Take the Bait?

I would ignore it. Maybe just be sympathetic or whatever. "Man, that is really hard. Financial problems are always the worst! I hope it gets better!" That is just as easy as giving her money, and much more helpful in the long run. The awesome thing about the internet is that you don't need a poker face! =)

I had a very similar situation with a close family member. I knew what would happen before I went to see this person every single time. But as soon as I got there, I would fall for the sob story and end up giving in.
I finally had to make the firm decision that I was no longer going to enable this person. The next few times that I saw this person, she didn't outright ask me for money, but she did strongly hint that she needed a hand out. I ignored the hints and just kept up the conversation like i wasn't catching on. Unfortunately, I don't see her much anymore, and it makes me sad. However, I KNOW I did the right thing. It's hard, but in the long run it's best for both you and your family member.

Buy her a book, one that you feel would be the right teaching tool for her to get her situation in order. That's "helping" isn't it?

Added: Now that you have added that she is a teen, I'm going to change my advice. I wouldn't be too quick to think now that she is talking about you on FB. Teens bring up all kinds of stuff on FB, and it very well may NOT be about you.

I'd text her to call you on the phone for a chat - tell her you two haven't talked in a while.

Is she still in school? If she is, then she has wants instead of needs. That's far different than if she is no longer a student and trying to find a real job. As far as no car is concerned, that something she has to earn money toward. Catching rides with friends or neighbors, even if it's two hours early for her shift, is what she has to look for. Or someone dropping her off at the bus stop. There is also cab fare that can come out of her paycheck (cheaper than owning a car, btw, by far!)

These are things that probably haven't occurred to her because she has never HAD to do them before. Perhaps the best thing you could do is make her aware of her options and how to find the resources she needs in order to succeed.

When my kids were in daycare, one of the daycare workers I really liked was having a very hard time. I asked what was wrong, and the director shared with me that her mom had died and all the bill collectors, including the hospital, the landlord and the utilities were calling her nonstop at the daycare. She was trying to pay them little amounts every month out of her daycare wages, but it was all so overwhelming for her. This director AND this young woman had no idea that she was not liable for her mother's bills. I called legal aid, got a phone number and name for her, and went to her with the info for her to call. Legal aid wrote letters for her, and the harassment stopped, and she didn't have to pay another penny. I only wish I had known a lot earlier and I could have helped her then.

The only way to learn stuff like this is to either read a lot, or live life in a way that you have to figure stuff out, rather than have everything done for you or handed to you. That's what you should do for her - lead her to water. But don't pour the water down her throat (ie don't give her money.)

Original:

I think that she is probably old enough for you to call her on it, Cupcake. Tell her that you were disappointed to see her remarks on FB about you. Tell her that it also pains you that she doesn't seem to want anything to do with you unless you help her out in some way.

See what she says. You will know that this is all you are good for if she gets defensive and bawls you out. If she says she is sorry and that she wasn't talking about you and that she truly wasn't asking for money, and that's not why she contacted you, THEN you know that she is trying to grow up.

There are posers and users in this world. I had ONE person pose as a friend and use my family - ONE. Never again.

I know you are struggling. Just be glad you have known this and weren't caught unawares. And you are right that if you continue to "help out" like this, you are enabling and that's wrong on many levels.

Good luck,
Dawn

"Hi Niece, it was GREAT to hear from you! I'd love to see you for lunch some time to catch up. I'll bring pics of the kids. I'll treat you to lunch this time, and you can treat next time."

See how she reacts to that. If she meets you for lunch, steer conversation away from money. If she flat out asks you for money respond with, "How funny! I was going to ask YOU for a loan! I'm short about $500 on my mortgage this month!"

The answer is: you cannot "expect" her, to act the way you hope for, nor to say what you hope for, nor will she ever be the way you hope for.

She is the way she is.
So don't help her.
She is trouble.

But, you can just tell her what you think, regardless. Not it being based on IF she asks you for help the way you want her to.

Just tell her no. You can't help. You have financial concerns yourself.

She is the type of person, that will always criticize people for "not being there for her." So don't get caught up in her drama.
Why, do you want to have a consistent relationship with her?
Being she is the way she is?

That age is TOUGH. I remember being 18-24 and struggling SO much. My little brother is there now and I would help him with anything. Life is so hard for that age group, and as a teenager, she really doesn't have any concept of 'using' you, probably. Does she? I know when I was that age, I just needed help, and I always appreciated it. I never stopped working towards having a better life and bettering myself, but if more people had been willing to help me, it would have been a lot easier, I think.

Well, you know the saying "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on ME"?
I'm sure you reached out with the best of intentions. And now you know.
Possibly time for a voice-to-voice clear-the-air chat, perhaps.
Sometimes a leopard will not change it's spots. (I believe they CAN--some CHOOSE not to!).
Give her the "help" she seeks....send her a Dave Ramsay book and encourage her to live on less than she makes. Give her suggestions about how to save money or make extra money.
You know what they say about a surefire solution for BROKE--it's a J-O-B! (or another O.!)

You found her on FB. What had happened that you weren't in each others lives? I guess I'm really wondering where the comment came from about people not being there for her?

If it were me, I think I'd address that with her....Sweetie, you didnt reply but posted something about people not being there for you, but now I'm hearing from you? Can you explain to me what you meant about not being there for you? And why respond to me now? Are you testing me to see if I am here for you? I'm here to talk, to turn to when you need an ear.

Do you want to help her now, only to have her move out of your life again and then reappear in 5 years when, again, she is in financial trouble?

If your answer to this question is "no", then don't take the bait. Otherwise, she will continue to use you because she knows you won't say no.

She's already a teenager and too old to tell that it's wrong to use people. Now she has to figure it out the hard way herself. And the only way she will learn is when others set good boundaries with her.

All you can do is decide what you are willing, and not willing to do for her. You already know she contacts you only when she wants something. If you can accept this and want to help her anyway because you love her, then go for it. She is a teenager and loving a teen means giving with no expectations on what you will get back.

It sounds like you really care and have compassion for this young woman. Teenagers are complicated and needy. If you can have healthy boundaries and be clear about your limits, then perhaps you can connect and see how best to help her.

I would start relating to her by telling her all the "financial problems" you are having. Yes, you may be lying, but she will not get it otherwise. Then maybe you can still have a relationship with her and she might mature in the future. Maybe in the midst of telling her all you financial problems, you can offer to help her in a way that will not be too much skin off your back (I.e give her a ride to fill out job applications)

It could just be that she needed someone to vent to.

I remember many years ago telling my mom about some financial woes. She immediately tried to offer to take care of my problems. I had to tell her that when I talk about my problems, I'm not asking her to fix them, I'm just talking to her, letting her know what's going on. I told her emotional support or advice are fine, but please stop offering to take care of things for me.

Maybe it's this way with your relative. Maybe she's just talking but not asking you for anything. Give her the benefit of the doubt and if she doesn't ask, don't assume.

I had a "friend" who was always calling me only when she needed me and wanted to borrow money... for a while I contiued to let her borrow money and I couldnt understand why she was needing all the money when she had a job. I finally started telling her I was broke and didnt have any more money to lend her. she stopped calling me for a while but recently she contacted me again (did not ask for money) but just to see how things were going.Come to find out she was on drugs and all my hard earned money was spent on her next fix. i had no idea and wish i would have realized sooner. cause not only i was losing money but i also feeding my friend her drugs that were hurting her body and could killed her. she has slowly been repaying me since we started talking again and its nice. she sometimes asks me for rides home from work and stuff but will give me 15$ in gas money which i dont mind cause its not really out of my way from my work to hers to get her home and me. but yeah im not saying this is the case for your niece, but once you enable its a hard cycle to breaak and in the end you feel like you were sooo wrong. gl with everything let us know how it goes

how closely related is she? if she isnt that close then I would NOT help her, and since that's how it went down in text and on FB, then she isnt really in need. If she was she would have called you. You reached out, and she saw opportunity. Since you feel sympathy for her, and want to be back in her life, she feels it comes with a price. People who truly love each other dont strike bargains. If shes closely related. I would help her out, despite her needy, bad behavior. I always help my very close relation, even if I dislike them, cause in the end blood is all we have in this world. IF I CANT help them, I let them understand my immediate family comes first, if there is anything left then they come in.