Stepmother.. Needing Advice on 11 Year Old Trying to Be Sexually Active

You did not say whether your stepchildren live with you full time or how long you have been married. I have advice for you which you may or may not like. I have been a stepmother for several years. The first thing in your letter that strikes me is that you say that you made the appointment for family counseling (which means that the girl's mom and your husband did not and may not see this as that big of a problem or maybe trying to ignore the situation in the hope that it will resolve itself.) You are correct in saying that the girls mom will likely cancel out all the good efforts you make with this in your home. This is just something that you have to anticipate will happen in your situation, that way it will not frustrate you as much if it does happen. This girl is crying out for help. Whatever you do, don't go into family counseling and focus on the 11 year old as the only problem. I suspect that there are other problems in the family which you may or may not realize are there. You should approach the family counseling as this is something we are doing to improve all of our relationships and communication with each other. I believe all of this acting out behavior with boys may be due to a need for your daughter to have what she considers as positive interaction with a male. If you have six children, it could be that she needs more one on one attention with your husband and that all this acting out is because of that. Allow and encourage her and your husband to do things one on one with each other several times per week. Let her have a chance to open up to him without you. Even though you believe her mom has a strange way of dealing with this, always encourage her to remain close to her mom, unless doing so would pose a danger to her. Never bad mouth the bio mom to her or other people, that will only ruin your relationship. Your role as a stepmom is to support your husband's decisions and not be actively involved in discipline, etc. (Not be first to discipline the stepkids...that won't work and they will only resent you for it.) Just try your best to be a supportive adult and role model of positive behavior for all your children, especially your stepchildren. Let them know that they can always come to you with any concerns. Good luck and best wishes in this situation. Your husband, the bio mom and you need to start talking with this girl about consequences of sex. It may not be a bad idea to take her for a physical and get the dr. to talk with her also about her changing body, consequences of sex, etc.

Hi C.,
My kids are younger than yours, and they are boys, but I hope that my thoughts on this topic will be helpful for you nonetheless.
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on having such a strong, trustful, and open relationship with your step daughter. It sounds like she feels comfortable discussing things with you and your husband that many kids would not even consider talking about with their parents or step parents. So obviously, you and your husband have taken great effort to establish a healthy and open relationship with her, which is fantastic!
I am sure that you want to keep it that way, so I hope that you'll be able to find a way to become more comfortable with the idea that she is a young woman and is starting to have sexual feelings. Perhaps you should talk with her pediatrician if you are worried about her age. I am not sure what your concern is with her masturbating. I think I was in seventh grade when I first did it (so I was probably 12). I remember having sexual thoughts as early as sixth grade (I was an 'early bloomer' and looked older than I was. I still opted to wait to have intercourse until I was 17 though, just to put your mind at ease) And no, i wasn't sexually abused, nor was I ignored by my father as a child - he was great and he was a very involved dad and spent lots of time with both my brother and me one-on-one.
Considering that I was 12 in the early 80's...that was a LOOOONG time ago, and times have certainly changed; kids are growing up much younger and are exposed to things much earlier. That said, as a mother, I would honestly be RELIEVED if my child felt comfortable enough to address their sexual urges (which are INEVITABLE, healthy, and normal) by masturbating rather than going out and having sex. Just because your daughter was thinking about having sex, and may have even gone so far as to bring a condom with her, does NOT mean that she would have done it when given the actual opportunity. I am speaking for personal experience here. I think you were right on target by bringing it up with her and I hope you realize how amazing and fortunate it is that she was open to discussing it with you and your husband with such candor. I don't know your step daughter, but it sounds like you are on the right track here.
As far as the toy goes, well, nothing against toys, but I would probably wait on that if she were my daughter. So I agree with you on that. Hands are fine but most toys resemble penises and it might start to push her towards penile-focused fantasies as opposed to focusing on pleasing herself manually and learning about her body that way. I am not an expert in this area though ;-) But that's something that her mother and your husband will have to figure out for her, I would think. I would definitely let your husband's ex know about your concerns though, because they are very valid (the issue you raised about your stepdaughter's influence on your daughter).
She seems a little young for all of this to be happening to her, but you can't delay puberty; if it's happening, and the hormones are surging, then the die has been cast. The best thing you can do is to help her deal with her feelings, and make SURE you don't try to suppress them, even if they scare you. Suppressing her at this stage will be far more damaging in the long run, then having premature sex. I truly believe that.
I hope this helps. I wish you and your family the best of luck, and continued open communication. -Suzi

I'm also horrified, and yet with the tv and access to the computer kids know a bunch more that what we did. I can only make suggestions, I have not had experience with this.
no toys-she uses her hands already, I would say it's innapropriate!
Have dad take her on an elaborate date. Hold open the door, a fine restaurant, teach her that any boy who does less is not worthy of her time...or her body. That will also reinforce a positive relationship.
Any thoughts on not getting quality time with dad and having other boys make up for it????
Keep computers in public spaces in the home to track what's being viewed.
Hope these help-good luck.

Her mom needs to get some counseling! It is normal for a kid to be curious and some more then others, but yah find out if something happend to her that is wanted her to have sex at a early age.

Give her the facts & consequenses of being sexually active. Yes ALL the groosome details. Do your research, share the info., show pictures of STD'S, etc. Pregnancy... She is a child making adult decisions, and unfortuately a mother who wants to provide her with sex toys is wrong, although out of your control, as she is her mother. Also find out who she is having sex with. Is he an adult? A child? If an adult charges can be pressed. If a child, go to his parents.

Also, I wonder why she is being let out of the house to have sex? She is just a child who needs supervision.

Maybe have your husband talk to his ex & tell her that if the girl ends up pregnant social services can get involved & she might lose her girl. This might wake mom up to the seriousness of this.

You are a good woman to care enough to seek out advice. If I can think of anything more, I'll share.

Good luck.