Teaching Boys to Be Independent

My son is 16 now and he was the same way and still is sometimes. I even asked the doctor about the hygene issues and he said that it will get better once he starts to get interested in girls. He is better now. I think it is almost impossible to get them to do things without nagging. Maybe you should try warning them. Tell them you will give them two or three chances telling them to do their chores but after that start taking privileges away. I have tried doing this and I have also punished him at points. It still happens from time to time but not as much. Good luck!

Hey, they are just being normal boys! My 24 year old is just getting the hang of thinking ahead and seeing the overflowing trash can. Boys are just not executive thinkers as women are, so relax and know that the nagging will eventually give them the idea to look around and look ahead.

S. T, I am the mom of two girls, but I guess training is training whether it be for boys or girls. The Bible says that we are to train our children in the way that they should go, so that when they are old they will not depart from it. (your training)(Proverbs 22:6) My advice to you is this if you are not training... then it's you who are being trained. You have to establish order in your house. It's not too late they are still young and under your control. When you give an instruction you must follow through with it. It's the same in our lives when we don't do something that should be done then there is a consequence to pay. If you don't catch and correct thier behavior now you will cripple them and the behavior you see now will spill over into other areas of their lives and you don't want for them to become adults who have issues that resulted from something so small as not doing thier chores, brushing thier teeth etc. You want to raise little boys who will become productive men in life. Be careful.....more is caught than taught....they will mostly do what they see you do more than what they hear you say to do.You are the parent and they still need your direction and guidance, although they are 11 and 13 it doesn't mean that they should automatically "know what to do" at that age. You have to set the standard for them and see them through it until it becomes "Habit" They need to be trained. Set up some guidelines for doing what is right. See how that works. But you have to put your foot down and say what you mean and mean it. Get a belt out if you have to. Build some character in your boys they will love you for it in the latter years of your lives.I pray that this advice will enlighten you a little and cause change in your lives. Don't be hard on yourself take one day at a time and trust God. Let HIM guide you as you sguide your children. I'll tell you another Proverb and then I'll let you go....Proverbs 4:13 says that we should take firm hold to instruction, and do not let her go, for she is your life. The bibe is full of these Proverbs and so much more of life giving advice and instruction. Get one and if you don't already have one and see for yourself. Be empowered to prosper S..

A. ~

I don't know if you are a Christian or not but there is great book written by a Christian psychologist kevin leeman. It is called how to make your children mind without losing yours. here is a link to him speaking on focus on the family recently about this book. I don't have children your age but it sounds like good advice.
http://listen.family.org/daily/A000000856.cfm
hope it helps.

S., Girl iam feeling you on this. I have two son as well. One is sixteen and one is fourteen. My sixteen year old no problem i only have to ask him one time but most of the time i dont have to ask. ON the other hand my fourteen year old is totally different. He missed the bus two days in a role this week because he would get up when the alarm clock goes off. And as for personal hygene I believe the boy will go a whole month without bathing if i didnt make him. My other son I cant keep him out the shower. But no matter what dont stop what you are doing. My suggestion is start taking away things when they dont do it when you tell them to and start rewarding them when they do it without you asking.Because we have to do our part as mother to train them the right way because think about it they will need these skills when they get older and married and you dont want there wives telling them that they didnt get no home training. DO YOU? God bless P. S.

I'm not really sure what's normal for boys to do on their own at specific ages because my son, who's almost 10 still has to be reminded constantly about these same things. Then again, he was also diagnosed with ADHD and high functioning Aspergers. So it might also be posing some challenges for us.

Anyway, he tries to be independent, even keeping an alarm clock to wake him up in the mornings, but when it goes off, it just keeps on going like he doesn't hear it. I have to wake him up myself.

But the psychologist we worked with suggested using incentives like rewards for him whenever he completes certain tasks that he's expected to do. We have pretty routine schedules at the house so we tell him what needs to be done by certain times and all that. If he maintains the routine, he gets his incentive reward on the week-end, which is normally the chance to play his favorite video games. We don't let him play video games on school nights (unless he did something exceptionally well in school) so that he has something to look forward to for his good behavior. Not only that, it seemed like the video games were distracting him from keeping up with the routine so we suggest other activities for him to do. Sometimes it includes cleaning up his room---but that's better than spending hours on video games.

Just a little input there, hoping it might help some.

I have a 10 year old boy, what i did was sit down with him, asked him to make a list of the 2 favorite things he liked to do (video games and basketball) .

then I made a schedule of the chores i expected of him , i started with the ones that involve hime directly, cleaning his room, showering, brushing his teeth, etc. and made a deal.

Whenever he would come to me asking to do one of his favorite things or watch TV, I'd ask him pleasantly, did you do your scheduled chore? did you brush your teeth, etc?? if he says NO, i just say, why don't you do that now and you can watch TV right after. Then stick to it. The KEY is Just be consistent.

My son now keeps his room clean, helps me cook and feeds the dog regularly (make it FUN! it helps a lot) . My 6 year old girl is the same way. Just have fun with them, but be FIRM and CONSISTENT. Be patient, it will pay off.

Take care!

STOP! Don't do it any more. They are 11 and 13, don't do it. If there breath stinks and there B.O. gets out of control...their friends will let them know. If they don't help you out...don't help them out, go on strike, don't cook them dinner, don't make their lunch, don't wash their cloths. It may seem harsh...but look at what is happening here...you taught them how to tie their shoes, wash themselves, brush their teeth, make a sandwich, on and on and on and on, and you did this for a reason, right? So they wouldn't smell and get sick and have their teeth fall out of their heads...which you explained to them, correct? That job is done, they have the skills thanks to you...way to go! But now, they need to learn to take the initiative, and you must teach them that next lesson. Your boys are failing to show up for life!!

S.,

I have a boy also 11 and we are working with him to increase his responsibilities around the house. One thing we have found really helpful at various times is letting him deal with the natural consequences of his actions. For example: if he doesn't get up in the morning, he will be late to school and will have to suffer the indignity of going to the office etc. Did that a couple of times and he wasn't late after that - in fact he's now very good about getting up on his own. If he doesn't get his clothes to the washer, he might end up wearing dirty clothes etc. He protests mightily about chores, but if we help him go though it a couple of times - especially if his Dad helps him rather than me (I'm persona non grata at this time in his life), I think he feels less overwhelmed and is more likely to take it on moving forward. A book that someone recommended to me when he was about 3 that I've revisited again and again is: Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries, by Robert Mackenzie. Every time things start to get out of hand (especially now that we're hitting adolescence!) I head for the book and always find something that gives me a fresh perspective. PS - we try (as recommended in the book) to let him know what's coming before it happens - ie. let him know that it's his responsibility from now on to get up on his own and that if he doesn't we won't do it for him and he might be late for school.

Hope this is of help! It's a challenging age!

I promise the hygene thing will change as soon as they discover girls and then you wont be able to get them out of the shower. I woke my kids everyday for school and my girls were easy but my son was hard I use to call him dagwood bumstead because he was forever racing for the bus. Boys I believe love to be nagged trust me its a test of motherhood lol. I figured I would be having to get him up for work but you know what he does himself now and gets up at 4 am so trust me they will change just enjoy them they grow up and are gone. So have fun!

My children are younger, but I have encountered the same problem and found great wisdom in Love and Logic. You can read more about it at www.loveandlogic.com, where you can also order the books and/or DVDs they have available. (You may also want to check your local library.) I really appreciate Love and Logic's loving, common sense approach to parenting, and feel like it gave me the tools to help my children learn respect and responsibility. Now I just have to keep using the tools! I hope you find Love and Logic as helpful as I have. Good luck!

My question to you is, what are the boys doing other than their chores? Are they watching tv, playing video games, riding bikes? If so, then instead of nagging I suggest turning off the electronic equipment, get them in the house, sit them down and treat them like "adults." Say, "Look, I need help around here and you guys aren't babies anymore. Let's work together to keep our home clean." Ask them to come up with all the chores they see need to be done around the house then ask them which ones they can take and divided them up. If they bawk, then calmly say, "Okay, then no tv or no video games until this gets done." Create a chore chart, and stick to your guns. If you see the tv on, turn it off, if you need to hide the video games, do it. It's time they learned some responsibility and nagging isn't working so try a more "grown up" approach. As for their teeth, stop reminding them and see what happens and if you can bear to have them be late one day, remind them to set their clocks for school because you won't wake them up, and stick to it. Good luck!

I have one boy, almost 14. We have hygene issues also. I do know this to be quite a common thing in boys. There are just some who have to be nagged and some who don't. So far I haven't found a great remedy for that one. I just keep telling him that I don't want him to be the disgusting smelly kid. And looking at teeth that are covered in gunk is disgusting and I don't want him to be disgusting. I don't want the kids at school teasing him, I use that too. I do threaten that he can do his own laundry if he starts smelling because I won't be doing it. He will still argue all the way to the shower. As for chores, I have one suggestion you can try. We do a chore box. It's a recipe box with a chore printed on a 3x5 card (colored card). Some chores are spelled out so their is no confusion, like sweeping includeds the foyer and kitchen. Stuff like that. We figured out all chores for the week and divided them among the children.That way it is written down and solid. We alternate what is what each day, but they are the same each week. I was supposed to switch them around once a month but haven't done it yet. We had a family pow wow first to introduce this. We talked about how stressful and frustrating it is for me to have to get mad all the time to get them to do their chores or be helpful. I am tired of yelling. This is to help alleviate mom getting mad so much. They also get consequences if they don't do their chores from their chore box. No playing, no tv, no video games, etc. I keep a copy on the computer. We still have usual issues of lazyness but overall it has worked pretty darn good.
Just a thought, hope it helps. :) Good Luck!

I'll never forget babysitting for two kids when I was in college. They were the most well behaved kids! Partly becuase their mother had a reward system on the fridge. So if they did do something, like make their bed, they were rewarded with points (there was a big chart on the fridge). These children were very motivated to earn points. The first thing she would do when returning home was walk up to the chart and ask me questions. Points were earned or not earned based on my answers. I don't remember what they earned, but they were the best kids I sat for (and I worked for an exclusive babysitting company). Maybe putting together a motivating system and whatever toy or game they want has to be earned.

I have boys about the same age and sure can relate.

I worked with special needs adults and kids for many, many years.

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I really think this is a very common problem. I don't think you are necessarily doing anything wrong.

We have a basic checklist -- today clothes, teeth and hair brushed, bed made, homework done + a zone (small area clean up that SHOULD take less than ten minutes) that must be done before any "screen time" or recreation. If I see them watching TV or playing a game, or even reading a novel, I ask "checklist?" If they haven't done it, it's 50 push ups plus a job for me immediately. This works great for my thirteen year old boy and my five year old girl. They'll ask me early in the morning, "mom -- what's my zone today?" My ten year old keeps trying to sneak past it. My seven year old girl has given up all screen time, says she hates the checklist and insists that it's stupid to brush her teeth.

My self-help book of the week --Overcoming Work Inhibition says that independence develops faster when we show joy at any step toward independence, not when we try to force it. It sounds nice, but I bet this author isn't home with his children all that much. I also like the Kevin Leman book -- he's big on relaxing and helping to make sure children get natural consequences. Any immediate consequence might reduce a need for future nagging.

Hmmm...I would start by taking away whatever it is they do instead of doing their chores right away so they don't have any other desirable option. And I would only tell them once and then have some sort of consequence system set up for each additional time they have to be told - I don't know them so I don't know what would work for them but there has to be something. Or put it on a more direct schedule such as "when you get home from school you do this" or "Right after dinner you do this" so they will soon not even need to be told bc it is a part of the expected routine. As far as waking them up, you can start by setting an alarm for them - even if you have to put it in the hallway at first to make them get out of bed to turn it off. Let them know if they're not ready for school because they didn't get up in time - tough, they're going as they are. And follow through. I think especially at that age they'll make sure they brush their teeth and get dressed first! Maybe I sound a little harsh but it's the best I can think of. Best of luck!

S.,

I have a 17 year old son.... and I can't say it's going
to get easier.... it's an ongoing battle....it amazes me how fast they want to grow up yet will not act mature in so many ways...as you obviously can see.

Although... I have found that with my son if you use some examples it helps.... such as hygene.. I told him that from experience.. if you go to school and you stink or your breath stinks... you will forever be known as "stinky boy".... kids at school are cruel...don't give them anything to work with. With their room... let them embarras themselves... invite their friends over and let their friends say something to them.... unfortunately we as parents are completely stupid, uncool, and know absolutely nothing..... and their friends, of course, are the experts on all... You might even be able to talk to their friends and set them up...

Although, with the room.... I still struggle...

The hygene issue will improve with age.... especially when girls come into the picture

Stay strong.... :)