Taking Advantage

Once my kids hit 18 they have to have direction to stay in the house. Both started out in college but my oldest dropped out after a couple years. Son of a rich man syndrome. :p Fine, go work for the family! He didn't want to for a while and he was given his marching orders. He works there now and maintains his own home.

It isn't easy saying you are going no where and you will not do it in my home but it must be done. Allowing it to continue is clipping their wings, handicapping if you will. Loving a child means doing what is best for them, not what seems easy.

Gotta love those teenagers. Hard as it may be you have to set new boundaries when they “become an adult” I had a rough time right after my oldest left for college because she felt she could come home and run the streets per say with her friends. I laid down the rules and followed through, even cutting off her cell phone at one point but she earned it back and is home for the summer with no issues. It’s amazing what some tough love (and a supportive spouse to back you up) will do to help

G.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

So she graduated from high school at 17 - went to college and then dropped out?

She is not legally an adult yet. However, she wants to be treated like one? Tell her how much her rent is. Tell her when it's due. Tell her what chores she has to do around the house. Your house. Your rules. If she doesn't like it? She can go out into the big bad world on her own. She might have a hard time getting an apartment to rent since she's not a legal adult - but hey!!! This is HER choice. She can follow the rules or she can leave.

Talk with her boyfriend. tell him that she is not legally an adult yet and if he is an adult and is not being responsible - then you will have no choice but to press charges against him - you don't want to - but you will to protect your daughter. Ask him what his intentions are. And what he plans to do with his life. Once you start getting involved and he's just looking for a good time - he might back off. Especially if you start liking him.

She can only take advantage of you IF you allow her to.

Give her a timeline, a deadline, whatever you want to call it, then stick to it.
Give her a lease to sign outlining rent and responsibilities.
Stop paying any and all bills for her - have them transferred into her name.
If she is driving a car in your name - take the keys and cancel the insurance.
Turn off the cell phone

You are going to have to push her kicking and screaming into responsible adulthood now. It will be painful for everyone.

Since she is not 18 yet, you are legally responsible for her until she turns 18. But, set all this in place and make the magic deadline her 18th birthday. If she has not stepped up by then, pack her things and change the locks.

Tough love - shoulda' happened before now.

Good Luck

It's time for her to move in with them and let her play house. When things sour between them, then she will need to find her own place and get a job.

If you don't hold her accountable, she will just languish. If you tell her that she needs to leave the nest, then she has a chance of pulling herself up out of this funk of hers.

Truthfully, if my son quit college, he would not be moving home. If she was living at home and going to school, I understand how you got into this predicament. If she was living at the school and you let her come home, THAT was your mistake.

Tell her that she is a grown up now and needs to go. Tell her that she's welcome to come over once a week for dinner. Move her stuff out. Don't pay for her cell phone or car insurance.

Good luck,
Dawn

It dosent sound like she has a clear message of what she is suppose to be doing. For example the boyfriend staying over. It sounds like if they were together longer it would be acceptable. How long? Is it not aceptable? If not then you should be very clear on when it would be allowed. Like when you get married you and your husband can sleep together. That was the rule in our house and we all knew it. Well enough that we would never even ask. College she passed...whats the problem? Tell her what you expect. Is she aware that she has to make certian grades and attend every class and show that she is studing? Have you told her if she wants a free day to party or relax, entertainment she needs to attend every class for two weeks and earn/save enough to earn the time off to play? Please dont deny her the education or push her so hard she runs off and marries the guy. As an adult now I can understand what she needs to do. But thinking back when I was just out of HS I had no idea what my parents wanted of me. Got married at 19 and divorced at 21. My options were, go to college or move out and make it on my own. I also was expected to pay for half of the college. I didnt think I could so I didnt even try. I also knew what a budget was and with my job I couldnt make ends meet. Help her become a responsible self reliant adult. That is what your job for her is right now. Its not 100% her fault she isnt doing the right things, she should have known better than to skip classes, sluff off or ask if her bf could spend the night at 18 yrs old. Since she didnt all I can think is teach her now while you still have her.

She's 18 - you need to sit her down and explain to her that your legal obligation to take care of her is OVER. Now, she has some choices to make. She can get a job, pay rent, help around the house and stay OR she can pack and move. It's really very simple.

If she decides she's staying and still not going to do anything, evict her. Just like you would any non-paying tenant, give her a 3 day notice to pay or quit and when she does neither, file an unlawful detainer against her. Get a court order and have the sheriff move her out.

These kids need to know that once they turn 18, they are no longer holding ANY cards! They are subject to homelessness, malnutrition, and a whole host of other things they never considered.

You are holding the cards now - don't lay them on the table and walk away - USE THEM!

If she tells you she's going to get a job, etc., give her a deadline. Mine always used to say that and then come to find out after I paid a babysitter for her child so she could look for work, that she never even filled out one application!

What does her father say? I would tell her to stay with her boyfriend full time and if she returns to college, maintains good grades, and gets a job, she will be welcome back home. Sounds like tough love is in order here (IF her father is on board).

She is almost 18. This did not happen over night. Make sure she is on birth control. That will be the next issue.
She will need to set goals and want things herself. But the way to get her to do that is by encouragement and not calling her lazy.
I feel sorry for kids. They are not valued and then they do not know how to value themselves.