Stepmother Issues - Elk Grove,CA

YOU can't do anything - your HUSBAND however can. He needs to tell her that any and all communication will be with him and him alone. He also needs to explain to her - and not give an option - that you will and are in their lives and she needs to just get used to it and grow up.

And, (I'm a step-mom too, so I know of which I speak!) my earlier statement of you can't do anything was a little wrong. DO NOT acknowledge her letters or anything else. DO be there for the kids and be a mom (as much as you can) with them just as you are for your daughter. Make no difference between them. DO NOT disparage their mom in front of them or anywhere you may have any chance of being overheard.

Trust me, they will remember who did and said what as they grow up and they will love you for who you are and for loving them - also for NOT attacking their mom and making them feel like they have to choose. It sounds like she is probably doing a lot to make you look and sound bad to them - but, I promise, they will see the truth of the situation themselves as they grow up. Take the high road even when it's unbelieveably difficult!

Being a step-parent is absolutely the hardest thing you will ever be - especially when you love them and have a difficult ex to deal with.

Stay strong. It will pay off in the long run.

Good luck and God Bless-
C.

Consider a new wife taking care of your daughter, how would you feel if you only had 50% custody? You may think it could “never” happen to you, but it could and I can assure you that it wouldn’t feel good.

I suggest that you let your husband handle ALL communication with his former wife. If she sends you a letter, don’t open it, hand it over to your husband or shred it. I would ask your husband to let his former wife KNOW not to call your house when you have the boy unless it is a family emergency.

Better yet he should have the attorney write a letter to that effect and say you will charge her with harassment if she doesn’t stop. If the boys want to talk to their mother on the phone, as long as it isn’t excessive, that should be O.K.

Letting her get to you to the point that it comes between you and your husband is probably just what she is trying to achieve. If you want to be in control, when/if she calls just say “hold on” and hand the phone over to your husband. If he’s not home, just say “I’ll tell him you call.” Don’t be rude, just to the point….don’t allow her to start up, if she does, just hang up the phone.

Hopefully the children aren’t caught up in the middle of such hateful and sad situation.

Blessings…..

Wow she really does not like you! She is doing this to annoy you of course. There is one way to distance yourself from her phone calls while the boys are at your home is get them a cell phone (family plan) so that she may call them and not bother you. As far as her calling her ex.....probably not much you can do because they do share two children. You have a lot of years ahead of you with her acting out like this. Your stepsons are young, maybe as time goes by she wont be so bitter towards you. One idea is to have your husband and the ex set on day aside to have a meeting on line such as in a email. On Mondays an email can be sent with the plans for the week and all the questions that she may have she can ask on that day. With him responding that evening. If She has an emergency with the boys then by all means call immediately. One thing she needs to understand is that you are in the live of these two boys and you are helping raise them. Once she gets over the fact that your not going anywhere and your here to stay she hopefully will stop. Good Luck!

I don'y have any advice but my situation is so similar to yours it's scary! the only thing i don;t deal with is the letters and my boyfirend's daughter is still with the mothers AND he helps her with her 2 other children that aren't his! So I'm going to mooch off yours answers to try and get some insight. and you are are absolutely in my prayers!

My only suggestion is to keep a log of all the phone calls and keep any letters she writes you, in case ya'll go back to court. Maybe start ignoring her calls, then check her msg to see if it's something you actually need to return her call back then. I'm sorry, that's just such an uncomfortable situitation for you and your husband.

it's hard for a mother to "let go" of their children

imagine if your daughter had to go spend time with another woman more than 50% of the time

it's a tough situation for everyone.....the only thing I could suggest is to try your best to always be neutral....if you are real bold you can ask her to lunch and ask her how you can work together.....best wishes