I am a Stepmom and Also have children with my ex husband and his girlfriend is very active in their lives.. My ex husband& his girlfriend and I get along really well- we alternate on picking up the kids.. the kids spend the night ..if they have an Appt and I cannot take them my ex and his girlfriend do..
BUT in my new relationship- it is not that simple! the ex wife had an 'issue' with me attending open House for one of the boys-- I watch both boys when both my other half or his ex wife are working..they spend the night.. i pick them up from school, I went to HS orientation with him and my other half because the ex had an appt..
My question-- what are the Do's and Don'ts of these extended and integrated families?? What is your advice??
PS: I did speak with the ex wife and I think most of it stems from her still having feelings for her ex- although theyve been divorced for THREE years and also on another end stems from her insecurities as a Mom-- she often will put her job before her children's needs (for example not taking a sick day for her kids and they stay with us or missing school deadlines..orientation ...even packing their overnight bags)... I did assure her that I am not trying to take over her role- I am not trying to replace her as a Mom- Im doing my part because I feel that they are family to me as well....
So.. what is your advice?? I am very hands on when It comes to my family-- i work around my job responsibilities to make sure I attend every appt or School event and I take both of my children to their sports, afterschool activities etc... I just get a bit frustrated that my stepchildren miss out on things that they dont have to miss out..
Thanks!
I think the children's mother is acting that way because you are the girlfriend and not the wife (and step mother). She may not feel that it is a permanent situation for her kids if you are just living together. Three years divorced with young children is not that long. That's great that you want to be involved but maybe she feels you are too "hands on" with her kids and that responsibility is their father's.
All I want to say about this is that you may be jumping to conclusions about her "putting her job first".
I've been a single mom all my son's life and I NEVER had a job that let me work around my kid's schedule. Even when the school or daycare called me to come get him because he was vomitting, I was threatened with being fired for leaving to go get him.
It's nice that YOU can be so hands on and take sick time, etc for all the kids activities, but not having that luxury doesn't mean a mother isn't "hands on".
If you are feeling frustrated, maybe try being her.
Fortunately, my ex has stayed single all these years because he believes I'll take him back one day. My son has never dealt with a step parent on either side.
I'm just wondering if it's really fair for you to compare how you do things with how she does things if she really is trying hard to do her best.
I know I wouldn't want some woman making me feel like I didn't care about my son if I couldn't get time off to attend all his activities.
Just a thought.
I believe since you watch the children and they stay at your house too, and also you are the one picking them up from school, it is only fair that you would also go to the open house as their may be times that you are the only person the teacher can maybe get ahold of, and in the child's best interest as well as you are a point of contact as liason between the children and the school.
Also because you are showing the children you care for them, it isn't because you are trying to be a replacement. Which good for you for adding that in.
If the stepkids and your husband want you there, you should go. If it stresses the kids out to have that tension, you can always make an agreement that if she can be there, great, if not, you will go. I think whatever is best for the kids is the way to go.
I think your are doing well. Never ever say any thing bad about their mom. You don't have to say they are missing things-they will see, and slowly, when she is sure you are not trying to take her job, this will change. Just because you handled things well with your ex, that cannot be the standard for what you think this woman should do. Trust me that she is doing the best she can- for HER children, even tho it may be different from what you think is correct. Assuring her is not the same as when she has had time to SEE it for herself. Can you allow the time for her to do so?
Meanwhile it does look as if you are doing really well with this strange way of family life we have made for our children.
best, k
I am not a step parent; however, my son has a step mom and a step dad. I NEVER had a problem w/ his father or stepmother being there as his parent. My husband has been there before he was my husband and continues to be there now. If his father ever had a problem, he didn't voice it to me. We are his parents and as much as my husband never tried to replace his father was actually more of his dad on a regular consistent basis than his father.
You should continue to do exactly what you are...being there for your kids (both biological and step). Many single parents do have to put their job first (even when they don't want to) to keep their job and support thier kids...it isn't easy (been there too).
I think you should keep the communication open with your step kids mom. You already told her you aren't trying to take her place. Make sure she knows you are there to help with whatever the kids need and although you are not their mother, you can be another parental figure/loving adult they can count on. Tell her you want to be able to help her and their father get them where they need to be so they don't miss out and none of you have to do it alone. It is great for the kids to see everyone co-parent together and have a strong support system!
Congratulations! You are a great mom, stepmom,person. You are treating all the children as if they were all your own. That is commendable on your part. Keep it up. BUT, don't try to be Superwoman, nobody can.
When you get a chance, talk to your husband's ex and explain, as you did on this page, that you just want to be there for the children. That you understand that she might no be able to attend some functions, but that she can ask for your help when the need arises. There will be times when you will need other family members for support, too.
Keep on being hands on. It seems the issue is all hers. You did the right thing by speaking with her. Always do what's in the best interest of the children.
I am a Step-Mom too and my husband's ex is a terror.
Hang in there!
Always here for you!
A.
Do what is best for the children, if the mom wants to act childish that is her problem. If she is causing problems than have a sit down with her, but she has to understand that what is best for the kids is for everyone to work together and to simply love those kids with all they have.
Dear M.,
I'd say keep doing what you have been doing and the children's mother will either have to step up to the plate and/or get over her personal feelings and put the needs of the children first.
What does your man say?
Blessings.....
All of you are going to need to know the teachers' expectations for the children in school. All care takers need to know the children's weaknesses, strength's, problems and the current educational goals for the children. That would absolutely include you since the children stay with you. When the children are with you, school work still needs to get done. If you don't know what's going on, the children can use your lack of information to get out of doing their work. Plus, this way you know where they may need help with their work. Does mom go to open house? I would just explain that you know she only wants the best for the children and since open house is such an important part of parent / teacher communication, it certainly would benefit the children to have as many of you attend as possible. If she's not able to make these meetings, maybe you can brief her on the conversations to help her feel like she's participating.
Good luck! You sound like a very loving and caring step-parent.
