Step-Mom Seeks Better Relationship with Daughter!

You are doing good...just keep loving her. You did not mention how old she is.
Talk with you husband. Ask him to start disciplining (losing privileges) her for lieing, and he can make a difference by gently letting her know that he does not want her to speak negatively about you.
He is the key to this. You just need to keep setting a good example. I would would occasionally let her know that she needs to show you respect, as you show her respect.
take care!

Hi J.. Is your daughter 12-14? My own daughter acts rude and speaks disrespectfully sometimes....but only to me. And she too has told me (while calm) that I've not really done anything to deserve her wrath. I really think it's the age and hormones! I'm not sure you should worry yet. It may just be a phase. We sit my daughter down about once a week and just have an open discussion on mutual respect. The conversation usually entails reassuring her that rules are made to protect her, not punish, and I always let her know that I love her and have her best interest at heart. And keep praying for her, send out those angels to minister on your behalf!

Hey there! I am a stepmother too so I feel you pain. I have something that I have sent others on this board to read that I found has helped me alot. If you want to send me your email addy, I will forward it over to you. I have it printed on bright yellow paper, hanging in my cube at work so I see it every day!

Wow! This sounds like a tough situation to be in. I am sorry for your worries and frustrations. KEEP praying!!! But also, maybe she is just now seeing how much her father loves you and feels replaced.. how old is she? She also may be struggling with decipline from you or her father asking you for advice on her situations.. Either way, no matter what the cause, I would talk to your husband about sending her to a counsler or Christian Counselor, especially since she is going far enough to make up undeserving lies about you. People are so afraid to take this step thinking it means something is monumentally wrong, but that is not the case. Anyone, especially young girls and teenagers can benefit emensly from talking to an unbiased party and really need to be listened to. They will help direct her feelings and help HER understand where they are coming from and what to do with them. She may think it odd at first, but she will immediately love the attention and knowing you all care enough about her for her to be heard. Don't approach it as, "you need help", just approach it as, "You obviously are having issues with me, and I know we are all biased, and you have a right to be heard and we want to understand where you are coming from".. Good luck, and I will say a prayer for you as well.. The previous advice about weekley talks and etc. are great as well!!

Well, have you talked to your husband and the in-laws? Since your a church goer, I would suggest that you get friends involved. Have outings w/friends included to show them and her you don't have any hard feelings towards her and to make it harder for her to lie about you. Only if she starts acting like the grownup she wants to become. Use analogies that include how God would see her actions. Example, Just like God I to love you without judgment and I understand why you feel that you have to lie to your friends and family (which is she needs attention) I hope that one day you'll understand that I'm always going to be here for you. Then act like nothing is wrong and give her space. If she wants to talk tell her you can help her to quit lying or you can help her to turn things around with her friends, because lying is going to hurt her more than she will ever know. She will definitely hate herself if she continues this path. I will write your name down and pray for you guys.

Another possible good source would be http://bonusfamilies.com/. Their weekly column in the Dallas Morning News gives some good advice and their Web site seems pretty relevant.

Sounds like she's treating you just like a mom. Sorry. That wasn't very nice to say, was it? I guess you could go high tech on her and record her saying it next time, and then at least let your husband and inlaws know that you're not the antichrist.

S.

I don't know how old your step-daughter is, but this is often something that teenage girls do to their parents. You might take a step back and see if this is something that is only happening with you, or is it a phase she is going through. Once you have figured that out, it will be a lot easier to decide what to do. Also, you should not confront her about it without her father and/or bio mother with you. That way you call all aproach her and she will know that it is out of love and concern for her well being instead of feeling like you are personally attacking her.
Just my two cents.

I experienced something very similar. Unfortunately you can't control your stepdaughter's lies. Don't be like me and spend a lot of time/energy trying to "right" her wrong.

I would recommend the book Boundaries with Teens/Children. It will help you set boundaries with her. Also telling her that lying is a character issue. Eventually she will be found out with or without your help and then how does she hope to repair relationships then.

I know this pain. I am so sorry. Continue to pray and remember with God all things are possible.

Blessings!
L.

WOW, do I not know your exact feelings! I have been married for 14 years and have two step-daughters and then 2 sons with my husband. I have been with my step-daughters since they were 5 and 3. We always had a great relationship. They have always lived with their Dad and myself and regularly visited their birth-mom. I don't know how your situation is, but when our girls started getting older, their birth Mom must have been beating herselff up for not raising her girls and from what we heard from the girls was lots of pulling at their heart-strings and making them feel guilty for them not living with her, at the current time. Anyway, I think as they gor older and had more activities in their lives and were involved in sports and activites, it got hard for them to go visit their Mom on a regular basis. This caused her to have a hard heart and she said and did things to make them feel bad. Then I think the girls started to wish they had a relationship with their birth Mom, like they did with me. When ourr oldest hit 15, something went wrong (still trying to figure that out) and she overnight started to rebel and our relationship went South in a hurry. She moved out and lived with her Mom her Senior year. then when she asked to come back home, my 15 year old daughter got made that we would let her come home after all the heart-ache she caused us, (and I think she was jealous because her birth Mom tried to make her jealous of everything she did with the older sister), so our 15 year old has recently moved out. The relationships are still rough, but I am confident that God will bring them back around some day and we will once again be close. I think life is just mentally tough in their minds, but I cared for them, treated them like my own, loved them with all my heart and even though my heart is broken today, I am confident it will be whole again! I'll keep you in my prayers! It's difficult being a step-parent. Stay real and true and have FAITH!

Set down and try to reason with her, that this behavior is hurting her, and what does she think it will solve. If she isn't truthful in telling things on you, ask her if family and friends will respect or believe her if she should tell anything on them, and that you and her can have a happy relationship,(you are all one family now) but she is starting to damage it with her treatment of you. Talk to your husband and tell him the same thing you just did in this note.

I have a 13 year old former step-daughter (I adopted her several years ago). Her mother has never been in the picture and I have raised her since she was three. You'd think that, because I'm the only mom she's ever known, there wouldn't be any conflict between us, right?
I have been told by many other mothers, that the teenage years are like this, no matter who you are, natural or step. I have seen girls talk about their natural mothers in the same way that others talk about their step mothers.
I've caught my own daughter in a similar situation, and I confronted her about it. I think that in situations like these, it's always best to talk to your husband first, and both of you confront her. That way, it's not the mean step-mother picking on Daddy's girl. When you confront her with him, she'll be less likely to act disrespectful towards you.

I am having this problem right now with my fiance's 10 year old son. He makes up things because I think he believes it will make his mom "happy" if she thinks he doesn't like me. His mom and I both have explained to him that he doesn't have to make stuff up...we can both love him and I am not replacing his mom. He still seems to find plenty to say about me. I heard a saying recently that made alot of sense to me. It was "If someone starts a rumor about you, don't worry about it...just live as if it's not true. Time will tell the truth." I just do what I do, and say what I say, being extra careful with this particular child. When something questionable comes up, I make sure to document stuff in my journal. The ex isn't above making my life miserable when she gets a whim.

You're the person who took her Dad away from her mother. She also has to share her Dad with other children who see him daily. I don't mean that you went in and took him, but that's not the way she sees it.
The most important thing is that you and your husband need to join together. Does she get to have private time with her Dad? She needs him to herself at times. Daddy dates should be encouraged and you could do it in front of her so that she knows YOU want her to have that time alone with her Dad.
In my opinion, you must just continue to love her. Let her know your love is unconditional. You don't have to like the things she does, but you love her. Hopefully she will see you are not the bad guy and come around.
J.

keep praying and i can already tell you will. why children have to go through so much change is beyond our thinking but as to you mentioning praying God does give us instructions and to being patient but strong. i have newphew who at the moment cannot like me at all. yet he does. he has even told me he hates me. i told him it doesn't matter because i love him but i am still not going to let him do things he's not suppose to. I have a step daughter that when we were alone she was very sweet. but as soon as her father came home she was very angrytowards me. now i don't know how old your daughter is and that has alot to do with how she is reacting towards you. i don't know what shows she's watching or how her other friends see their parents, see there external factors to childrens actions. i feel you know this. just keep being the loving parent you are but let God guide you in letting her know you will not let her be disrespectful to you in your presence. i forsee hard times for awhile. you can be strong. children try us always. and yes i have cried alone at times but as i said my children are grown now and now we are raising our grandchildren . And knowing always that it is God who controls all. raise a child in the ways of the lord and he will alwsys return to it. my prayers are with you. kk

My dear lady,

Having counseled many, many parents and teenagers, I know whereof you speak. Teens reach an age where they want their independence. Talking bad about a parent or step-parent gives them a feeling of power over you.
next time a decision has to be made, invite her to give you some input. Don't worry about the lies. You have no reason to justify yourself to teens.

"This too shall pass."

____@____.com if you need more help.

Do not try too hard,