StepMama Drama

Ok...so many things going on here. First, you were friends once and you both care about your kids so there is some common ground. I agree with the other poster who said that the kids may not have relayed the information exactly as it was said or intended (or maybe they did). I also agree that you can't control what she says but I believe as their mother you can and should intervene when she says things that can be damaging to them or your relationship with them (such as she cares more)...and not because it isn't fair to you (it isn't) but because it isn't fair or good for them. The four of you (or at least you and the two of them) should sit down to discuss this (without the kids there) and explain that you are thrilled she cares so much about the kids and want the four of you to be able to co-parent even if you are no longer friends and that means showing respect to each other as parents (doesn't mean you have to always agree but you do need to show a united front). Ask about the important comments (the ones that effect the kids) and come to an understanding. Then come to an agreement that negative comments towards or about each other should NEVER be done when the children are around (even if you think they are out of earshot they may hear). As mother and father to these kids, by not showing respect for each other the kids were pick up on that. Doing it this way will not be pointing fingers and putting anyone on the defense but rather agreeing to put the kids first.

Second of all, if you did divorce you husband (her ex) you won't get away from her because she is still married to your ex (who is the father of your children).

Good luck.

I have been a step-parent for 13 years now and the only way to make this work is too communicate. This means absolutely not bringing the children into any situation and not discussing things in front of them. So, if this means you have your now husband watch the kids and you go talk to them, then you do this. You absolutely can't let this go because if you have someone like this saying things like this, it will only get worse.

When you do talk to them you've got to make it clear that she nor your ex are to say anything to the kids about this nor are they allowed to say anything to them about you all have this talk about what's going on, the kids are to know nothing. Divorce is hard enough on kids and doing stupid stuff like this only makes it worse.

Whoa, so you guys traded husbands, lol?
My kids are always telling me things my ex and his boyfriend have said about me, not always the nicest...BUT I think a lot of times, kids just don't hear what's actually being said, if you kwim. I try to let the comments roll off my back, but it can be really hard sometimes, and sometimes I really feel a need to respond in some way other than 'oh, okay', at those times I remind my children that THEY know me, and THEY know better than anyone else in the WHOLE world how I feel about them, and that's all that matters :) Sometimes I will try to turn it into a lesson about how silly it is to talk about other people, and how sometimes people can get the wrong idea about what you've said, and how if you have nothing nice to say, it's better to say nothing at all. This is a difficult situation and I wish you luck with it.

You are in a very strange situation with you both having switched husbands.... but that shouldn't have anything to do with your children.
You need to have a sit down with the 4 of you to discuss this if you can in a mature way. If not, take the kids to counseling then sit with the child counselor as a mediator who can explain how this behavior of your kid's step mom is damaging to the children...but in such a way that she isn't placing blame on anyone.
good luck

You can't control what she does or says to the kids. Her words don't have any power unless you allow them to get you fired up...so next time your child repeats something she said don't give it any weight. Having no response is more powerful and the kids know what is true. So my suggestion is to relax and ignore the comments...

First off, there is no reason to talk to her. She isn't going to listen to anything you say. In fact, she will probably be satisfied knowing the information finally got back to you. I think that best thing to do is talk to the children, IF they bring it up and are upset about it. Leave the questions open. When they mention she said that ask "how does that make you feel" or "what do you think about that" Even though it makes you furious, the main focus is to help the children through it. They are the ones that have to live with her and you don't want them hating her for what she is trying to do. As they get older, they will see that for themselves.

I agree with Jessica 100%!!! You can turn this into a teachable moment...ask them if they really do believe that there is ANYONE in the whole wide world that loves them more than you do!!! Tell them that it doesn't matter what anyone else says...that you have their best interest at heart and will always be there for them.
I was on the opposite side of this fence for years...I was the Step Mother to my husbands young son ( who is now a grown man with children of his own) and his Mother spent her time telling him what an evil witch I was and if I would just disappear that she and his Daddy would get back together and live happily ever after!!! We attempted to stay as positive as possible, we never said a word against his Mother in his presence, we just let her actions speak for themselves...and now, as an adult, he sees her true colors and has distanced himself from her for years now.
So...you just be loving and positive with your children...try not to let them be drug into the center of what is admittedly a very complicated situation....but if this continues I do think that the 4 adults need to get together (Possibly with a mediator to keep things from getting out of hand) and discuss what is best for the children and their well being.

Personally I would explain to your kids that they have LOTS of adults that love them A LOT!

sounds like my husband's step mother. She was always sending notes home to their mother about how she was so terrible and they were going to take the children away, and always trying to pretend she didnt really exist, calling them "our children" and trying to get them to call her relatives aunt and uncle. They hated it, but didnt know what to do,and I think it's unfair to make the children deal with that kind of baloney.

I think you need to talk to your ex husband. It's his responsibility to nip this in the bud. Let him know that you dont bad mouth her in front of the kids and you expect the same from her. It's not fair of her or him to put the kids in the middle of any kind of adult stuff.

What a tough situation. I'm in the opposite situation, I'm the stepmom.

You should really talk to your ex husband and see what's really going on. Sometimes kids don't get the story straight and they aren't doing it on purpose--or maybe sometimes they do! Comments can be misunderstood so easily and with you and the Stepmom already on rocky terms, things could get heated fast.

Just keep things between the adults, maybe the 4 of you need to sit down without the kids. Try to find the things you both agree on. In her house you can't control what the kids eat, and at your house she can control that. You are still the Mom though, so you get final say over your own kids in the big matters.

The more you try to stay friends with the Stepmom the better it is for everyone. I'm sure she feels the same way. Working together to achieve the common goal is the key!