Taking a Pole Concerning Argument with My Husband

This may sound insensitive to you but when I read this I LAUGHED!! MEN! Can't live with em, can't shoot em! It WAS rude and insensitive on his part. I think you yelling at him was a little over the top but I think I would have lost it too. =) He probably just looked at the cake (like a 3 year old) and thought yummmmm homemade wifey CAKE!!! Be complimented that he wanted some. BUT he needed to apologize for ruining the cake, and the celebration. Suggest that he buy another on his way home with and "Im sorry" balloon or something for your daughter (this is NOT about you!). This should be a lesson for your teen as well. Men don't THINK like us! I am sure his intention was NOT to hurt you or your daughter and your daughter has to understand this. It should ALWAYS be about intent. If he acted defensively it is because he is being attacked, it is natural, whether he deserved it or not. I am sure this is going to be a great family story...The day dad ate my cake! Try and lighten it up.
=)

Wow, that was pretty rude on his part! I too would have been upset about him doing that. It was a very selfish act. And I can understand how your daughter would be very upset too. I probably would have yelled quite a bit as well. But now a little time has passed, and you are a family and need to work together. It's time to put down the gloves and discuss it. You need to calmly explain to him that while you understand he was hungry, that cake was special to your daughter and you put a lot of time and effort in it to make is special for her. Don't stress all the groceries on the counter, just focus on the hurt feelings. I'm sure he'll apologize for it. Then you need to put it behind you. Then try to get a sense of humor about it. It actually is kind of a cute funny story to tell if you step back and laugh about it!

I'm going to be honest here. This sounds comical. It actually reads like script from Everybody Loves Raymond.

Does him eating the cake really surprise you? Sounds like (as you've admitted) that he's always been combative, from before you were even married to him. So I'm not sure why you were all "shocked" by his thoughtless behavior.

That said, I would have been mad too. Most people would have. But this is hardly worth keeping a grudge. Maybe your daughter should have words with him since she was directly affected by his actions. It was her day after all, even though you worked hard to make it nice.

If you have "hundreds" of arguments like this one, I really think counseling is in order. These silly arguements are just hiding much deeper issues. Doubt that your husband will go for it, but maybe you should seek it out for your personal benefit.

Good luck!

Let me start out by saying that I would have been just as upset, if not more, than you. I tend to have a short fuse when it comes to insensitiveness.

I agree with a lot of the other comments posted. If this is common with behavior he has exibited in the past, it should not have shocked you, but if you don't want to deal with it anymore, therapy would be a good suggestion. If that isn't something either of you are willing to do, maybe just sit down, the two of you alone, and talk it out. Don't only talk about this intance, talk about things he does that bothers you that you wish he would work on (and I'm sure he'll bring some up too, so don't be suprised or offended). Be open to each other and don't raise voices, yelling always escalates an argument and makes everyone even more upset than they were to begin with. (I know it's easy to let your emotions take over, but believe me, if you use the self-control, you'll be happier with the outcome). Once you two are done talking, have your daughter sit down and talk to her father and explain to him how and why that hurt her (I'm sure she's harboring some ill feeling towards him right now as well).

You need to realize that men do have a completely different mind frame than women. Yes there was a lot of food that you just bought, and yes there were appetizers out, but that cake just looked so good (a compliment to you) that he couldn't wait (and it was probably easier to eat than the food that you just bought that had to be put away or made). Men don't always think about the circumstances surrounding everything (like, why was that cake sitting there in the first place? would my daughter be upset if I ate some before her?) One track minds! They see food, they eat it; they see tv, they watch it.

I'm sorry this happened to you and your daughter. I know if it were me (in either of your shoes) I would have been torn apart inside. Maybe you can spend a girls day out, just the two of you to laugh and talk and feel a little better.

One thing I do with my fiance who is super stubborn is...wait until tempers are down..this may take a few days. Present what happened to him (in a what if scenerio)....But switch the story around to where he was the victim.....For example, give him a scenerio where him and his friends were planning to do something and u come out of nowhere and ruin it. (hopefully, you get my drift, as this is hard to write.) Get him to talking about how upset he would be .....remain calm and concerned....and once he finishes venting explain to him that is how you felt when he did the same thing to you. Most of the time it leaves people speechless because they have already proved your point. You have to master the art of flipping the scenerio and transfering negitive energy!

OH my gosh, my husband does this kind of stuff too! He would do exactly the same thing I think. I have been married for just 4 years. (have 2 kids). I think you are completely justified in what you said. I like to try to do special things for my kids too and my husband continues to not get it--understand about the time and effort. He wouldn't care either way so I suppose he thinks his kids dont need anything special either! He genuinely cares for our kids, but is so inconsiderate on so many levels. I don't know where this comes from or how to deal with it. Just reading your entry makes me feel anxious and angry--as I often do. I have a baby and 3 year old and work fulltime... so often our arguments stem from my husband not helping me. He lets me tire myself out... and will actually listen to me try to deal with both kids at bedtime (and in the middle of the night) and not get up to help me (because he has a very physical job! We are talking about at 7pm at night) Please!!! At least he gets a full night of sleep! (he also goes to work before me and the kids get up--so I have to get them fed/clothed, me too for my professional job and out the door. I do the pickup too) I just try to tell myself that I am not crazy... I am not blowing things out of proportion. You shouldn't either... I hope your kids know they deserve better, more considerate treatment in their marriages. I hope mine do too. Its so hard to make light of these arguements for the kids sake. But I don't want my kids to feel like they had a hand in the arguement or feel in the middle (mine our still young obviously). I am sure your daughter was hurt that her dad didn't think to save this special treat for her... a cake made just for her in celebration of her birth! I am still figuring out how to deal with this stuff at my house. I try to think of the kids first in my response to my husband... this is a new tactic on my part. I hope I can hold it together. I keep thinking it won't be so much of an issue as they get older, but maybe it will be, based on your entry! Good luck!

Your husband was selfish and thoughtless, but it sounds like his personality. Why should he change or care what you think about his behavior if you've tolerated it for so long?

My father is very much the same way and seems to purposely go out of his way to "forget" special days and important moments. This is less about the "cake" or your daughter's birthday, but about the significance your husband places on these special events. Arguing about it clearly doesn't help (you wrote that you've had hundreds of these types of disagreements).

Maybe you can find some support and solutions on this site. I've learned quite a bit about my father by reading it. All the best to you and Happy Birthday to your daughter.

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/hom...

I like the response from Carolyn but also let me add Men DO NOT think like women (not that it makes it ok at all) but I am sure he has no idea
why the two of you got up set. I am now in the process of teaching my two boys that it does not matter what your actions are or what the thought pattern was behind what you did (they always try to turn everything around to make it someone elses fault I believe it is inbread in them), the main point is how you make people feel with your actions. Men are taught to be tough and not worry about feeling. SOOO on that note you responded naturally I at one point would have done the same thing I have now learned to address things differently to get the response I want. Yelling puts up walls. I really think your daughter should be encouraged to write a note to her dad explaining her feeling she must remain respectful and honor him as her father but share her feelings. Then give him the note before he goes to work he can then read it by himself and have all day to think it over. Have her use word pictures or facts and figures and not to many mushy feelings. Let her know that you are on her side and as a women you understand how it hurt her feeling and you are always there for her, help her learn from this but also let her know not all men are like this. I was also thinking you and your husband could talk about it and ask him what kind of man does he want his daughter to date or marry ? Explain yes you know it was only a cake but to a girl it was more and she will remember it as a bad memory and you all need to change that bad memory into a good one for her.
Like from now on make all your cakes with a piece missing. He will get the point.
Just a note on the facts and figures thing, I was taught that mens minds process facts and figures not feelings and I have used this for many years it really works.
Be the bigger person,
Put aside the anger, Pray for him, Forgive him and move on. Don't let another day go by with the hurt feelings controlling your life.
Have a great day today
Do something nice for yourself
Life is too short to let these things control us.

I have a boyfriend who is a creep just like yours. He also has ADHD & always has to be the center of attention. So he would have done the same I beleive, for purely attention purposes. I have my own issues to deal with on this subject. You putting your garbage out there,lets me see that Im not alone. Thank You. Women need eachother!! I commend you for seeking advise even if we aren't qualified therapist's. We are WOMEN!!! We have been through it all & then some. Counseling sounds like a good start. Please never let anyone make you feel bad for seeking advise amongst your fellow women. God Bless You, I'll pray for you to have peace. God knows we could all use some.

I am so sorry to you and your daughter, and it does sounds deeper than a piece of cake. My husband would have done the same thing. It does not make it right, and I am with you on this. I would have reacted the exact same way, whoever thinks the correct response is to calmly talk has never had this happen to them!
I know of a wonderful marriage counselor that we have been to and I highly recomend. Pricy, but well worth it. Sometimes you have to go through a few before you find the right one. I would bet a biilion dollars once you meet her, you will be happy. My sister drives an hour every other month to meet with her.
Michelle-Wiener Daivs in Woodstock, we saw Joanne. She is amazing. My husband was so reluctant, but raved about her. Best of luck to you ;-)

My answers to your questions:

1. Whether or not it was reasonable isn't really a question, I think your reaction was a gut reaction for the action. And, seeing the hurt/shock in your daughter only fueled it, I'm sure. I can picture myself saying the same exact thing.

2. Selfish and inconsiderate.

3. At 15, I probably would have said, "What the hell are you doing to my birthday cake?" But, at 15 I was a bit fiesty (and vocal about it), mind you. I would have been more angry than hurt, I think. I'm trying to think how my now 14.5 y/o sister would react and she'd be upset, no doubt.

4. If you aren't speaking, that's hard for the whole house, but I understand your frustration. Unfortunately I don't know if anything can be said to make your husband see that what he did was wrong. Something happened in our house the other night that kinda p'd me and I was annoyed with Rich. I didn't say anything as I didn't really want to get into it (and it was very minor). But, I did get real quiet and went to bed early. The next day it was dropped totally, but when we got to bed, he wanted to be "friendly". I was like, "Well, that would be fine, but my friendly factor was damaged last night when you were a jerk."

I don't think you can take this head-on with him as it seems he will stand his ground to death. I've learned to kinda back-door situations and bring them up when I'm not so angry about them, but still get my point across. For me, it seems to work better that way.

Good luck.

You go girl. I would have been not as nice. I can not belive that he did that. Your poor daughter 15 years old is hard enough but for your own dad to ruin your cake. This is unexcusable. Like you stated he had already started on the appetizers.

He surely was thinking of himself and no one else as cutting in the cake. With it being there for days and no one else had yet cut into it. I am very sorry that your daughters cake was cut into. Her father should have known better, your daughter is not a 1 year old who would not have known the difference.

I have 3 girls of my own one is to be 18 tomorrow, her dad would have and will never cut into her cake ever. The birthday child in our house cuts her own cake. If it being on her birthday or even 2 days later.

Shame on him .

J.

www.noahsarkworkshop.com/jodigilbert18

N.:

this man sounds like a total narcissist. I know, I grew up with one. For your sake, and your daughter's, I suggest you get into some counseling for yourself, for her, and for your marriage, if he will go. If not, I think you might have to consider whether you and your children want to be in this relationship--especially at your daughter's vulnerable age, this kind of behavior could affect all her realtionships with men in the future.

I don;t want to be an alarmist, but really, there isn't anything you can say to persuade a person like this that what he is doing is unreasonable or that your frustration is justified, because in his mind, the whole world revolves around him and his immediate needs. Most people grow out of this stage at about 5, but some don;t. I am not just being sarcastic, it is true. Most normal people learn at about 5 how to empathize with others and how to satisy their own needs in the context of mutual relationships. Others never learn this, for whatever reason, and their narcissism makes it impossible for them to form reciprocal relationships.

It took me years of counseling to understand this. My advice to you is to start now.

Best of luck to you
T.

I think I would have responded the same way. But as you know men think they are always right and they are so hard to deal with. Always remember that the next one is not any better than the one you have. I also think that it may be more than just the cake. It sounds like a little more and the cake just was the last straw. I feel the same way you do, but you have three beautiful kids, don't let this upset your homoe. I think you should be the bigger person and break the ice and talk to him alittle bit. Maybe make jokes to break the ice. Trust me I agree with you 200% but it is not worth your family.

I think the people that said make his birthday cake with a piece missing were right. But I would not wait until his birthday. It will lose some of the effect if you wait. I would make his dinner for the next few days but mak sure someone, like your daughter takes a piece of something from his plate each day. This may be the only way he understands how she felt. Maybe take his favorite section of the paper out before he can read it and use it for something where it is unreadable.

Having said this I think you should also sit down and talk with him as well as pursue counseling, whether on your own or as a couple.
Good Luck!

Dear N.,

I am also married to someone like this and I am now in counseling to figure out why I have tolerated it for 6 years. I also told him that if he did not go to counseling also to make some changes, I would divorce him (we are both now in separate counseling). We don't know yet if we will get to couples counseling. He does not think he has a problem. Good luck and take a look at yourself. He has a problem that probably won't be recognized by him, so he won't change. Why are you putting up with it!?

Words to describe your husband, insensitive, self centered, thoughtless, inconsiderate, uncaring, selfish, narcissistic, egomaniacal.

I might have responded with worse. Was he oblivious of the celebration to happen later that night? I would keep up with the freeze zone, how else is he going to get any clue of the severity of his actions and the pain that he caused for both you and your daughter.

I am sure your daughter is crushed. He definitely has some making up to do with her. To say he is just being a man is no excuse. He is a father and needs to step up in his relationship with his daughter.

If and when he comes around to apologizing. Be calm (shows you are more mature in the situation and that you are serious about your feelings as being valid) accept his apology, and let him know that you were both very hurt by his actions and leave it at that. Do not attack back as it will only fuel his attack back on you to turn it around and make you feel like it is your fault. I had an ex who was like that and it seemed like I never won. I sought therapy back then and her advice was as I just gave you. Try very hard never to stoop to their level and give insults back. Be strong, state fact and feelings, and say no more. Good luck hun! You are not wrong!

Dear N.,

Of course you should be upset. Your husband's behavior was aweful to your daughter. However, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, as the saying goes. How about this approach: since your daughter was the one really affected by his actions, it seems like she should be the one to explain to her father that his behavior hurt her feelings... and why... Any reasonable father at that point would apologize to his daughter (of his own accord---not from you nagging) and find a way to make it up to her. Let your husband take responsibility for his own actions. And teach your daughter a valuable lesson at the same time. She'll have to speak up for herself sooner or later. And telling your father that he's done something to upset her will be a nice beginning and perhaps at the same time get your husband to think about how his actions will affect the rest of his family before doing them. hope this helps. I tend to be a creative problem solver...

C.

Would he happen to be a Leo??

Hi there!

I do not blame you for being upset. I too have a very short fuse. Everyone has given you advise and information. The only thing I am going to do is give you a name of a book that I have been reading. I am in the middle of it reading it with my husband because we (all women and men) go through the same discussions and mishaps and will continue as long as we live. I would like to share this book because I feel it has help me have a better understanding of my husband and my husband of me. I have seen a HUGE difference in him as well as myself since we have been reading this!

It's call Love and Respect The Love She Most Desires / The Respect He Desperately Needs- by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

I came across this book by chance and really believe god wanted me to read it. I am not a huge religious kind of person. I like reading and have read several self help books or other books that are supposed to help people with their understanding in marriage. I feel this guy and his wife have done tons of research and really hit the nail on the head. I hope this book can help other people have a better understanding how each other thinks and repair the broken hearts that are out there. I hope everyone can read this and deepen the marriage relationship. I would be very curious on who reads this and how it's help!!! If anyone would be interested in chatting about this let me know.

Good luck to you I know you can work this out.

Questions that come to mind that may help you in thinking about what approach to take going forward:
1) What type of response/communication between you and your husband do you want to model in front of your children? How would you want your daughter to handle the situation when she is a wife some day?
2) Does your daughter feel that it is a safe environment for her to speak out about her feelings? If your husband is verbally combative a lot of the time, perhaps not? Do you feel that you can share/open up about your feelings without knowing ahead of time that you will be put down verbally?

I recommend counseling to get at the root of the communication issue so that all of you can effectively share your feelings in an environment of respect toward one another. This is not about cake and appetizers...this is about families communicating effectively and growing together in love and life. Everyone has good and bad days...but if most days are combative then either he needs to recognize the problem...or at a minimum you and your daughter can learn what you have control over...and what you don't have control over so that you can be much happier.

Hope that helps - just my two cents.

Hi N.,

It sounds to me like the problem goes much deeper than taking a piece of cake. I agree with the ladies who recommend marriage counseling. From your tone, it seems like you have a lot of anger toward you husband and him taking the piece of cake was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Good luck to you!

L.

I have been married 11 years and I understand how annoying husbands can be. One thing I have learned is it is best to work out differences between the two of us, not by getting opinions of others. When you do that, it becomes a you-against-him thing. You would really benefit from couples counseling - if he won't go with you, go by yourself. This has been going on way too long and is not good for the kids. It sounds like you two fight/argue way too much. You deserve more peace in your life.

That was so rude and I wold have responded with alot worse so would my kids, they would be devestated if spomeone ruined their birthday cake! Sounds like you guys need some counseling if you want to last another 21 yrs.

N., the women who responded that your husband was comical did not grow up with a mentally and emotionally abusive father. You mentioned that he does things like this on a regular basis. Please get counseling somewhere. Either at church, children's school, United Way, somewhere! I wish my parents had divorced. My father did things like this all the time and it took a toll on my brother's and my self esteem. Abuse doesn't have to be physical to have a negative impact on your children. Best of luck to you and your children!

WOW!
I would have been very angry! Does he think of noone but himself? If he was that hungry he should have come over and helped you finish dinner not cut into his child's birthday cake. The most disturbing part is that it seems that behavior like this is the norm for 24 years. I could never imagine my husband doing something like that! You were in the right--and at least you cared enough to try and salvage the rest of the evening!

Of course ou were right!!!!! Ok, maybe you couldhave been less defensive, but give me a break..That is rude, thoughtless and childish behavior. Would seem to me, that someone only thinks about himself and noone else. If I was the daughter, I would have been hurt, to think that my own father cared that little about my feelings, as to do this. And he wasnt even joking, which would not have been an excuse. There probably is nothing you can say that will ever change his mind that he is at fault. It appears this is his nature and he is a manipulator by trade. Happy Birthday to your daughter, I hope she enjoyed the cake anyways and her birthday was awesome. Let this be a lesson to her, that there are all types of personalities out there, some not that great..K.(www.arkparties.com)