Step Kids Are Disrespectful and Husband Is Unwilling to Punish Them.

Did you have trouble accessing the answers you got to this question when you asked it last week? I think wild woman was right.

Move out. It's not right. You are two totally different people with different backgrounds and different lifestyles. You either have to choose to let him parent his own children the way he likes or move out. Period.

married and living together 2 weeks, just now meeting his kids and bitching because they're not little angels about it?
yeah, right.
khairete
S.

Your post could have been written by a friend of mine. She met a guy at church who had 3 children. She has 1. They got married before finishing their premarriage classes 'because it felt like the right thing to do.' She moved into his house with her daughter, cancelled her cellphone to go on his plan, and figured out after 2 months that she made a huge mistake. It was terrible to go through a second divorce and get her life back.Her daughter ended up being very resentful at having her life turned upside down and went to live with her father and step mother.

So I'd say that you jumped in without thinking and need to correct it asap. You aren't going to change the way this family is running because your life partner doesn't want to change it. Cut your losses and get out now.

Honestly, as the child of a parent who divorced 4 times during my life, adults that don't actually give a flying f-k about the children involved piss me off.

Both of you are selfish. You got married because it "felt right" - no thought AT ALL to the family relationships, the kids, etc.

Well, since it's only a few weeks old, you both can recognize your mistake, get an annullment (it is Vegas, after all) and DATE FOR A WHILE so you can all actually get to know each other. You may have already blown it with the girls trying to boss them around and be their mother as soon as you walked through the door without actually establishing a RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.

Or you can both recognize your mistake and get your butts into family counseling to pull things together.

His rules may be outrageous, but we don't know him, or them, so until YOU actually know him/them, back off and fix it.

Or get out of it completely if you can't handle the step-parent thing. Wait 6 years, date 6 years, and get married when they're adults.

I think you got a lot of input on this question with your prior post. I'm not sure what's different here, except that the curfew has been tightened up a little. While it's good that your husband is listening to you and soliciting your input, I have to tell you that, if the rules change within a week or two of you moving in, the kids are going to blame you no matter whose idea it was.

You may be very young, or you may be very naive, rushing into marriage because it "felt right" - that's bad enough if it's just the husband and wife, but there are 2 children involved here, and it doesn't sound like they had any idea this was coming. You were completely in the dark about their routines, the family dynamic, and everything else. Neither you nor your husband took any time to acclimate your to the family and vice versa.

Honestly, your biggest problem is not 2 teenagers with curfews. Your problem is a husband so out of touch with his children that he married his girlfriend and moved her into the house without a real solid get-acquainted period. Your second problem is that you and he don't agree. And your third problem is that you don't know anything about parenting - and he's not equipped to teach you.

Please, get some couples counseling. This is a terrible situation that is going to get worse. Moreover, the example set forth for 2 teenage girls is to hurry up and jump into a relationship because it "feels right"! You're going to have 2 rebellious and possibly pregnant teens on your hands because no one has taught them to take time to develop a relationship.

Your last post screamed troll as does this one. Kids just don't act like this, adults just don't act like this.

No adult says, hey great first date, lets get married so I can live with you and get to know your kids! No one! I caught all kinds of heck because I knew from the get go my husband was perfect, he moved in with us a month after we met. We did not marry for another year and a half. I am even abnormal but you, nah, no one is that stupid.

A twelve year old can't just spend the night! Even if you are the worst parent on earth and think that is a good idea other parents are not that bad. The host parent would say no. Perhaps if you were saying they always have kids over it would be more believable, still not but more. Your claim is your husband is the crappy parent, kids don't run from the crappy parent, they hang out at the crappy parent's home.

You also claimed in the last one that these are both good students, not possible if not for any other reason that no one brain works without proper sleep habits.

No one here will be able to answer you because what you claim is not possible. No one has experienced this.

Sounds like you should have taken this marriage and relationship more seriously before just jumping right in.
You must be VERY young, saying you moved fast just because it "felt right" (insert eye roll here.)
Go get some counseling I guess, not sure what else you can do at this point.
If you're not much older than his daughters then they probably are going to have a very hard time accepting/respecting you.

This is your second post about the same thing. Did you not read the responses that were given to you last time?

Family counseling. You rushed into this marriage and now you are coming in demanding that everyone bend to your will and your rules. Not gonna happen.

This is a blended family now. YOU are part of a blended family. It's a total shame that you didn't meet these children prior to marriage or prior to moving in.

Family meetings. Family counseling.

I think it's time you jump right back out of this marriage and household.
What's the old saying "Marry in haste, repent at leisure"?
You and Hubby jumped in too fast and you are in over your head.
How about you spend a few years actually courting each other and getting to really know one another?

He might be the greatest man in the world but if you and he have incompatible parenting styles - then you and he need to break it off until he's finished raising his kids.
Frankly I would not have married him if I knew ahead of time about his 'laid back' parenting style.
I like a man who has some standards and a bit of a backbone.

The family dynamic you guys have started up (you nag at/about the kids, he backs you up sometimes/sometimes not, the kids losing respect for you and their Dad and running circles around you both) is only going to get worse - and YOU are going to end up being 'the bad guy' while the others (Hubby and kids) gang up against you - you KNOW they WILL.
I do not disagree with your thoughts about no sleep overs on school nights and a 9:30 curfew but these kids have not been raised that way and starting on it NOW means you're going to be living in hell until those kids are out on their own.
Move out and date about 6 years - parenting these kids is not your job.
Move back in together when his nest is empty and the kids have left home.

See my previous response to your first question.

Strangely, you've gone from describing these kids as good kids before, to describing them as bad kids here.

Here's the thing: You're not their mom. Getting married 2 weeks ago doesn't suddenly make you their mom. He's their dad and he does get to make and enforce the rules.

I very strongly recommend that you find a marriage counseling program in your area. There is one called Prepare|Enrich that is fantastic. Your marriage needs it. You need to learn how to communicate respectfully and effectively with your husband. And you need to learn things about one another's personalities and history that you have missed out upon by rushing into marriage. Best of luck.

You all need to have a family meeting and sit down together to make the rules.

As for curfew, neither 11:00pm or 9:30pm sound reasonable to me. The whole idea of a curfew seems unreasonable. I was not raised with a curfew. When I had to be home depended on where I was going to be, what I was doing, when it ended or closed and how long it would take me to travel home.

OK, this is what happens when immature, irrational people decide to let hormones rule the day and play house. Grow up and either get some family counseling or end this foolishness. Sounds like you've barely been around long enough to have girlfriend status, never mind step-mom status. Either reconcile yourself to the fact that you married a guy who has managed to survive raising his kids for 12 & 14 years without your "wisdom" and step back, or unwind this relationship. Honest to God...

You posted just a few days ago about this. Please re-read those replies.

Honestly, you need to step back. If you don't like how it's done, then you can offer your input to your DH but you are not the sheriff here. It can be hard if you are used to being in control, but surely you knew how this family functioned before the wedding and move in? No step situation is 100% what you expect before you get there, but it seems to me that you are very impatient about this process. It can take 5-7 years for families to "blend" so if you are worrying everything now, you have a long road ahead. Your upbringing is not theirs. There are MANY things that are or will be different for my DD vs my stepkids, because she is mine entirely. But as worried as I might have been here and there, everyone turned out OK. If you allow yourself to become the heavy all the time, you will be resentful and they will further resent you.

Keep speaking to him about your concerns, but let him discipline them. Discipline is not the same as punishment. You got curfew changed to 9:30 in just 2 weeks. Give it time. If you feel very anxious about things you cannot control, try meditating or writing things down in a journal or doing something to distract yourself.

FWIW, my mom grounded me for being 5 minutes late per her watch and I hated it. As for discipline, what do you expect, exactly? I mentioned before that my then-stepfather wanted to lock us down, and we were teens before he arrived. He made my sister's life miserable and she fell in with a bad boyfriend to get out of the house more and not deal with SF. She kind of felt like if SF thought she was a terrible kid, she might as well act like one. She was not a rebellious kid til he moved in. His presence was one reason I did not return home after my junior year. So careful what you wish for.

At this point, I would expect him to help facilitate you joining the household and insist they respect you as the woman of the house. You are not the CEO here, and you need to accept that or realize you made a big mistake.

Please get yourself into post marital counseling (should have been pre-marital counseling). I do agree that the girls need to be reigned in a little bit, but you are walking a very slippery slope coming in & laying down the law. I think that it's just as important to have a relationship with these girls who haven't had any guidance in their lives probably since their mom passed. I would start by doing some girly things with them (hair, nails, shopping,etc). Get to know them, so that they learn to trust you & figure out that you have their best interest at heart. Invite their friends over to your house so you can get to know them too. Figure out their likes & pick up little gifts every now & then to let them know that you are thinking about them. I would almost expect some rebellion if all of a sudden someone they barely knew came in & started changing life as they knew it.

I really think you need some professional guidance with this situation so that you & your husband can be on the same page. Also for the girls, because if Dad is so "laid back" then they probably didn't get a lot of help dealing with their grief.

Blessings!

You are not the parent...you do not get to make the rules. Yeah, I think that it sounds horrible what these kids get away with doing...however, you don't get to make that call as the step.

You seriously had no idea how he parented his children before you married him and moved in? It sounds like you are way over your head in a situation that you didn't bother to figure out before you jumped on in.

Yes, you need to sit down and talk and establish an agreement on how things should be on forward.

My advice is to go to counseling. Family counseling.

I'm sorry it sounds like you're in over your head here. If you married a "laid back" parent, you're not being realistic expecting him to change. That is who he is. Honestly, I applaud what you are trying to do because your expectations/rules sound way more appropriate. But I suggest you take some time to re-think your decision to make a commitment to this man and his children. You're in for A LOT of stress here, and you deserve better.

Getting married before developing a relationship with his kids was a big mistake.
They are NOT your kids. HE needs to be the one to make and enforce the rules for them. You can't just drop yourself into their lives and expect them to immediately accept you as an authority figure.

The horse is already out of the barn.
You're the stepmom. Not a dictator.
I'm sorry but I don't see where you have the authority to change everything as a brand new stepmother.

Good luck!