Step Father Adopting

You need to get a TPR against his birth father, a "termination of parental rights" to free him for adoption. Talk to a lawyer, it might not be a very difficult process if his birth father is so far removed.

I have a family member who got pregnant one night after a lot of drinking at a bar. She had an idea of the man's first name, but not much more info. There was no further contact and no way to find this guy. There was a procedure to undertake so that the man she ended up marrying could legally adopt the child. It was not too difficult, and Family and Probate Court and an attorney who deals in Family Court matters can facilitate this.

Much later on, she realized she had made two very serious mistakes. The first was getting drunk and having sex in a parking lot with some random guy. But thankfully the result of that was an adorable, much-loved baby boy.

The second mistake was much more devastating. The family member and the eventual husband never told the boy. They kept it a secret. They hid wedding photos (because the little boy, only age 2 at the time, was in the photos). They never discussed the adoption, even though the entire extended family advised them to celebrate the adoption day. They advised not dwelling on it (not bringing it up every day), but not pretending the whole situation didn't exist. The family suggested seeing a family therapist who could help them explain the delicate details (the drunk night at the bar) and who could help them explain to the child how he was adopted by a wonderful dad. The therapist could help the family know what to say, what not to say, and when and how.

But they rejected this advice, and the boy found out that the dad he knew as "dad" was actually the man who adopted him, and that his biological father was an unknown man. The boy found out from a cousin, and he was 13 years old at the time. It was horrible. He developed serious problems with trust, and there were about 10 awful years that followed. There was rage, rebellion, and many other problems that all stemmed from his parents hiding this very significant truth from him. He is now a young man but is very very wounded. I'm not saying that every situation will end up this badly, but the people we learn to trust are our family, and to have such a big secret in the family can't ever be good.

Please don't hide the facts, but don't try to do this alone. Get a family therapist to guide you. Because some day your son is going to find the adoption records (maybe when he enlists in the armed forces, or gets married or has his own child) or someone is going to say something like "it's so wonderful that your dad adopted you", and if this is the first time that he learns the truth, it's going to be so hurtful.

Please tell your son the truth. If he always knew this info it wouldn't be a big deal...the longer you wait to tell him however the more I suspect he will feel betrayed. (My friend found out when she was a late teenager her dad wasn't her bio dad. Finding out that late was really hard on her and her siblings)

I'm torn. I have a daughter who was so high on drugs for a couple of years that she doesn't know who her youngest's father might even be.

If you are sure you want your guy to adopt him then you need to call your county clerks office and ask them the costs for adoption and all that can go with that. Then you pay the fees, file, and go to court, done.

I have a friend who can't have children and that's how she's done all her adoptions. Her and the birth parents go to the courthouse, she pays the fees and files, the birth parent signs away their parental rights so they can't back out later on, and then my friend and her husband go in to the judge and it's done in a few minutes.

The birth mom does have to go through some semblance of finding the birth father too, that father can come back in the future and file a petition to make the child go through DNA testing. If they are proven to be the child's father they can file to void the adoption and file charges and more. If you have any ideas on who the father might be you should face that and get a start on ruling guys out.

One last thing.

You do realize that if you and your guy split up in the future that HE could get full custody? If that happens you wouldn't even have your son living with you?

You would be giving this man full father's rights to your son. That means he could take him away from you and raise him himself without you. That's food for thought in any situation.

If you are sure of him and that you want this to go forward then a simple call to the county courthouse clerk will answer all the legal questions.

The requirements vary by state. If you are fairly organized and comfortable with a lot of paperwork, the process is doable without an attorney but can be very difficult. I looked into this when my ex and I first got married and my son from a prior relationship was 5. We ended up not doing it, but the process would have started with formally terminating the parental rights of his biological father. That in and of itself is a long and difficult process, even for a father who isn't involved in a child's life.

After termination of rights, we then would had to have gone through a process of getting my husband vetted by social services (they do a full background check, interviews, etc.) and then with all that in place, would have been able to file for him to adopt, get a court date, get the birth certificate amended, etc.

All that said...you are way past the time when your son should have been told the truth about his father. Please do not continue to lie to him about something so important. I understand that it's easier to just not bring it up, but he has every right to know that your husband is not his biological father and because you chose to not just make it part of what he has always known, now it will be something you have to tell him. It doesn't lessen their relationship at all for your son to know the truth. He will find out eventually, and the longer you wait to tell him, the bigger an issue it will be to him. I know a handful of adults who didn't know that a step-parent was not their biological parent until they were teens or adults and the fallout was pretty harsh - they really felt betrayed, that they couldn't trust their parents, and it rocked their own sense of identity. If you don't know how to broach the subject, a couple of sessions with a family counselor can help prepare you for what to say (and what NOT to say) and how to answer any immediate questions that come up as well as questions that will come up in the future. Please address this before you go down the road of adoption.

Talk to a family law attorney in your area. If you don't know who the father is and no one has stepped forward to ask if your child is his, it may not be that difficult. A neighbor of mine did the same thing, and she had been married to the bio father - he just wasn't that interested. She had to put a public notice in the newspaper in his area and give a deadline for response. After that, her husband adopted her son (who was about 9 at the time) and they changed the child's last name.

Do you have a lawyer for anything else, such as real estate? Ask that lawyer for a referral to a family law specialist.

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Talk to a family law attorney in your area. If you don't know who the father is and no one has stepped forward to ask if your child is his, it may not be that difficult. A neighbor of mine did the same thing, and she had been married to the bio father - he just wasn't that interested. She had to put a public notice in the newspaper in his area and give a deadline for response. After that, her husband adopted her son (who was about 9 at the time) and they changed the child's last name.

Do you have a lawyer for anything else, such as real estate? Ask that lawyer for a referral to a family law specialist.

This never been a secret from the start. I adopted my biological niece and never kept the truth from her while keeping it age appropriate. "You didn't come from my tummy and we wanted you so much". There has never been an issue or abandonment issues. We never tried for biological children as we were so grateful for her.

My co-worker did this. She had a daughter with a man who was her boyfriend and he wanted nothing to do with the kid, including payment of child support. She asked him to terminate his rights, sent him the paperwork, he filled it out, mailed it back, and then when she ended up with another boyfriend, the new boyfriend adopted the daughter. She had her biological father's last name, but called the new boyfriend "dad" and he treated her like a father would (raised her, paid for her college, her wedding, etc.). She was told early in life about her real father and has met him. She isn't close to him but is close to his sisters (her aunts). My co-worker and the new boyfriend didn't stay together but as I said, this man still paid for the girl's wedding and has offered to help out with anything she needs, like a real father would, and his family loves her like a real daughter.

Depends on the bio dad. Will he consent to the adoption? Oh sorry.. just saw you don't know who the bio dad is. Not to sound rude, but that seems a bit unusual.
You will most likely have to publish a legal notification. Talk to an attorney to find out what is required where you live.