Step-Parenting - Magnolia,AR

I have never had to be a step parent but I would think this might help you

Would it be possilbe for you to have a date night with Dakota? Just one night maybe every other weekend or something. Nothing fancy just maybe bugers and a movie, or going to the batting cages, or something that you both share and intrest in. Maybe something like running or cycling.

My husband and daughter have date night every other weekend and they go do all kinds of things. By doing this they have a very great realtionship and they have such a fun time.

Hope this helps.
W.

Hi! It might help to stop thinking of him as your "stepson". You've been in his life for the majority of it, and you're the only mother that he has ever really known. Sadly he won't ever remember his mother or may just have a few memories of her. Stop saying that you have 1 child and a stepson. You have 2 children. Simple as that. The way you describe yourself shows that you're putting him second. If he feels comfortable enough to call you "Mom" then I hope you'll be able to show him the unconditional love that he needs from a mother.

C.~
The simple fact that you are so aware of the possibility of "favoritism" and are obviously concerned about doing it...tells me that you are probably not doing it and are just overly cautious about it. (Which can be a good thing!) I think that someone below was right...Morgan is younger and takes up much more of your time so you probably feel like you spend more quality time with her than with Dakota. I have an 8 year old son and am expecting our second child soon. We are preparing now b/c we know how easy our oldest could just fade into the background b/c he is so self-sufficient and able to take care of himself in most ways. You sound like a very loving stepmom and seem to be very attentive to Dakota's needs. If you are sensing that HE is having a hard time with you or is pulling away then sit down and talk with him. He's old enough to understand the demands a 2 year old can bring and your struggle to spend quality time with him. Ask him what things HE would like for you guys to do together or for his help with Morgan. Make him a part of some of the decisions you make for her (i.e. help her pick out her clothes, what to eat, play with her while you make a phone call, etc.)I agree that he should be called your "son" and not stepson. Adopted kids aren't called "adopted son" so make that change for his sake! Again, you sound like a wonderful and loving mom and are very in tune with your kids needs. Remember that this situation happens with natural kids also. Don't look at it as a "natural kid/stepson" issue. Sometimes kids hit ages where we have a real hard time bonding...he may just be growing up! Good luck and blessings on you and your family!

Have you ever thought about creating a special journal just for Dakota. I have a sister-in-law who adopted a son who was age one and when she has time she writes things in his special journal. She bought a plain black journal with blank pages and she writes thing, draws, and places pictures in the pages when she has some extra time. She shared the book with me last time I was over, it was so special. I scrapbook (time consuming) and I write some small stuff but the journal looked easier and had more in depth topics and events then a scrapbook. Some pages that I took in very seriously wer about families. She wrote to Tristan about how much she loved him and that they made a very special family together, she explained that families come in all shapes and sizes, from parents, to a mom or dad, from extended families like ones that involve grandparents, adoptive parents, and even pets can make up a family. I know one day when Tristan reads those special writings made just for him he will know just how important he is to her and how special he must be for her to have gone out of her way to write to him each time she thought about it. He is 3 now and she has just completed journal one. She plans to keep writing as long as she enjoys it. Make a special effort to do something just for Dakota, it's normal to feel such a strong connection to your daughter after all she grew in your tummy. Hope this helps.

Hi. My name is B.. I had a "step" daughter whom I raised since she was 4 also. She passed away from cancer in 2005 when she was 10 years old. I have three children of my own with her father.

I have alot of advice on this issue, some you may not understand, some it's just too much to type, lol. I was a stepchild. My step mother treated me like literal dog sh*t. I moved out of my dad's house when I was 14 because of her. I promised myself that if I EVER had a step child that I would love them just as my own. I made good on that promise.

My first piece of advice to you is don't refer to him as your "step" son. You didn't step on anyone and neither did he. If you aren't comfortable with saying you are his mother, then say you are his "other" mother. That right there, when you put that "step" in front of "son" picks him apart from your other children and causes him to be on the outscurts. If you want to treat him as your own, the first step is to call him your own. Especially in your case where he knows you are all he knows as a mother, you have a special bond there with him.

It's hard for me to sit here and try to tell you what to do. I can't change the way you feel, I can only tell you what has helped me and hope that in some way you may feel the same at some point in your life.

When I looked at my "step" daughter, I didn't look at her as someone else's child. I looked at her as if I were her mother. I looked at her just as if she grew inside of me and I was the one who gave birth to her.

My husband still to this day tells me that I treated Brit better than my own children sometimes. That's because I didn't want her to feel the way that my step mother made me feel.

I hope in some way that this has helped you. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything else if you need to. Good luck! And I applaud you for trying to be the mother that your son needs.

B.

Hi C.~
First off I just want to hugely commend you on your ability to recognize that you are showing favoritism and to *own that*. So many people are blind to the things that they do that are less than positive. I think in owning it you are on your way to making a change.
Do you refer to your step-son as your step-son? If you do, then I personally would stop,and start just referring to him all the time as your son, because you are now the only mother he is going to have. I think that there is power in the words we choose to use and hearing yourself call him your son more often could begin to change *you*. And also, you could arrange special mom/son dates once a week where the two of you spend time doing stuff together that wouldnt be appropriate for a two year old.
I also want to add that I have two sons (aged 9 and 6) they are both biologically mine, and I even experience favoritism .. not that one is more loved than the other, but the youngest gets his way more often, we just *naturally* are more lenient etc.. so I try very hard to always be fair and to give my 9 year old lots of hugs and physical affection and praise. And its like this cycle.. the more I do it, the more I want to do it.
Lots of luck, and again I think its great that you are tackling it!
~A.

It's almost scary how alike you & I sound! I'm a nurse at a nursing home, & my husband is a police officer as well as a paramedic. I understand the hectic-ness of schedules vs. home life. I also understand the stress of trying to treat each child as if they're special. I have a daughter (now 18) whom I am very close to-we're more like girlfriends than mom/daughter, have always been. I acquired 2 other daughters with my marriage--each with their OWN mother. So I deal with 2 beautiful girls who have 2 very different home lives and very different personalities. It's VERY hard NOT to show favoritism in this situation, but my daughter has a stepmom who has great ANIMOSITY toward her, simply because she had a close relationship with her daddy from day one. I don't want to be the hated/dreaded stepmother from hell, so I try extra careful not to favor.
It's difficult because of their ages--18-11-4, but the rules are the same within this house for each of them. Sometimes I think the 11 y.o. loathes me because I make her follow the rules, & her dad babies her to death--which he is working on. It's hard not to spoil the heck out of the youngest, for she is an energetic little imp who reminds me of my own daughter at her age.
I think if you find something your boy enjoys that the two of you can get away & do frequently, it'll help you develop your own "special relationship."
We try to do this with our 11 y.o., but she has Asperger's syndrome, & it's so difficult to get her involved in anything. She seems most content though to spend time doing her own thing, so we try not to interfere with that happiness, we just let her know how much we love her, tickle & hug on her, & try to keep a normal, low-key routine when she's here.
My husband has developed his own special relationship w/my daughter. They take time every few weeks to do "daughter & dad" stuff, whether it's rock-climbing or hitting golf balls, but it's 'their' time.
I don't care what anyone says, it's a tough job being a stepmom & we sometimes tend to hold our own flesh & blood a little higher up than another. But the fact that you're wanting to make a change for his happiness & feelings of acceptance says a lot. Keep up the good work!!

It very normal to feel close to your own child and esp b/c she is a girl. I don't think you are being more bias towards your child. I think I will speak for most moms you always have that special bond with your first born and your first daughter and your baby. I know have felt like you are feeling right now. That I know my son more than I do my girls and I do the girls are 2 and 3. But I also spend less time with my boy b/c he is in school. So what I'm saying is it's not you IT happens to everyone. My advice is to spend one on one time with him. It doesn't matter if it's 10 minutes reading together or an all day outing to the museum, lunch and movies. Know everything he is interested in. I know boy stuff is foriegn to me too. But so is girlie stuff. I'm a tom boy, play sports but my son is into bugs, dinosaurs and drawing not really into that myself but I try to encourage him! Don't worry you are doing a great job and I bet it's hard at times so keep your head up and SMILE!
Leti

I hit the wrong button and it sent it out when I wasn't finished. I keep doing for them and I know now that there were things I wished that I could have done better but I know they love me but I do miss all the closeness that I wished that we could have because when I talk to other mother's then seem so close to there kids. I think that is great. I am sure he know you think of him as being special. Just keep up the good work. You seem like you are a very loving person and want what best for your kids.. God bless...

C.,
I think it is awesome that you are so concerned about Dakota. I have the same questions about myself when it comes to my two children though. Is it possible that Morgan is just requiring more of your attention because of her age? I try to spend a little extra one on one time with my son (also older than my daughter) because he is more self-sufficient than my almost 2 year old. God Bless!

In my opinion, first of all, boys are way different than girls. It's difficult to relate to all they do. I have three children, all biologically mine, 1 girl age 7 and twin boys age 3 3/4. I love them all, but my daugther and I are much closer than my boys and I. Let me refrase this. I bond very much with one of my twins. The other one; well, he and I are not as close, but he still needs and wants me. Another opinion of mine is: your son is 8 and that may be another contributing factor. He is growing up and getting ready for his preteen years which is the next stage in life and makes for a whole new set of issues. Anyway, I think you're ok with your kids. You love them and that's what counts. I know you are concerned and you are in the right place. I don't think you are alone in this boat. Stay blessed!!!

Dear C.:
I would differentiate between your feelings and your behavior. Having been a step-dad for eight years, I felt a stronger bond with my own child, but I treated both the same. Your step-child already has the emotional bond with the biological parent, so you don't need to provide that the same exact way (in your case she deceased, but my point is that everybody has ONE father and ONE mother). As long as the favoritism does not play out in terms of giving your own child more privileges, better treatment and judicial priority in case of sibling disputes, you are OK with feeling that way. Your own flesh and blood is a reflection of yourself, your step-child is not. Plus, like I said in a reply to another request recently, your child stays in case of a divorce, your step-child does not. I am not arguing that you cannot feel love for both, but I cannot accept that the children are in the same position - they simply are not.

BTW, reverse favoritism can also occur when you tiptoe around your step-child but harshly punish your own. As long as you think about whether you treat them justly and fairly, you'll be fine.

I would rather be with a step-parent who is aware of the difference but treats me well than with one who views both as equal but is less caring.

Regards,
W.