Stepchildren??? - Falcon Heights,TX

Updated on May 29, 2012
M.M. asks from Falcon Heights, TX
9 answers

Hey, i was just wondering if any of you have any advice for "new moms" of stepchildren. I have no kids of my own, and i am engaged to a wonderful man who has four teenage kids of his own from a previous marriage. His kids aren't exactly perfect and have a habit from time to time to smoke and such, which what teenager hasn't tried that? But the three boys have taken to fighting, and the girl is not very girly. I walked into the house the other night to find two of the boys holding her down on the table, and the third (oldest) was cutting something out of her leg, i don't know what. I don't really know why, and every few days she will wear a tensor bandaid and then not again for a week then for a few days and so on. The boys will just slap duct tape over cuts, sprains, anything.
So i guess my question is, Is this normal? If not how do i ignore it, or change it?
Could this be a result of their mother dying when they were all little? And their father working all the time?
How do i have a say in what happens, or make them understand that i'm not an enemy, that i will and can help.

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So What Happened?

okay, so i asked her what the boys were doing and she said that she had a lump on her leg, that it started out as a bug bite, but healed over and left a hard little lump. The boys cut it out, apparently. EWWW! I asked her why she didn't go to a doctor about it, she said that she's too scared of doctors for that "game" and that she trusts her brothers more. I told her that the next time that something is wrong with her she should let me know, and that her brothers can go with her to have a professional look at it. She thanked me and gave me a hug.

Featured Answers

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D..

answers from Charlotte on

I really hope that you aren't Kay writing as M. here. Two of these posts in one day is more than I can bear...

I'm sorry, but I don't believe THIS post any more than I believe Kay's...

And M., I see that now you've given advice to Kay on her thread - why is it that you need advice about the same subject?

People have REAL problems here and don't need someone coming here and opening multiple accounts, making awful stuff up. Please, no more of this!

7 moms found this helpful

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C.W.

answers from Lynchburg on

M.-

Did you ASK what they were doing to her?

I don't know...

Seems a bit unbelievable to me...

Trip trap?
michele/cat

5 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

i had the exact same thoughts as Dawn. Don't believe this is a real question. If it is you need to call social services about this. Boys should not be tying the girl down and doing anything to her its not normal.

4 moms found this helpful

J.H.

answers from San Antonio on

Wait, you walked into the house and two boys were holding down a girl and a third boy was carving something out of her leg...and you didn't see what the hell was going on immediately?!?!

I'd have called the police and taken the girl the hospital.

That's just weird!

2 moms found this helpful
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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

If this is true, I would have some talks with my fiance about the behaviors and what he expects and what he's doing about it. Like does he know that they perform "surgery" on the table? I would not move in until you know what's what because "normal" doesn't have to be acceptable or encouraged. CPS could be called on him if she mentions that behavior in school.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.S.

answers from Miami on

You will never replace there mother and as teenagers will not like your interference. You are just another woman going through their live. What I suggest is in the beginning you keep it light with conversation. Ask the girl out for lunch. Do not give her advice. Do not judge her . As her what she is into. Type of music. School stuff she likes. Does she want to go to college. What would she like to accomplish DO NOT GIVE HER SUGGESTIONS OR JUDGE HER. Just answer thats nice. Or if she says she likes rock say whats your favorite band or your favorite singer and shy. Then maybe for her birthday or Christmas get her tickets for a concert. She might be a cutter or something. You can mention it to her dad and see what he thinks about it. But be careful. Anything she tells you unless its life threatening you should keep to yourself because if she finds out your running back to dad thats the end of that

1 mom found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

You don't need to have kids of your own to have common sense.
I mean, you WERE a kid at some point, right? Would this have seemed normal to you? And where is this "wonderful" man and what does he have to say about his children's behavior?
Sounds like he's looking for a babysitter for his delinquent kids, not a wife. I wouldn't touch that mess with a ten foot pole :(

1 mom found this helpful
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D.F.

answers from Boston on

I think what you have to do is let them get to know you. Let them ask you questions and let them have total access to their Dad. You as the new wife entering their world should let them know you will be their when ever they need you. I think what was going on is normal for them. You can make suggestions as you did with letting her know you would help her next time if she needed it. I would not TELL them or start putting YOUR rules down. Start being a team with your hubby and have a family meeting letting them know you are here to help and maybe guide them if they need you. You just took on the hardest job you will ever have. I think showing them kindness and love will go a long way. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
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L.G.

answers from Austin on

Most teenagers will not want a woman to come in and take their dad away from them. My guess is that you will experience a lot more acting out as most teenagers don't know how to express their anger and loss of control over a situation. They didn't choose you and will be forced to accept you as their mom. My suggestion is to wait to marry when all of them are out of the house. Just continue to see your fiance whenever the kids are busy doing other stuff. But I doubt that you will see this as the best thing for those kids. Most don't.

So my next suggestion is to not try to be their mother unless it is asked for. You will know when that happens. For example, the girl might come to you with a request or a conversation about a female issue. One of the boys might need something sewn or repaired. They might ask for specific meals. One of the boys might ask for advice about a girl. But do not give any suggestions or advice if not asked for. Do not try to discipline. If you see something that needs to be done, talk to your husband in private.

It will feel like you are stepping into their space and you are. Let them let you in one at a time, on their terms. If they act out, be understanding and listen, listen, listen. They will not expect any adult to actually listen to them. You don't have to agree but you must let them know that all of their feelings are valid and you can understand where they are coming from.

Encourage your husband to have one-on-one "dates" with each of his kids as well as group outings without you. They will feel left out and they need to know that he cares more about them than you right now.

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