Stuck?

There are so many rough situations that a person can have. I am really not seeing this as one. I have been in many tough situations and a good man is so hard to come by. I would suggest counseling. A good counselor can bring out so many positive qualities that are often overlooked. The kids deserve to see a wonderful relationship that will set an example for them.

Think of how unfair it would be if you kept him around "just for the kids". Imagine how that would feel if you were in his shoes? What would you want him to do?

Here's what I see. It seems that people that are alone want to be in a relationship and that people in a relationship want out. I see people wanting different jobs, different houses, better this, other that.... It's destructive.

When we concentrate on the things we are not happy with we don't see the good things. You can write a few of them down. But you don't feel it because you've developed a very bad habit of seeing what you don't have.

A thought reaps an action, an action reaps a character, and a character reaps a destiny. What we think about is important. If you spent your time remembering the things that you loved about your husband and thinking about the house you live in, the neighborhood, friends, developing some new hobbies, getting back to whatever your beliefs are about God, loving your boys, walking your dog, enjoying your life right now, you wouldn't have time to be thinking this garbage.

I am NOT judging you. I am in an unsatisfying relationship. I spent years trying to change my husband. I spent years praying for change. I spent years thinking negatively and it had a HUGE impact on my actions without me even realizing it. Now we live nearly separate lives while we do enjoy our life and house together. But sometimes I wonder if there will ever be any hope for a real relationship. But I realize now that it took 2 of us to get to this place. I had a part in it no matter how much I may have wanted to concentrate on his shortcomings.

I have 4 daughters. They are 10, 20, 24, and 26. You don't realize this now, but they still come HOME. They still need a HOME to come home to. We are grandparents of one very special little boy now. God gave us this angel baby to help raise as the 20 year old goes through college. I can honestly tell you that I enjoy watching my husband be such a sweet grandfather. He needs us as much now as ever. Not only that, but my mother lives with us. God intends for marriage to be forever. It is forever. Even if you split you are only adding a complicated messy layer to your life. Dealing with X spouses, dividing up the family for the holidays, feeling jealous when he gets re-married or hangs out with some new lady. You don't NEED that. You will regret it if you go there.

I didn't have cancer, but I did divorce my husband of 19 years. The marriage suffered death by neglect. We let it die. And we both thought we'd be happier with other people -- we didn't want to be "stuck" the rest of our lives.

Our kids were 5 and 15 when we divorced. They are now 13 and 23. I still regret it EVERY SINGLE DAY. My ex is remarried, but his marriage is far from perfect. I am not remarried. I have a significant other, but it's just too complicated to blend our families at this time. So I'm a single mom. I don't have financial issues really, but I'm lonely.

You survived cancer. You beat it! Now you can do something equally as empowering -- make your marriage survive. You're doing it not only for you, but also for your kids. I promise you, if you don't at least try to fix this, you'll look into their faces every day and feel regret for ruining their lives. Because that's what divorce does to kids.

I can't undo what I've done. But I can encourage you not to do it. Get some good counseling and find something to do with your life that gives it new meaning. Many hugs to you.

Updated

You say you still love your husband but it is not the same. What makes you think it should be the same? I love my husband, but it is not the same as when we married. It's not supposed to be. Experiences change you both, for the better or for the worse. If you love each other than y'all work to make the changes work for your marriage so that it endures and lasts a lifetime.

Personally, I think you should stick with it. If you aren't happy then tell your husband that. Tell him you feel that you are missing something important, but aren't sure what it is. Maybe he can help you.
I suggest you not mention that you love him but it's not the same anymore. That is a very hurtful thing to say to a spouse and the words cannot be taken back. If you feel you must tell him that, then be very cautious and be gentle in an attempt to limit hurt feelings.

P.S. I'm appalled at the comment about credit. Staying married for your credit is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It's insulting to your husband. It's insulting to the very core of what marriage is. Credit should not have anything to do with staying married or not. You say that you see things differently and some thing are just not important anymore. I really hope your credit is not so important that it would have anything to do with the decision to get a divorce or not.

I suggest that you do try counseling for yourself and also then couple. THis is a huge and serious move you are contemplating. The grass in this case is hardly ever greener on the other side thats for sure. Picture if you will: You, by yourself. In a small apartment. Possibly not seeing your kids because they should not have to move their friends and school b/c of your midlife crisis. Not sure how old you are or what you look like but I would HATE to be a divoced woman over 35 out there dating. Unless you are a milf you are wallpaper to most men. They want them younger. So if a new relationship is something that is important I wouldn't bank on it. Also consider that you will be seen as the bad guy here by many mutual friends that you would think that you could call for support.
So, there is really a lot to lose and 'probably' not that much to gain. So really think hard before pulling the trigger here. If you are someone that is OK alone and have a decent means to support yourself then you might be ok. Otherwise-not sure if I would risk it all. But do have a long talk with your husband...nobody deserves to be blindsided.

If you leave him, then I bet you will still have the empty feeling you are having now. You said nobody around you see's it the way you do, I bet that will still be true even if you divorce and you will be left with an even bigger void in your life. Have you thought about personal counseling for yourself, you did just go through a very tramatic time.

I think you've been through A LOT, and maybe counseling would be a good idea. Could you be suffering from depression? It's actually pretty common in cancer survivors. Don't make any major life decisions until you look into it. Here's some information that might be helpful:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cancer-survivor/CA00071

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1WjHi3IXSA&feature=re...

Very best wishes!! :)

I have never been through what you have been through, but I do understand what you are saying. If you have some love for him is there anyway you can try to get it back to where it was? Maybe you can share with him how you are feeling stuck? That you want more, and this has to do with you and how you are feeling. Really talk to him. Maybe your mom can babysit and you can book a weekend away just the two of you to talk and try to reconnect? I don't want to sound like your mother but I was divorced when my son was small, and I did find a wonderful man who loves my son as his own, but that isn't always the case. I like you fell out of love with my ex. He never made me or my child a priority. He was a workaholic, and then went out with his friends. He did nothing with my son and I. His father was the same way, always had a girlfriend and his mom knew and stayed. I guess my ex thought that is what marriage was, just bring home the paycheck and do what you want. At times I felt like a single mother, so when my son was 19 months old I left. Because I wanted more and I felt my son deserved more. I remarried when my son was 3 and am still with the same wonderful man, so I do get what you are saying. My ex has not seen my son since he was 12 and he is now 26, so I know I made the right decision for me. The difference is your children are older and it will be a very difficult road ahead, but that doesn't mean you should stay and be unhappy. I was a teenager when my parents divorced and I HATED any person who my mother or father were with. It is very different from my case because my son was a baby and he grew up with my current husband. To him this is his dad. If there is any bit of love there please try to work it out. If you can keep your family together you will be thankful later for that. Try to make a date night every Saturday night and reconnect, just like you did when you were first together. If you really loved him at one time you can get that back. I don't think I really ever was in love with my ex, I just wanted to get married. So the failure of the marriage was on me as much as him. Sometimes the passion leaves our marriage for a while and we have to fight to get it back. It isn't uncommon but it takes work on both sides. If he is a good man, then give it everything you have before you call it quits. To answer one of your questions in my opinion no you shouldn't stay for your kids, it will only make your resentment built and it won't solve anything just prolong it. There is soooo much divorce out there, myself included, my parents divorced, I divorced, so if you can salvage your family give it a try. Good luck to you. If you need to talk I am sure we are all here for you. And congratulations on beating your Cancer!!!!!! God Bless!!

I don't really understand why you want to leave him. Has he been abusive? Does he neglect you or your children? Does he have a terrible addiction? Marriage is supposed to have its ups and downs, but you took some very important vows and I urge you to try every avenue of working on things, before you take a leap and get divorced. It's like someone else said already, I have married friends who think it might be fun to be single again, but my single friends long to be married and have that lifelong companion. I really think that most likely your unhappiness is rooted somewhere else. If you leave him, chances are that you will regret it. Unless there are some terrible things going on that you haven't mentioned, I just don't see grounds for divorce here. There are so few good men out there...if you have a good one, hang on to him. You would not believe the stories I hear from my single friends. I am so thankful I am not dating! Yes, I go through times when I feel disconnected from my husband, but I think that is normal. Usually it is because I am acting a little too co-dependent and expecting him to make me happy. We are all imperfect and people will always let you down. But being happy is up to you. It's too risky to go out into the world and search for happiness. Most of the time you won't find it. It's not a destination...it's a decision. I hope you and your husband can talk this over and work on your marriage. I wish you all the best :)

Congratulations on winning your fight against cancer!
After fighting to stay alive, could you possibly be bored now that you've achieved the ultimate challenge? Maybe you're waiting for the next shoe to drop, because life is too simple and boring without dealing with a challenge. I'm talking from personal experience, and my husband often accuses me of creating stress in my life because I enjoy being stressed out. Of course I don't like being stressed out, but I could probably occupy my time into a business venture or hobby that would be fulfilling (key word being "fulfilling"). My advice would be to focus your time and energy on something you're passionate about... did you think of any creative ideas or things you wished you could have done in the midst of your treatment? Good luck to you, and congratulations to your second chance in life, use it wisely!

I'm happy that you won the battle with cancer. You should consider yourself very fortunate. As far as your husband is concerned, maybe you should have a long talk with him to let him know how your feeling. Counseling is always an option.

Nice neighborhood, nice house, nice dog, even nice husband and kids does not equal a purpose in life. We need to create that for ourselves, and it is very necessary for a fulfilled life.

What are you passionate about? What legacy do you want to leave? If these are questions you would like to explore, I would suggest looking for a Life Coach. The difference between a life coach and a counselor is that a coach does not "diagnose" you. You are fine the way you are. But instead works with you to discover your purpose and then to examine and alter your behaviors to reach the outcomes you want in life.

Working with a coach has been life changing for me, and for many people I know.

Here's a resource to find a coach in NJ: http://www.njcoaches.org/

I understand what you are saying, life is short, sometimes we forget about trying to live happy and what is important, sometimes it takes a hard experience to remind us that.
However this hard experiences also shakes many things in our minds, we can become depress, and feel not attached to people that once we share so many thought but now they may seem so distant.
For your post, I can really understand why you want to divorce, I wonder if you maybe are depress or still shock for what you have being through.
Without many details is hard to tell you, if he is being mean, bad, distant, etc, etc. I don't think you should wait until your kids grow to try to be happy, however I think you should prepare your self before, educate, safe money, find a job, etc. Divorce is always hard for children, but is even worst see an unhappy parent and know it was because of them.
Before you decide what to do, I think you should give your self a chances, try looking for a counselor, talk to your husband, take some vacations, start something new, something you have always wanted but because of the kids, home, marriage you haven't be able to.
If what you have is a depression, and you get divorce you may regret it later, only you can make your self happy, with or without him, just make sure is really you who want to leave and not a depression or a misunderstood.
Take care.

Hi Lizbeth,

I have to agree that counseling would be a good first place to start. Just find a good person to talk to for yourself (to start), and see what it is that you are dissatisfied with and which directions you are wanting to take in life. It sounds to me as though you feel scared, trying to make all these decisions yourself. They are big, scary decisions. And you have had some very huge, lifechanging events recently. Sometimes we don't know the whole effect of these on our selves until much later on.

Just as you wouldn't have fought the cancer without the help of qualified, experienced doctors, I think this is another time in life where getting support and help would be beneficial. I myself did go through a divorce years ago, and having a counselor in my life at that time was hugely helpful. I had someone to talk to about my life who could be more objective, who I could bounce ideas off of and to help me become more reflective on my actions and words. A counselor is going to want you to work toward your own best interests and happiness. No matter which path you eventually go down-- staying or leaving, having support will help you make better decisions for better reasons, and you'll likely find yourself very grateful at times to have someone in your corner.

I'm glad that it appears your cancer is in remission! You didn't explain why you feel differently towards your husband. Do you resent him for not being as supportive as you thought he would be while you had cancer? I can't give you advice since I don't know why you feel differently towards him. I would think that cancer patients would appreciate their spouses even more - not less like you do (unless your husband did (or didn't do) something to you while you had cancer that was very hurtful to you. If you would please update the reasons why you don't want your husband anymore in the "so what happened" section, I would be happy to give you my advice.

Sometimes, in facing our own mortality, we develop an overwhelming sense of life being incomplete in some way. We think about the things we should have, could have or would have done, or done differently. Much of this often takes place in the "bargaining" stage of tragedy. Perhaps you are in a rut, perhaps because you have learned not to sweat the small stuff, now you find it difficult to function in a simple day to day life and still achieve a sense of fullness. I suggest counseling.

Life is supposed to be happy. You had what many would say is a wake up call and your life went in a different direction. What is making you unhappy? What in your life is missing? I recommend counseling, you need to find out what you need in life to become happy again. A lot of people who go through a trauma, as in surviving cancer, fundamentally change. They suddenly realize that life ends and they need to DO something. What is it you need to DO? You can find a counselor who can help you to dig deep to find whatever that is.
Start with the dreams and plans you made for your life as a child. As kids we often see our path before us, for instance writing the great American novel, or becoming a fire fighter. And as we are growing up we are told 'you can't do that' so we look in a different direction and follow a different path. We convince ourselves we are happy and leave our childhood dreams in our childhood. Maybe that is what is calling out to you now.

All of our experiences change our outlook on life. Some profoundly (stage 2 cancer), some in a small way (getting a bonus at work).

All of us are where we are in our lives because of what we've been through.

Hasn't your experience with cancer changed the outlook of your husband and kids as well?

If you are not in love with your husband, staying will not help anybody. Staying is more detrimental to all involved, especially you. Resentment and regret are very sneaky and will hijack your happiness with the quickness leading to negative changes within yourself. And an unhappy mommy ultimately leads to unhappy children. Not to mention all the insecurities that come with living with someone who does not love you anymore. A recipe for disaster in my opinion- feeling STUCK is an impossible emotion to overcome without drastic change, and depression is the result of not making that change.