Here are a few ideas:
- make sure he gets enough sleep. This is easily why he is having tantrums. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby is a book I was given by 3 friends when I had my first child and I think the ideas in here are like magic. I think kids who have tantrums are easily affected by lack of sleep.
- be firm in your rules. No hitting mama! If he hits, automatic time out for 2 minutes (3 minutes when he turns 3). In time out, no toys, no talking to him or letting him talk to you. At the end, he apologizes and you two share a hug. Other infractions may get one warning, then the time out...but in our house, hitting, throwing, and breaking the "big rules" get you automatic time out. If you balk at the time out, it moves to level 2 time out - in your room!
- pacifier. If he needs it still - occasionally - maybe it is not such a bad thing to let him regress a little. You could tell him that he can have it once a week when he really needs it. Let him decide, now or later. This will give him some control of the situation perhaps.
- adult meltdowns. We are all guilty of this...I have been myself trying to manage my anger and not letting myself have them in front of the kids. It certainly does not help things, and little ones who have no other way to complain (words/vocabulary) end up screaming and getting upset themselves. Find some ways to cool down or set up time w/ your hubby to have "conversations" (even heated ones) out of site of your child. It definitely will help your child feel more confident if mommy and daddy are getting along in his presence.
- Santa. Some kids are scared of the guy. Give it a break if he feels scared. Introduce a card w/ a picture, or a toy santa, and let him be "friends" through that familiarity. Speak of Santa's activities as fun and exciting, but if he is scared, empathize with his feeling and don't force it. Soon enough (in a year or two) he will be loving the idea of Santa!! (toys!!)
Good luck - It is not easy, and we have all been there. Just remember, 1) you are in charge, not the child, and 2) your child is trying to tell you something (either straight on, or by his tiredness) by the tantrums. Make sure he knows he is loved, and be comforting - "I know this is hard for you to stop using your pacifier" "I know you don't want a nap right now but it is time for your nap - When you wake up we can have a snack/snuggle/go for a walk", etc.