Hi everyone,
I am with a wonderful man who I love very very much. I have three children, two of them live with us. My man has three children, wo of them live with us. We all get along for the most part until there is a problem with his daughters school. His daughter has struggled with school forever, we are constantly fighting with his daughter because she constantly lies about her homework, turning in assignments, her grades etc.. We don't kow what to do> She goes to her mothers on the weekend and has know consequences. We are the only one setting consequences for her lies and bad grades and its causing fights between us all. his two children are starting to resent me and my children and Im affraid that I am going to lose all of them. I love my new family very much and want this relationship to work. HELP what can we do?
Thank you all for your advice, my step daughter is 14 and she is currently being tested at school and for ADHD. Her dad and I went to the school for some advice from her teachers so we will see. As far as talking to the ex-wife like an adult, well she does'nt want me, (step mom) to have any part in the raising of her two children. We will do what ever we have to for our children. I really wish the ex-wife would help support her daughter.
If you can affored it i would have all of you go to therapy to learn how to be a family even a splt family good luck A. no hills
I know this dance!
It sounds like you really care about her, you are a wonderful stepmom.
When it comes to school, it sounds like she's having trouble and doesn't know what to do herself. So she's lying. You don't say how old she is?
You and your husband should go talk to the school. As the stepmom where she lives most of the time, under FERPA you are legally able to access and look at her school records as well as talk to teachers. Find out what's going on. Does she need extra help? Maybe she could get a peer tutor. Is she having trouble organizing her time? Is she forgetting her assignments? Until you know what the trouble is you can't help.
Instead of punishing the lies it seems more helpful to find the root of the problem. I know it's hard with the mom not having any rules (boy, do I know that one!) but if she's only there on the weekends then you can hold her responsible during the week.
Is her dad willing to step up and back you up? That is so important! I know my husband on occasion will hear me nag or yell and then he gets defensive of his daughter EVEN IF SHE IS IN THE WRONG. It must be a bio-parent reflex. Try not to nag or yell in front of him, instead, bring the issue to him and have him resolve it with her. This will cut down on some of the arguments!! Also, try not to discipline her in front of anyone else (which is rude anyway). She should go into a private room if you have anything to say.
Hope that helps!
first... i think you, the man you love and the ex... need to sit down... and all discuss this like adults... then get the child help in school... stay on top of what she has for homework... the ex has to do the same... otherwise let her know that she is screwing the child up by not helping.. this can work.. but all have to be involved.. good luck..
Has the daughter been evaluated by a school psychologist or any other professional at any point?
I understand that the ex-wife is making this worse and exacerbating the situation, but most of the time when you can say "we're fighting all the time and she's lying about homework" there is something else going on.
Occasionally it is an emotional or biochemical problem. Sometimes it is a neurological one. Sometimes there are learning disabilities, or ADHD, or a non-obvious visual impairment like her eyes not focusing together right or something else that might explain such things. But whatever it is, I worked with a lot of kids over the years, and it was fairly universal that the ones in this big a struggle had something going on that they needed more help for than just consequences for lying.
Kids start out like with a desire to please for the most part. When we give them autonomous ways to feel successful, generally speaking they will pick those over the attention they can get from failure. When a child is deliberately choosing failure related attention a majority of the time, either it is because success is too hard, or it is because you very much need help resolving an emotional battle over autonomy.
Other people will make suggestions about the ex, and many of those are useful too, but please get this child in with a counselor and get some testing done for the various possible obstacles to her success. She wants to feel successful as much as you want her to succeed deep down. Help her tap that rather than fighting her.
It sounds like you're not officially a "stepmom" but rather, dad's live in girlfriend. Let dad do the discipline. You should be afraid you're going to lose all of them, but sadly, all of the kids will suffer a loss as well.
get some family counseling . but keep doing your job as their step mom they will soon understand why you all were so hard on her. but i believe counseling will be wonderful for you all.
my opinion is she might have a learning disability and all the punishment in the world isnt going to help. sit her down and tell her there is no punishment for any answer about to be given. do not lie to you cause you cant help her if she lies and ask her if she is not doing homework because she doesn't understand it. if this is the case try sylavans learning center. my oldest used to do this too and it was because he was struggling in school. and he was my blood kid not my step kid. so its kinda a kid thing but I think there is more too it. how would you feel if you didnt understand your school work and come home and got punished for not understanding it. change your perspective you might just figure out something else is going on.
First I would have to say you need to remove Yourself from the disciplinary actions in this situation. Even when a step child loves you as soon as you start trying to discipline them the turn on the" you're not my mother act". This is dad's and bio mom's deal. Those two need to get together and talk this out express their concern's and come to some kind of agreement on discipline and then both houses need to follow that. If they don't you will see more hostility she is blaming you and dad for her stress...not mom. Make mom accountable too!
