Support for a One Child Family

One child families are just fine. The children are often more willing to explore, take the first step, have good manners, play by them selves, and the list is endless. In other words don't look at the negatives, look at positives. And there are many! .

I was raised as an only child and had no problems. Not that my adopted dad and mom didn't try to have more kids. She had a bad miscarriage and couldn't have any more kids. Had plenty of friends and stay overs when I was a teen (now 54). My parents did not spoil me. Got my weekly allowance if I had done my minor chores, plenty of love from them and support on everything. I have two grown daughters and one soon to be 18. They are close in many ways but still have their differences. So don't worry about her being an only child.

T.

We also have only one child (a lovely 5-year old daughter). Both her father and I have siblings, so it took us a little while to get used to the idea of raising an only child. While we were making this important decision, I read a book called "Maybe One: A personal & environmental argument for single child families" by Bill McKibbon. The first half is a nice summary of research on only children, and really the vast majority of only children are smart, social . . .and perfectly normal. The second half is about the environmental impacts of multiple children. He was very non-abrasive on this point. The argument wasn't that everyone should only have one child, only that some will, and that that's probably a good thing, environmentally speaking. Anyway, I found it helpful.

I had never planned on having just one child under my roof... but that's what we have and it's amaaaazing. :) :) :) I'm relatively young, had my son when I was 23, but I'm very much advised not to have anymore (at risk of my own and that child's death. Not just a statistics thing, but a "if you get pregnant again, you'll most likely die" kind of thing. Long story short, it was iffy whether or not I'd survive my son's birth.

Having an only definitely has it practical and cultural challenges (and we're up here in the liberal NW!)... but the reverse is true as well for parents of multiples... they are just different challenges.

People mentioned the "traps" of having an only, and they're real... as real as the "traps" of having multiples. IMHO "only child syndrome" is actually a parenting issue, not a sibling issue. Ditto all the multiple "traps". If you don't want a spoiled child, don't spoil them! If you want a child who shares, that's a LEARNED skill for the vast majority of children. (Our kiddo was a natural share-er until the first time someone took what he was offering to them, knocked him down, hit him with it, and ran away... then it was 2 years of painstaking work. I was ticked -royally- at the time, but it would have happened eventually since we don't keep him in a bubble. My suspicion is that the reason sharing is a learned skill - is just that - we live in a society of people, and interacting with people in a culturally appropriate way is a whole series of learned skills).

The traps people have mentioned have never really been issues in our house. (Of COURSE toddlers are in their own world, where it's all about them them them... that's developmentally standard... it's our job as parents to ease them out of that phase -without crushing them into believing the opposite. Etc.)

The biggest hurdle in our only having one child is actually that most of our friends/ Ds7's friends have several children. It gets very hard to arrange playtime when our friends are still dealing with naps. But I can only imagine that problem is 10x worse when BOTH sets of parents are having to coordinate naps. :)

Loneliness gets brought up very frequently by parents in argument against having only children. Which was a shocker to ME, seeing as how I came from an extended (but close) family that had over 20 children, and I had 3 sibs myself. I was FREQUENTLY, if not mostly, lonely as a child. Yes there were rambunctious super fun times, but that wasn't the norm. The norm was (in talking with my sibs and cousins) that we were most of us lonely most of the time when we were at home (the twins and trips being the sole exceptions). I think many adults forget what it's like being a child... 1st off... once you're in school, unless you're in a one room schoolhouse, multiage classroom, are a twin/trip, or are homeschooled (all minorities) you're in a classroom 6-8 hours a day, and your sibs are nowhere to be seen until you're home. 2nd: Then the vast majority of kids I know/ knew have a couple hours of HW, have activities (away from sibs), and are busy trying to carve out their own identity within their family. 3rd: Just because you're related doesn't mean you'll actually LIKE all of your familiy members. (( As an adult, a person MAY be lucky enough to be close with at least one sib (I know many families who advocate a minimum of 5 kids, just to give their children the CHANCE of developing a life long friendship with at least one sib)... or they may grow up and only see family (maybe) on holidays.))

My own only, is so super social that he complains of being lonely the moment he is alone. He feeds off of the energy of other people, absolutely glows in it, and is one of those naturally charismatic sorts (if in a super goofy way right now, with giant teeth coming in at all angles... oy... it's going to be braces for this one). I am NOT that way, but he is, so I facilitate it to a degree. He has a LOT of time with others (in groups, one on one, in parties) and he's also learning/being taught how to use his time alone.

Parenting is all a balancing act. And no other group (and I'm thinking KKK right now) is as judgmental as other parents. There are about 1001 ways to parent 'correctly'... but the most tolerant of us have our aghast moments, and lets face it, most parents are the opposite of tolerant. (Hmmm... I see I've added myself to the tolerant collumn, not sure how accurate that really is... but I guess I'm writing it, so my ego can put me where it wants.) But seriously, with most parents I've met it's their way or it's "wrong"... ROFL... there's a book called Lipschtick that I read many years ago that says something along the line of "Before kids you had friends because you liked them; After kids you had friends because you liked how they parented." I have found very little to be truer.

So much of life is the luck of the draw, and how you DEAL with what you're dealt with. One child or 10, they're all amazing, and they're all hard. So enjoy. It's your life after all, live it as you see best.

Our house is filled with only children. I am an only child, my husband is an only child and our daughter is/will be an only child. I never missed having a brother or sister growing up and neither did my husband. I think 'only child issues' are a myth - my daughter shares freely and isn’t competitive like other children with siblings are. I read a book called NurtureShock and one of the points it makes is that most siblings teach children to be ruthless, cunning protectionists. Not sure if that is completely true, but as a child I didn’t have another kid there being mean or tormenting me constantly like I see siblings doing. I do have to say as an adult, I like the idea of having someone else (brother or sister) around. But who is to say I would like them or they would be stable? I know many siblings that are so different from each other that they don’t speak as adults. So don’t feel bad, just think – you won’t have to split your love and time or break up fights.

My recommendation, is to do what feels right, what she likes to do. Be her playmate when she is bored (my husband is really good at it). Build a network of friends for her, take her on play dates, find a good preschool for her, teach her all the skills she will need as a grown-up and love her. I bet you planned to do that stuff anyway…….;)

I am an only child, and although I tended to be lonely once in awhile while growing up, I was around adults a lot and got to travel and do some fun things that I probably wouldn't have been able to do if I had siblings. My parents are German and we went to Germany every 3-4 years, and I also learned to keep myself busy drawing or reading at a young age. I think there is nothing wrong with having one child. Don't let other people try to tell you what is best for your family. It seems like people always have something to say about anyone's family. If you have no children, they ask when you will have a child. If you have one child, they ask when you will have the second one. If you have two children, they ask when you will have the third. It is really silly, if you think about it. Only you know what is best for you and your family. Your daughter is really lucky that she has two parents who love her and will give her everything she needs to have a happy and fulfilling childhood. Take care!

We haven't decided for sure- i have a 2 y.o. boy and am 38. Altho healthy i had a miserable pregnancy ( 7 mos nausea, even with some meds), and as many months of a very colicky baby, who was born a month early due to a problem w/ uterus.
Our life and marriage are both finally headed back to good places and our son is a great, happy kid. it is hard to imagine going thru those experiences again, and the toll that might take on our son. we also don't feel we have the luxury of waiting a while and seeing how we feel down the road (my husband is mid-forties already). that said, we had expected we would have two, and we both feel the pressure and have gotten a lot of comments about having two.

As we are thinking about this, the "pros" are that my cousin had one boy who is now in law school. he is a great kid, has always been very social, lots of friends, good at conversing w/ adults, even at a young age. My husband is from a larger family but one sister has an only boy who is now jr high age and is also a great kid. in his case, he grew up around a bunch of cousins and in daycare. that raises another issue for us tho, my husband's family has already contributed a healthy dose of the family genes to the future of mankind and we both have concerns about population growth, etc.

One last thought about siblings. i have one sister, who i was close with growing up but we are and have always been polar opposites. we have virtually nothing in common as adults, altho i love her b/c she is my sister.

i also have a very close friend who i met when i was one (our parents were friends). We grew up w/ a little six pack (three families of two each) where we were all a little clan that played together for our entire childhood. after both moving away, we always kept in touch and we now live a mile from each other. She knows more about me than my sister does, remembers my entire life and knew me before my sister was even born. She came over for dinner weds. night and was commenting how much my son remindes her of me when i was little.

whatever pressures or expectations any of us have, i think it comes down to this: the key to raising a good child or good children is in your parenting- regardless of the number of kids. You sound like you are already considering how you can best raise her to have good interaction and relationships with other kids, and to be part of a happy & whole family is one of the most valuable gifts you can give her.

I know at least as many one-child families as multiple-child families. I've never heard that a sibling is the best gift for a child. Some are, maybe, and some most definitely aren't. Sibling rivalry can be ferocious, and MANY, if not all, first children have a hard time adjusting to losing their solitary place in the family.

I am a first child who was expected to shepherd, care for, and entertain my 3 sisters more or less my whole childhood. Not a pleasant experience (for any of us, I believe). We were all, occasionally, buddies with each other in various combinations, but that changed almost by the year. We were also enemies in about equal measure.

I had only one child, and was happy to focus the best of what I had to offer on raising her. I was careful to see that she never got spoiled, and except for one apartment where I lived, she always had good playmates in the neighborhood. She did crave a little sister at one point for a year or so, but overall, she liked being an only child, and has in turn chosen to have only one child of her own. And he seems quite happy.

I think if you were to ask around, you'll find many parents of single children who are more than satisfied with their decision. It's not a selfish or lazy decision. If you are content stopping with one, especially considering your health, just be sure your daughter has access to companions outside the family. There are a bazillion ways to accomplish that.

Please try not to feel pressured by others to have more children. If you have health issues that might endanger your life it would be tragic to leave your daughter without a mother just to try to give her a sibling.

I also disagree that that "the best gift you can give your child is a sibling". In some families siblings are close and become good friends and lifelong companions which is wonderful. However, in other families (despite the best efforts of parents) siblings bicker and fight their whole life and never do become good friends or supportive of each other.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having one child. My husband and I were just talking last night about how society has changed but perceptions haven't caught up. (For example, it's fine to have one child but people still perceive two as the "norm".) If you have health problems and are worried about another 'late in life' pregnancy, then don't do it. If your family feels right then leave it be. I think other posters have given you some great insight on raising a singleton. Best of luck to you and your family.

You sound like a lovely and thoughtful person.

Your 3-person family might be very happy just as is. You could do a lot of travelling and put a lot of resources into her education etc.

My main suggestion is that you visualize what your daughter's life will be like when she is 20, 30, 40, 50...etc. She has a life expectancy of some 85-90 years. You may only be around for 40% of it. Do you have siblings? Your husband? Does she have first cousins that she will grow up with or at least come to know? It's something to consider that, if she never marries/has kids herself, what kind of family support she will have when she is older. Then, when you think about what your family will do during vacations and summers, you might consider how you would cultivate some of those relationships.

The person who mentioned adoption does have a point, putting yourself in danger by becoming pregnant is a scary thought to contemplate. But it might be something to think about.

I have an 8 year old daughter & it's great. I have always worked hard to socialize her. I would go the the hospital education center & have free play dates until she was too old for the group. Then when many of the group had children too old to play there we had in home play dates. Look for the free activities & network with other moms. It becomes second nature. I don't let my daughter play with the easiest to reach children, I let her play with children who behave well. It takes effort on my part (planning & driving) and that is what parenting is making the effort & being consistent. I love to read to my daughter & have her read to me. We play board games & cards when she is home after school & homework is done. I love having only one child. I don't recommend having a sibling just to give her a playmate. The pros are we can afford to go more places & do more things as a family because there is only the three of us & we keep our expenses low. Family time is the most fun & we get three days a week Friday-Sunday, Summer is even better we are always busy. Every family situation has its challenges. When I need a baby fix I just babysit any of my friends babies & give any of them some well needed rest.

We have not decided if we are finished with one, or if we will have two. We have decided that 2 would be our max and I would be ok with just one. There is alot of pressure to have larger families. However, you should never have a child because you feel outside pressure. You can have a very healthy family with only one child. I know many people who were spoiled children and had siblings. The household rules and structure has more to do with spoiling children than the number of children you have. Both my husband and I have 2 siblings (he is the oldest of 3 and I am the middle child of 3). He has poor relationships with his siblings and I have awesome relationships with my brothers. Neither of us wants to have families as large as the ones we came from. As someone who loves my siblings, I would love to give my daughter the opportunity to have a sibling relationship. However, that is not a good enough reason to have another child. Bringing a child into this world has far reaching ramifications on your family, your daughter, and our earth. If it is not for you and your family, there is nothing wrong with that. You need to do what is right for you. Your daughter can grown up without "only child" issues without a sibling.

Good luck!

Hi T., I am in a very similar situation as you. I'm 38 with a 2 yr old girl and my husband and I are both only children and swore we would have 2 so ours wouldn't have the same loneliness issues we did. However, I nearly died having our daughter and resulting health issues make having another baby a really bad idea, and my husband is unsure about adoption. I am finding that the main difference between how my husband and I were raised is that I am able to be a stay home mom, and we were both raised by busy, stressed out single mothers. My daughter is involved in a 2X weekly playgroup and we have playdates so she is very social and loves being around other kids. She will start preschool next Sept and is excited to go. Looking back at our childhoods we realize that with single working Moms we were both scared, insecure and never got the chance to just be kids. We were bounced around from daycare to daycare or babysitter to babysitter without consistancy. Yes, she will miss out on having siblings, but I am still going to poke and prod my husband about adoption in the future (probably a toddler or young child, not a baby) and keep making sure my daughter is safe, loved and secure in who she is and her place in the world. I think that is even more important than having a sibling.

HI T.-

I have one child and will not be having anymore. I would like too, but my husband doesn't and we are in our 40's. So we are happy with our beautiful little one.

I think it is all about how you raise your child. Yes, they might get a little more than a two child family, but they aren't any more spoiled. Having one allows me to do extra things with my daughter that I might not be able to do if I had two. We plan lots of time with friends and playdates to be social and to work on those social skills. My daughter is very outgoing, very social and a very sweet respectful child.
Anyone who says that their child shares better because they have a sibiling is not being realistic. Sharing is a learned process and it takes all kids(singletons or siblings) time to do it. The older child probably only shares because 1. they are older and understand and 2. they probably don't share as well as the parents think and the youngest child shares because she is forced too by the older child. So, I never buy into that "share" story.
Their are only two things that I think are kind of hard having a singleton....1. you or your spouse are the constant playmate. and 2. not having immediate family available as you age.
To remedy the first, I often like to watch other friends kids for a day, so that I get a playmate break ( I am a stay at home mom for now). This gives my daughter time in our home with another child and let's me get things done as they play together. To remedy the second, I encourage my daughter to be independant, but not lonely. We surround her with other family and friends.
I know a lot of people are critical over one child families, but I then people are critical over huge families too. It is your life, not anyone else's, so just remember your family is perfect for you. If people ask me if and when we are having another, I always answer that our family is perfect for us.
My daughter is 3 and she will always be called my baby. :-)

My favorite answer that I've heard to "when are you having another" is that they were one and done.

As for avoiding the "only child" traits, socialize your daughter now. She's old enough for mommy groups and fun classes or toddler groups.

I'm the youngest of two, but most people think I'm an oldest or only. There's no quarantee that having another child would change who your daughter is at her core. Just make sure she grows up knowing that she is enough and that you love her and it'll all be fine!

You have lots of good cons and pros here. I will give you another one. Think about how overpopulated is our mother Earth and that we will all benefit from you being a three some family. And if you really long for another one you can always adopt one that is already here. We are 3 and we feel complete. We do travel a lot and we do so much more things that families of 4 can't do or at least can't do it that often. My son has lots of friends and I love having them over. I make parties for them and it is fun and I do have fun, they love it and I love it but when there are gone it feels so nice having just one. Spending one on one time with my son is my favorite time. I work with kids and I love it and enjoy it and I believe I can do that because I have just one at home. I hope I was helpful. Good luck!

Hi T.,
No matter what choices you make, people will find reasons to criticize. If you and hubby feel that you'd be happy with just one child, you shouldn't be concerned about the feelings of others. If you have health issues, and a pregnancy would aggravate those conditions, you wouldn't be doing your daughter a favor by giving her a sibling - the best gift a mom can give her child is a healthy mom! I always wanted a bigger family, but after I had two kids, I got cancer. My kids needed me, not a sibling, it wasn't worth the risk. People couldn't understand why I wanted a third child anyway since I had a daughter and a son, people consider that the "ideal family" and if you've got that, you're done.
My husband grew up as an only child. He did not mind that when he was growing up, he didn't spend his childhood wanting a brother or sister. He did have a cousin close to his age who he spent a lot of time with. Once he was around 30, after we were married, he saw the relationship I had with my sisters, and how we dealt with my mother together, and felt that perhaps he was missing something.
You and your hubby know what will work best for your family!

T. don't feel pressured from society to have more children.... or less if that is your life plan. One is a good number there are tons of only children that grew into amazing adults. There are benefits to children having siblings but there are also benefits to being an only child. It is not about how many kids you have it is about how you raise the child you do have. I personally have 3 and would have more if my husband agreed so I can't answer you last 2 questions but...... listen to what your heart is telling you to do not other people. Not to mention if there are health risks involved with another pregnancy then that is a major reason to stick with one precious child. If you decide later on that you want to love and care for another child, there is always foster care and adoption. There are many kids out there that need a loving home for one reason or another. If you are a Christian pray about it and listen to what God is telling you to do. If not you can listen anyway- He still speaks.
There are tons of books and resources for parents of one child out there. Check out your library or their website and find some that could give you some in sight as to how to raise your single child in a multi child world. My best girl friend is an only child and she is a wonderful person with 2 great kids. Sounds like you have a good plan on socializing her and getting her ready for school and being away from you. Just one side note- there are 5 years between my oldest and middle child- I never taught my oldest (for lack of better explaination) how to play alone. He always wanted to be played with.... either us, with friends, other family memebers etc... since he was an only child until 5. He still doesn't do much alone (except video games) and he is now 11. Make sure your only child learns how to play by her self. I loved playing with him.... that is all we did when he was little (I cleaned when he was sleeping and/or with other family members playing) so he never learned how to entertain himself. Even sports practice and things like that which he loves he wants someone to do it with him!
By the way- I called all my kids baby until they were 2! Still do sometimes.... not calling them a baby but my baby! Hope this helps :)

I have siblings and couldnt imagine life without them. I feel so sorry for only children on many levels. I definitely feel that we gave our daughter the greatest gift when her brother was born. THAT SAID: my husband and I always wanted 2 kids and we started in our mid 20's. We have known several only children and witnessed the pros and cons. It seemed the cons outweighed the pros in many instances. THAT SAID: I think that the number one reason I see negative issues with only children is that they dont get the social nurturing that they need and grow up less confident and sometimes acting older than they are because they werent around other kids to play.
As for your situation, you have to really do what is right for you, Age, weight, health conditions into consideration...plus if you want another child. You should never have another child for the sake of your first born, but it still can play a part in your decision. If you decide to stop at one, thats great. Just make sure you teach/encourage your child to socialize with other kids. Playgroups and close knit friends and family are of the utmost importance, I think. Most of all consider your health. Dont do anything to risk that for sure.
If you need advice/assistance on lowering blood sugar/pressure, email me privitely. I would love to help!
Best of luck to you and your family, however it may grow.

I am an only child.. but I have 2 kids.. they are 18 months apart... and I have to tell you it is amazing to watch them play. they love each other so much.. as an only child I had no idea of the closeness of siblings.. they always have a playmate and if they are awake they are always together always playing always doing the same thing. Playdates and playgroups are fine .. but it in no way compares to ahving a sibling..

However as a parent I will tell you that 2 kids is soo muchmore thatn 1 kid... so much more work.. so much more time. With my 2 kid family I rarely have 1 on 1 time with each child. I am busy all day feeding them, cleanin up the meal, basic household chores..

I do miss the closeness of 1 on 1 time that I had with my first child.. I actually dont interact as much with the kids cuase they play together..and dont need my help.

So the pro of 2 kids is they play together and they really really love each other... they always have someone to play with.

The con is the time.. lots more time lots more work.. and the lack of 1 on 1 tiem with either child.

My kids were born when I was 39 and 41.. they were fine.. and I did very well.

Hi T.,
I don't have one child but I was an only child. Two things that affected me the most were:
1) too much enmeshment with my parents - like I was a little adult, doing all kinds of things with them. I definitely learned a ton (went to lots of plays, the opera, museums) which was good. At the same time, I would have rather not been their "playmate". I was a HUGE part of their world and it was awkward. I wish my parents had let me bring a friend along more often. Or two friends.
2) because there were no other kids, I didn't learn basic things like sharing, resolving conflict, delayed gratification. It COULD have happened in situations outside the home, like at school, but it didn't. I pretty much didn't learn these things until my early 30s!!!!

this is not to say "Have more children". Not at all. You have to do what's right for you. But just to be aware of some "traps" so that your family will be super healthy and harmonious.

M. C.
____@____.com

Hi T.,
Do not feel you must have another child if you and your husband would prefer not to.

The idea that a second child means your family will be pulled in many directions, however, is not because of number of children. My SIL has a daughter, and they are *never* home and together for dinner because my SIL signs her daughter up for after-school activities all the time (yup, she's crazy). As the parents, it will be up to you what, when, where, and how your child/children's lives disrupt the family center :)

Congrats on your sweet little girl.
t

T.,
I have an only son who is now almost 7 and we are quite happy and complete with O. child. There is nothing wrong with O., if that's what's right for you! Enjoy that "baby"!

I have 3 kids and know for a fact that if you had one kid, of course they are going to be lonely !! Ask any child who grew up an only child and they will tell you that. From the people I have known to be only children, they also seemed quite spoiled (their parents didn't have to spread around the wealth and they basically got everything they wanted), not a good scenario. Personally, in your situation I can see you don't want to give birth again - why not adopt a child ? There are SO many children needing a loving home, just look at Haiti and the devastation how many orphaned homeless children walking the streets. I would definitely adopt - you are doing something good to help a child, and give your child a playmate and a sibling which makes a huge difference.

I don't have an answer to your actual question. However, if your only reason for not having a child is do to the medical aspect, then keep in mind that you could always adopt.