Tantrums - Dayton, OH

My girlfriend's son did the tantrum thing while she was shopping and she took him to the bathroom and spanked him. He also got a spanking when he got home. That was his last tantrum. I know all kids are different, but it's worth a try. M. B.

DO NOT GIVE IN!!!!! I have raised 4 children and have taught elementary school for 20 years. If you give in to the tantrum----even once---- she will tantrum longer and harder next time, because she KNOWS you will eventually give in. If you have to, leave your shopping cart full and GO HOME. She won't get public attention. Even if YOU are inconvenienced or you feel like you've been grounded, yourself, because of your decision, let her see that it is (that she is) important enough to do that. However, when my children were younger (they are now 17, 19, 22, and 23) I DID have one grocery shopping trick..... and it actually worked.... most of the time. When we walked in, and they asked, "Can I get something?", I ALWAYS said, "Yes, of course." I never offered it, but they almost always asked. The only string attached was that it could cost $1 or less. NOTHING OVER $1, and I never backed down from that. There were still times when I had to leave the cart and take them home. If you are ever going to give in to a tantrum, and you know you will, go ahead and give in from the get go.... DON'T wait for the tantrum. You always want your message to be, "Tantrums and fits will NOT get you your way." Children who are allowed to throw fits, misbehave, and be generally disrespectful ARE NOT LIKED... by other children or even other adults. Please, please, please don't be afraid to make your child mad at you. Molding a child into a happy, successful person that can have self respect and pride is a difficult task, similar to "nailing Jello to a tree". Ha ha!! Be a PARENT... the great parent that you are, so that your child will grow up to respect you, which makes it possible to respect him/herself. At 15 months, the "ME- ME" stage, this is really quite common, and should pass in a few months. Most of my advice is referring to what can happen down the road if you give in NOW. I still believe a spanking (NOT a beating) is an effective way to make a young child stop and think before repeating an undesired behavior. Look at it logically..... if you could stick a screwdriver in a plug outlet and not get a shock, but instead get an explanation for why this is not a good idea, would you ever truly understand the danger? A toddler who misbehaves and gets a spanking is much better off that a toddler who misbehaves and runs off only to be lost, taken, or hit by a car!!

I can relate - ALL my kids did that sometime between 13-17 months old! But mine would cry the second they were put in the grocery cart! Luckily, it's a short-lived phase that only lasted a couple weeks. For the most part, I tried to avoid grocery shopping with them at that age until they got past it and went in the evenings or on weekends when hubby was home to be with the kids. When I couldn't avoid it, I would just sit them in the grocery cart, fasten the seat belt and let them cry. I would calmly tell him/her that it's time to shop, they had to sit there because it's the rule (my rule) and then go on my way. They would usually stop crying within 5-10 minutes and I ignored the crying/screaming as much as possible. I'm sure I annoyed other shoppers but during the day most are other moms and could relate. I went to the produce area first and tried to engage them... "do you the bananas? Look, yellow bananas. Do you see the apples? Yes! There they are", etc. If I stopped shopping or paid too much attention to the tantrum then it just escalated and got worse the next trip.

As for other shopping or strollers... my son was DONE with strollers by the time he was 22 months old. He hated them. He wanted to walk everywhere. He walked all day at the zoo, children's museum, state fair, etc. He didn't sit down once during a full day at the San Diego zoo at 23 months old. Why sit when you can walk/run/burn energy? My girls are slightly better... but in that first 1-5 months after learning to walk it's all they wanted to do and they also hated the stroller. I never really pushed the stay-in-the-stroller-thing because getting exercise walking/running is not a Bad Thing.

This is one of those pick your battles things. You can deal with the crying/frustration of a child who is wired to walk/run/move or you can temporairly adjust your schedule to minimize the shopping you do with kids. Like I said, it's a short-lived phase.

Put her in a harness. No, it is not cruel, it is not illegal and it will help you get your shopping done. She can walk with you part of the time and ride the rest. It stops the embarassing screaming and kicking.
Yes, she may not like the restriction of the harness either but it gives you and she both a choice as to riding or walking.

IF you want the tantrums to stop while you are out, you have to be willing to leave wherever you are as soon as she starts one, and go home. But, 15 minutes is a long time for a child to sit still in a cart or stroller. At that age, they want to keep busy and have short atttention spans. So maybe only bring her for quick trips in. As she gets older she will be able to tolerate longer trips. I agree with the post that says shop in the evening or weekends when someone else can watch her while you shop. You need time away from her anyway, and while I realize grocery shopping isn't fun, it will definitely be better without her.
Good luck,
R.

I found carring my son in a front pack (I have the baby b'jorn active) works really well. He is also 15m and is pretty good in the cart, but I think that shopping is so much easier when he is attached to me. Doesn't really help your tantrum situation, but you may be able to shop more easily.
-L

I have two children, 15 months apart, so I had to put an end to the kids getting upset about not wanting to stay in their stroller as soon as the behavior started. So, I went to the local mall, put them in the stroller, and stayed in a hall where there was a hallway leading to bathrooms. As I was walking, if one of them started crying I would ignore them and wheel down the hallway where the bathrooms were. Our mall has a bench at the end of the hallway. I'd sit down and say "when you are done crying, we'll walk again." Then, I'd pull out a book and read, of course I really didn't read anything, but I pretended I was. Once they saw I wasn't going to let them out and wasn't paying attention to their outburst, they'd stop. As soon as they stopped I'd put the book down, smile and say "oh good, you're done crying, let's walk" If they started crying again, I'd sit back down and pull out the book. I did this over and over and eventually, they stopped throwing a fit about wanting out. I went to the mall a few times that first week and repeated the whole process. AFter the first couple of days, all I had to do was say "oh, let's go sit down until you're done" and they'd stop before I even got to the bathroom hallway. The next step was the grocery store. The first time we went after the whole mall experience, if one of them started crying, I found a place in the back where I could stand there while they cry and I'd pull out the grocery ad and look at it until they stopped. It only took one time that first day at the grocery store for them to realize the rule was in place at any store. AFter that, all I'd do is stop the cart and say "let me know when you're done" and they'd stop immediately so I could move again. It was frustrating the first couple of days at the mall, but sooooooo worth it. I was able to take a 1 and 2 year old to the store with me at anytime and know that they were going to behave and not cry or throw fits about wanting a toy or wanting out. You just have to stick with enforcing that crying in stores isn't tolerated. Even today, they're 5 and 6, if we're out at stores and they start getting too loud or one of them gets upset, all I say to them is "there's no crying, yelling, fighting, in stores" and they will stop. Just a couple of weeks ago we were grocery shopping and they were having fun with each other, but getting a little disruptive. I warned them to stop and when they did it again, I made them sit down on the floor of the store where they were out of everyone's way and sit there for 5 minutes in a time out. They were embarrassed, which is exactly what I wanted, and both said they weren't going to do THAT again!

bra-VO to Lisa T.. Basically the way I taught my own 4 kids about tantrums NOT getting them what they want. Now, even my youngest, ( 5 YO ) knows to say " may I" and " Please " instead of " I want" or " get me "... Now, when I go to a store, I have the two teenagers buddy system with the two younger ones and have them look at toys. When the older ones say " no, it's too expensive" or simply " no, not now " they always report No tantrums, no back talk, ,, nothing except " OK ". when we meet up at our " meeting place " at the end of our shopping excursion.

But from my oldest to youngest, they all thought that tantrums were the way to go until those first couple weeks worth of taking them straight home, no stopping for Mc.D's, no candy, simply NO PRIVELIDGES.. I've even gotten compliments of how well they all handled themselves after being observed by fellow shoppers.

A strict parent doesn't mean a " mean parent" It means a parent that adheres to the rules no matter what.

You're doing great.. and keep a stiff upper lip,, but a loving one.

my daughter does the same thing. what i do with her is have her "help" me push the cart. she pushes at the bottom of the cart, that way she is holing on and feels important. now that she is getting taller it's a little more difficult for her to bend down to the bottom part. but i am trying to get her to push on the side.

I am eager to read the responses you get. I have a (nearly) three year old who freaks out and throws terrile tantrums whenever we go to a store or restaurant. We are avoiding restaurants, but I do still take her shopping for necesssities because I think she has to learn that it has to be done and she can't have her way. I hate the stares at the grocery store, but I try to go when it will be mostly moms there. I would take her to the car, but that's what she's asking for- "Get in the car," "Want to go bye-bye," "Let's go home"- I just don't want her to think her tantrum gave her what she wanted, so I persist. So far her tantrums last from the time she gets in the cart until we are in the parking lot headed to the car. We've tried letting her walk- probably not an option for you at your daughter's age- and that doesn't help, either. I would say hold your ground and don't let anyone tell you this isn't normal!

Dear Nidhi,
Plan a day where you are going shopping but you're real intent is to "take care of the tantrum". When she has a tantrum, go back to the car and explain to her that you are going home to take care of the tantrum. Make sure the store is close to your home. When you get home, explain to her mommy is giving you a spanking because we don't act that way. For more info about this and many other toddler questions go to gfi.org.

I am going through the same thing with my 22 month old. She thinks that she can get down and run through the store. When I strap her in, she gets mad and screams and crys. I know it may sound bad, but I bribe her with snacks. I get fruit snacks, suckers, crackers. Anything that will keep her busy. It seems to work well, and it usually buys me some time to shop. As for the moms that say to stop and go home, that is what the child wants. They want to go home, so by going home you are teaching them that the tantrum gets them out of the store.