My 3 year old son has a habit of coming up, or running by, and swatting people to get attention. He also varies this sometimes by running into people hard to give them a hug, nearly knocking then off balance. He does this to visiting grandparents, other parents (strangers) at the playground, and sometimes to other children. We are working on breaking this habit, but either it’s just going to take more time or we need another approach. My son isn’t being aggressive or trying to hurt, just get attention (there’s a mischievousness about it). Along with this, he will give a hug and/or kiss right after we call him on it. We are trying to “keep the hugs/kisses” and have him drop the preceding swat (we hug a lot at home and he loves to cuddle). We tell him, “Do not hit, hitting hurts” and give him time-outs from playing. He does stop for the time-being, but will often do it again a short time later. He seems to think it’s funny, so I don’t want to accidentally turn it into a “game” by handling it the wrong way, but it isn’t something I can ignore to try and “extinguish” either.
This particular behavior is causing problems with the grandparents (who already disapprove of our non-spanking choices for discipline). I want to end this behavior and give the grandparents effective tools to discipline our son without spanking, etc. Any ideas for how to discipline this behavior?
One grandmother half-heartedly (ineffectively) administers time-outs then tells me later that she had to give 4 time-outs in a three hour time period (along with a “disapproving sigh” in my direction).
Grandparents not agreeing with or respecting our discipline choices will be a separate thread!
Thanks,
C. M.
Okay, we tightened up our discipline approach and made a few things more effective. I gleaned a bit from all of the helpful suggestions ...thank you. A couple of things we are doing: giving more reminders of the desired behavior and the consequence of not minding (as approp. for a 3 yr. old's attention span), having "time-out" at home in his room with the door closed so he feels more "isolated," we bought a few of the "Hands are Not for Hitting", etc. book series. So far, these changes, among several more, have been helpful.
Thanks!!
Yeah, the "grandparents not respecting" topic could fill a book.
I wouldn't worry too much about it. How about saying very firmly, "NO!" and looking angry about it.
I bet he'll be out of this phase and on to something else pretty soon.
I'm sure all will not agree, but I believe in clear and immediate reward/consequence.
If I were in your shoes and we were at the park, before we arrived, we would talk about how to greet people...what I expect (not what I don't want, I behaviors I want to see). If at the park, the behavior happened, I would pack her up and take her home immediately. I wouldn't be angry or mad. I would say, "Running by and hit people is not acceptable," (or what ever the behavior was) we cannot stay in the park when you do that. No hugging or kissing her way out of it. We go home.
We had a little sand tossing problem when my daughter was three. She thought it was funny. We explained the problem with it and how she could not throw sand in the park. On our way to the park, we talked about ways to play with sand in the park. The two of us came up with as many ways to play as possible. It was a fun game. At the park, she was playing really well with the sand. Then she grabbed a handful, looked at me and tossed the sand in the air. I walked over and asked her to help pick up the sand toys. Then I took her hand and we left the park. I had a teachable moment here...I directly related the sand tossing to not being able to stay in the park. She played in the backyard for a few days. When she wanted to go to the park, I had another teachable moment and talked about sand play and the dangers of throwing sand, even in her own backyard. When I saw that she was not throwing sand in the backyard, we went back to the park. Sand throwing was no longer an issue.
Have a different Kid by Friday by Dr. Leman....It's a great book!
Stephanie
Hi C.,
I would suggest buying him "Hands are Not for Hitting". We have nipped biting after a fairly long battle courtesy of "Teeth are Not for Biting". There are a ton of these book (Tails are not for pulling, feet are not for kicking, words are not for hurting) and they work quite well. I asked the ladies at my son's playschool to start reading this book to him - they started reading it to everyone and there is NOT ONE biter left in that class. To me that says it all.
Good luck!
T.
Hi C.-
Oh the joys of discipline. It sounds to me like your little one is just being that- a rambunctious little boy, perfectly normal.
I do have one suggestion on discipline.
Before he has a chance to greet people, get on your knees so that you are eye level with him and make sure he is looking at you in the eyes. Eye contact is imperative. Explain to him in words he will understand that you expect him to NOT swat or crash into people when he greets them. It may be ok for you, as he is excited to see you or something, but he needs to learn the appropriate behavior. Try using a rewards jar. He is the perfect age for this. When he follows through, he gets to put a marble in his jar. When the jar is full, he gets a reward- like a day at the park or something that he would strive for. If he does not follow through, along with a 3 minute time out (1 minute for every year old), he must remove a marble from his reward jar- taking action in his own discipline.
Once you have explained this to him, have him repeat your instructions back to you. This may take several minutes if he gets distracted. Once he understands, tell him you love him and are proud of his efforts and that you will help him learn this new and positive/good behavior. Send him off to play. The grandparents and others need to learn to speak to him this way. A time out is good, but he needs to know why he is being punished and how to remedy the situation. He also needs to be able to earn good behavior points with them as well as you.
It is a simple task, but will take much in the way of patience from all involved. He sounds like a wonderful boy!
Good luck!
-E. M
Hi there-
Your son sounds wonderful. I have found that saying no doesn't typically work. What has worked really well is giving the child something else that they could do instead. Your son clearly enjoys the attention of others, he just may not know the best way to get it. I don't know if you have tried this already, but here are my ideas. You could teach him alternative ways of getting attention, which could be just as simple as teaching him to say, "Excuse me" when he approaches someone. Or perhaps it could be more fun, like him initiationg a "high-five". Or perhaps he could come up to a person and ask, "May I give you a hug?", or say "Let's play together".
I'm still a believer in discipline, so if the alternative ideas don't solve it, then I would also discipline him for the behavior you did not like. I'm a big believer in giving a firm warning, followed by the time out. Good luck!
S.
Try sending him to his room for a few minutes, and not allowing him to come out until you say so. And don't spend time explaining that "hitting hurts." He doesn't understand it, and won't for a few more years, and your attempts to explain are just feeding him more attention. That is what he wants: the negative attention he gets from doing this naughty thing. "Time outs" often don't work, because he can still see and/or hear everything that's going on. When you send him to his room, however, you remove him from the scene altogether, and he knows he's missing out on whatever's going on in the house.
P.S. to Denise Z: Actually, you have it backward: the most violent offenders in our prisons today are people who were regularly beaten unmercifully as children. I am not opposed to an open handed whack on the butt, but it has really only a very limited application in effective discipline.
I know how you feel C.. My son is now 6, and did the same things, and we did not handle it effectively. My suggestion, is to remove him immediately from the situation the FIRST time it happens. Have a conversation with him about if you pick to do this, then mom, dad, grandparents, will immediately take you home and you will be in your room the rest of the day. I know it sounds harsh but take it from someone who has been breaking this hitting habit for 3 years, play hardball now and get it over with. Let him know that people are not for hitting, and that when he hits he is choosing to not be safe, so he can't be around people. You are correct in not using corporal punishment because who already gets stimulation from hitting will be the one to hit others when he doesn't get what he wants.
Good luck and stay true.
Tough, huh? Being consistent is very important. Any of the behavior should result in a time out, no mean faces or raised voices or attention - just into time out. Grandparents need to be on board for this, and yes, it may happen multiple times in a few hours. He is three and learning his world. After the time out you can ask him if he knows why he is in time out, and if he does, then he can apologize, then get a hug. BUT, there is a small danger he will be reinforced by the hug.
Another thing to add, is all the adults modeling with him and everyone else - you can walk up to the other person and say "Could I have a hug (cuddle, kiss, etc.), please." The other person says in a slightly louder voice "Yes, of course, how nice of you to ask me like that." He will probably pick up pretty quickly how others are doing it.
Best luck,
L.
I would try withholding the hugs and kisses. "When you hurt me I don't feel like giving out hugs and kisses." (Nothing personal) Just as you turn your back on a dog that's jumping up, turn your back on him and walk away if he hits you. He'll learn that it's not getting the attention he wants and he'll go back to gentle hugs and kisses, which is really what he wants, but he's definitely testing his power along the way.
Good luck!
Hi C.,
Try to focus on the behavior you want him to display. So perhaps you use a word like "nice" and do a petting motion. That way you are not giving him extra attention for the negative behavior and also teaching him how to act. We learned this from our daycare provider. It works great with my daughter. It takes time but now whe will catch herself and say nice and pet us. Kids just need to learn to control impluses.
Funny, I had the opposite in-law problem (too permissive, no discipline).
Anyway, I think this happens with a lot of toddler boys.
Since you know he wants attention, the surest way to change his behavior is to NOT pay attention when he does this. Tell him (when he is listening) that you cannot talk to him or cuddle when he hits. Then whenever it happens, ignore him. Don't look, don't hug/kiss, don't talk to him. Turn away, walk away.
Give affection at other times, not after he is aggressive.
MUCH easier said than done, of course. But it will work, if you are consistent. = )
Also teach him a replacement behavior---a game he CAN use to get positive interactions. It can be physical---tickling, staring contests, whatever. He should soon pick it up, realizing it works better than the other "game" of being rough.
