Step-sibling Rivalry

Gianna is probably feeling jealous that another little girl is living with her dad full time and she only gets to see him a few times a week. I was in this exact situation 16 years ago when I married my husband - we each had a 5 year old daughter (they were actually in the same kindergarten class) and mine lived with us full time while his daughter lived with us one week, then her mom one week, etc. Each and every week, it took about 1-3 days for his daughter (and the whole family) to settle in to being a family, and just as we got back into the swing of things, she's leave for her week with her mom. It was really hard, and we saw all kinds of manipulative behaviors from her as she adjusted to the many changes in her young and confusing life (her parents' divorce, both of her parents remarrying within a year, new siblings in each family, etc...) The fact is, she was just trying to sort things out in the only way she knew how. What helped more than anything was communication (with the whole family - talk about it openly and have everyone share their feelings about what's happening in weekly family meetings. Also, be sure to give your husband and his daughter alone time together so his daughter can be reassured that she's not losing her daddy. The important thing is not to make Gianna feel wrong or bad - she's having to adjust to so much at a very young age...imagine bouncing back and forth between two households every few days. I know, even as an adult, I wouldn't want to do it, yet kids have to cope with it all the time because of decisions their parents have made. More than anything, what Gianna needs is support, love and acceptance.

As for the rest of the family, and for you especially, simply realizing that the entire family is going through something challenging together is the first step in coming together as a family. Work together, communicate openly, support and love each other (as I'm sure you do!) and things will work out beautifully. Life is constantly providing us with challenges that call us to grow and learn. Good luck to you during this time...my daughters are now 22 years old and we all made it through alive and well - ...you will too!

T.

I have step children, but they are all my husbands, and when my husband and I got back togather we had some issues with our children and his other 2 who he had been with since their birth (he left when ours were very young)ours was actaully double edged our 2 didn't like sharing me and "his" 2 didn't like sharing him. We saw some of this arise after the intial "fun" of having each other got old. One way we battled it was to always involve the other children and at time our 2 would have some alone time with just dad, and I would do something with the other two. In your BF DD's mind you guys are know a permanent fixture and your DD gets to live with with HER daddy all the time. We constantly had to tell each that loving someone else didn't take away our love for them but just added more love to our house. The first year was hard at times, and yes we even let them fight it out on their, but constant reassurance was all we knew how to do so that is what they did. Fast forward almost ten years and they are the best of friends and no one would know that we are really a blended family. We have all been togather from the beginning (bio-mom not involved) so this may have made it easier but I think if you and your BF are always there and present when she is around and make sure that she gets time with just your BF things will work out. Good luck!!!!!

I want to add something to parents who feel your are doing wrong by your family....THAT ISN'T THE QUESTION SHE ASKED! Keep your personal opinions to yourself, every parent has the right to companionship and children need to learn that change and yes relationships don't always work, who are you fooling if you wait until they are 18? Them......they know parents need someone just as much as they do......step off the high horse and offer real suggestion!

Why are you putting your child (and the others) through a potentially temporary attachment? NOT SMART. IF this is the Brady Bunch, then why has he not committed to you? Shacking up when you have no kids is stupid. Shacking up when you do have them is criminal.

Look at this other little girl from your daughter's perspective. SHe is the center of your life. Then you throw in a boyfriend and other kids including one about the same age as her! Of course she feels competition!!!!!!!

L.,
1. What a beautiful name You have !!!
2. It is very nice that you want to support children's independency, and do not want to interfere into their life,
but
3. it is even greater that you keeep an eye on these events and notice what is going on,
bevause
4. now, think of their age: they are not capable of analyzing the situations, they act out of their inner feelings, and the actions are not always the right ones.
5. THIS IS WHERE YOU NED TO INTERFERE
and with all your innate respect to the privacy of every human being, you will do it MOST GENTLY and caringly-lovingly.

The situation is normal: they are about the same age, and each of them is going through the tremendous change in their life: mama-papa have more dear kids around, and I would be surprised if there were NOT a sign of a little so to say battle over the kingdom: who is the prettiest, best-est, loveliest, closest to the king and queen (which is mom and dad).
So please do interfere: very gently, just guide them through these little moments:if some moves are hurting others, indicate on it to the one who did something with disrespect to another, and show how to do it better, also give examples: you can take their two stuffed animals and act their behavior out like in the puppet theater, as if they are in the very similar situations, and the animal who got hurt will go to the corner under the blankie and start crying because what happened, it hurt... and then ask: 'see, bunny feels bad, it hurts when the teddy-bear did (said) so..." would you want to be like the teddy-bear, and not care that bunny is crying..." something like this. Kids relate, they understand when you SHOW them, but otherwise, from the middle of their own confused feelings, they do not notice and see the entirety of the stuation. HELP them to be more conscious about the situations that they create with their actions.
Also, if you see this thing starting now, make sure that you both king and queen express a huge amount of love towards both of the troubled kids: there are two knees on the lap, do not miss one, let them both sit on your lap SIMULTANEOUSLY: I mean, eliminate all the possible options for them to compare who is more loved, so that every time their little brain starts comparing, they will always find NO reason to think that the other is loved more...
this is the outline, more or less...
just, , as loving as you are, be very creative in the ways of how to work with their own understanding OF THE SITUATION.

You do not want to stay aside now, as they will be growing and this bitterness between them will keep growing into a bigger thing... definitely interfere, with all your respect and love
and GOOD luck and all the best to your big wonderful family, L.!

I agree with what Jennifer O. wrote. You are doing fine by your children I'm sure. "Shacking up" as it has been referred to here isn't the issue. Are you happy? It sounds like it to me, other than your question, or course. :) But still, my only advice is to love your kids, and his kids too. Things will be ok as long as there is the security of a safe, happy home. Gianna may be just testing the situation to see what will happen. Show her that no matter what, you love her too, it will be the best thing that she sees, and your daughter, too. Good Luck, I wish you and your family the best.....

It seems to me that your step-daughter is feeling replaced. She probably would do well to have some special daddy time without the other kids or your child so she knows she is special to him and still his. This problem will only get more complex and worse as they get older if it isn't worked on right now. You should put 'your' feelings at the back of the line after all the children involved. You are an adult with coping mechanisms and skills to deal with all this stuff. They are children and need some help, make sure you put them first.

L.,

There are times that kids just need to figure things out on their own and then their are times we need to guide them, that is one of the most important jobs as a parent. At 4 and 5 they don't know how to deal with a lot of the changes and feelings they are going through and need your and your boyfriends help with this transition. 4 and 5 year olds can not be expected to figure out complex issues like this.

Sit down with your daughter on her own and talk to her about how Gianna is acting, ask how Jovi is feeling, give her help on how to talk with Gianna, to give a little extra effort to include her right now. Have your boyfriend do the same with Gianna, ask how she is feeling, that he loves her even though there is another young girl in his live but that doesn't change how much he will always love her. Talk to her about how it makes Jovi feel when she isn't nice to Jovi.

Both of you sit down with both of the girls and talk about how much love there is for them all and now not only do they have the love of their parent they have even more with their step family. Talk to them about friendship and how friends treat one another with respect and how friends don't try to hurt others and have the girls talk to each other. Find some games for just them to play that are easy no winner games, pretend family, help building something together, art projects...where they both feel good about what they are doing together but one isn't always winning. I use to buy long rolls of paper, set out brushes and paint on the concrete and have them paint it to use later for wrapping paper. They loved not having to paint an object, just splashing and being messy with the paint, making hand and foot prints... it really does make great wrapping paper and they enjoyed doing it together. I use to get butcher paper from coscto and would give them each a 6' piece at a time.

Have fun but keep in mind they need your guidance, as they get older and start figuring things out on their own it will be because you were a good guiding parent that taught them how to deal with these things when they were young.

S. M