It's rather late to start with some of the things you're mentioning. I've known kids turning 8 to wear expanders before their jaws finish growing to adult size.
Once they stop growing the only way to widen it is to break it and wire it shut in the position that is desirable.
So do the expander as soon as possible. If reconstructive surgery will effect her jawline/roof of her mouth talk to that surgeon about doing the wiring shut or helping those bones go the right way.
I think that kids do get a lot of dental work and sometimes it is more....of a facade. But I also know kids that needed it just to be able to chew their food better and their parents thought it was silly and just cosmetic.
I suggest you talk to the kids and find out what they'd like to do. They may be totally ashamed of how their teeth look and are excited beyond compare to getting them.
The one thing that's a life saver besides Tylenol on tightening day is dental wax. It comes in a small flat container, it is clear on top and white on the bottom. There are about 5-6 rows of tube like wax. You break off a piece and put it where the braces are rubbing. It sticks until you get food on it or you brush your teeth. Then you put another pinch on it.
We got ours at Walmart by the dental floss.
http://www.walmart.com/ip/DenTek-Wax-For-Braces-2pk/15754255
We actually got another brand there too.
http://www.gumbrand.com/accessories/gum-orthodontic-wax.html