You are right in many ways. She probably doesn't know how to cope with your cancer, and teenagers today, more than ever, think it's not going to happen to them. I have an 18 year old son who has tested the limits big time. Counselling helped us but he really did not change. We finally sat him down and told him we needed his help. My husband is disabled and I work a lot to keep up financially. So, we told him he needed to get a part time job to handle some of his expenses. I explained to him how it affects me when he does not do his chores. I also laid it out clearly that we were done fighting with him. Either he starts acting responsible or he leaves. At first he was very bold and said he would leave. I asked him if he had any money for food....no. I asked him where he would sleep. He said in a car or whatever. I pointed he didn't have a car or a driver's license because he let his grades drop in school. When he was faced with the reality of life, he backed off. We said we love him and would not want him to leave but life could not go on in the same way with lack of responsible behavior and fighting all the time. When he said he "has a right"....I pointed out that we had rights also and he was not respecting our rights. When he finally got the message and calmed down, we talked. We came up with an agreeable time for curfew and appropriate consequences for breaking the rules. Does she have a cell phone? If she doesn't, get one. It is the only way to keep track of your teen and if she does get into trouble she can call you. We do not look at the cell phone as a privilege but a necessity in today's world with perverts living right down the street. However, she must comply with rules regarding the phone. If our son is not following the rules, we take the phone away unless he is going out. When he returns he turns in the phone. I pay the bill, I set the rules. The bottom line is to set structure but communicate. They're growing up and have to have some control. Always let her know you love her and you do worry about her because you love her. Tell her you need her help to fight the cancer by obeying rules and helping with chores. Teenages are basically selfish but if you keep calm and involve them in decisions they are more likely to agree. Is this the answer? I don't know...we found a way to make it work for us. You can find your way. Take down the enemy lines and make friends with her so she can let her defenses down. By the way, my son is biologically my grandson but we adopted him after our daughter died from a malignant brain tumor. So I understand your battle with the cancer and I totally understand the problems with teenagers today. We have learned so much! I wish you well and hope you can find some peace with your daughter and beat the cancer. There is so much more they can do today than when we lost our daughter 17 years ago. I will pray for you..
