Switching Rooms/Being Fair

Speaking as the 'younger sister' I would say let the younger one have it. You promised it to her, her older sister 'called' the basement room b/c she wanted it. I know she has valid reasons for changing her mind, but letting her call the shots is wrong. And you mentioned the younger one always getting the hand me downs too. (know how THAT feels). Think how much it would mean to her to get what she wants for a change - even if that means big sis has to suffer a little. And if big sis doesn't get that, it's probably because she's used to getting what she wants first! Time to grow up, big sis!!!!!

poor mama, stuck between a rock and a hard place. i am the oldest of 4 and am very used to seeing my younger siblings get all the things i was never allowed growing up (tv in their rooms, cable, internet, car at 16) -or allowed MUCH earlier than i was. this is where i'm coming from, and i'm going to tell you to give it to your younger daughter. you said you would. and unfortunately your older daughter DID want the downstairs room. and you DID put in a lot of money (i literally was in her shoes as a teenager, in the basement bedroom while my brothers and parents slept upstairs) to make that room for HER. get her a can of raid and tell her that unfortunately god does answer our prayers and it isn't always what we expected. you need to keep your word to your younger daughter. sorry older sis...i can't back you on this one! plus if i'm reading this right, the room now being fought over is the one your younger daughter gave up to the neice in the first place? she definitely should get it back. GOOD LUCK. teenagers are great!!

Your oldest daughter insisted on living down in the basement. She basically surrendered her old room. So the room is no longer hers. I would definitely give your little girl the room that was just vacated by the cousin.

You need to sit your oldest daughter down and explain to her that when she moved to the basement that she basically gave up her room upstairs. She can no longer claim that room. If the problem is with the bugs, then get an exterminator. If the problem is the futon, then bring the cousin's bed downstairs to her room. If the problem is she doesn't like being isolated, then she can move into the smaller room that is now vacant (Hopefully). You seem to be bending over backwards for your olders daughter, but leave your youngest behind. You even admit it. I think in your heart you know that your youngest should get the larger room upstairs. First thing is first, you need to really convince your oldest that the room that was just vacated by her cousin is no longer her room! Be firm!

Good luck!

Here's a youngest (of 6) speaking. As the youngest, I did get things last, but as others have stated, there are things that I got that the others didn't because my parents had more money by the time I came around. Anyway, the thing I felt I was most lacking while my siblings were still at home was being heard. I think what is most important is that you three (or four with your husband or whatever) sit down and talk about the pros and cons and make lists and make a plan together. You will have to say at the start that there is no fighting (or maybe they'll have to be in the small room and the basement until they can figure it out without fighting). If you hear them both out and work out a plan (and they might surprise you with a good plan you wouldn't have thought of), even if they're not both thrilled about it, it won't come off so much as you making the decision in favor of one or the other. I think there would be less grumbling. I'm a mom of two young girls, so I've never experienced this as a mom, this is coming from being one of many when there were never enough rooms for us all to have separate bedrooms. I hope you guys figure it out!

K.

If I am understanding this correctly, I have a solution, which might sound kind of silly, but it just might work. It sounds like you have 2 bedrooms in the basement, but that the turnoff is the spiders. You could have an exterminator come in and take care of the spiders. I live in the Illinois side of the St. Louis metro area and I was quoted a price of about $100 a year for spider extermination, which I thought was a steal since my area had a bad case of brown recluse spiders 2 years ago. Anyway, back to my solution, you could label the rooms, including the basement rooms, and the upstairs room, and have a "luck of the draw" agreement and have them "pick" their room by picking a piece a piece of paper out of the container that will reveal the room that has been chosen for them. That way, you don't become the bad guy, you aren't the mom that always gives Suzy everything and never gives me anything. Just a suggestion, I hope it works out for you. My kids are still very young, 3-1/2 and almost 2 but I have a really funny story for you. We are about to move in about 3 weeks and we were showing our kids their new home about a week ago. We showed the oldest her room first and she was like "Yeah, okay, whatever, where's the toy room?" Then we walked our youngest, which is our son, into his room and told him that was his room and he goes "No, I want Alexis's room!" I thought it was so funny that he was already doing that at, well, almost 2. He will be 2 in about 2 months. They are the SAME SIZED ROOM!!! Just his room is slightly closer to ours. Just too funny and a sign of more to come. Our new home does have 2 more rooms in the basement, so I just can't wait for that day to come when they want to move down there instead of being up on the main floor with me. :-)

I am going to disagree with the previous response. I was also the oldest and went through everything she mentioned while growing up. But the way I read it, you told your youngest that she could have a SIBLING's room when they moved OUT. The room in question was the older sibling's room before the cousin moved in and that sibling has not moved out, she has just moved back to HER room. As you said, the basement room was not a waste of money because you can use it for yourself. Just explain to the youngest that the cousin was only temporarily using the older sister's room and the older sister has it back and that younger sister will still have the option of moving into it when the older sister moves out. You might offer the younger sister the room in the basement. I doubt that she wants it but that gives her an options of a bigger room. Remind her that someday she will have all the rooms *smile*
Good luck.

I would have a family meeting and to prepare for it ask each child to come up with a fair way to pick rooms before the meeeting. At the meeting set ground rules that everyone gets thier time to explain their idea on how to choose rooms. Once everyone (including you & dad) give reasons have a family vote with the majority of votes being the winner. Then set a date for moving around. Maybe also to make it fair, say that this is a "six/eight/twelve" month commitment and at the end of that time you will all have another family meeting to see how things are going and if another swapping of the rooms needs to happen. I would also so that there will be no painting or destruction of the room that they are assigned too....

I know that my sister-n-law has four kids and only three bedrooms and a basement room, so they are always swapping around and they really enjoy it, as they get a new fresh room every so often. Plus for you, it keeps the clutter down, as it means a deep cleaning.

I come from a very big family with sibling rivalery and I have 3 kids. What I do and what my mom did is we admit we made a mistake. I would sit your daughters down and tell every you have told us and how you are torn and you feel like you cannot chose one child over the other. Then I would leave it up to fate. I would get three pieces of paper and write one room on each paper. Fold up the paper and put them in a bowl then have them close their eyes and draw out a paper. What ever room is on the paper is the room they get. I would be sure to explain this to them, that once the paper is drawn the discussion is over.

If I am understanding this correctly, you have 5 bedrooms, and 3 girls to fill them.

I can understand where all of this is coming from but to be honest you made a committment to your youngest daughter, end of story. The other daughter may not like being in the basement, so she has a choice. She can go to the basement and deal with it, or she can take the small room upstairs when the other daughter moves out of it. The choice is hers.

If you allow her to be angry over this, then that is a problem with a lack of gratitude and appreciation more than anything else. There are a lot of kids out there that would love to have this problem. I find myself having no sympathy for the situation at all. You made an agreement. Your daughter has a choice after you fulfill that agreement. Any problems that arise from that, well, it is more about not realizing how good she has it!

hold a contest give them a chance to earn tickets by doing chores being honest helping around the house put the tickets in a bucket and have someone that does not live with you pull the winner that way you dont have to be the big bad decision maker you are lucky to have three children that are well behaved at school and out of school remond them it is only a room maybe remind them who is last to do everything i did have a similar event after my father passed away we remodled his room had a bathroom in it they both wanted it to be their room i told them to work together to figure it out or no one would have it my son decided to let his sister have it i was shocked it has worked out im sure you problem will to

I would have a meeting with the two who have a problem, ask them why they think they deserve the room (don't let this fall into an argument), then ask them what the solution should be, as you don't feel that it's fair either way, sometimes they will come up with a good solution that you M. not have thought they would want.
Another thought is, why doesn't someone else move to the other room in the basement, maybe if you gave all the kids a choice you might have two that would like to stay in the basement and the small room could be an office.
Kid's might surprise you when you listen to them and they listen to each other, you might also let each one respond when the other states their case ('how does this make you feel?') it also might give you a feel as how you think the change might be made, someone's probably going to feel bad either way, don't let it bother you. Too bad you couldn't keep the cousin in the house!

I think we often make a mistake as parents when we automatically take the position of both judge and jury in every family decision rather than seeing situations like this as opportunities to teach the family how to consult and come to mutual decisions. It sounds to me as if we expect children to simply maintain a completely selfish set of interests and, therefore, must compete with each other. One of the things I love most about my religion is that we are taught the importance of unity and the importance of healthy ways to consult and make decisions. So, I have some experience in these matters.

If it were me, I would tell the whole family that we are going to discuss and make this decision together as a family and set down clear boundaries about how the discussion will be handled.

1. Set aside a time for the discussion when there is time to finish it completely. Make sure everyone knows the date and time when the discussion will occur. Be clear about how long the discussion should last and, if it is not finished in that amount of time, another time will be agreed upon to continue the discussion until an amicable decision can be reached.
2. Everyone should come to the discussion with a list of what they feel they need from the home you share to be happy, including Mom. And, before the discussion begins, everyone must read everyone else's list. Those lists should stay in the middle of the table for reference throughout the discussion. Once the discussion begins, individuals may add or remove items from their own list ONLY if everyone at the table agrees. No one is allowed to criticize or judge anyone else's list!!!!
3. Everything that needs to be said can and must be said respectfully. Anyone who speaks disrespectfully will leave the room until they can get control of their own emotions. Say something like, "We will remember that we are a family and our most important responsibility to each other is to be forgiving, understanding, fair, supportive, patient, and encouraging with each other. Everyone needs that from their family and I want all my children to have it. (And say that like you believe it can and will happen!!! Don't ask for it. Demand it with quiet confidence.)
4. It is okay to say, "I feel hurt by what you said. Did I misunderstand you?" But it is not okay to make accusations. Make sure everyone understands what an accusation sounds like. If someone hears an accusation, the appropriate response would be, "Was that meant as an accusation?" Hearing an accusation is not an excuse to respond with an accusation. If any two or more start lobbying accusations at each other, your role is to remain calm and remind them that they need to rephrase their remarks respectfully and with kindness or they need to leave the room until they can gain control. This takes patience, but if you stick with it, it will pay off.
5. To insure there is no interrupting each other, each person is allowed to speak until they are finished and must tell the group that they are finished before anyone else speaks. If they forget to say they are finished, Mom will ask if they are finished. Mom is the facilitator and is the only person allowed to interrupt someone if they are getting too far off the subject or using their time to speak unfairly, as in filibustering or venting emotions. You can say, "Excuse me, but I think we are missing the point you were trying to make. We seem to be drifting off the subject. Would you like to back up to the issue we are discussing?"
6. Before the discussion begins make sure everyone agrees that, no matter what the outcome of the discussion, the decisions made will be supported by the entire family without grudges or complaints. It will be an experiment and everyone will support the experiment so the family can fairly assess how it is working at the next family meeting (it is good to have these once every month or two). If anyone holds a grudge and works to undermine the experiment, everyone else will feel it failed because of that and no one will be able to really assess the soundness of the decisions. (Make sure that each person speaks up and agrees to this in front of everyone else. When they agree to something, then they do not tend to feel as if the decisions are being imposed upon them.)
7. Age matters. We are all at different levels of maturity and the ability to consider the needs of others just doesn't exist in very young children. Anyone less than 8 - 10 y/o will be allowed to speak, but will not be held to the standards quite as strictly. They need more support and understanding from the rest of the family. Fairness does not mean everyone gets the same thing. Fairness means everyone gets what they need. Older siblings are expected to use the wealth of skills their maturity has provided them by being more patient and understanding. Younger siblings are to show respect and gratitude for the extra support their elder siblings are showing them.

If I were in your position, I would begin the meeting by stating that, because your family is blessed with the wealth of possibilities about how to use extra space, decisions must be made about how to do so in a way that supports everyone's happiness and family unity. Many families never have to make these decisions. Most families in the world are lucky if they can keep all the boys in one room and all the girls in another room. These families are forced to learn to share and cooperate with each other because of a lack of options. We have the opportunity to learn how to share and cooperate with the luxury of an abundance of private space. It is very important that we use this wealth in a way that supports our happiness, our respect, and our love for each other. Who sleeps in what room is much less important than being caring and respectful to each other and achieving the great happiness that comes from knowing that your family truly cares about and respects you.

One thing I would also do up front is to tell your youngest that you made a promise that you did not fully explain at the time you made it. Apologize and be honest. Explain that you had expected a different set of circumstances and that you did not foresee or consider other complications. Tell her how much you would appreciate her trust and her patience as the family struggles to work things out in a way that is most loving and caring for everyone. Let her know that you believe there is a solution that will leave no one feeling cheated. Then, when the meeting begins, remind everyone that you did make that promise and that everyone should consider that in the discussion. No one likes to feel disappointed when they thought they held a fair expectation.

Usually, our greatest challenges provide us with our best teachable moments. What your children can learn from well conducted family discussions will benefit them far more than having the bedroom they want. Getting the whole family involved also may uncover many other creative ideas about how to rotate rooms or create ways to use a spare room in a way that helps the whole family.

Best of luck in your efforts. Sounds like these kids are really lucky to have a mom that cares so much!

I don't think it is fair for the youngest to have to wait her turn so to speak, it isn't an age issue at all it is a fairness issue. If you said you would do something as a parent it is up to you to keep your word. Spiders in the basement? That can be treated even if it is spraying monthly or those harmless glue traps I used to see in all the corners of the houses I used to clean. When I was growing up we were just in a 3 bedroom house and when my sis and I were little we shared a room and then had a playroom, as we got older we wanted our own rooms and there was a squabble over who got what room...bottom line is we just took turns, moved furniture was a hassle but it was fair. I suggest you take all daughters into equal consideration and make it fair...set up a schedual and stick to it, as a parent you earn your kids trust by your word...don't make your younger daughter feel like she comes in last...even If she is the least demanding...

If I have this right your oldest is now 17 and will be going off to college in about a year. I shared a room with 2 sisters for 14 years and then my parents finally made a room for my brother and I got his old room. I'm thinking you tell your oldest daughter that the month she graduates she either takes the basement room or her younger sister's room. Then they both know the time that there will be a change.

I'm not going to be much help with the room choice part...but I can sure relate to the low on cash part.

Craigslist has tons of stuff for uber cheap.

Also, check out a Freecycle group on your area (just google it). You can put out a "wanted" for free paint to redecorate your green room. It's amazing how much stuff people have hanging around in their garage that they are willing to give you.

Next, regarding the bugs...head over to Lowe's and pick up a bag of Ortho Max for the outside and a good barrier spray for the inside. It shouldn't cost more than $30...and a little goes a VERY long way.

Good luck to you!

In thinking about it, I'd just have them trade beds...give the loft bed to the younger daughter. That way she will feel like she has more room in her smaller space. Let her know that once your older one graduates and goes on to college there will be yet another empty space in the house.

Another option is allowing your oldest to post on Freecycle to get what she would need to make the basement into the space she'd like to to be. Just give it over to her and let her make it her own...a living area and everything. It's good practice for when she moves out and will help her hone her bargain finding skills.

:o)

C.

First, I'd call in an exterminator and get on a maintenance plan for taking care of the spiders...depending on what you have the bites can be serious. They can literally spray the outside of the house so that nothing will get in (this is AWESOME...I've done it a couple of times, they literally spray the house and 6' out creating a barrier) and then get them to spray once inside to get rid of anything that is existing.

Secondly, I would ask the eldest why she doesn't want her basement room that was built just for her. If it's just the bugs, then the exterminator solves the problem and she should live with her choice of selecting the basement. As for the other post about not giving the room to the youngest because technically the eldest didn't "move out" I don't agree with...she did "move out" just down to the basement so technically, the room IS up for grabs (which is certainly the way I would have seen it as a teenager).

I would sit the two girls down and discuss this with them pointing out the delimmas. I would offer to decorate the downstairs room however the girl who gets it wants (like $200 budget for paint, bedding, decorations, etc.) (an added incentive now that there are no bugs) and let them decide between the two of them who is going to take the basement.

They have put you between a rock and a hard place. I think they are old enough to settle the differences between themselves and come to some kind of settlement. I am an only child so I can't say I ever had to deal with this, but if I could have gotten a basement room all to myself away from everyone I would have relished the privacy...it gives you a certain liberating freedom. You will not always be there to be a referee for them. They should learn to get along with eachother now and for the future in life...believe me, as an only child there have been plenty of times I wished I had a sibbling to lean on (I was orphaned at 30)...just some other family would be nice.

If they refuse to make the decision, put their names in a hat and the rooms in another hat. Draw the names and whomever gets whatever is the way it goes. The lottery isn't rigged and it's a way to solve the impass without blame being burdened by anyone.

well you could tell them that since no one can decide that they both get the rooms in the basement. You could also say the one that gets the smaller bedroom gets to redecorate it if that is a possibility. On the other hand you are the parent so make your decision and stick with it. Oh and technically she asked for one of her siblings rooms when vacated not the cousins room so she could have one of the basement rooms as those were the siblings rooms.
My boys are 16 and 9 years old and have to share a room as we only have a 3 bedroom house but they get along well but I do know that they would love to have their own space to themselves even if it was just a small room. They also sleep on bunkbeds and oldest is complaining that it's too short but their room is too small to put a bigger bed and there isn't room for 2 beds. Our bedrooms are only 10X10 with 3 foot closets so not much space to work with.

Oh and sounds like the cool loft bed may be the issue more than the room. Switch the beds around and see if that is more the problem than the size of room. If the brothers bed is better than the futon switch them too.

Teenagers are so much fun, aren't they :) I had three as well, but my son just turned 20. Anyway, I would make that room an office for you, sounds like you have earned it!!!! You could also put a desk? in there for the girls to SHARE and do homework on. If the girls want to switch rooms, otherwise, they are old enough to do all the work themselves. Let them switch. Pick your battles mom (if they dye their hair but they are home at curfew, who cares...).
Good luck and God Bless :)
T. W.