Teaching Boundaries Without Braking the Spirit?

What a great question, M.--- your baby is way too young to keep it together- that's what mommys and daddys are for-- ( I'm a mom, grandmom and long-time preschool teacher - I LOVE little guys!!!) . So it can look like this:
he wants some juice but you are still cleaning up breakfast - so you can give him a sponge and say- ''YOU clean, too--- water in a while''' ( so you are not saying 'no, you can't have it'' - you are changing the subject to something he likes--at the same time saying there will be something to drink in a little while- but perhaps not sugary juice.

He wants to play with the cat in a way that you don't like --- - you can grab one of his stuffed toys and say '' THIS dog ( or kitty, or fish or whatever it is) likes to be squeezed----'''' You don't need to say yet ''' ''Oreo doesn't like that''' -- -- you just change the subject -- at the same time making sure he cant squeeze or step on or - drag - a cat or dog -- but it will be a long time before you can say to a 4 year old ''' You know Oreo needs gentle hands--- ''' . It will be possible ( perhaps) when he's 2 or 2 and a half to ssay '''' squeezes are for toys-- soft, open hands are for Oreo''' -- and perhaps get some measure of obedience, sometimes - but it's a long slow process and right now -- he can not obey --- he can't. So we distract, distract, distract - and sometimes we say firmly '''' I will move kitty ( or my good china - or my glasses - or --) you CAN play with--- whatever.

Remember, too -that children believe our body language long before they believe our words ( which they only understand some of the time anyway) -- they know that Mommy moves them away from Kitty when they are too rough- they believe that Mommy means it - and they begin to learn ''' Mommy and Daddy will interrupt me when i do THESE things- but leave me alone when I do THOSe things -- and be sure there are lots of things for him TO do -- with little brooms - with little boxes - with things like wht he sees YOU and DADDy and G'parents use.

Oh, You will have such joy

Blessings,
J. aka- Old Mom

Hi M.,

You have asked some great questions and have received some truly wonderful responses, especially from Wenda, Peg, and Judy. I'd like to add a little bit to what they have said.

You asked if you should try to redirect or stay present with what caused the tiny explosion of feelings (to use your words)? I think in many situations you can do both. In my own experience (I teach preschool and am a parent educator) little ones often get so frustrated when they can't tell you what they're feeling (read: aren't verbal enough yet) so I would encourage you if he has a meltdown because he can't more juice (for example), you can say to him:

Tasa, I see it's making you very angry/upset/sad/whatever that you can't have more juice right now, and it's ok to feel that way. I know this is hard for you, and mommy loves you. Would you like to go with mommy to your room while you calm down or would you like mommy to hold you right here?

This acknowleges the fact that he's upset because he wants more juice, and it redirects him in a sense that it gives him a choice about how he might want to calm down...and it helps him feel like he has some control in the situation. Also, it gives him ownership to his feelings, and lets him know that it's ok to feel whatever emotions he's feeling, all the while putting boundaries on behavior. Does this make sense?

Also, I wanted to mention that it's really important to let him know (and I think Judy mentioned this already) what he CAN do in addition to what he CAN'T do. There was nothing more frustrating to me when I was little than to have my parents constantly telling me what NOT to do. I can clearly remember looking up at my dad on day when I was about 6 after he was lecturing me about all my bad behavior and saying, "but dad, what CAN I do then?" Kids really need positive reinforcement as well, but I think you already know that!

I really think you are headed in the right direction though. I can tell by the questions you are asking! Feel free to send me a messege if you want some more support around emotional coaching, or if you have qustions ab9out it, I'm here to help!

Blessings,
M.

I'm so glad you wish to understand life from your little fella's perspective. Not only will this approach ward off uncountable meltdowns and keep your parenting positive for him, it will also be an infinite source of joy and wonder for you. I notice that you are already aware of this. I hope you will stick with that loving instinct, and not let other people convince you that you are too soft.

This does NOT mean you should be hands-off, of course. You and Daddy are his guides and mentors, and the happiest and most cooperative little kids I have observed over decades have parents who are sensitive and interactive. They teach their kids continuously, through compassionate connection and constant example. They don't hesitate to step in when the child is a nuisance to others or to himself, but their intercession is gentle, respectful, and in keeping with the child's level of development.

Judy's advice is right exactly on. Distract and redirect. Over and over. "Rules" don't mean much to a child in his first couple of years. Rules are occasions for frustration and failure. In their early years, the real learning comes from your example. (For example, my 3.5 grandboy usually says please and thank you, not because he is required to, but because the adults in his life are polite and respectful to each other.)

Patience? It scarcely exists yet, but you can help him learn it by extending his waits for something he wants for one more minute, or giving him an attractive alternative.

Impulse control? That marvelous little computer in his head isn't developed enough yet. Right now, he's all impulse, desire and need, and will only gradually learn self-control over the next 18 years.

Rules? Table manners, for example? Not realistic; at his age, food is for poking, mushing, throwing, and (oh yeah!) eating. Food is an ongoing science experiment Rules and highchairs are incomprehensible imprisonment.

Responsibility? He has no capacity for that as a concept, and won't for another year or two. But he can and will learn how that looks, feels, and functions by imitating you. Are you cheerful as you clean up the kitchen, fold laundry, or help him pick up his toys? Do you keep your word? Then he will learn those as naturally as he learns to walk.

When parents start applying rules too early, they interpret the poor results as a battle of wills, or the child pushing his boundaries. Then they think of their child as a little combatant, and the child may come to experience himself as an unlovable irritant to his folks.

There are lots of great resources, many free, like online videos. Google terms like "parenting, non-violent," etc. (as you google, jot a list of all the related terms that pop up and check them out, too.) And you'll probably notice many moms recommending Love and Logic. It's a very fine approach.

You sound like a great mom. A little coaching will help you refine your mommy strokes. My best to you.

You can teach a strong willed child boundaries without hitting. It takes more effort and will from the parent but it can be done.

Removing the child from the place of temper works most of the time. At your child's age just a minute or so. Do so without emotion. Tell him, "No...." Simple. As he matures, the time outs become longer if needed and the nos become more complex. But remain calm. If you must explode, do it outside (I did--frequently) with the door closed.

When you are on a trip outside the house on a trip, put him in the stroller at his age, leave the area, or go to the car. Tell him "No...."

Remember, he will test his limits, that is his age and his job. Your job is to keep him safe while he tests his limits.

This phase is when you don't sit down for a minute. As he grows he will test his limits more and more. (sigh)

Several of the previous posts are right on. I use a similar two-part approach with my son and the children I work with, empathetically addressing their feelings first and then providing a positive alternative or redirection. (As children get older, offering two positive choices in lieu of a wanted, but unavailable option, gives children a chance to save face and make choices that work for us all.)

One thing to keep in mind is that the empathetic language provides a myriad of benefits. When we say "I see you are sad because you wanted to have that (whatever it is)", it provides the child language to use later on when discussing their feelings. Our calm demeanor and loving actions (perhaps holding our child in a hug, giving them our undivided attention for a moment) lets our children know that we take their feelings seriously. While the feelings may be overwhelming to them, we can be trusted to contain them and neutralize them, either by accepting their emotions of the moment and just sitting quietly with them as they cry, or reading their cues and offering whatever else they are needing.

The book "The Science of Parenting" better explains the connection between brain development and the child's emotional life. Big brainy title, but easy to read and enlightening to boot. This gives us a window into why our children sometime experience such intense emotions.

I want to mention, too, that this is an age at which our children do best when we let them just work through their feelings. From my personal experience, many children of this age find discipline methods like time-out very confusing. They often don't understand why they have to sit down for a certain amount of time because they touched something they shouldn't have or got into some other mischief. Chances are, they are likely exploring. Better to adjust the environment (move forbidden objects out of reach and better yet, out of sight; move furniture that isn't being used correctly) and focus on transition rituals for things like going out, getting dressed or changing activities. Many children visibly do better over time if they know that after a song or two that they will be asked to switch gears and move onto what mom or dad need them to be doing. I mention this because transitions are by far the times of day that parents and children experience the most conflict.

I have more ideas, but the husband calls. Don't give up hope, this too shall pass! (in a few years!:))

There is nothing wrong with the word "NO". Remove the toys, the objects that he is throwing and tell him "NO". Take things away. You don't negotiate with a 16 month old toddler/baby. There are appropriate times and places to throw things, like pieces of bread to the ducks in the park or a ball at a laundry basket. Running out into unknown areas or heading full on for the stairs/steps is not safe. Catch him and pull him back, slow him down and while you do it, say why. But if he can't mind, then you don't let go of the hand and you don't allow him to roam free until he's capable of comprehending the consequences. If you think he's doing things out of frustration, pick him up and cuddle him, snuggle him and and calm him down, center him. There spirit and then there's out of control. You're not going to break his spirit or his sense of adventure, but you are going to teach him appropriate, safe behaviors. To not do so is putting his life and others in jeopardy.

1. Teach him sign language so he can communicate with you better. Signing Times are the best videos.

2. The Happiest Toddler on the Block--get the video, not the book; often available at libraries. Redirecting my boy at that age did NOTHING; the video helped me figure out how to make him feel heard, and then move on.

Good luck!

AMD

PARENTING WITH LOVE & LOGIC books or CD's will give you LOTS of great ideas.
I see too many parents TELLING their children what to do or not to do. They are not giving them choices (there's always a good choice and a bad choice)or to expect consequences. How would you like your child making bad choices at 18? If they don't learn at a young age, how will they know what to choose as teens? Start now.

I think it completely depends on the situation. Is he acting out due to the frustration of being thwarted? That is the time to be firm and then try to redirect. Is he acting out because you said no AND he's tired/hungry/needing a little attention, etc.? I think that's when to be a little more lenient and try to meet his needs first. My boy is 22 months and I've found that if he's is fixated on one particular thing (for example: we have to limit milk to meals or he'd never drink anything else.) redirection will often work. But if he's getting into trouble because I'm fixing dinner instead of playing with him, it's usually because he's hungry. If I give him 5 minutes of my time and a snack, most of the time he can make it till dinner. Good luck! It's frustrating and sometimes difficult to find the real cause of the tantrum instead of the surface cause, but always better if you can address what the true problem is.

You didn't say what sort of boundaries - I'd suggest having as few as possible. Obviously if he's hurting somebody that's not ok, but it's better in general to arrange his life so that he doesn't have a lot of frustration.

Walking out of the room always seemed to work for us. Throw your fit by yourself. The child isn't going to reason with you yet......and if he's throwing a bloody hair raising, exocism type LOL fit!!! well then he needs to be taken to a room where he's safe to throw it by himself or without an audience anyway. Anger is an emotion we all have and it takes time and maturity to learn how to curb it. Don't know about you, but I am not going to reaon with anyone when I'm mad! So don't waste your breath in the heat of the moment with little guy. He will learn however that he has a safe place to sort his feelings if he's left alone, or put in a safe place until he calms down. After the tornado, go in and say, now that you are not angry and screaming anymore, we would love to have you come join us. Nothing more said. He'll catch on eventually. At first he may burst into another fit immediately, and not even get out of the room, but over time with consistency he will put the pieces together. He knows enough now to manipulate the situation pretty well I bet. (Smile)

Of course he is way too young to manage his emotions. He probably doesn't even know what's really bothering him and that's why he's throwing the tantrum.

I've found that being 1) tired/sleepy, 2) hungry, or 3)having a dirty diaper are the number one causes of intense activity and emotion in my kids, so now instead of going to disciplinary and distraction techniques, I immediately start with the diaper, move to giving food, and then see if I can't put them to sleep in a stroller. Walking takes care of both fatigue and boredom.

To be more proactive, try to notice their sleepy signs early on (rubbing eyes, slowing down, laying down more, etc.) and work on getting him to sleep. If you are unable to rock him or convince him to sleep, again I recommend taking him for a walk in a stroller, or going for a drive if that works too.

If he is fixated on juice, a treat, a video or something else he can't have, and is throwing a tantrum, I could almost guarantee you that he is really sleepy or tired. Or, he could also be hungry and getting him anything to eat might level his blood sugar in the moment enough for him to calm down. But really, I think tiredness is the main cause of tantrums, and by the time they are throwing tantrums they are usually too tired to go to sleep!

I've read a lot on child development and I think it is important to always be kind because at that age they are really not doing anything except expressing distress. I recommend "Parking Lot Rules & 75 Other Ideas for Raising Amazing Children" by Tom Sturges.