Strange Situation with Sister in Law....

I wouldn't worry too much about it. You already know she's touchy and it sounds like she's raising her children that way as well. I have someone similar to that that I deal with and I just flat out tell her that certain things are just without negotiation. Don't get into arguments about parenting because noone ever wins those. :(

For your SIL as well, just steer clear as much as you can until she has calmed down. Then try getting her one on one to find out if there's something going on that is getting her so upset. You might even try opening with concern over her child. Maybe that child has been sick or recently been picked on and she's just overly concerned? See if you can get back to agree-to-disagree and just stay calm for everyone's sake.

You have EVERY right to insist on safety! What would have happened if the police pulled you over and saw that you had an improperly restrained kid? Or, God forbid, you had an accident and that child was severely injured or killed while the rest walked away? Based on what you have said, I think you did the right thing.

For the future, even though you have a van it certainly isn't a license (or requirement) to become the kiddie chauffeur. I'm sure you didn't mind the extra company, but it may be time for a polite "I'm so happy you would like to ride with us, but we have some important van rules to keep everyone safe. If you aren't sure you can follow these rules, please ride with your mom/your dad/your sister/someone else." Ahead of time, work with your kids to figure out the major rules you have and STICK TO THEM.

Good luck!

i JUST had a very similar situation... my son's 5 year old friend and her mother were riding with me. the friend didn't bring her car seat (didn't sit well with me) but then she put the shoulder belt behind her because it wasn't comfortable. my 4 year old called her on it saying "that's not safe! you have to wear it correctly for it to protect you!" but mom chimes in with "oh but she doesn't like it, don't worry about it, she's fine." and i had a problem with her response because she's teaching MY son that everything i taught him about safety in the car is negotiable. so, in an effort to preserve my teachings, i just said to my son "well, you're not allowed to ever wear your seatbelt like that because i need you to be safe. i guess it isn't important to your friend to be safe" long story short, it was an awkward ride home and we haven't seen them since. i guess you can expect some animosity once you make another parent feel like they aren't doing a sufficient job of caring for their children. but i agree with you that safety is priority. you can tell your sis in law that you would hate to feel responsible for her child getting hurt if you were in an accident, and didn't intend to imply that she was unfit. just explain that it's a rule you won't bend on in your car and hopefully she'll understand. good luck!

I too have had problems getting along with my sister in law (my husband's sister). It seemed like I couldn't breathe correctly around her. It finally got to the point about a month ago when her and I sat down and talked and she told me why she was mad at me. Turns out she was mad about things my mom and sister had done to her, and she was mad about things that she heard I did but had never done. She was also mad at my husband, but was taking it out on me.

With that being said, try to convince your sister in law to go out to lunch with you. Have your husbands watch the kids or offer to get a babysitter for all of the kids and you pay. You both need to sit down and calmly talk things out. You don't want to do this at home with the kids because it is too easy to get into a heated discussion, and if you keep it public you will not want to cause a scene. Perhaps there is something that is bothering her about you, and hopefully you can set the record straight. It won't make things perfect, but it will be a step in the right direction. Also, suggest to her that the two of you need to try to get along for the sake of your husbands: it isn't fun for siblings when the spouses don't get along.

As for the vacation, I strongly advise you to not do this! I have taken 2 vacations with my mother in law and my sister in law, and both times it got ugly. It can be fun to go on vacation with family, but not if you aren't getting along. If the two of you can't resolve anything before you go, it will be a very tense situation. And, if you do go, try to be very hands off with her kids. Apparently she is very protective of them and anything you say to her kids will make her mad.

Good luck with all of this! It is a tough situation to be in, I know. But try to be the one in all of this to make it right. If it can't be fixed, at least you gave it the effort and the two of you can agree to disagree, but be nice to one another for the happiness of the rest of the family.

M.,
You have a real nut on your hands. I love your line "they have to be alive to have self esteem" I laughed out loud. You couldn't be more correct. I am really not sure what riding in a car seat has to do with self esteem. It sounds like he was just upset that he wasn't getting his way, and coddleing him does nothing but make a monster.
As for your vacation with them, I hate to say this but I wonder why they are asking your family to join them? Can they not afford it if they go by themselves or do they not have any other friends to ask? It just seems strange given your past relationship that they would ask you and your family.
Given what just happened I would carefully reconsider the vacation together. I would hate to be in that kind of situation miles away from home and days before you would be able to get home. Not to mention your sister in laws lack of concern for safety what kind of situations might she want to put your children in.
Best of luck,
J.

Let me start by saying I think you were total right about the car seat. But I think it is important for you and your SIL to figure out HOW to get along, for the rest of your family’s sake. I have a 5 year old with sever self esteem problems, and knowing what I go though with him, I am not sure I would not do the same thing if he had an “issue” with car seats. (Luckily he does not). The important thing is for you not to judge her. Send an e-mail apologizing, that you never meant to insinuate that, that you know she loves her kids more than anything and that you just didn’t know the car seat situation was going to turn out the way it did. It sounds like she made the initial attempt to reach out to you, but you are both still very much on the defensive from past events. Looks like it is your turn reach out and show her you also want it to work. In the future, just suggest the boys ride with her and the girls with you, at least until her 6 year old grows ½ a foot.

PS – my nanny is an armature photographer, and I think very good. I am trying to convince her to get some schooling in it. Where did you go to school, or how did you get into that industry.

Sounds oh so familiar! My sister in law tells us the gifts we buy her kids "aren't anything they would like" do not even get a thank you. Sis in law is youngest of family and spoiled rotten although she is 38 years old now. Her mom jumps any time her children need babysat. The two times I asked my inlays to babysat I was declined. Sis in law told her brother (my husband) he had anger management issues growing up. The example she cited was that he held her down and put grass in her mouth. She told him and her parents she didnt have the best childhood. She smoked pot when teenager and in my opinion is out of touch with reality, too sheltered, and vindictive. It feels like she's insecure that her brother is married. I told my husband I would step back if he wants a relationship with his sister and I am in the way. I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters so know how important family is.

M., Its the same thing over again.....everything the other person says is taken the wrong way. That part has not changed, no matter if it's E-mail or talking. You two don't see eye to eye. Be very careful about this trip to Florida, it sounds to me like maybe they want your money not your company. The small riffs about the kids will ruin everything. What does your husband say. Does he get along with his sister? I think your in for a trip with BAD memories. In order to have a good time, you'll have to back off on everything. Think long and hard about this trip. K. L

M.,

First of all, don't go on the vacation with them! That's good that you can get along at family gatherings, but don't push your luck. There is probably something deeper going on here. is there any reason why your sister in law would not have wanted you to marry her husband's brother? It could have been something derogatory that your husband's brother/her husband said once in passing or maybe she wanted your husband to marry a friend of hers. You just never know. She might be jealous or resentful. Perhaps she heard that you said something derogatory about her, her kids, etc, even if you never really said it or it was misconstrued. It seems like she is on the defensive and you can't win.

Forget about trying to figure out this self esteem issue.(That self esteem thing she said doesn't make sense!) That's just a cover up for something else going on. Being civil and cordial at family gatherings doesn't mean you have to be friends and in each other's pocket. Spending so much time in close proximity vacationing together can bring out the worst in people. Don't do it.

As for your kids getting along, well, kids usually get along with other kids, and there are lots of other kids they can have for friends. Don't feel guilty over it. It's better to have a good but aloof relationship than a close one filled with animosity and hostility!

(Something seems fishy about her asking you to this vacation after you have had so much history behind your relationship.)

I'm curious to see what advice others give you!

Good luck! Just be polite and "get along" but don't try to force a deep friendship.

This has absolutely nothing to do with a car seat or any kid's self esteem. She has a deeper issue either with you, your husband or her past that needs to come to light for your relationship to go in a positive direction. Some of my best friendships came from very ugly beginnings. One friend moved into my neighborhood when I was a teen and right from the start we hated each other and screamed at each other and so on. After about 2 years of this nonsense, one of my other friends became friends with them and somehow coaxed us to get along. We became the best of friends and more than 20 years later, we still are! It happened again about 7 years ago, when I first moved here, there was a lady at the church I joined that really got on my last nerve, but we were cordial to each other. I got into a situation where I needed a place to stay and she took me in... I accepted out of desperation. It wasn't so good at first; there was a very clear wall between us and testiness in our words, but after about 4 months, we had a heart to heart and I found out that I got on her nerves too. We are very close now and laugh about how it used to be between us.

I suggest you meet with her and have a heart to heart. Ask her as nicely as you can what she thinks the problem is why the two of you aren't getting along. BE PREPARED to be insulted or hurt!!! She might have some negative things to say about something you do or don't do that bothers her. Don't get angry....take an honest look at yourself and figure out if there is any truth to what she is saying and thank her for her honesty. If you are the bigger person and take a little of the heat/responsibility now, you will earn her trust later and hopefully she will open up to you. Sounds like she has some stress issues, etc, but NO ONE is perfect so there is probably room for change/growth on both sides of this relationship.

And by the way, I suggest you never try to resolve relationship issues or any negative situation or argument via email. If the other person has already decided they don't like you or that they are mad at you, they will automatically be on the defense and will take everything the wrong way!! If you take away the emotion that is expressed in actual conversation, you've opened up the door for any kind of interpretation.

Also, way to go on sticking to your guns regarding the car seat.... we are very firm in our choices for raising our kids and protecting them also, no matter what anyone says.

Hi M.,

Bottom line, you were right to insist on the booster seat in your car. But consider that your SIL's van may have a belt that doesn't cut her son off at the neck? I don't know exactly how you worded your message but you should have just said that you didn't think her son would have been safe in YOUR car but left her car out of it and I hope you didn't imply that her son had "a fit" or that she "coddled" him in your message to her. Maybe she was trying to calm him down as fast as possible so it didn't ruin everyone's night. I guess it depends on what you want for the kids. You say they get along great and it would be a shame for them to not be able to grow up together because their parents don't get along. I think vacation together would be great for them but you definitely need to get this situation cleared up. Have a heart to heart and get it all out in the open. If you are still talking after that, go on vacation.