Teen Backtalk

For discipline you might want to try sticking a bar of soap in his mouth until his demeanor changes. That has helped with my 3 year old's attitude.

Try taking him out someplace he likes, just the two of you, treat him to a fun time, and don't talk about anything heavy. Just spend an hour or two enjoying him as a person. No lectures, no advice, no anything like that. Then the next morning before the day really gets going, stop by his room and tell him (again, alone) in very brief matter-of-fact words that it makes things difficult when he talks back, and it would be better to just talk it over with you whenever he has an issue with something you want from him... and then go on to wherever you were on your way to. Then follow up that weekend with a family meeting, and do a round table of letting each person speak while you take notes.

With a family your size it would help to have regular family meetings and give each child a certain amount of time (3-5 minutes, and use a timer that dings NOT your voice saying time's up) to say whatever is on their mind. You and your husband would be the last to state something -- and then take that time to give a meaningful and sincere compliment to each child, as well as to each other. It would also be useful to make notes of what each kid says, and then take it into account.

When people feel respected then they tend to respect others more.

At the same time, I am assuming that you have definite lines drawn in the sand of what sort of behavior will and won't be tolerated, and dread consequences for all breaches -- no exceptions at all ever.

Many families have delightful times with their teenagers, and others endure a living hell on earth. Keeping the communication lines very open and safe is a factor in the more peaceful homes...

Books I would suggest are by Dr. James Dobson; he recently put one out about raising boys. I think you will find it an excellent resource!

The very best to you ;-)

Whenever my girls' desrespected me or anything. I would go "shopping". I would walk into their room and take whatever and how much I thought would be the right for the punishment. Also, grounding from friends coming over and calling. Good luck to you. P.S. Make sure they have extra chores while misbehaving as well.

I don't have teens yet myself, but I remember as a teen being grounded from the phone was pure torture!! My mom would answer calls and let my friends know I couldn't talk with them because I was grounded!! I heard somewhere once about grounding your children from "electricity". Basically, they can have a/c and lights and hot water because you can't take that away from the rest of the family... but anything else with a battery or a plug that runs on electricity is fair game for you to take away and for them to have to earn the privilage to get back. Depending on the infraction, you can take away one thing at a time, OR take it ALL away and start with NOTHING and they earn back one thing at a time. You can make a list together--- TV, phone, Ipod/CD player, even hair dryer, electric toothbrush, and toaster!! Being grounded from TV as a kid always was a killer for me because that meant I had to be alone in my room while the rest of the family watched in the living room. Of course be sure she understands that you aren't doing it to be mean for the fun of it-- but for the big picture which is to learn to be respectful and to set an example for younger siblings

I have been there and have done that twice and have three more to go. Unfortunately, it does trickle down, sorry to have to break it to you. I tried lowering curfews, taking away privledges, adding chores, and even making them pay me for their infractions. Finally, I decided enough was enough. I did not let them talk to me. I held up my hand, with a firm ach (not sure how to spell it) and a "I have spoken". Every time they said something back, I repeated it. Did they get mad? yes? did it work overnight? no, it seems like it took forever but eventually it worked.
They just want some control, and they just want you to hear what they have to say. They are trying to spread their wings a bit, and assert their independence and they want you to know it. When I cut them off, they got angry and they felt like I didn't care what they had to say. We started a discussion forum. Sometimes, they wrote me notes, sometimes we had meetings. If you get mad, or ugly then you have to leave the meeting and the discussion is tabled for another day. My motto is "This household is not a decromatic one, it is a dictatorship and I am the dictator". However, I don't mind listening to your opinions, or concerns. Just do it at the appropriate times and the appropriate way. They know ultimately I am the boss, but that I do care about how they feel.
My next oldest is almost ten, and he is starting it already. Of course, he has watched his two sisters, grow up and become adults with lives of their own. Unfortunately, he is also smart and working on ways to wiggle out of the rules :) It's fortunate for me, I don't mind a challenge! Their are two more after him! :)
Good Luck and remember "Your the woman" and you can accomplish anything! I just keep repeating it to myself over and over silently when I am ready to blow. Don't get mad, or combatitive with him. Your playing into things. Just state matter of factly "I'm done, or I have spoken, or I am not discussing this with you now". Whatever you pick for your "that's enough" statement and don't tolerate anything else.
Good Luck to you! You can do it!

Hey T.!!

Been there - still doing that! My sons are almost 21 and 18. The 18 yrd old has 16 year old lapses every now and then! It's very much like having a small child. When a child gets a strong emotion - they cry or tantrum. It's the same thing with teenagers, only they spew backtalk and meanness! It's important that you don't say anything you'll regret - no matter how rude he is! It's hard!!

As soon as they figure out how to communicate their needs, and, with boys, sometimes they like to try some Alpha male behaviors! I used to laugh - not a good idea!

If this is you biggest worry with a teenage boy, you're doing a great job! Take him aside when you're getting along well and explain to him that he's setting a bad example for the little ones. Ask him what he would do if he saw (next in line) hitting you. Tell him that's what he's doing with his words, and that's what the little ones are seeing. It won't stop, but it will cause him to think a little bit when he's around the younger children.

Good luck!
M.

I'm only 23 and I'm the oldest and I clearly remember giving my mother hell when I was in high school and lived at home. I ended up moving out when I was just about to turn 17 because I didn't like her never ending list of rules. I remember basically trying to start a revolution amongst my 4 younger siblings to all unite against mom. And that all started with simple backtalk. I'm not trying to scare you, but ultimately the reason I never gave my mother a break is because she never gave me one. I was a straight A student in honors and AP courses, involved in lots of extra curricular activities, a 20 hour a week job, and always taking care of my younger siblings. I don't know what the family dynamic is, but maybe you should let your son have some space. I always felt (and still feel) that I proved enough responsibility to have some space and when I didn't get it, I lashed out. I wasn't often allowed to go out with friends, wasn't allowed to own a car, wasn't allowed to drive my mother's car, wasn't allowed to go to parties. All for my mother's fear that I was too immature for those things. Well, I moved out and lived in an apartment with 12 other fellow high school students. Ultimately, graduated high school 3rd in my class and went on to attend the University of Florida. I didn't speak to my mother from the time I moved out until I got pregnant with my first child 10 months ago. Thats a long and important time to miss out on because of over-zealous parenting. I'm not suggesting that is your situation because I don't know what it is. But, sometimes less of a leash on your kids will bring them closer to you.

As my dad told me kids are not human between 13 and 25. You can't stop it so just walk away without saying anything, Learn to say no and stand by it.

I have read 2 great books on discippline that touch upon your problem - "Magic 123" and "How to talk to your kids so they will listen and listen so they will talk" My kids are younger so I didn't pay much attention to advice for older kids but I remember thinking that it sounded like great advice.

I do not envy you. Mine aren't there yet... oldest is only 10. But I have had a few rounds with backtalk already. Of course, I'm sure it is Nothing compared to what a teen can dish out...
If you are familiar with "1,2,3 Magic"? You might try some of those methods. I don't know why they wouldn't work with a teen as well as a younger child. Like any method, you have to be consistent and you have to mean it. You'd just have to adjust what the consequences are... "Count" him/her when he/she is disrespectful to you... take away a privilege at 3. Start with losing their Ipod for the rest of the day, then lowering curfew by 30 minutes for Friday night... stuff like that...
Hope this helps...

What are the consequences if he talks back?

Does he know how to respectfully state his opinion and know that YOUR word is BOND?

There has to be ground rules. If you expect him to listen to you, then you have to listen to him....this newer generation is a lot different than the one I grew up in. (Im 34)...Back talk still is NOT permitted and I'm grown.

Make him earn whatever it is he wants to do and talksback about.

If he can't abide by the rules, take his cell phone, make him stay home, no dates, no sports...anything he likes. Then make him EARN them back by respectful conversation.

He may need to learn HOW to say something. Most often it is never WHAT is said, but HOW it is said.

Sorry to hear about that. If his/her father is not available to have a "family meeting" to talk about the lack of respect, and possible underlying causes.... then perhaps you can try finding a family counselor. If the oldest is not listening to you, no amount of rationalization will help. It could be this blessed teenager has been feeling depressed inside, and really needs individual counseling as well. From past experience, I can only say it, as in this old cliche: Anger is usually depression turned inside out.

[P.S. Sure, restrictions help... but only if the teenager is at least somewhat obedient. If they are "bucking" you, then you need outside, unemotionally attached help. Ya know, there are counselors in churches, as well.]

I pray for you and your bunch. God bless!!

Unfortunately I think this is just a norm for teenagers. They are trying to be little adults, but are still treated as kids by the world. With all of the hormones running around in their bodies, they lash out at the closest people to them. Since he's the oldest of 6, can you give him more of an adult role in the house? Give him responsibilities so if he succeeds, you can reward him and give him the frame of mind that his "seniority" is a special priviledge worth earning (but can be taken away too).

BUMP!!!! wish i could help you ine is 17 and he is soooo disrespectful and all these kids that i have met now days are i just do not get it. i would never say the things to my mom or dad that he says to me and if i ever did i'd be missing teeth. sometimes i think it would not hurt him to miss teeth. LOL. good luck-let me know if you ever find anything that works ok.
mine will even dot hat teachers, principals, he does not care.