Taking My Children to a Funeral

One of my earliest memories is of going to my great uncle's funeral when I was 4. I distinctly remember some people's emotions (just as I did the milkshake that my parents allowed me to have on the way home). As a kid, I learned a lot about people's feelings, something I was actually grateful to be exposed to in retrospect. When I needed to go to a funeral last year, I took my one year old with me. While she clearly won't remember any of it, several family members commented on how appreciative they were to have a young child around.

I am very sorry for your loss.

My young cousin died suddenly this summer and my son (infant) attended with us for the weekend, as did our entire extended family. My youngest cousin is three and I know that her mother spent a few minutes each day before the funeral services talking with her about exactly what was going to happen. She explained to her that people were going to be very sad, quiet and maybe even angry. She read the book "Always and Forever" to her to help her understand why people would be so sad. This is a fantastic book. We also involved her in the mass- it was her job to bring the photo of my cousin to the priest on the alter. She understood that this was "very important" and took it seriously.

Prepare your daugther for exactly what will happen, how people may react and what she may see. This will slow down the (loud) questions in the middle of the service and will help her understand that this is a sad time for your family. You may want to sit at the end of an aisle in case you need to take a walk to the back at any point. I would also suggest not attending the actual burial, if possible. People tend to be very emotional and your child will not understand.

Hi J., First, I am sorry for your loss. You are right to want to include your younger daughter. Many people make the mistake of trying to shield their children from the sadness. They will be fearful of what they do not know. You should prepare her for what she will see and hear. You can sit in a place at the service where you can get up if you must. Answer her questions in a whisper voice. I hope it goes well for you and your family. Grandma Mary

Hi J.,
My personal feeling is that young children are distracting at funerals. For the people who are very close the the person who has passed the last thing they want is a bunch of children around. It can also be very scary to a child.
See if you can find someone else to watch your younger child.
Sorry for your loss.
J.

I am sorry for your loss. I would definitely bring your daughter. Mine were 2 and 4 when my grandmother died. They were quiet mot of the time, and I had brought quiet toys and books for the service, but even when they needed to move about a bit, no one minded. My aunt told me later that watching them was what got her through the service; they gave her something to smile about at a very sad time. Perhaps your fiance can come along and be the one to take her outside if she needs a walk.

Wanted to add my 2cents for anyone looking later. I agree it depends on how close the child is to the deceased. My mother-in-law passed away suddenly last year. We took my then 4yr old along to the hospital as well as to her hospice room and we were all there when she passed on. He knew everyone was sad and was told why. He and his older cousin were with us at the funeral home when the arrangements were being made and helped pick out the casket. My mother was able to come down and help during the actual funeral and he went up and looked once during the viewing. At the graveside we had him place a flower on the casket and say goodbye. We didn't force him to do anything and answered any questions he asked, and still do. Children understand a lot more than they are given credit for.

I would not take a 4 year old to a funeral. She is still very young and may ask alot of questions. It also may be a little traumatic for her, since she is only a toddler.

I suggest taking her. Talk to all of your children about what is expected at this kind of event and what will be happening. Explain how long each part of the service will be and what will be happening where and the purpose of each part of the service. If you are attending the memorial and burial in separate locations, explain that as well. Ask them (especially the older ones) if they want to attend the full service or which parts they want to be involved with.

If the service you are attending will be longer than an hour or two, give all of your children an "out." What I mean is to explain that if at anytime the funeral is too emotional (or long) for them that they may quietly excuse themselves for as much time as they need and occupy themselves in an appropriate manner (ie quiet and non-disruptive: reading, coloring, walking, looking at pictures, etc.).

For the little one, you should pre-arrange a helper for the funeral so that you do not need to leave the service at a time when you do not want to--one of your older girls or your partner may be willing to play babysitter or another family member may be willing to watch her when she's fussy (or you may prefer to arrange a paid babysitter who is specifically there to help supervise your children). Bring along some quiet toys and books that she can play with in a nearby location if she gets restless.

Sorry for your loss. I recently was in the same situation. I loss my Uncle in November and family is everything to me as well. The funeral was in NH and my husband and I decided to take my children, 5 year old and 2 1/2 year old. I packed coloring books and crayons and stuff that can be done in a quiet setting. I also purchased a couple of new things as a special surprise. I also packed juice boxes and snacks. At the calling hours there was a lot of family to help out and it also helped my Aunt and cousins to be able to focus on something other than the loss of their husband/father. Kids are a wonderful thing and provide a soothing comfort to those in distress. During the funeral my husband and I sat in the back of the church in case we needed to leave with one of the children if they were too loud. I was also fortunate that my brother and his girlfriend also sat with us and she would color or read a book to them. Before going you will want to explain to your children what they will expect and what death is. I googled to find how to explain death to small children. Your children will surprise you and they will also be a big help to you.

A.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my aunt in February and I took my son with me to the funeral (he was 3 in Nov). He is usually very well behaved and I really did not think it would be a problem to take him there. However, he did start being very disruptive once the service started. Luckily my husband was there and he took my son outside. It was great of him to do that but at that point I was left in there alone which was hard on me.

When I was 5 my great grandmother died and my parents left me home (not a lone of course). But the point is, they didn't take me and it never sat well with me. I felt left out and I didn't understand why I was allowed to visit her at the nursing home, but i wasn't allowed at the funeral. Just thought you might want persepctive from a kid. I was the kind of kid that would be good if I was told, and I was insulted that they didn't take me.

After writting this, I read your response. I'm sending
this anyway.

I admire you for reaching out to get a number of views on this
delicate matter. I'm sure you will weigh what you know and
learn and make the right decision for your family.

I took my 23 month old to the viewing of my father-in-law.
It happened mostly out of convenience. It would be hard
to explain that so I won't. His 7-year old brothers were
also with us (that was planned). The viewing was not
hurried so we were able to pace the procedure so that we
could react to anyone's need for consolling.
My family of 5 all approached the casket together. My 'almost 2-year old put his pointer finger up to his lips and said "Sssshhhh, Papa Fe is asleep". We were all
comforted with his gesture. It was his way of being very
respectful of his grandfather. I've looked back at it and
am very pleased by the experience, whether planned by me or
not. We did not take him to the funeral.
Good luck and would be nice to hear your experience.

when i had to take my girls to the funeral home when they were little i took along some coloring books..crayons...and other smaller toys to keep them busy..usually found a spot off to the side where they would be able to play yet i could see them and visit with the family...i even took construction paper for the kids to make their own cards for the deceased or the family memebers....rosie

My kids have always gone with me. I told them its a quite time and then I made sure I brought along coloring book, crayons and small legos. sat them in the back of the room where they wouldn't bother anyone.. and it worked. you can promise ice cream later on or something.. if she is good.

Dear J.,

I am sorry to hear about your loss. You youngest will not understand what is going on but the decision is up to you. You can take her to the viewing so she can "say goodbye". But you may want to make arrangments for her to go back home so she does not have to stay there for long periods of time. I have been in the same situation, only with my sister's daughter - I believe she was 3 at the time.

As you said she will not stay quiet nor still - and you shouldn't try to make her. If the funeral parlor has another room maybe bring "stuff" for her to play with - or a movie or something to do while you are with the other morners.

Hope I've helped - Bless you and your family.

D. H.

Sit at the end of the row so if she does get antsy you can quietly walk to the back. Also pack a small bag of quiet stuff to do such as crayons and a coloring book, a picture book and even a snack like cherrios or a dry cereal and a spill proof cup of her favorite drink. This should hold her for a while and also before you go in set the ground rules that once the seervice starts she must sit quietly with you and her siblings. Let her wander before the service as much as possible and don't worry about what people may say if she acts 4! Funerals are to remember the one who passed but a child will also serve to remind people that life continues. It's the circle of life and an amazing circle it is! She just might be the bright energetic life that those that morn need including you. I am sorry about your loss. A.

Hi J.,
I am very sorry for you loss! I would take your daughter if she was close with your aunt, if not, I can't see why she needs to be there. If you do bring her, I'd talk to her beforehand about what behavior is expected, and bring a doodle pad/crayons and books to look at. If possible, maybe bring a friend or babysitter with you, so that if she gets too antsy, this person can take her out while you are not missing any of the service. If you don't feel that she would gain anything by being at the service, I wouldn't bring her. It's not a matter of feeling left out - if she doesn't know what a funeral is and if she would be unhappy there because it would mean sitting quietly for an hour, it isn't unkind to leave her at home.
That said, my son was 5 at my mother's funeral, and he did okay!

I would take her to the memorial, but not the funeral. Churches and funeral homes have areas she can go, if she gets a little squirrely. And at 4, she probably can handle it! Especially with you next to her, helping her to understand what's going on. A funeral is much harder though, because it's outside and so much more vivid and specific. I'd wait on that.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My boys were 3 and 5 1/2 when my Mom passed away. We took them both, but I also had our babysitter with us so that if they became disruptive during the service, they could be taken out. My older son actually sat in the back with my cousins (and their boys), but my younger son sat right up front with us, and was good as gold. (They are used to being in church, which probably helped.)

HTH

You should take her. Children need closure too. Take along some quiet activities for her, and explain what's going on before you leave. Let her know she is expected to be good, and why. If you end up having to take her out of the service, everyone will understand. If your fiance won't be going with you, I'm sure another family member will gladly watch over your other 2 girls if you do need to step outside or to another room with your 4 year old. If your fiance is going with you maybe he can take your daughter out of the service if necessary.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it depends on how close your daughter was to your aunt. If they were close, then by all means bring her. If not, feel free to have her stay with someone else. My mom passed last year and my neice (who was two and FULL of energy) was there and she did need to get up and walk around a few times, but most people realize that little ones cannot sit still. I think she was a little gleam of light during a very hard time. They sat in the front row, and if she needed to leave, she left, it wasn't a big deal.

I do know that my sister brought some coloring books and other toys to try to keep her busy (and snacks!!!).

Good luck. Sorry for your loss.

Your judgement call. Personally, I wouldn't. Funerals are sad and can be scary for some children, not to say incredibly boring. I've never taken my kids to one. She'll have to go to one as she gets older and undrstands more, but at 4, it can be difficult.

I was five when my grandfather passed away. I did not go to his funeral. My older brother did. I did not fell left out. I had a great day with my sitter. It would be most inconsiderate for the funeral to be disrupted should that occur.

My husband lost his sister just a month ago they were very close and it devistated him. We took our children to the funeral our little girls(5yrs & 4yrs )were close to thier Auntie, and we felt they had the right to be there. In the days before the service we kept telling them everything that was going to happen and how important it was for them to behave. They behaved amazing during the entire 5hr service. Although it was a sad day alot of people said that my little girls bright happy faces helped them and gave them a sense of happiness during their time of mourning. I think you should take the 4yr old with you and just prepare her for what is going to take place and try to explain to her that she needs to behave. I am very sorry for your loss and hope that everything goes well for you and your family.

Deepest sympathy. I lost my maternal grandparents a year apart from each other. When my grandfather died in 2007, my little one was only 3 1/2. We brought him with us to the funeral bc we're a tight family. His older cousins helped entertain him in and when he would see anyone standing by my grandfather he would just assume he had to do the same things we did. Last year I lost my grandmother and being
4 1/2 this time he did exactly the same things he did the year before. On both occasions he made sure to say he wanted to say "good bye". Also he kept telling everyone that my grandparents are angels and they see us all over.
At Church we have a children's room, I asked my cousins daughter if she wouldn't mind watching over him. There's always someone willing to help out.

J.,

My sorrows for your loss. It is rough losing anyone in a family, close or not. I hope you have a special time with your family.

Perhaps arranging for her to attend part of the wake - and at that, part of the funeral service. Likely she didn't know your aunt, and she will know you were close to her, but she won't know what to do at a funeral yet.

If you are unable to arrange that, simply have a ton of toys/activities/and FOOD set up ahead of time. The busier she is, the better.

You can explain to her that this will be a quiet time for everyone else - several times in the day or two before the funeral. Maybe once or twice in the AM and same in the PM, just bring it up, and talk a little about it. The more you prepare her, the more she'll be able to 'connect' and may be able to help herself tone down a bit.

Good Luck, and let me know how it goes!
M.

Sorry for your loss. I just went through this as well with my grandmothers funeral. I did bring my son, however he is only 11 months. Everyone said they were very glad he was there and he was such a joy to have around (he is also the 5th generation in our family and everyone was so glad to have him there). There were other children at the funeral as well and my grandfather especially liked seeing the great-grandchild, grandchildren and neices and nephews. They were a bright spot for everyone to see during such a difficult time.

I agree with others have said about having quiet toys and activities as well as sitting at the end of a pew if possible. With all of the children at my grandmothers funeral a few did need to leave for a few minutes at a time and everyone understood.

My suggestion is to take her. I lost my mom when my son was 2. I also lost a close aunt & a close uncle this past Nov & Dec, when my son was 4. My son attended all three funerals.

When he was 2, I had a friend & my MIL tend to him during the funeral & church service, and he was fine. Though, my son picked up the heavy feeling in the funeral home and was a little scared at first. We brought books and small toys for him to play with.

During the last 2 funerals, my son was pretty good. We walked out when he needed a moment (it was boring to him). He was inquisitive about the deceased, and it did give him a better understanding of death.