a lot. It exposes her to different kids and eventually she will connect with someone she has things in common with. Youth Group at your church (she can join even if she doesn't belong or go to church), clubs after school or track, etc. I have a child who had social problems but has joined over the years different groups and now has a wealth of friends and kids they can relate to. Just getting them involved with other kids is my best advice. Don't let them come home and sit.
Good luck!

I'd recommend seeing a Homeopath. It's a very natural, whole body approach. Finding out her constitutional remedy can help balance her out. In the meantime you could try giving her Aconite when you know she's going to be in a situation where she may feel anxious. I give it to my kids before the dentist or a big test. It really helps them to not get worked up about things. You can get them at your local whole foods stores.

C.,

I feel for you! Nobody wants to see their kids not having any friends. She sounds like a very lovely young lady. My concern would probably be clinical depression. They are very closely linked to anxiety. Has she seen a therapist? I wasn't diagnosed until years later. My family always saw me as the "good" and very happy girl, but underneath I always felt sad. Don't give up on her!! I think you are doing the right thing by encouraging her to get out there and meet some nice kids. Because honestly who wants to be going to the movies with mom at this age?? (no offense!!)

Good luck!

H. Z.

Hi, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I was very very shy as a kid. Would never talk to people and actually felt shyer with people my age! My mum was my best friend too which was great except that she would often introduce me as her daughter who is very shy! That was mortifying and made me even more tongue-tied! I think at some point in life she herself might come to a decision to work on this. I know I made a conscious decision to never appear shy and now it's natural for me to be an outgoing person. But till then I think it's great what you are doing. From personal experience though I would just suggest that you don't talk about her shyness in front of her with other people.

My heart goes out to you - we all hate to see our kids suffer, we love them so much. I have an idea. You can get her two "gift certificates" to the movies and she could ask someone she knows, even if she only knows them a little. You can even ask her to ask another 'shy' girl - she may be doing the other shy girl and great favor! She can tell the girl that a relative gave them to her as a gift (which isn't a lie - you ARE a relative of hers!) and would that person like to go with her? Who does she sit by at lunch? Or maybe someone in one of her classes? Maybe she could ask one of them when they are at their lockers at school, or pass them a note in class before the class starts. Or pass them a note in the hall. That might be good for her to write it down and just pass the note to someone since she is shy to talk to people. As she hands the girl the note asking if she wants to join her using the free movie certif, she can say: "Wrote you this note, I'm in a rush today!" -- Good luck. I will say a prayer for her.

Hi C.
I was a lot like your daughter as a teen. After graduating high school i waitressed for a couple of years no more social anxiety. i had to work and did things way out of my comfort zone. i am sure she will be just fine sometimes it takes us a while to become great people. when i tell my mom friends that i was a shy child they dont believe it because 30 years later i know and socialize with everybody.
D.

Your post really hit home with me. To some extent I was your daughter as a teenager. Sure I had friends, but I hated any new or unfamiliar situations. Unless I was going somewhere with friends I was already comfortable with, I would never go anywhere without my mother. Even as a young adult I would have my mother make phone calls for me. I can't say what it was that turned me around. To say the least, it was a shock to many who knew me when I decided to go to law school There is nothing more freightening than walking into a court room and not knowing exactly what to expect. I never wanted to be a litigator for that reason. Now I am and I can honestly say it was the best thing for my social anxiety. I can walk into any place now with much less fear and anxiety I used to have. It is still there, but I am much better at dealing with it.

Social anxiety is very common and I think we all feel a bit of it even now as adults when we are entering new situations. I think you are doing the right thing for her by getting her involved in as many social activities as possible. You can't push her, but at the same time you have to expose her to opportunities to find her self confidence because that is what it really comes down to. And you are right, there are so many girls just like her out there and sometimes all it takes is a friendly smile to break down the barriers.

I don't have advice on what you should do. But I was exactly like your daughter. I cried on the first day of school for years because I was afraid I wouldn't know anyone. When I went to high school it was a parochial school in another town and I did have a couple friends from junior high who went too but for weeks I wouldn't go in the cafeteria because I was so afraid to not know anyone. I don't know if I ever would have met friends if I didn't have those friends to get me in with the people they met. I literally would not speak in a group I didn't know.

It's great that you are so close with her and get her involved in groups. I wish my mom had done that. It would have been helpful! I did have friends I socialized with but it took forever to get there and making new friends was so difficult for me. I would have things to say in my mind but just couldn't say them. I really don't look back on high school with anything other than fond memories though.

Some people are just shy. So you can only do what you can do and keep helping her. I actually got over it when I was 20. I went abroad for the summer and decided I wasn't going to be that shy person anymore. (It helped that I felt really in sinc with where I was) My senior year in college was great and much more social.

Now people who know me are surprised that I was like that. But I still hated professional networking events. Hated them. Other than that once I got over it it wasn't a problem socially any more (it's been 20 years). So continue to do what you can to support her; sounds like you are doing a great job. As long as you know she is not depressed, just keep trying to help her and be her friend. It's may just be the way she is.

Hi C.,
It sounds like you're doing everything right. Have you talked with her about her feelings when she is in these situations? If you can get her to open up about exactly how she feels you can work on it with her and rule out anything worse than social anxiety (depression, for example). It doesn't sound like the case to me, because she is very involved in activities and has lots of interests. It seems like it will be a matter of time before finds one person she clicks with and probably lots more! I think just continue to support her the way you have been, she sounds like a wonderful young lady who is about to flourish. She actually probably has lots of admirers, both male and female, is just too shy to notice! Good luck.

C., you just described by 13 year old daughter to a tee! Except my daughter would never go on stage. She doesn't like any attention paid to her (except at home!). It is very sad, but she does have a few friends. Even with them, though, she doesn't seem to be part of the conversation. I talked to her doctoer about it, and he have me a couple therapists to talk to. I think a little therapy would help (if I can get her to open up and talk to the therapist). I have been contemplating anti-anxiety medication, but I don't think that children can take that kind of thing. Just know that you are not alone. All I can do is be there for my daughter and make sure she knows that she is awesome in every way.

I, too, have a very shy daughter. It seems to me like she is always looking longingly in the shop window, but can't find the door to go in. You are not alone. Our society is conditioning our kids to believe (and the parents, too) that our girls should all be "Gossip Girls" or "America's Next Models." The reality is that most teenagers suffer social anxieties and not every human being is outgoing. It sounds to me like you are doing every thing right..... My daughter has benefited from running. Almost every kid can do it and be on the team, even if they're not a top contender.... See if she can find a team or group to join through church, the library, your health club, a job, whatever. I keep on reminding my daughter that she is just the way God wants her and that we love her! Take care.