Stranger Danger - Depew, NY

I used the Berenstein Bears video about stranger danger in my kindergarten classroom. It makes the point without being scary. It is a good idea to do something...read a book, watch a video or have a dicussion maybe once a month or so, just like fire safety or poison safety.

It's great to have a sociable child and you are rightnot to want to squelch this. Telling a kid about strangers doesnt work. How can you describe a stranger? Most pedophiles are nice looking, soft spoken and know how to talk to kids. He needs to be told not to talk to or go anywhere with ANYONE EVER!!!when he is alone, without your or his dad's permission. Most especially he is NEVER to go ANYWHERE with ANYONE, EVER. Most child abductions, abuses are done by someone the child knows, so this should be a hard and fast rule like running into the street. You don't need to explain why, it just is a rule. Later when he starts school give him a code word in case you cant pick him up from school. He can only go home with someone that knows the code word.
Some children have been abducted from malls, by being encouraged to go see a certain toy or dog. You might enlist a neighbor to test him after you are certain he understands. Some TV show tested kids in a park after the moms were sure they would never go off with a stranger. They had a man all upset and calling for his puppy and asking the kids if they had seen the dog. The kids wanted to be helpful and went off with the man to find the puppy. The moms were shocked at how easily they were fooled. So make sure he understands never means never and you can enjoy a friendly child without scaring him.

Hi P.,
It really needs to be on ongoing discussion to have any effect, but truly at this age, it's really about the parents being cautious. As Nan says, those discussions have very little effect at such a young age. Kids don't know what a stranger is. A friend's 4 year old once told me that a stranger is a bad, scary man - but as recent news cases show, a "stranger" can be your Sunday school teacher. Kids are impulsive, not logical. They may think that if someone knows their name, they aren't a stranger or if someone says, "I know your mom, she works at the dentist's office" that they aren't a stranger, and there's really no way at that age for them to think like a more mature person. Oprah did a show on this once, years ago, and it took all of about a minute and a half for a fake "stranger" to lure kids out of a park.
It's hard for kids to understand things that aren't modelled. We adults talk to strangers all the time and the kids see us doing it! How can they understand what we want them to do, if they don't see us doing it?
A lot of martial arts schools have stranger danger instruction in their classes, something to look into.
Good luck!

There's a great video, Stranger Safety, by John Walsh and Julie Clark. Its a fun way to discuss strangers with children

try books and dvds from your library to help you get started. My daughter is 2 and sounds much like your son, I have already been thinking about bringing up the subject.
Good Luck!

this MUST be an ongoing discussion in your family. please dont leave it to a book or video alone, though they are great reinforcement. but it means more coming from you. most of the books and videos they see are make believe, you know? its a different frame of mind for them.
this doesnt have to be done in a scary way, but the sad truth is that our kids do have to be a little scared. you need to tell him that there are bad people out there who steal and hurt kids. tell him that most people are good, most people are kind, but the problem is that you cant tell who the good people and the bad people are by looking at them. and show them what you mean. when you are out for a walk and a stranger is passing by, tell them that you dont know if they are nice or not, so you just stay close to me, thats all. and its fine to smile at them, but stay with me. you can say hi if i say its ok. and then when someone says hi to them say "you can say hi" in a light tone of voice. and let them say hi, and as you walk away, say "see, it was fine to say hi back to them because you are with me."
this goes along with the conversation about nobody touching or looking at their privates and nobody showing them theirs. you need to include 'what do you do if...." and tell them. you say no, you fight, you scream "I DONT KNOW YOU" and you run away. and you tell me... i will never be mad at you and i will always believe you. and if anyone tells you any secret that they say you shouldnt tell me, thats the thing that you need to tell me right away. and sadly, you have to tell them that this means anyone, even if its someone they know and like. it hurts to have to say all this, but it is a scary world out there. there are over 400,000 known sex offenders walking around free out there stalking our children, and those are just the known ones. they are in your neighborhood. go to parentsformeganslaw.com and sign up for the alerts. its very easy. its depressing, but do you really want to stick your head in the sand?? (if you feel like it, write a letter or three to your representatives, or better yet, call them, and ask them what they are doing about this)
...you have to give your kids the tools to be safe. tell them you will never send anyone to pick them up at school without telling them first (except for grandma, or whoever). tell them that if anyone offers you candy, toys, anything and tries to get you to come with them, you yell and run away. you never ever ever ever get in or near someones car that you dont know. if you are lost, you can run to a policeman or someone who works there, a woman if you can, or if you dont see them, run to another mom. tell him that if something feels wrong or scary to you but you arent sure why, then get away and tell me about it. and dont force your kids to kiss and hug people if they really dont want to, they should know its ok to say no. its so hard to reconcile that with plain old being rude to grandma and grandpa when they come over, i know, i struggle with it. you have to find your happy medium. like i said, its all in how you approach it. it doesnt have to be a big sit down every time, and it doesnt have to be all at once. think of it like the same kind of ongoing teaching you do with everything else, it is matter of fact, not scary but serious, just like you never run in the street, you dont touch knives, you dont touch a dog without asking first, etc.... ongoing....

Hi P.,

My son turned 4 three weeks ago and he has the same personality as your son. He is extremely friendly. He'll say hello and give you a hug the first time he meets you. So I'm having the same issue you are. How do you teach them about stranger danger without turning them into a complete introvert. I tell my son that he must not run off or go anywhere without asking mommy, daddy, nana or titi. So far he seems to understand but we must be sure to constantly reinforce this issue. Best of luck.

I read 'The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers' with my 6 & 4 yr olds every once in a while and it creates great opportunities for open discussion with them on the stranger subject. My children have really responded to the lesson in this book and I am able to reference it when we are out in public and my 4 yr daughter is being a little overly friendly with strangers. Neither one of my children are terrified of strangers, but they now know to be cautious.

Hi P.,
It's really important to talk to your kids about "stranger danger", even if you live in the best of neighborhoods. I understand that it's difficult to broach the subject without scaring the children. Also, I know that kids don't always completely understand what you're trying to convey. What I did was buy DVDs about it. There are a whole bunch of them out there and they show self-defense moves as well. I bought mine on Amazon, but I'm sure you can get them at any video store. The visuals really helped my kids understand the danger and importance of not talking to strangers, and it also showed them what to do if someone approaches them. Afterwards it's easier to talk to them about it and follow the video.

Hope this helps
K.

John Walsh's video is great--produced by the Baby Einstein people. It's called The Safe Side, or something like that, and it discusses the issues in a way that is not too scary for kids. My kids LOVE it, and we review it from time to time and talk about it. Every time we go to a park or something, I review the safe side rules.

I have the same concern - both of my daughters are extremely social. One thing I've stopped myself from doing is forcing either of them into a conversation with a stranger (like at the food store when people approach) or hugging a relative they don't really know. Even though my daughters are social, there are times when their gut kicks in, and they shy away for whatever reason. At first it really surprised me and I didn't know why I couldn't anticipate when they'd act that way. But I quickly realized that they were listening to their gut. And I find it essential to let them listen to their instincts. My dad always told us that if we could feel something wasn't quite right, even if it seemed ok, to just leave. We have to retrain ourselves (too often we turn off those instincts in the effort to be polite) and let our children listen to those instincts.

Get John Walsh's video. My kids responded well to it at that age. Show it every so often & every so often when the opportunity arrises discuss what you learn from the video.

Just watch it first yourself so you know what to expect.

EDITED: Link to The Safe Side video http://www.thesafeside.com/?gclid=CMuOhYiSh5oCFQHyDAodlCslGg

I also recommend John Walsh's video. I have four kids ages 9,7,4 and 18 months. It's great because it's fun but also gets the message across. It's called "The Safe Side - Safe Side Superchick in Stranger Safety". The Safe Side Superchick gives kids all of these "hot tips" for being safe. My kids have watched this DVD over and over again because it is so entertaining! And I know they are learning lots because we'll be riding in the car to the zoo and they will say "Mom, here's some hot tips to be safe at the zoo!" and then rattle some off. It's a great starting point for discussions about safety and definitely age appropriate for your almost 4 year old. Good luck!

Our local police department has a coloring book for kids about stranger danger. Check with your department. Its free!

Alittle fear is good, but you don't want to make him to a 180 from his very social personality.

Perhaps just explain to him that not all people as as fun as mommy and daddy, and they may try to take him home to their house where they don't have all the fun toys and do the fun things that mommy and daddy do.

He doesn't have to know all the bad stuff that is out there, but in his mind, knowing that he might not get the fun stuff might make him think about chatting with a stranger.

Someone gave me this advice and it works for us...

I loved reading the book: Protecting The Gift, by Gavin DeBecker. It talks about nurturing the intuition that we ALL have when "a bad guy" is around. Our cultural "social graces" often prevent us from reacting in the way our gut is telling us!

The book gives great ideas for conversations/activities to do with kids to help them make good decisions about interacting with "strangers"

Sorry, don't have time to elaborate this AM... off to work!

Hi P.-
There is a DVD that teaches children about strangers. I believe it was made by John Walsh (the person that hosts America's Most Wanted) I saw it on TV a few months ago, I'm sure you would be able to find it on-line
Hope this helps

I am glad you brought this up, I had been wondering the same thing. My son was 4 in January and is very outgoing. We own a gymnastics school where he is not monitored all the time. He is usually upstairs playing with siblings during their class. I know he would never walk out of the building on his own, but get nervous about another adult getting in to the building and taking him. I have had several discussions about "not nice" people doing "bad things" to children. And the posssiblity of someone "taking" him if he runs off at the store. Reading your posts I see now that I have to do it on a more consistent basis and step up my talks a bit now.