I was at Arrowhead Mall today and had a very unsettling experience. I had my 2 yr old in a single stroller. My 3 yr old basically refuses to hold my hand or onto the side of the stroller so I had him walking next to me, about half a pace behind me but well within arms reach and visible at all times. He suddenly tripped and landed on his knees. He wasn't hurt and didn't cry or anything so he got up and we started walking again. A man pushing a stroller with a baby and a toddler in it came up next to us and started asking my son if he was okay. That was fine but this guy persisted and was commenting that my son was obviously having trouble keeping up and that he could just stand on the platform on HIS stroller. I didn't want to be completely rude but I firmly said "no, he likes to walk" and kept on my path. I thought it would end there, but this man looked at my son and said "hey, little guy why don't you just ride up here?" and he motioned as if he intended to direct my son toward his stroller by pushing his back!!! Before he was able to actually touch my son, I grabbed my son's hand, pulled him right up next to me, and said "we are just fine!" I stood there with my 3 yr old next to me and the stroller with my 2 yr old as close as I could get and this guy finally walked away. I was appalled to say the least. My husband thinks I should have reported this man to security and I probably should have, but the incident occurred just as we were nearing the exit and all I wanted to do was leave.
My little boy seemed completely willing to just walk away with this man so I have to ask-- how do you teach a 3 yr old (who like most kids this age has a short attention span) about stranger danger? He has suddenly gotten very friendly in public and every time I see him waving at or saying hi to a stranger, I get down to his eye level and ask if he knows that person or if he can tell me their name. When he says no, I tell him that if you don't know somebody's name or who they are, then they are a stranger and we don't talk to strangers. It's as simple as I can think to make the concept without making it frightening for him. I need suggestions and help on this one because I am very concerned and I don't know how to teach stranger safety to a child this young.
I love this video and so do my kids. excellent learning tool and not scarey but gets the point across clearly.
www.thesafeside.com dvd called stranger safety.
worth buying and sharing it with friends.
Maybe you should have him watch some little kids show about safety. I know that Seemore's Playhouse talks about safety and it's for little kids his age.
Hi, V. -
Sounds like you handled a very strange situation just perfectly. I'm not certain I would have reported the incident either because the likelihood is that this was just a guy who was clueless about the fact that his overtures were inappropriate. I remember a situation many years ago where an older gentlemen was telling my sister's young daughter how pretty she was and trying to giver her a quarter. She wasn't in any danger because my sister was standing right there, but she had to tell the man nicely that it wasn't appropriate for him to do that, and that she couldn't allow her daughter to accept. In that situation, too, he was probably just attempting to do something nice and just didn't know that sort of overture toward a child isn't OK. Anyhow, as far as stranger danger, I tell my daughter she can speak to other adults only if she's with me, and at no other time. I don't want the boundaries to be blurry, but she seems to clearly understand the difference, and we talk about different scenarios frequently. "What if an adult asked you to get in their car?" "What if an adult asked you to find their lost dog?".
It's a tough situation. You have to be cautious and ever-vigilent, but you don't want your kids frightened all the time.
Take care.
I think I'd still report it and give a description of the guy to the mall security... sounds weird to me and may prevent something weirder.
As far as teaching your son without scaring him, I think what you're doing is adequate. It's tricky. As an elementary school counselor, part of my job is to teach "stranger danger". Even with older kids it's a fine line between teaching safety and creating an unwanted fear-based mentality. There are some good books at all different developmental levels, I'd ask for help with finding one most appropriate. I think, until your son's a little older, I'd get a haltar and a leash so he has his freedom and it's a little easier to keep up with him.
Wow that is a very creepy story. I would have done the same thing and got the heck out of there.
When teaching our son about strangers, we tried not to say "you can't talk to strangers." because we, as adults, talk to strangers everyday and it is contradictory. So we tried to stress that you don't leave a location without me or dad. Every time we go to a park or a large public place like a mall, we remind him of the rules. He is now five and can recite these rules.
Unfortunately, you have to tell a child something 50 times before they learn it. Be consistant. When a situation like what you experienced at the mall comes up, get down on his level, tell him what happened and remind him of the rules you have established, give him a big hug and move on. When he is old enough to understand the gravity of the situation, he will already have the tools to know what to do.
What a weirdo!!! Why was he trying to take your son right in front of you---the nerve! I would have immediately reported him to security. Who knows where those came from that he had! Yikes!
I would go to the book store or even better, look on line for stranger danger books. There are a ton, buy them and read them to him.
Also, my pediatrician said to get movies about stranger danger and show them to my kids. The John Walsh one I heard is good.
Talk to him. Let you son know to NEVER go with anyone unless Mommy (and Daddy) says it's okay.
I talk to my 3 and 4 year olds about strangers probably every other day and when ever it applies.
Sorry that happened; how scary and uncomfortable.
Best of luck.
It's scary now, little boys are the ones you have to watch, it used to be little girls who were likely to fall prey to scary men. I now think of my girls as being relatively safe, they certainly don't have to worry about tapping their toes improperly in the last stall of the bathroom.
I used a similar line with my girls about knowing somebody's name but some these people volunteer their names so that didn't work for me either. I finally told them that there are people who would like to take them home with them to their house and not bring them home. I think they were a little older then but that freaked them out enough to make them understand it's best not to talk to strangers. If I don't know where they live, they're strangers.
My husband complains that he is constantly in some wierd predicament where some strange little boy comes over to him and asks for help with his pants or some other bizarre thing and he's terrified of touching anybody else's kid and being accused of doing something innappropriate. He takes the approach of talking them through it or telling them to find their parents. He says it would be better if the kid peed his pants rather than ask some creep next time. Anyway, it's very odd to have somebody offer that kind of 'help'. If he wasn't a creep he might have thought about how creepy that was, maybe he did later. I am constantly reminding men who approach me in a parking lot at night (even men I know if I'm not expecting them) that you don't approach strange women alone ... unless you're interested in being punched, maced, stun gunned or shot. I'm rather mean though, I once gave a look so dirty that I got an appology from a would be pickpocket - he thought it would be a good idea to reach into my purse since I was preoccupied with my 3 year old. It wasn't.
I would like to second the recommendation of Gavin De Becker's book "Protecting the Gift". He also has a book called "The Gift". I have a new understanding of people now and am fully aware of when I am being manipulated and lied to! These books will teach you how to empower your kids, not make them fearful or paranoid. You will learn to listen to those gut feelings, because more often than not, they are right. I used to be fearful of someone taking or hurting my kids, but now I am aware of everyone around me, and careful not to enter into situations that could end poorly.
I think you did the right thing by taking your son and leaving. Really, in thinking about it there isn't anything a security guard will be able to do. Could you accurately describe the guy? If you couldn't be 100% sure what he was wearing or what he looked like, they wouldn't even be able to watch for suspicious behavior. After reading these books, you will feel more in control and less like a potential victim.
I think that you were atleast brave enough to say something to the man. In my opinion I would have gone to the neaerest vendor and asked them to call security, atlaest this may scare the man away from making the same mistake again. Don't be afaid of looking over protective. Noone has the right speak to your child without your consent. And never forget to be aware of your surroundings when driving away. I have been followed home before, once even chased from my home. Don't ever worry about looking overprotective, it' a scary world out there! I am 31 and have been a single mother for over 10 years.
I searched my local library's online catalog with the words "Stranger Danger" and put both children's books they had regarding the subject on hold. I read both books to my children and they seemed to do a good job of teaching children what to do without scaring them or being too intense. The books emphasized that most people are nice, good people, but if you don't know them then it's better to be safe and you need to keep your distance. My son had a lot of questions when we read the books.
I'm in the middle of a book about this topic: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) by Gavin de Becker. He is America's leading expert on predicting violent behavior, advisor to the CIA and Supreme Court on these issues. He knows Stranger Danger inside and out, debunking myths (i.e. It is actually counterproductive to teach children not to talk to strangers, also to tell them to find a police officer if lost. AND he actually tells us what to say and do instead that IS effective)
In his book, he also gives reference to Yello Dyno at yellodyno.com which is geared toward young children.
If you are at all concerned about your children's safety, this is a must read.
I haven't seen the videos yet, but I know there's a video series called "The Safe Side". The videos were produced by the creator of Baby Einstein and John Walsh (host of America's Most Wanted). It's supposed to be videos that teach about stranger danger without ever being scary. I plan to get these for my kids or at least check the local library to see if they have the videos. I figure I'll screen them first to be sure, but having taught elementary school, these videos top the list that I plan to look at due to the credentials of the creators.
V.,
Sorry to respond to late! My two year old son doesn't like to walk next to me either and when I don't have him in a stroller it makes me very nervous. I also can't make him understand "stranger danger." He just loves EVERYONE. I ended up putting him in one of those kiddie "leashes" (which I originally swore I would never do). It gives me so much more peace of mind to know that no one can snatch him when I'm not looking and also that he can't runaway after some bright shiny object.
Good for you for keeping your kid safe. There are too many weirdos out there!
Some one mentioned this, but it's hard for kids who see us talk to strangers and not want to talk to them. At his age, the best thing you can do is what you're already doing. Keeping him close and keeping your eye on him. Also teach him that he always has to ask for your permission to do/go/see anything.
I would be weary of your advice about names. Many kids will tell strangers what the "rules" are. And the simple response from a predator will be: "well, my name is Fred. so now that you know my name it's OK to come with me." So if your rule is more about having to ask mommy or daddy, it makes it a little harder.
And not to freak everyone out, but the bigger dangers are actually people your kids know. Most abductions and assaults are not strangers but are actually family, friends and people your kids have interacted with.
How scary! Good thing you were so vigilent and used your instincts to stay away from danger. My kids LOVE the video put together by John Walsh (America's Most Wanted) and the inventor of Baby Einsteins series, www.thesafeside.com. It is AWESOME and the kids really do get it!
Recently we were in getting hair cuts for the kids and someone tried to talk to my 5 year old in the waiting area. He immediately came running to me and did not talk to them. He used to talk to anyone and everyone who would listen to him, LOL!
At 3 years old, he may not always make the right decision (that's why we have to be so vigilent), but this video will really send him in the right direction!
V.,
I was brought up traveling around the world back in the day that things didn't seem as dangerous as now. My parents were always concerned when we ran off and around. I used the same information they told us at young ages. "If the person has not come to dinner in our house with us they are strangers." "Some strangers look nice but will hurt you." Plain and simple and even a 2 year old will get that. When they ask how will they hurt you you tell them that the hurt would be worse than the worse booboo you have ever had.
Good luck. Fear will keep them safe.
You really can't teach a 3-year old about stranger danger. You just have to be viligent about keeping him near you at all times and never let him walk behind you. If you need to, get a stroller that has the platform in the back so he can stand on yours while you push your 2-year old around. I think it would be worth the investment. Good luck.
My aunt had someone approach her in a parking lot one time and she finally turned and looked him right in the eye and said, "there is a concealed weapons law in this state" and didn't move until he turned around. Of course she didn't have a gun on her, but it was enough for him to walk away.
