Tantrums - Redlands,CA

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You must not EVER give in, because then she learns that by acting this way, she gets what she wants. The fact that it upsets you to the point where you cry is telling. Just suppose she was 10 and screaming at you to do what she wants, would you be crying then? You have to be firm, but not upset. Kids learn very early to manipulate you, if you allow yourself to be bent. Tell her no in a calm voice. Make another place for punishment (like a chair in the corner of her room) and put her there (calmly) and go about your business. There must be consequences for bad behavior.

Hi J.,
My youngest is 19 mos. old and has been doing the same thing for months now. SHE gets so bad, she throws herself on the floor and screams and cries and tells me no, no, no.... It is difficult I think because she doesn't have the words to tell me that she is frustrated. I let her have her fit for a while and ignore her. Then I pick her up and hold her and talk calmly to her. She usually settles down then and relaxes. I know it is frustrating, and really nothing makes it better. I too feel like crying. My oldest started speaking at 8 mos. and was in full sentences by 14 mos. so she never really did this. For now, I think it is something I am just going to have to deal with though, until my little one can start talking. I know it isn't a lot of advice, but maybe knowing you aren't alone helps you. Good luck, and this too shall pass.

hi J., I don't know what you would concider overly neget ive,you sound like someone who wants to hear what you want to hear, and maybe not what you need to hear, All kids don't throw tatrums, my 3 didn't and i have had several kids come through my dayacre over the past 11 years who didn't throw tatrums. But putting her in her crib when` she trows tattrums, i think is good, you say you don't like to hit her, that's a good thing, remember this J. hitting a child is a act of anger and the lack of self control, giving a good 2 swats on the butt calmly is called discipline. I have shared this many times, when my kids were small, if they acted up, my husband would of course give them a warning, but after that 2 good swats on the butt, that was it, he talked to them afterwards and hugged them let them know he loved, and what they di wrong was never mentioned againad it was a rare thing if he had to discipline them for the same thing more than once, cause he made the 2 swats count. And I'm sure you know that there is no need for your 16 month old daughter to even touch your cell phone, I have see many moms in public give in, and give their toddls, keys, cell phones, sun glasses just to shut them up and are out of touch in what they are teaching thir kids. I feel you are doing the right thing, just be consistant, and don't ever give in to her and give her something just to keep her quiet. I have been a mom for 24 years, I have raised 3 great kids, along with my husband of 27 years, not saying this to say I know everything, but I know enough to give good advice. J.

I really feel for you... but don't worry, ALL Moms go through this. It's not just you or your child. I have days when I just want to cry too.

Your child is normal...but she is going through "growing pains" and is developing and changing.

I would suggest getting a book... "What To Expect The First Year" is a good one for example.

The main thing... is, don't pressure yourself too much... don't feel as though you HAVE to have all the answers or feel great all the time in the midst of a bad day with your child. Sure some Moms seem so calm or put-together... but Mommy-hood takes all of our beings.

When a child is going through cognitive/physical and developmental changes... it's not easy for them either. At this age they can't "talk" or tell us what they want- hence their "tantrums" or screaming. YES, it can be frustrating... BUT don't feel you have to problem solve EVERY little scream they make. Sometimes... just gently telling them "no" and then distracting them is perfectly fine. Or saying "no my sweetie pie" and then walking away even just a short distance, then sit down and open a magazine or something... while out of the corner of your eye just gage her and see if she gets distracted with something else. YES, the baby/child will continue to scream...BUT if you wait a bit, and just talk in a soothing manner repeating yourself... they WILL de-flate and calm down.

Use your voice... in a calm, even toned manner..keep it consistent... if a child hears/sees that you are upset in your "voice" it can often just irritate the child more.

But please remember... your child is only 16 months old... they do not "know" the ways of the world. They don't even know social "rules" yet.. .they are too young. They many times they don't even "understand" spanking yet. ALSO... keep in mind that even though you want your child to be disciplined and "behaved".... remember that if you want this to happen, it takes TOTAL control ability on the child's part.... and they have to be capable of it and what you are asking them to do.... and children WILL make "mistakes. This is how they learn even if it means they make the same mistake over an over... they just don't have full impulse control yet. Even their "emotions" are developing...a child does not come equipped with all their emotions yet... nor do they understand them or how to handle them.

Developmentally speaking... a child does NOT have "full" impulse control or emotional control yet... full impulse control does not occur until about 3 years old. So until then, they will scream/tantrum/make mistakes/repeat mistakes/and keep doing something even though "mentally" you know they are not supposed to, by adult standards.

Tantrums... are 3 parts. It is primarily developmental... and second, it is what is "taught" to them, and third- their personality. BUT all kids will tantrum no matter if they are raised in solitary confinement or not. Tantrums are a child's way of figuring out the world...and it is going to happen, they can't help it. BUT... you can teach them how to manage better.

Your child screaming for the cell phone, is a common thing all kids do. So sometimes I just "lock" my key pad on my phone and let my son play with it... sometimes I don't want him to touch it... so I say no, and put it away out of eye-sight... and he will scream for it, but oh well. I just tell him no, then go and do something else with him. Then, the screaming subsides. It's redirecting them. It's fine, kids scream, it can be irritating, but I know it will stop.

For my kids, you need to pick your battles. Sometimes tantrums do warrant an intervention, and sometimes it doesn't. My youngest, my boy, will tantrum... and as long as I know he's safe and not in a crises I will just verbally tell him "oh I see you are frustrated.....no, you cannot play with the faucet..." and then I turn away. Yes, he will scream, but after a couple minutes of my not responding to him in an "upset" manner... he DOES calm down all by himself and will then do something else. He has come to "know" that not every one of his tantrums will make me do what he wants. It's just a learning process for them... it takes time, and years, for them to learn.... continually.

When you see kids tantrum... it is not necessarily only "bad" kids that do this... all kids will tantrum, across the board. The MAIN thing is that they know they can find trust and comfort & understanding in their Parents. I've seen kids, personally, who lack this vital part with their Parents.. .and these kids have a real difficult time getting positive behaviors in check.

One thing you can do, is to teach her sign language for things she may not be able to "speak" yet... and other ways to "ask" for what she wants in a way that is acceptable. Saying "please" and "thank you" and "more Mommy" etc.

With my girl, who is now older at 5 years old, we don't "scold" her or punish her for having "bad hair" days or being fussy... but we teach her about feelings & the names of feelings and how to express it... we tell her "you can go in your room and scream... then when you feel better you can come out. It's okay to feel grumpy sometimes but NOT to take it out on others..." The key is that it is age appropriate. Then we talk about it. We tell her "even grown-ups have grumpy feelings and moments... but we try to be okay about it... " Between my Hubby & I, when we are grumpy at each other... we try to do it in a manner that shows my girl "how" it can be handled better... and we talk about it.

Well sorry for rambling....just trying to type as fast I can before the kids wake from their nap.
Good luck and all the best,
~Susan
**p.s.: take a break from baby every so often.. .have Hubby watch your girl, and just take a moment for yourself. ALL Moms need this.. .it is very important so you don't burn out or get too tired. :)

At this age she doesn't have the words to communicate her anger and tantrums are normal, unfortunately. Don't get upset, you aren't doing anything wrong! Of course you can't give in to everything. A stern No or Stop It won't always do the trick.

When my munchkins would throw a fit, I'd clear stuff out of the way so they were safe and let them have it out. I'd continue on with my things around the house and call out something like "it's ok to mad but tell me when you're done." You have to balance acknowleding her feelings but ingroing the behavior. Sometime a "shh-you're hurting my ears" can help. Leaving her in her crib might just make her more PO'd that you took off and extend the tantrum.

Boost up her verbal skills too so she can communicate with you sooner. Verbalize everything you do. "I'm going to get the laundry now, look at the blue sky, let's play with this toy," etc. Tell her what things are, how they work. Just talk constatnly. The more you talk she will pick up on her verbal cues sooner.

She'll get through this eventually. Just be patient and hold firm!

I am reading a book right now called The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp, M.D. I've only been reading a few days but so far it seems accurate. He compares toddlers to cavemen and recommends communicating like a cave man. Start by mirroring the behavior/tantrum using short emphatic words like "Mad, Mad, Mad" This will show her that you understand her problem. Once she sees that you understand the tantrum stops (so far, its working for me) and then you can redirect. I'm only on page 40, but so far its pretty interesting.
Best Wishes
~N.

J.,

The following is a great article on tantrums. Bookmark it once you are there, lot's of useful info at this site!
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t063300.asp

M.

Don't feel so bad J., you are definitely not the only one going through this. I know how hard it can be first hand...... this site was my saving grace recommended by another mom on mamasource http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t063300.asp

You can type in any topic here for a wide range of advice and the best thing is that it's all free!

wishing for the best,
H.