Dear S.,
I'm a Speech Pathologist and Orofacial Myologist. I have had some experience helping moms and dads with feeding. First, I want to applaud you in your efforts. Please don't give up, hard as it may be-- drinking via a straw or the proper sippy cup (this is very important), will encourage full strength, range of motion, control, and coordination of her muscles. If the muscles don't develop properly early on, children will have a higher propensity towards speech delays, and mouth breathing. O.k., so first things first--- since the bottle is like nursing to your baby, you have already discovered that this is a stressful process for the both of you. Therefore, be persistent, but take your time and go gradually. The best time to stop the bottle is as soon as your baby starts to sit up. It's important to keep the bottle out of her sight-- which is instant crying if she sees it. This may take up to a couple of weeks before she realizes that she is not going to get the bottle anymore. One day, she'll be too hungry and agree to be fed. Once she starts to take food normally-- she will forget about the bottle in a few days. Once you start feeding her, to make the meals interesting. Hand her the cup and "challenge" her to drink without spilling... hopefully she's up for challenge and encouragement when she does. In case she finds eating for nutrition difficult without the bottle-- assist her as calmly as possible-- and you may have temporarily switch back to the bottle. But try another feeding activity in a few days again in a different way.
I'm not sure if I answered your question, but I hope it's a good launching point. Please feel free to call me if you need more personalized assistance. Good Luck. xoxo