Stepmother-ing

Is there any way you can ALL get family counseling, at least you/hubby and kids? I realize she's a handful, but she's a kid. Honestly, what her mother said - basically blaming the child for her chosing not to be around is a honking huge pile of BS and just cruel to do to her own child. No wonder the kid's a mess. If you and hubby can unite in the desire to build a family, get professional help in dealing with blended families, I'd do that. Her mother has royally f'd her up and she needs a lot of help to get through her teens.

No wonder that this young girl has abandonment issues, her mother has abandoned her! She needs you. Please don't give up on her. She needs you and her dad to take charge and help her through this abandonment and to build a healthy family life in your home.

I have been a stepparent for 26 years (kids were 1 and 4). My stepson was abandoned on his 14th birthday by his mother. His stepfather dropped him at the sidewalk with one bag outside the airport and he came to live with us. We were in family counseling for a year (26 counselor visits) to help him deal with this. It worked. After a year of his mother choosing not to speakto him - not once - we worked through his feelings of anger, frustration, hurt (he was abused by his SF and mother) and all the rest. We then got to enjoy his teenage years.

All the pain and struggle was worth it. He is now a wonderful husband and father to three young children. He has a distant relationship with his mother now and a close one with me.

You may not have peace in your home for awhile. You'll have to find moments of peace in your heart, knowing that a young person relies on you (but may never admit it or thank you for it) and that you are doing what you can for her and for your family. Find a counselor that you feel comfortable with, who can help you and your husband not get lost in this, who can give you concrete actions and parenting advice, who can relate to a young tween going through a lot.

My family life was not peaceful often, but I would do it again for both my stepchildren and the joy they have brought me along the way. I now get to be "Grandma S." to their three, soon to be four, beautiful children.

I think most of parenting is stumbling on the right thing. The problem is there is a five to ten year feedback loop. :(

Thing is what it sounds like is she is pushing you away to make sure you don't actually go away. My older daughter did this a lot when she was a teen. It was a I will give you my worst and you must set boundaries but in a way that I know no matter what I dish you will always be there. Her father is a bit of a tool, he has no problem withholding love as a punishment so I became the stable one.

Your daughter is hitting a point where she is going to, by the nature of the beast, be unstable. She desperately needs you to be stable. I just glanced at the inappropriate texting question. You need to ask her is this the person she wants to be. Make her own her choices. Make her understand that she controls the person she will end up being and you will always be there to help guide her.

It is very important that she understand that you hate her choices and love her.

I have had a similar issue.
I came into the picture when she was about 3 1/2.
Her mom had left the marriage to be w/someone else & didn't take her
dtr on most of her appointed days.
It's been 9 years.
Things were really good UNTIL her dad & I had a baby.
Here's what I have learned:
It is HIS job to parent her & teach her.
I was left with this job then they turned on me once it no longer became
convenient & I had a brand new infant to take care of.
Everyone involved made mistakes including me.
Looking back, knowing what I know now & having finally been given some
sound advice:
-Dad needs to parent her. Not you.
-All you can do is provide consistency for your own kids.
-You need to take a back seat to her.
-Be kind & loving towards her but you can be firm in regards to what she does to your children.
-She will continue to disrespect you because the people that need to teach her (her mom & dad) are not teaching her. This exact thing happened to me. While it is maddening, there is nothing you can do about it.
-You have to let her bio parents do what they will. You have NO control over this. I know it's hard but you will only create discord in your marriage & problems for yourself.
-Do for you kids as you would if you were on your own. Protect them, parent them as you would, teach them, guide them. Unfortunately, she is not your responsibility. Everyone will tell you that it is but until they have been in this same position like I have they will never know how it truly works.
-While your hands are tied, you can at least have the tranquility you and your kids deserve. Don't create more problems for yourself & your little ones. Let HIM deal with her.
-Be kind, be pleasant. Her mom has created some major issues for her that she will have to deal with later in life. It is sad but it is the same way in my house. In my situation, she helped cause such discord that he made me leave the house. We separated & I only had my child 1/2 the time. It was awful. We have since reconciled & things are the way they should have been: husband has finally stepped up to the plate to parent his child instead of leaving it up me. A job that should have never been given to me. It was greatly unappreciated & totally blew up in my face.
Knowing what I know now......it is not my job to parent her. It is his job!
-You can alway tell him what the issues are but if he does not choose to address them you are either stuck or can choose to leave. In your situation, you do not have a child together. Hopefully she treats your children okay.
-One thing to realize is that she is a child & she has been abandoned by her mother. She is going through a trying time due to her age, hormones & that her dad has remarried. It is a difficult combo.
Our home has leveled out & is more harmonious now. Her mom tries to undermine our marriage but if you take a step back you will find that things can get better.
-Like you said, you did not create her issues but you have to deal with them now. As unfair as that it, that is the way it works in this type of situation.
-Priority #1: take care of your kids and yourself!
-When she pushes your buttons, don't push back.
-We as the adults have to take the high road & FIND ways to postively deal with the situation in hand.
-I am here to tell you: it can get better!
-Come from a place of calm and love then things can get better.
Give it some time.
Her hateful attitude comes from a number of places: age, hormones, her mom, lack of direction from her dad etc. So while she is not absolved of all guilt, it will be your job to find the way to create peace & harmony in the home.
Again............it can be done.
Hang in there and feel free to PM if you would like to. Best wishes honey.

My first question would be how my son was handling this situation. If it was affecting him negatively on a consistent basis then I would be out of there (and this is under this is under the assumption that your husband is not his dad).

Yes, it would be great if someone could help her. But your own child has to come first, especially when you have so little help from your husband (her dad). You can't control his response to the situation but you can control yours.

That's just how I see it, and I realize this is probably not the most popular answer.

PS: I truly admire Sue W.

Children should come first (both children). A child who has been abandoned by her mother will have serious issues and should be in counseling, the family trying to help her should be in counseling as well. If it is affecting your son he should be in counseling. Sorry that this has made your life hard, but we as adults should keep our sympathies with the CHILD, who has been hurt badly in life. We parents often suffer when our children (bio, step and adopted) have issues in life and we can not always keep the issues from arising. What if your son suddenly did a complete turn around and turned into a juvenile delinquent at age 16 or 17, maybe dealing with issues of his own bio dad. (I went into marriage with a six yr old son. My son was an easy, happy go lucky, seemingly well adjusted child until age 16 so you never know) Would this be all about you and the stress on you, and how difficult it is for you? Would it cause stress for your husband, the step father of course! How would you expect your husband to react? You are this child's mother, have been for many years.

Counseling.

I am sorry, but shame on you both for knowing that "she has issues" and not getting her help to deal with them sooner.

Counseling

For her

and for you all (you, husband, son and daughter) as a family

She is entering her teen years soon - wouldn't it be lovely if she could walk into them with confidence knowing that her abandonment issues and whatever else, are behind her and that her father and stepmother helped her get there?

Hi- you have one of the hardest jobs in the world. Being a stepparent is tough but try to remember WHY you married your husband. Unite together and lean towards each other and not away. She needs to see that you two are a united front. Vent to him when you are frustrated behind closed doors. Remember she is a YOUNG girl that has been rejected by the one person that should not reject her. It is tough on her. Counseling is a great idea. Pursue it for your self as well as her. IT is OK to not like the situation but as I told myself when I was frustrated w/ my stepdaughter- I chose this life - she DID NOT she was born into it.
It was not her choice that her parents divorced. It is tough I know but you married your husband for a reason so fight. Fight like crazy for your marraige and your family. They are worth it. The fact that you are reaching out shows that you care. Good luck. You all desesrve to be happy.

Family counseling for all of you, immediately.

Right now I don't think there is anything any of you can do to make it better. Its to the point its out of all of your hands. She isn't even in control of the situation.

I honestly think the only way to get through this is to go to family counseling for all of you. It will help her get through her emotions and feelings and it will help all of you get back on the same page as a family and bring you together instead of the wedge that is pulling you apart.

She needs to know that no matter what you do, you'll still love her and won't push her away like her mom did.

When my GD came to live with me at age 4, she also caused havok in the household. She didn't listen to anyone, and it seemed that she was just doing anything she could to cause a problem. I sat down with her one night and told her I believed she was acting the way she was because she was hoping that if she was bad enough, I'd send her back to her mom. I told her that that was not going to happen; she's here and that's where she was going to stay. After that, it very slowly but surely got better.

I agree with the other posters that her issues are probably deep rooted enough that it will take professional help.

Having blended my family with hubby's when our children were young (6 and 12) I know how difficult it can be. The key is for you and your husband to communicate and be on the same page at all times. Your hubby needs to stand behind you and enforce whatever you tell your SD to do; she has to see that united front.

Please don't be angry with her, although I know it's hard not to be. Practice empathy, tolerance and most of all patience and please get professional family counseling.

Good luck to you and yours!