Struggling with My 3 Yr. Old Daughter to Go to the Potty....

Sounds to me like she isn't ready--and certainly wasn't ready at 2! Back off for awhile and wait til she's interested.

Stop doing it. She is not ready. When she is ready, she will let you know. There is no need to stress over this, it WILL eventually happen.

My son was the same way and I highly recommend Lora Jensen's 3 day potty training method (e-book): http://www.3daypottytraining.com/

It's a rough few days, but worth it. It doesn't mean they will never have an accident after 3 days and I think with some stubborn kids, it might even take 5 days, but I think it's so much better than taking months and months to train with pull-ups and sticker charts. Good luck!

wait til summer. fewer clothes to get wet and she'll be older and maybe more ready. good luck!

My advice is to not use Pull Ups. They are essentially diapers that open differently... they still absorb the moisture. Go cold turkey and put her in underwear so she really learns by getting wet. Show her where the potty is and tell her to use it when she needs to. (my daughter wanted complete control, so the more we asked her to "try", the more she rebelled). There will be accidents at the beginning, but when she realizes the diapers are gone, she will start to use the potty (just use diapers when she is sleeping). If she continues to rebel ie. holding it (my daughter did this extremely well), then maybe you want to stop for a couple of weeks and try again later. Just try to let her have some control... just let her know she is a big girl now, and pull ups and diapers are all done.... time for big girl undies!!

I started teaching my son to use the potty at 2.5 and it took until he was nearly 4 to be trained. I had him in pull-ups for about 18 months (he was too big for all the disposable diapers and I wasn't willing to clean up accidents when pregnant and with a new baby -- the kids are just under 3 years apart). I am definitely in the leave it alone for a while camp. Hopefully your while is not as long as in our house! If not for the new baby I think it would have happened sooner. In some ways diapers/pull ups are easier when you are out and about anyway. Eventually my son went to preschool and wanted to be in underwear. When we finally switched it was less than a week of frequent accidents and 4-6 weeks of some accidents and mostly dry days (including about 7-10 days of being sick). After 3 months I still have to remind him to use the potty every 2 hours but accidents are only if he is very tired, sick or it has been over 2.5-3 hours. We still use pull ups overnight and for car trips over an hour.

Take a few weeks off, putting her in diapers, as if you have forgotten about it - other wise it is just a power struggle.

Then, do the one day in the bathroom.

Have treats, chocolate milk, books, puzzles, music to dance to. Don't answer the phone or check your email. Eat in the bathroom. She has on dry panties and is rewarded for keeping her panties dry. You practice running to the potty. Have her drink insane amounts of liquid (her favorite). Then she'll have to go a lot and get the practice of the sensation of 'I need to pee' over and over again.

It really works.

Be cheerful, happy, encouraging. When there is an accident, "Oh, well, let's clean it up." Trust me I am not a cheerful person - but I faked it and it worked.

This is one area that I didn't stress about with my son. I was probably to busy stressing about everyting else and honestly I didn't mind the whole diaper thing - I thought it was quite convenient. LOL. My only advice is back off of it and let her control with you encouragement and guidance. I truly believe the bottom line is when they are ready, they are going to do it. Thats how it was with my son anyway. I know children are different so you have to really look at your daughters personality. My son is almost 3 now and potty trained. I think around 18 months I noticed signs of being ready but he wasn't. We just talked about it, showed him about it. I did the switch to pull ups and LOVED them. He loved them too b/c he felt like a big boy. He'd gone a couple times but then not so much. He began to tell me that he'd go when he was bigger. So i let it go. Then he eventually progressed on his own, but I never let him just forget about it entirely. I didn't do the constant on the potty - albeit - he is in school and when it came down to it they did but only for a short time and only when he said he wanted to do it. We did it at home then too and within a short period of time he went from pullups to underwear. I knew when he would just get a pull up on and then tell me he was wet it needed to be changed that he was so on his way. They know what to do - they need to want to do it. At the age of 2/3 they know. Maybe because it has been such an issue for a year she's reluctant to give in. Take a step back and start over with a fresh new easy going approach. If you're exhausted and stressed about it then imagine how she's feeling!

She's 3, so it's pretty unlikely that she isn't "ready" or aware, she just isn't bothering. I wouldn't do rewards, stickers, tattos, candy, etc - I never used rewards when I toilet trained my kids. Are you asking her if she needs to or wants to go? If so, STOP. Dont' give her a choice. Put her in cloth diapers or heavy cloth training pants with a waterproof outer layer or plastic pants (like for cloth diapers) on top. Then take her to the toilet about every hour and a half. Don't ask her, just take her, make it part of the routine and something that she isn't being given a choice about. In Pullups, she isn't "wet" - in cloth, she'll learn what it feels like to be wet and she probably won't like it.
Good luck

Dear M.,

My son was very resistant to potty training, and he was almost 3-and-a-half by the time it actually happened. Until he was potty trained, I was very stressed about the whole thing and felt like a terrible mom. Now that he's trained, I honestly wouldn't have done anything differently.

Okay, here's what we did:

For many months, I made my house a "no-pants zone." When my son got home from preschool, off went the pants. First he wore nothing from the waist down; then he "graduated" to underwear. After a day or so, my son could get himself to the potty -- no more accidents on the floor. I had to wait until Christmas vacation, when my son had no school and I wasn't working, to take it to the next stage. I merely told him that pullups were nocturnal, like bats, and that underwear was for day.* On the first day, he had one accident after another; we went through about 6 pairs of pants. I was very careful not to criticize these accidents; I just said "okay, let's change your pants and underwear." On the next day, I swear, he was potty trained.

So, after that whole story, what I've come to understand is that some children just need to pee in their pants in the process of potty training. This isn't a bad thing at all; it's an important part of the learning process. I DO understand and basically support the view that potty training is a psychologically sensitive time and that different children are ready at different times, but I also think it's important to remember that young children don't know what they're capable of. Just as some children have only a rudimentary sense of danger and need to be cautioned a lot, other children are very change-resistant and need to be gently, respectfully pushed to try new things. For my very sensitive, change resistant little boy, the push I gave him in potty training was actually very beneficial -- it's helped him think of himself as a "big boy" and has helped him try other new things.

Back off for a while. All kids are different. My son was trained at 2 1/2, my daughter was over 3. My neice & nephew (believe it or not!) each closer to 4 years old before they were truly good to go!! Every child is different, and it is probably bothering you more than her. The only reason to push would be if you have a preschool or daycare that requires them to be trained. The truth is that nobody will go to college in diapers, although they may be back in them when they hit old age ;-)

Truth is, wait a bit... then start fresh. The rewards only work some of the time... they have to want it (using the potty!). If they're with other kids using the potty it will self generate interest in the activity... when you start again, keep offering the potty without the reward. She'll get there. You might live through it ;-)

is there an older sister? have her go into the bathroom with you and let her see how big girls do it! and tell her she is a big girl now. when she does go to the potty make a big deal out of it, mabey make up a "i went potty" song and dance. when my kids (i have 4) would first learn to poo we made up a song that we would sing in the bathroom with them. "poop it out, poop it out, waaay out, poop it out waay out, yeayyyy!!!" and it would help them get it out. and as far as the treats go, sometimes you have to switch it up or she will get board with it. try a $1 to got to the $1 store, a gold stat chart, at the end of the week see how many stars and go out for ice cream.

Hi M.,
My advice would be to take a few months off from potty training. Two years is pretty early to start, and it sounds like you've had a year of trying with no success. I was in the same boat with my son. I tried with him when he turned 2.5 and after 4 months of wondering why he would happily sit in a dirty Pull-up, I gave up. I didn't even mention potty training. It took the pressure off both of us. Three days after his third birthday, he said "Mommy I want underwear" and he never looked back. Kids at this age are learning to assert themselves and like some control over their environment. Potty tasks are an area where they pretty much have control (behaviorally, anyway). So back off for a while - she may surprise you!
Best of luck!

I understand how you feel. My daughter turned 3 in October and she is just now getting to the point where she asks to go potty almost every time. I am still using pull-ups at night and when we go out, but when we are home, she is in regular panties and I take her to the bathroom about every hour. I have learned that you simply cannot rush them. They will go when they are ready. It has also helped seeing other children her age go potty in nursery school. Hang in there. I know it's frustrating but some children don't fully get it until 3 1/2 or 4 years old. Putting my daughter on the potty every hour or so and making her sit there for a few minutes each time has helped tremendously! Good luck and stay sane, even though it's soooo hard!

You may have started her too young and she is trying to show you that she is controlling the situation. For me, I knew I did not want any sort of power struggle so I didn't even think about training until 3 (luckily, our kids' preschool allowed diapers!) At 3, I told my kids that the diaper fairy came and took away the diapers (and night, though, I said "Oh, look! The diaper fairy was so nice and gave you a nighttime diaper!") My oldest and one of my twins was trained within a day and no struggles. The other twin was more stubborn. Cried on the potty. Couldn't get the hang of it. So, I gave him back his pullups and didn't talk about it again until about 4 months later and just tried again. This time, it worked like a charm. I will say, though, that he said to me at some point "Mommy, if I wear big boy undies, will I still be your baby?" Once I assured him he'd ALWAYS be my baby, something clicked in him and he was trained that day. That tells me a lot of it is psychological.... Can you give it a few weeks rest and then just try again?

forget the pull-ups, the are counterproductive!! At that age when you're potty training you want them to feel wet when they are wet. Those pull ups are so absorbent, they are meant to keep her comfortable and dry. I agree that she needs a break, stop trying for a month or two. But once you start again, just put her in underwear and take her to the potty every hour. Best advice I had about potty training is Keep a training potty right in the room with her where she is playing at all times, so when she has the urge to go, she will see it and make that connection. If it's in the bathroom, out of sight out of mind. Keep one in the car too, I had the one in the back of the minivan and had to pull over for her to use it numerous times. There will be accidents, dont make a big deal about it, they will get fewer and fewer until she's trained.

When my kids were that young I had a tv tray and a amall basket of "special toys" only toys to put on that tray and every week or so would change up the toys. We would set her on the toilet and let her have the tv tray with the toys and she would sit there until she went then we would set the toyr aside and everytime we would do the same thing and she just soon started going by herself.

I just went through this too with my 3yo girl. After many months of tring to no avail, I finally realized that she was just being stubborn and it was not going to happen unless I forced the issue. I waited until she had a week off from school and told her there were no more diapers. The first day I put her in underwear and pants and she had accidents all day. So the next day I let her run around bare-butt and she didn't have a single accident until the very end of the day. The following day I put her in underwear with no pants and we had no accidents. The next day fully dressed with just a couple of accidents. By the end of the week she was fully trained and we now only have the occasional accident, mostly when she's really tired or upset about something. It seems like your daughter is ready and has a similar attitude to mine (at least when it comes to potty training). She might just need that extra push.

Hi M.,
My son just turned three and is the same exact way. I dont know if it will work, but each time I change his diaper/pull up, I make him sit on the potty - even if he doesnt go. Each time he sits, I give him a ton of praise, so hopefully he will want to sit on it more. But I know how frustrating it is! Good Luck, and dont stress over it - she wont go to high school in diapers!

I am a mom (of a toddler and infant) as well as a mental health therapist so PLEASE please listen when I tell you that potty training is MORE of a psychological issue than it is a gross motor/physical/cognitive training issue. It doesn't matter how many "tricks" you try in order to get her to learn, if anything, she may do well temporarily and then go backwards again which will be frustrating for you and shameful for her... this causes so much long term damage to a person's self-esteem and possibly personality development. I KNOW you are desperate because it is tiring to buy so many diapers when you must feel that she is smart enough in other things so why can't she just catch on already with this thing... but stop, just stop. Don't try any longer to potty train her. You've already introduced it (more than that!) and she knows the deal... when she is psychologically ready for it she will let you know (signs will include that she is telling you to change her because she has poopy- when you do, don't make comments about how she should've used the potty and so forth, don't praise of condemn her for it, just change her). There are other "signs" so look for these and meet her where she is.. instead of trying to force or trick her into being where you are at. I promise you that she won't go to elementary school with diapers on! If you want to encourage her to move forward with it, then you need to do so in less direct ways... so for instance, have playdates with girls that are potty trained and let her naturally observe how that little girls handles it. Let your daughter follow you into the bathroom often and observe how you do things (maybe don't flush the toilet in front of her though because the act fascinated and they are- but at the same time the are often scared of that the most). The most important though is for her to see other little girls use the potty, and for you not to pressure her with tricks or shaming her... she will come around on her own. Believe me. Think long term about the conequences of the damage this may do to her person versus putting up with two more months of diapers (eg). Best wishes, N.

Hey, M.,
You've gotten a ton of response from all perspectives, so I just thought I'd share my experience with my twin daughters. We didn't go into potty training with any particular philosophy, but in the end, we just gave them the tools and followed their lead, and they essentially trained themselves -- but late, compared with many other families' experiences.

From around age 2 on we had potties around, and they went through phases when they were more and less interested in them. We never made a big deal out of it. If they wanted to sit on the potty, we would let them. If they happened to actually pee or poop while they were on there (which happened only rarely) we said, "Great job! I'm so proud of you." But we didn't reward with stickers or candy or a chart.

We switched to pull-ups because it was easier for them to sit on the potty when they wanted, and because that's what their day care wanted them to use. But I knew it was the same as diapers for all intents and purposes. We also got a couple low-key books for them -- "No More Diapers for Ducky" and Karen Katz's "A Potty for Me." We took a potty-training DVD out of the library and they watched it a few times. It felt like making deposits in the bank that we were hopeful would pay off some day down the line.

After they turned 3 they started being more successful going on the potty, but they still seemed just as inclined to go in their pull-ups as on the potty. I started wondering if they would ever get it, but we still didn't make any particular effort to train them. When they seemed more interested in sitting on the potty we praised their effort, but when they didn't seem interested we didn't mention it.

Then around 2-3 months after they turned 3, one of my daughters got a pretty bad rash on her upper thighs. Her doctor thought we should air it out, so we entered a 2-week phase where pretty much whenever we were home, she was naked from the waist down. That seemed to lock it all in for her. She never peed on the floor. We had the potty in the living room, where she and her sister usually play, and she'd just use it when she needed it. We never asked if she needed to go. She knew what to do, and since she was half-naked, she did it. My other daughter got into it soon thereafter.

We went out to GapKids and they picked out packs of underwear they liked, and with the exception of maybe two accidents, there's been no looking back. They're 3 years, 5 months now, and they still wear pull-ups for naptime and nighttime (one of them consistently wakes up dry, so I am hopeful!). While the process, in retrospect, kind of took forever, it wasn't exhausting because we didn't really do that much -- other than give them the tools they needed and encouragement.

Good luck!
A.

Are you willing to wait till she is really ready? A year to potty train is saying she was and still is not ready. A child that is ready will catch on pretty quickly.

Maybe take the opposite approach and tell her she is going back to diapers, because you realize she is too young to use the potty by herself. Not in an ugly way, but in a very comforting motherly way. Act like it is not a big deal..

She will either beg to be able to go, to prove to you she can do it, or give you both a break and maybe try again in a month to offer her a "chance" to try again.

Purchase some really pretty or cool panties right before you bring the subject up and say. I" saw these big girl panties at the store! I think we should save them till you are using the potty. Let me know when you are ready to try again."

I am sending you strength and patience..

Hi M.,
M y son was 3 years old when we started potty training him. At that age he was definitely well aware of what was going on. I also tried to reward with Raisins or M&M's (something I said I would never do, but I was about to lose my mind).
I found the best thing that worked was telling him that we were all done with diapers. He either wore his big boy underwear or went naked around the house(it was the summer time). He knew he didn't want to be wet. He quickly learned that there was no other option and he had to use the potty.
Trust me, we still had accidents, but I found that worked better than rewards, dvds etc. If I went out for long period of time, I still put him in diapers, but for quick trips he wore his underwear and I brought an extra pair of clothes with us just in case.
Good luck!! It's defintely not easy!

Get "toilet Training in Less Than a Day" (http://www.amazon.com/Toilet-Training-Less-Than-Day/dp/06...) from Amazon or from your local library, read it, follow the instructions, and your daughter will be trained in no time. That's what I did with my son, and in about half a day he was going potty himself for #1 and was asking for a diaper for #2. Without further pushing anything, within 3 weeks he started to do everything in the potty.

I've recommended it to friends who had the very same experience with it.

I agree with the mom that said potty training is psychological, however its the parent that has the problem not the child. For some reason parents make a big deal out of the potty. Did you reward her for learning to walk? For sitting in her car seat? For eating with a spoon? She needs to be taken to the potty every 30 minutes at first and told to sit for 2 or 3 minutes. Dont read to her or promise a reward, just treat it as another thing that has to be done, like getting dressed, hair brushed, shoes on etc. The bigger deal you make of it, the more power the toddler has over it and you. Dont use pullups, they are just a glorified and expensive diaper. get thick training pants and let her pull them up and down herself. Once she is used to having to sit on the potty, simply tell her its time to go sit. She will soon figure it out. No rewards and no scolding either. Just be matter-of-fact about it as you would brushing her hair or any other daily activity.