Teaching Balancing Friendships

I was the friend that was left out a lot. It can be really hurtful and long lasting.

I think to encourage her to not leave another person out, is only to let her have one or two people over at a time, so she can learn to entertain small numbers. Help provide activities that will be easy for a group of 3 girls.

Also, help her think of ways to be a better friend and sincerely caring for them. Remind her how bad it hurts when she is ignored, and that she should remember that when she is the one doing the ignoring.

You obviously care so much or you wouldn't take the time to be there for them, and notice so much about their lives. I agree, it's hard to know when we're butting in on life lessons. My child is about to be 7 and I notice that she plays with the same girl all the time. We've talked several times about her other friends and if they have someone to play with, and how they feel when certain things happen. I want her to start to think of situations from other people's point of view. And also to ask her how she would feel in similar situations. She role plays really well, and I try to make it more fun than a lecture.

Regardless, she does what she wants. When I asked her 1st grade teacher if I should be concerned, she didn't think so. She said that she's mentioned to her a few times how glad she is that she gets to be in the same class as her best friend, and that she is monitoring the situation and sometimes placing new girls in their group to help them learn how to include others. When I'm not there -- I just have to totally trust the situation.

Of course, when i am there, then I can use the situation as a discussion to help her learn, and it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing.

As our children get older, we won't get this opportunity to help them learn -- they will listen less to us! LOL! So you are a caring mom to take the time while you can and make the most of it!

Also, just FYI, when our girls get to be teens and pre-teens (about age 11), there is an amazing book called Parent as Coach Approach by Diana Sterling. I'm even reading it now and its already helpful. It talks about how our role in our childs life shifts from Teacher - to Administrator - to Coach as they get older. This book is available as a monthly action plan where the teen girl and mom get to go through it together at My Life Compass.

You can check it out for free:
www.MyLifeCompass.com/NicoleSteiman

Blessings!
N.

I think as much as we would love for our kids to be empathetic towards others all the time, it is definitely something that comes with maturity. Its kind of a been there, done that.
Normally before my girls go some place I try to remind them of who they are going there for and what is expected of them. When they get back home we go over what happened/ Did they "dump" their friend in favor of another? Or did they get "dumped" Somemtimes it takes getting dumped a couple of times to know how they have made someone else feel.
We always want our kids to the the best thing, the right thing, but unfortunately we can't make them. You can lead a horse to water, but you can not make them drink.
I don't think you're being too pushy- you want her to be a good friend. Just keep reinterrating to her what she should do, how it hurts someone's feelings if she treats them badly and I am sure she will learn in time that she wants to be a caring person just like her step- mom!!

I think when she is leaving someone out you need to remind her of how she felt in situation A. Ask her if that is how she wants others to feel, and remind her that karma is going to bite her in the butt if she doesn't follow the golden rule.

As far as situation A she has two choices. She can look around and find someone else to be a friend with, or she can leave.

Situation B is the one that concerns me the most because if adults don't step in and label the behavior as completely inappropriate, kids get the idea that it's okay for them to do that.

As a substitute teacher (years ago, I'm a mom now) I had a student start making fun of another boy in the class. After too many years being the one who is picked on, I was enraged. I asked him in a rather loud voice what he was doing and did he really think he was better than said other kid. I sent him to the office and then called to tell them what had happened and to make sure he got there. He got out of that classroom in such a hurry, I'm sure he thought about it the next time. I really wish some of my bullies received the same treatment, not because I want them to suffer, but somebody needed to show some disapproval. Good luck.