This is not so much a question as I am looking for opinions. It seems to me that today's kids don't support each other. Everyone seems so concerned that their activities, school, etc.. is the best that they can't be happy for someone that does something different. My child just got accepted into a magnet school for next year. Her best friend applied to another magnet school but has not heard if she has been accepted yet. Her friends reaction was that our school is really easy to get into. I should add that my daughter didn't brag about getting in, her friend asked her and she answered. Her friend's Mom was standing there and instead of congratulation my child, said it true, almost everyone that applies to that school gets accepted. Not that it really matters, but that is not true.
Another, simiular thing happened with basketball. My other daughter plays but doesn't really put her whole heart into it. I think she only plays because her father did. The Coach asked several girls if they wanted to try out for an elite, year round team. My child didn't but a friend did. She made the team. I hope she congratulated her, I think she did. The problem is the friend keeps talking about how wonderful it is. She got a special cute warm up suit, new bag, all kinds of fun cute stuff. I don't blame her, I know she was excited. But of course my child then wishes she had tried out. This friends Mom told my daughter she wasn't good enough to make the team. Which I agree maybe true but did she have to tell her that?
I try to teach my children to be happy for their friends. If they try out for some thing and don't get it, to try harder next time. But it's hard if their friends don't support them.
I just thought of another example. One of the girls in our Girl Scout troop got a part in a local production of The Nutcracker. We tried to get the group to go see it but only 2 of them wanted too. One girl, who doesn't even take dance, told me she could have gotten a bigger part if she had tried out.
Is this a problem? Is it a comment on our society? Or am I just being too sensitive?
This is the way of the world. Kids and kids and don't know any better; parents are adults that choose to be beotches and a-holes. You can't teach class, it just has to be realized. Or not.
I'm sorry to say it's human nature. I'd like to say it's immaturity, but if that's the case, a lot of adults are immature!
Maybe it's a good idea to look at it, though.
Envy is a killer of relationships, wherever you are or whatever age you are. We are so concerned about what will give us "points," what will make us (at the least) worthwhile. Am I only worthwhile by being better or more talented or more attractive than somebody else? If my sister does something special, does that make me ordinary? If my friend has something I wish I had, does that make me a loser? I can be tempted to think so, and it's the easiest thing in the world to want to destroy someone else's special thing or special moment with words or looks. I've even seen it at children's birthday parties, when a child receives a present that a guest wishes he or she had.
It works the other way, too. If I get on the team and you don't, does that make me better than you? Do I get to gloat? Do I get to look down on you now? Am I big if you are small?
Not everyone is competitive in this obvious way, thank goodness, but every single person wears an invisible sign around the neck reading, "I WANT TO BE IMPORTANT." That's why this kind of thing can be rampant. Dorothy Sayers wrote long ago that envy "hates to see other men [generic - both male and female] happy.... It begins by asking, plausibly, 'Why should not I enjoy what others enjoy?' and it ends by demanding, 'Why should others enjoy what I may not?' At best, envy is a climber and a snob; at its worst, it is a destroyer; rather than have anybody happier than itself, it will see us all miserable together." (I was just reading that this morning.)
Those are pretty strong words to apply to children, but perhaps we parents and grandparents can use them to examine ourselves (and our influence).
I hope you can encourage your daughter to be happy for other people's successes without considering their successes as a reflection on her own value.
Oops. Sorry this is so long.
I think moms should be on this, but the kids probally are hearing it from these moms.
My daughter is not athletic but the first two times she went bowling with the school, she won out of 82 kids. Her "best friend" wept, yelled, and then told other girls my child should have let her win. Several girls got mad at my daughter for "making the girl cry".This girl is used to winning anything sporty. Her M. said "Well, perhaps I am too competitive" but she did not correct her daughter. When other adults started staring her down and encouraging my child, assuring her she did nothing wrong, then the M. got embarrassed.
It's the home atmosphere... as we all know, you can't say something once to a child it has to be over and over and over again for it to sink in. So a parent who doesn't constantly talk about supporting others, etc. will have a child that acts like the children in your example does.
One of my daughter's can get sarky when she doesn't win, when someone does something better, etc. I can't stand it!!! We now at the end of our dinner and AM prayers say "and thank you lord for allowing us to be grateful for what we have and for what we do AND to be happy for what others have and what others do".
It's actually helped quite a bit... she still gets upset, but she now catches herself before she says anything!
Kudos to the other parents who stood up for your daughter... it's the way it should be.
I can't say that I haven't experienced this but yet my oldest is only in 1st grade so I haven't came across as much as you have. My daughter has a friend that likes to compete with my daughter, I thought it was just her personality.
I think someone said it right in another post I asked the other day about people pointing fingers...the world is lacking empathy. I think there are a lot of people out there that don't feel "it's their job" to make others feel better.
Congratulations to your daughter!!
I don't think you are being overly sensitive at all. Unfortunately children are not taught to be nice any more. We try very hard to help our children learn how to treat people: support your teammates, back-up your friends, and treat people as you would like to be treated.
Children in our society are being brought up to believe that they are the center of the universe, it starts at home with the attitudes of the parents!!
M
I remember kids being not so nice when I was young too. I think it's mostly immaturity. We have the nicest neighbors - very low key, not self promoting at all. Their daughter is so obnoxious with the "that's easy!! I can do that" stuff all the time. I assume they don't see it much bc I thnk they'd teach her. Yet it's partly her personality. I expect they'll train it out of her but for some reason, my kids aren't like that and never were. My oldest's teacher complimented her/me on it and I'm not sure it's bc I've taught her to be modest. Maybe we have - I do say how I can't stand when people brag etc but it hasn't come up so often that I'm sure she is modest bc I told her to be. Or she's happy for friends bc I've taught her that. Some kids are competitive and some aren't. My sister's oldest is apparently very smart but not competitive at all. My sister has asked her "so... if Suzy got a better grade, how would you feel?" And the daughter just shrugs and says in a perplexed voice like why are you asking- "I woudn't care". So I think some is taught and some is how people are born. I'm sure some comes from the parents being self promoters themselves, competitive etc but that's always been around. In the long run, your kids will be much better off socially being as they are. I agree those kids are being rude and obnoxious but I'm not sure all kids are like that and I think that's human nature.
I don't think you're being too sensitive. In the examples you gave, it sounds like the parents are teaching their children to think and behave that way. I'd be more upset at the parents who made negative comments. I'm glad you're teaching your daughters how to be a good friend. If I heard comments like your examples, I'd call them out on it. Not in a rude way, but to point out that you expect you and your daughters to be treated with basic respect.
I think it's important for your daughters to see you stand up for them, so they learn those kinds of comments aren't the attitude of a true friend. Something along the lines of "My daughter works hard at school, and I am proud of her and excited she has been accepted at X school. We hope you also get some good news soon for your daughter." Or if it's someone you know well and don't want to make it a big deal, something along the lines of "Why you gotta be hatin?"
Beautifully put, Mary L.
you're not being overly-sensitive! Unfortunately, this is a true reflection of how many children today behave. Common kindness seems to have disappeared.....& I work very hard to instill it in my son.
I will never forget the day my son wore a new shirt to school. He had just bumped up into men's sizes & had a shirt from Hollister. It was bought early Spring, it was a plaid long-sleeved shirt.....& a girl at school said to my son, "hey, I saw that on the clearance rack. That was in style last fall". A point of pride for my son became a smartassed remark from a cruel girl. & that seems to be how life goes.
& my son is not innocent of this behavior either. I am shocked at times at how he speaks to his friends! It's certainly NOT uplifting.....& I hate it. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "you suck" during video games. Hate, hate, hate it!
But, I also have to admit that I'm not innocent either. My Sis & I have fun calling each other "B*tch"....all in play when we're joking around. Not the best example for the kids.....thank goodness the youngest 2 are 15!
Teaching your kids to be happy & to rejoice in other's triumphs is a tough lesson in life. I applaud you for seeing the lack & wanting to encourage your children to be better citizens!
I don't think you are being too sensitive. I teach in a public school and, as a whole, the children today seem to be much more self centered. It seems like the parents just don't really care to teach their children the values that used to be an ideal. From what I see, the kids have an entitlement attitude and expect instant gratification. They think nothing of how rude and ill mannered they are. It is a pretty sad change that is occurring in our society, and it is pretty rampant.
You're being overly sensitive. These are kids. I don't think the kids are trying to say negative things, they are just trying to make themselves feel better. If my GD came home and told me about these incidents, that's exactly what I would have told her - they are trying to make themselves feel better so rather than to be angry with them, let's try to put ourselves in their shoes. Yes, we might have done the same thing. No harm done. Let's forgive, forget and move on. Again, empathy!
I think kids tend to dismiss things when they are jealous, just like adults unfortunately. I think it's great you teach your kids to be good friends and unfortunately you cannot make other parents do the same. Continue what you're doing and if I was you and heard any of these conversations, I would definitely say something like, "We're really happy for __ that she got the part in the Nutcracker and we should congratulate her and support her." Maybe it would be just enough of a hint that that's a really hurtful comment.
I think it's the nature of kids to be this way, if they are not taught otherwise. But it's the parents that have to teach them and have to sometimes catch them "in the act" in order to correct them - otherwise the parents may not even be aware of what is going on. Unfortunately I suspect that in some instances, it's coming from the parents themselves, if kids see their parents act this way, think it's funny or cool to be snarky or insulting. Or the parents are super-competitive themselves and expect their kids to always be the best at everything.
What we really need to do is teach our kids to be "bucket fillers" who add to the happiness and good feelings of others, rather than "bucket dippers" who take away.
Probably depends a lot on the kids....and the parents...and the "climate" at home.
My son is in 3rd and I have heard him be supportive of his friends.....not sure the age of the kids you're talking about but maybe it's something they also grow into?
