Stepdaughter Lacks Manners

I read a "tip" on teachering manners to kids that suggested having a pretend "dinner party" every once in a while where the child is the guest. The child gets dressed in nice clothes (or dress up clothes if she isn't too old for that), goes to the front door and knocks or rings the bell and then is greeted as if the child is a guest. The parents do their best to treat the child like they would treat a guest (so being polite, no correcting behavior, etc). Once the child starts to get better with manners, you switch it up and have mom & dad show up at the door as the dinner guests and the child is the host. You could also have some of her friends over and have a "formal" tea party type thing to practice manners.

I grew up in a household that manners were of the utmost importance. You could be grounded for talking on the phone if you didn't answer it properly. In some ways, in that respect, I have become my parents! My father and mother were truly the most mannerly people in my life and great role models. Children can implement manners at a very young age and understand the concept of them too! My children are almost 14 and 11 and they have very good manners. You are right about enforcing them - you may have to soften your approach, though.

Usually in the summertime, I will have 4 or 5 kids, daily, at a lunch table. I pass out lunch to the first one, who may say "thank you" and I comment "how mannerly the group is -which the rest always follow suit. Or... the first child doesn't say "thank you" but I ALWAYS say "your welcome". When the kids were younger, a friend would say, "But, Mrs. P.... I didn't say "thank you???" to which I reply nicely - "Oh, but I ALWAYS have to remember my manners." I missed greeting one of my son's friends, one morning, at the bus stop and my son called me on it, later in the day. I call all the kids in the neighborhood by name. Kids do know.

My children know that when we serve people at lunch or dinner, the guest always gets served first and the "server" gets served last. When we leave a store, the first person "IN" opens the doors for the rest. I am always quick to comment on how mannerly that person is. A gentle reminder to the first person - "Are you holding the door for everyone?" usually cues someone to do it.

Do your best NOT to point out the bad behavior - praise the good behavior. Kids want the attention and usually "good attention" is better than "bad attention".

Every now and then, when the kids were younger, we'd play a game at the dinner table (Dad usually wasn't home for this!) I called it "the penny game". Every participant received 5 pennies. The goal was to win EVERYONE's pennies. Usually the kids would play when we had their friends over (and the friends would request it.) If you "Catch" someone being unmannerly (i.e. eating with their mouth open, interrupting, not saying please and thank you, reaching in front of someone, singing at the table, getting up without saying Excuse me - and upon returning, not offering to get anything for anyone...etc...) someone would call the person on their ill behavior and get one of their pennies. (And I would do something blatant - like burp or play with my food!) It really did help them.

You are doing a great job enforcing her manners. It is so important. It's sad that there are so many adults who lack them. Criticizing her parents will get you nowhere! Telling her parents how mannerly she is at your home (while she is in front of you!) will speak volumes to her, when she is being mannerly. Patience, patience, patience! I promise that it will pay off. Good luck!

EDIT: You mentioned - talking with food in their mouth... my response is: "Oh... I really want to hear what you have to say so let me know when you are done chewing so I can listen" ...sometimes if they are at the end of chewing - I will say "oh... I'll wait until you are done... " and then I HAVE to wait. (then... you watch them chew their food quickly because they know they will get your full and undivided attention!) You have to do this strategically otherwise your meal will ALWAYS be cold when you eat!

Hi Nicole,

Manners matter! Don't forget to give your little charge explanations about why she should behave in particular ways -- 7 year olds are certainly smart enough to understand a good explanation of manners and why they are important in everyday life. Let her know you want her to learn these "consideration rules" so that she will always have friends and find respect throughout her life. Keep in mind that children aren't born knowing what to do or WHY, and they are much more likely to act appropriately if they understand the why of it all.

I find role-playing very effective with my 7 year old. Often times kids don't know the words to say or how to say them, and at that age they have already learned to be embarrassed when they do or say the wrong thing. Help her to avoid that by actually giving her the words, then allowing her to try them out several times with you, in a safe place and time, so they don't feel or sound awkward to her when the time comes to use them in public.

Parents have different priorities and styles, so don't worry about your husband. When he sees how nice it is to have a well-mannered child around, he'll appreciate the work you've done. In the meantime, like it or not, this is your job. When you sign on as a parent to a child, there's no backing out! :-)

Best of luck -- you're doing her a great service!

I think the positive reinforcement is a great idea as is leading by example. She obviously is used to negative attention and sounds stuck in that dynamic of focusing on is and geting it (the ogre thing).

I know they make board games with the objective of the best mannered child wins. They might be something the family can do when she visits and take the pressure off of the parenting skill debate.

The things you do find, can you make them age appropriate? The things may seem young to her, but her behavior is a sign of regressed behavior and may still be appropriate if modified.

Parent magazine, Leaps and Bounds, etc might have other age appropriate games or books. Have you tried the UNGAME?

I would keep the playdates and actually schedule more to see if you can enlist their help. I'm sure some of the friends and moms would be willing to be a 'peer support group' if they are aware of what is happening and the goal to help. It's not embarrassing to be working on it as much as it is to look the other way and ignore it. I bet once she sees how many more friends she gets and keeps for good behavior she will be more motivated to have good manners!
Best of luck to you!

I don't think that you want to upset your husband with this situation, since he's the father. So here are a few delicate ideas. First off, lead by example. I'm sure you're already doing this, but the way we handle ourselves is the greatest way to teach our children. I'm wondering if the mother has good manners at all, since your step daughter does not seem to have any. Where did she pick up such bad manners?? Anyway, I think gentle reminders are good. But I wouldn't be too pushy. What I would do (and what we do even with our 4 year old) is tell him that if he doesn't behave properly, then we can't do that activity again. So if he behaves badly at a restaurant, then we don't go out to eat again for a very long time (like 4 months...) or if he doesn't behave properly on a playdate, then no playdates for a long time. And afterwards we discuss what he did and why we don't act that way. Obviously with a 7-year-old it's different. She should already know these things. Have you tried a reward system? One marble for every time she does demonstrate good manners and take a marble away when she uses very bad manners? When the jar is full, then she can choose a reward (toy, special outing, special dinner... whatever). My friend who's a psychologist swears by the marble system.

Nicole, boy i know youre pain! Ive got two stepsons 3 yrs into relationship, they have never been taught manners. there dad is Italian and he says Italians raised their children spoiled.Im Irish-Indian and raised from southern parents with respect and manners. Ive tried everything too, even talking to their dad. He's the same! I love my fiance, but ive had it with the 14 yr and 12 yr old tumors! Ive yelled ,explained and even disscussed every method, but not everything has been accomplished. I also have a 19 yr old son that has been raised with respect and discipline. I just decided if it wont change, Im gona have to decide to make a decision to end things. How sad!

God Bless You for trying to instill manners in your step-daughter. Manners will be your gift to her for her lifetime. Many times bosses bring out prospective new hires to lunch and manners make or break getting that job. Also how many guys are going to want to date a woman who snarfs down her food like a pig at a trough? It will make the oral interviews for scholarships easier, it will give her confidence to meet new people and give her the ability to pass her behavior on to her children. Teachers, family members, friends, landlords, bosses, spouses and children all place the gracious person with good manners at the top of the list. Please do not give up. It is also sending her the most important gift of all. The knowledge that someone cared so much about her that they were willing to buck the rest of the family to help her succeed socially. You are truly an angel.

Hi Nicole,

I read the other posts and think you got some good ideas - don't expect too much, but definitely do have expectations, do roll playing and model the desired behaviors. The suggestion I would add is, work on about 2 behaviors a week. The following week start 2 more but be sure to praise when she does the previous behavior and the new one. This will lesson how many times you're telling her not to do something and it will make her feel like she can accomplish what you want her to. Good luck! You will get there. Just set obtainable goals for her and remember to praise praise praise. Persistence is the key :)

I worked with middle school and high school children for nine years. I also help in the various nurseries and Sunday Schools at church. I'm not sure how well-mannered you think a seven year old is supposed to be. Not that I don't think manners are important. They are very important, but I think you expect too much from this child because you are responsible for her. I would ask that you carefully examine the other children to see if they act any differently than your step daughter does.

I can relate to this because I'm very patient and understanding when it comes to other children, but my own I expect so much more from. It really isn't fair for me to lose my temper with them just because they are mine, but I do.

I would suggest that you keep teaching her, but stop getting so frustrated and definitely stop being embarrassed because I suspect it isn't as bad as you feel it is.

My daughters have a Disney Princess book on manners and how to be a little princess....she might like that.

Children at your stepdaughter's age do act out to get attention. If she knows that bad manners irritate you, she may do it just to push your buttons.

That aside, all you can do is set an example for her. You are not her mother or her father. You have some control over raising her but it is a thin line that could be crossed easily.

I would suggest that you make obvious suggestions and examples of yourself so that she sees how she should behave. In the example you provided, of taking more than one cookie when offered a plate... say "I would love a cookie. I would like this ONE. If there are more then I will take another." Say it so she clearly understands your directions and put emphasis on the words you want her to understand. Ask your husband if he will do this as well to assist you.

As far as taking her to eat out, don't do it. If she acts out so much that you are embarrassed of her, then that is no fun for anyone. She is getting repremanded every few minutes and you are the one who has to control the situation. It's just not fair to either one of you or the other peole you are dining with. Try playing pretend resturant at home (With a tablecloth, napkins, places set out, menus, and a waiter/waitress) to teach the manners she is lacking. Get a babysitter when you want to have a dinner out with your husband or friends.

Also, for everyday manners, you need to set an example of yourself to show her how manners, such as "please" and "thank you", are used. If you and your husband are doing it, she will see it and use those words as well. Children learn by example.

I have revamped my answer:

I have 2 girls that are still young
Manners take time to learn so don't expect perfection for a while. I don't think I got "point" of it until I was about 10 years old.
That being said-
Some things need to be addressed. Try not to nit-pick. Choose to work on the worst offenses.

Complement when she is doing well - your husband especially.
Maybe use that marble method someone mentioned earlier.

As a prize for good behavior increase her one-on-one time with him.
"Your Dad will be so proud to take you, his big girl, to lunch or Build-a-Bear now that you are more grown up."
"Just the two of you."

Be patient and you will persevere.

Good luck and let us know how it goes-

This sounds somewhat normal for her age. Kids just need to be taught and it takes a while. My daughter is 10 and still does plenty of things that I consider bad manners. She is still learning. Seven is young enough to consider the type of things you mentioned as average behavior that just needs to be corrected over time with practice. Just keep reminding her what is considered "lady-like" and what is the correct/polite way to be.

We have let some things slide at home but remind our daughter that in public she should be more aware of how she acts. Before we go to restaurants or someone's home we explain what type of behavior is expected and then give a few examples.

7 is definately NOT too young to have manners! At the minimum; please and thank you, asking politely, sharing snacks and toys with friends, being respectful to adults and other children as well, sitting with quiet hands and feet when eating out, talking nicely to others (without attitude!), and not throwing temper tantrums. Not slurping and taking small bites when eating out will probably come with time, but I would not worry about them too much unless she is deliberately doing this for attention. Remind her gently about the manners that you would like her to use if needed, but most of all, you and your husband should make sure you are setting a good example by following the manners you want her to emulate. You might try to talk about your expectations of her before play dates and going out to dinner. This has worked very well for me. If the behaviors are extemely bad, the consequence is to leave immediately. She will learn the first time you have to cut a play date short because she is being rude to her friend. Do not humiliate her or embarass her. Just set rules for play dates and if she chooses to not follow them, then it is time to go, end of story. When you get home talk about her behaviors and what is expected of her. She will see that it is up to her what happens...making her responsible for her actions. I believe this is extremely important in a childs development. Good luck and good for you for wanting her to grow up to be a responsible, respectful person.

You're going to think this is silly but I thought I was the ONLY one who has this problem!! I have 2 stepkids and 3 birth kids and they all have atrocious manners! I would make a big deal out of it but would quickly get shot down by my husband (who has little manners to speak of) and the older kids go to their mom's house whom also does not think manners are of any importance. When I would make a big deal about chewing with their mouth open (which honestly grosses me out) they would go to their mom's house and tell her I kicked them!! (which for the record is a lie).
I basically just wanted you to know you're not alone (I"m glad I'm not!) and I'll be reviewing all the responses for myself if you don't mind LOL!