We are having issues with dd7. Pretty much she's a good kid but lately we have been having issues with too much TV and not taking responsibility for her possessions. DH and I realize that we need a new approach and are going to be reading several parenting books together so we can be on the same page. However, we really don't feel we can let these issue continue while we figure out our new tactic. If we can only tackle one of the issues, do we focus on TV or responsibility?
Both are directly related... If she does not meet her responsibilities, she gets no tv. It works well with my children. I have gone for as much as 2 days without having a tv on when they are in my presence.
Sometimes the hardest part of punishing them or making them be responsible is the extra work and inconvenience it requires of us...
Good Luck!
I really think a lot of your issues are more because of her age and the season - kids are playing inside more and watching more TV. My daughter is also 3 years older than my son, too.
As far as being responsible for possessions. At that age, my daughter was very careless with her stuff. Then it occurred to me, she had entirely too much STUFF in her room and had no idea how to organize it. I don't know if this is your daughter's situation but, if it is.....personally, I would work with her on a Saturday, get her TOTALLY organized - dump out drawers, closets, box items up for AMVETS, or your personal charity, box "other" stuff that doesn't need to be in her room, that she doesn't want to give away "just yet" (Move it out of her room, especially an excessive amount of stuffed animals, unless you have a cute way of displaying them without moving all of them, daily. They could be AMVETS-bound in a month or two!) TOSS, TOSS, TOSS the little stuff! (or again, box it for another time! - She may be the kind of kid who just won't let go of stuff -that's why you BOX it for another time!) Buy her some colorful bins and let her label them. Then, when you know that organization isn't an issue, tell her what you expect from her. On a daily basis, she is expected to pick up dirty clothes and put away any toys and stuff, then lay out her clothes for the next day. In the morning, she should make her bed and whatever else needs to be done. Make sure you stay on top of her organization, every couple weeks, make sure the bedroom hasn't fallen apart. Daily, compliment her for a job well done, when it IS done well! Positive reinforcement goes a long way. You can always incorporate other ways of "reward" (i.e. sticker charts, allowance, additional TV time when that is under control.)
Working together with my daughter to do a major clean-up in her room is still a nice time for us to be together. My daughter is 13 and, amazingly, she still likes me to work with her in her room. She is pretty good about keeping her stuff (fairly) orderly and we get to chat and catch up on her life. My son is the same way, although his room overhauls always come with moving furniture... UUUGGGHHH!
As far as the TV issue, once she is organized, start addressing the TV issue. Set limits on how much TV and which shows will be watched, daily. Especially limit the amount of TV right before bed. Do your best to make that more of a quiet, reading time, if you haven't already set aside that time. Don't allow TV in their rooms...just a source for music, a lamp and books. Once you have successfully made TV, less of a priority in their lives, your children will appreciate it more when additional TV time is rewarded back to them.
Good luck!
TV is related to responsibility in that when kids watch TV they are sitting there (usually slack-jawed and staring) and letting the TV do all the entertaining. They are not CAUSE over anything. They use no imagination.
At least when they are playing they CAUSE the doll to walk, they change the clothes, they build the lego tower. Watching too much TV causes everyone (no matter what age) to take less responsibility. Studies have shown this.
We had a similar issue with our 7-year old.
We took away TV, but not as punishment. We explained that TV is not good for you, and that we weren't going to watch it. We told her it was because we care about her. Instead we let her play, we play family games and TALK during dinner. What a concept!
She changed her own behavior, we didn't need any special discipline. At first it was hard because she kept begging for TV but we essentially did it "cold turkey." We let her listen to music instead of having the TV on.
She went from being argumentative, messy, dirty and not taking care of her toys to the exact opposite. She does her chores without arguing, she keeps her room clean and takes care of her toys...because she wants them to be nice for when she plays with them. She loves her family time when we play games and is excited every night when we bring out the game board. Her logic skills in school have improved, her problem-solving skills and reading skills have skyrocketed.
I'm telling you...we DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ELSE except taking away the TV. My husband was skeptical, but now when we let her watch a little TV he can even see she gets argumentative.
I wish we had a video camera for before and after. She's a new girl.
Try shutting off the TV and don't change anything else. You'll be surprised!
I agree with Mary. TV is directly related to responsibilty. Personally, I hate the TV. I love it when I take away from the kids and hide the remote. It gets nice and quiet (at least until they start fighting). My kids have the same issue of taking care of their things and being responsible for their stuff. Lately, I have also put in being responsible for their actions since they are 9. Tie the TV into being responsbile. Maybe earn 1/2 hour per item like homework/chores etc. You could also being with your 4 yr old since he is the perfect age to start showing this to.
From my experience in a middle school for nine years and my experience with my own children for the past six years, I can say that tv is probably enemy number one when it comes to your children.
From the experience of several parents I've known over the years and my own experience this is what happened when the television was eliminated from the home.
1.) Behavior improved greatly. Maybe it was because they didn't see so much bad behavior to emulate. Maybe it was because they spent more time listening to their parents as opposed to the characters on their favorite shows.
2.) Grades improved. More time to do homework, study, read, and concentrate on hobbies and projects makes for a much smarter, well balanced child. It promotes creativity because they aren't flooded with visual images that don't require them to think. Television rots the brain of our children and us for that matter. It really tells us how to think, what to buy, what to feel, and how to complain.
3.) Kids became more appreciative. Maybe because they weren't watching 500 commercials an hour to tell them what they should ask for, what cereal to bug you about, and so on. My kids love what they get for Christmas. They didn't know what to ask for so what we got them was fantastic. We spent $200 all together on our three kids and they were thrilled. That's all we had and that's what we spent.
4.) Kids want to play outside more when there is no television. Kids tend to be leaner and more fit when there is no television.
My husband and I disconnected the cable when he was laid off for six months back in 2002. After we got use to not having it, we realized we accomplished 10x more around the house and spent way more time with our family. Then after not having it for so long, we began to notice more and more of the garbage that is on television. We now notice all the inappropriate messages that television sneaks into everything even the commercials. I don't need television telling my kids that it's fine to have sex with anyone you want when you feel like it. I don't need them telling my kids that my kids that if they aren't sexy, they aren't pretty.
One last thought to ponder:
If television and what we watch didn't have a profound impact on what we think, buy, and do...then why do companies, politicians, and organizations spend millions in ads? Because they do influence us and our children whether we want to accept that fact or not.
Your biggest hurdle will be telling yourself that you have far better things to do besides watching television.
Get rid of the boob tube and everything else will be easier.
L.,
I agree with the first three posts also. BUT, I also say, lead by example.
My kids are 5 1/2 and 4. They have to "earn" t.v. time. They only watch movies or recorded show - not t.v. endlessly including commercials.
I do think you can just turn the t.v. off (for the whole family) and you will see your daughter's behavior (or lack thereof) improve. Or you can make her earn time - like use a chore chart and have several "rewards" like going to the library, a ride to the mall, buying those Spring sandals she wants, or t.v. Or you can make her read and do her homework before she gets any movie/t.v. time. like the idea of "earned" time because it directly has them help out and have a set reward. In our house they have small "chores" to do before the t.v. can even go on.
Wal-Mart and LakeShore Learning have "chore charts" that you can post on the fridge. My DH makes a BIG DEAL out of having their chores done for the day. It makes them feel proud to help out, and make Daddy so happy.
Also, we have a rule - whoever sets the table gets to pick where everyone sits. Enlist the help of your kids to get basic responsibilities! In this case, the reward is sitting next to Dad at dinnertime.
Good luck!
I can't help but think that the DD7 and DS4 have something important to do with your request, but I don't know what they mean. Do the other people who have responded know?
I would have to agree with another mom who said to cut TV out cold turkey. Giving TV as a reward sends mixed messages to your child and becomes too much of a temptation for parents to pacify their children and not spend ANY quality time with them. I would bet that after a few months of no TV (yes, you need to set the example) you will see MAJOR changes in your child. Good luck!
Focus on the amount of time she watches television, because that's something that's fairly easy for you to control. Give her a choice or some choices about the new limit...for example: Do you want to watch this program or that one today? Do you want to watch 1 show or 2 shows today? Do you want to use your 30 minutes of tv time before school or after school? Do you want me to watch tv with you or watch it alone? (Both choices should be okay to you.) Make sure you help her come up with an alternate activity to help fill the time she was spending watching television. Good luck.
