"Step" Issues

I am going to have vote for counselling as well. That is the only way all of your children are going to straighten out. But i'll tell you it is in no way going to happen right away, nor is it going to happen anytime soon. Therapy is usually a pretty long process and you have to remember that though you chose to remarry your kids didn't make that decision.

That aside, though you are the one who chose this, you need to be firm with your children that the two of you as spouses are partners. When your children are disrespectful to him they should get the exact same punishment as if they did it to you. They don't have to like him, but they NEED to respect him. And, of course, the same goes for his daughter. If you guys don't support each other than who will?

I think that splitting up your money would not help matters. If the point is that he doesn't feel that they respect him, then they should not be receiving allowance, cars, games, etc. whatever they're into. But you need to step up to the plate and take those things away and take the pressure off him from always being "the bad guy"

L., I have to say that I understand. Sometimes people think my advice is a little harsh but I say there is a fine line between self preservation and stupidity. I think I am just direct.. Just tell your husband that it's fine that he no longer wants to contribute his money to the household, it's okay. Then you contact your attorney and start calculating how much of his income you need to make it every month then let him know that's how much he'll be paying for spousal support! They'll give it voluntarily or involuntarily with the assistance of an attorney. Now if you don't want to go that route you say, "Honey, I understand how you feel about the girls however, you are aware of our financial situation. It will take both of our incomes to make this household work. We can devise a plan to help you feel better about how you spend your money. Divide your finances so his portion goes towards things for the entire household like utilities and things that don't directly involve the girls benefitting from it. Whatever you do, please don't allow him to treat you like an adolescent and "punish" you because he is not respected by the children. Then, find away for him to gain their respect. Good Luck!

"Hello" family counciling. Just the fact you state "argue often" is enough reason for the above.
I am still from the school if I am married all income needs to be in a pot and shared equally by the family.
By the same token if your children show him no respect then I can understand his desire not to support them financially and this may be his way of starting the separation process if it can not be brought under control and that could cause even more serious problems.
I really think it is time to get outside counciling for the entire family. In the meantime I would simple sit down at a family session with all of you and tell the children that you are married to each other, you are the adults, and if they do not want all of their privelages yanked they will start treating you both with respect. Then if they don't want to show the respect to the adults they get to lose telephone, TV, computer, video games, stay in their rooms, there will be no dates, no going out with friends, no new clothes, no allowance money etc. Mean it and act accordingly.
They will be gone in a couple of years and you and he deserve to have a life together. They can get on the wagon or spend a lot of time in their bedrooms minus all of the frills!

Sounds like some family or couples counseling might be in order. If he wants to separate finances, and effectively split the family, that's a serious issue. I'm guessing the children are teens or preteens. Having been there with teens of my own, I know that they will often ignore the stepparent, as they have deep resentments of them...sometimes even so deep they don't REALIZE they have them. They don't want to accept someone else as a "parent," because it feels disloyal to their bioparent on some level. You and your husband both need to understand and accept that, and try to form a "friendly" relationship with your stepchildren, where there is respect on BOTH sides, and not an attempt by the adult to "lay down the law."

when you are a combined family "step" doesn't exist anymore. there is no more me and you. there is only WE. this is marriage 101. if he is truelt going to go through with this then you ought to think about where he is at in this marriage. i have a teenage step-son that drives me up the wall most days. that doesn't mean that i am not financially responsible for his well being. your husband is throwing a hissy fit like a kid himself. put your foot down and let him know how ridiculous he is being.
best of luck!

1st...sign up for a Dave Ramsey class together! His class could change your life, but really I think this is more than a money issue....him seperating his money shows signs of a much bigger issue....good luck and continue to pray!

I agree with the counseling suggestions. I think a lot of people see counseling as a last resort but it doesn't have to be. If you see a weather forcast stating that in the next 24 hours there is going to be a bad storm, do you wait till the last minute to seek shelter or would you make plans in advance. There is a storm heading your way and I suggest making some plans. This will snowball over time. You will fight more, resent eachother more until it almost seems hopeless and anything you had to begin with doesn't seem worth it anymore. I can tell by your comments on a second marriage that you're concerned that this is heading down a very bad road. Why not seek some help before it gets to the point of no return? It's hard at first but sometimes going through some really rough times, working through those feelings, brings you closer together. I know, I've been there. I would leave the counselors with my husband feeling awful (and usually still crying). We'd drive home in silence, not because we were angry but just drained. However, the days after those sessions, we felt closer than we did before them. I really hope things work out and that your husband realizes that when you're married, there is no "I" anymore. Everything is we and our. It's not MY money, it's OUR money. Good luck.

L.,
I think you might want to sit down with your husband and find out what is bothering him. I know that the children's disrespect can be a big issue. You might also want to talk to your children about their disrespect, what is causing it, and see if you can find a way to help your children and your husband both feel better about themselves and each other.
Look at your relationships with both of the groups, children and husband and see if you are unintentionally sending mixed messages. I am writing this from experience, I did this with my husband's and my first child - my son caught the unintended message that I was sending and thought he shouldn't like his Dad, because I started teasing with him about "Bad Daddy," when he was little.
I will pray for you and hope that your life gets easier.

Pray,pray. And talk to all your children even your husband to.he is the biggest child.(smile)

Sounds like everyone needs counciling fast. He needs pointing out that when he married you it was a package deal but the teens also need to respect him since he has been providing for them. You don't say if their Dad sends any money for support. I think what I would do is remove from there room everything he has provided. Nothing sets the stage better. Even if it's the beds. Let them sleep on the floor . It certainly will not hurt thewm. Also let them figure how they are going to get clothes for school, money for movies, hanging with friend. Cut them off until they respect him.

It seems like your husband is being just as immature as your daughters. If your daughters are being disrespectful, then the two of you should mutually come up with a punishment or a solution to deal with the problem. It may be that some family counseling is in order.

Even before these latest issues, did your husband treat your children differently than his own? I'll bet there has been a difference. I think respect is something that for the most part usually has to be earned. I would never tell my kids they had to "respect" someone they didn't feel respect for..but I always stress that they absolutely MUST have good manners and be polite at all times. Try that for starters. And good luck!

First L., get everyone together. Sit them down & tell them in no uncertain terms to stop acting like 5 year olds! Turn to your daughers & tell them that yes, you re-married; but you love them just as much now as before & you expected better of them. Their stepfather deserves respect from them & they need to start becoming adults; be respectful & talk with him. Then turn to you husband & his daughter; shake you finger in both of their faces & say the same to them. Then go on to let everyone know that it takes 2 to make a problem or solve it; but it takes a group to become a family. Let them all know that you are getting tired of trying to make everyone happy & your going on strike. Refuse to talk to any of them for at least 24 hours. Treat them just the way they have been treating each other. If this doesn't work; then its time to see a family shrink or your pastor. There is resenment on all sides. It needs to be addressed & should have been addressed two years ago. Don't let the girls or your husband tell you what will be. If they can't discuss with you what's wrong; then you need to do something else. It's not easy having members of 2 families living under the same roof. We're not all "the brady bunch"!!!!

Hi L. it sounds like your hands and heart is full of what to do next. My suggestion is to get counseling for all of you. There is no shame in this and I think everyone should have counseling at some point in their lives. Your daughter's must be old enough to realize what is happening and so should his. You sound like the only smart person in your household. As said previously stated when a marriage happens there is no step, you are all 1 family. Good Luck and Pray allot.