Step-Mom - Seattle,WA

M.,
I've been right where you are now!! And 15 is the worst age for girls, at least it was for my own 2. I, too have 2 step-children. We shared custody, one week on, one week off...and let's just say our parenting styles were VERY different. Mom's house was definately the "fun house" and we were mean because we made them do school work and chores. Once my stepdaughter threatened to call Child Protective Services because she felt her punishment was unfair! I dialed the phone for her and handed it to her. She just turned red in the face and stormed away. Here's what we did about school. You can do this via e-mail since you don't drive. Have the teacher send you whatever homework was assigned that day. And just flat MAKE her sit her butt down and do it, and then check it and if it's wrong or sloppy, make her do it again. We had a very difficult time with this at first and Emily rebelled big time! It was unpleasant around here for quite awhile. She just couldn't wait to get back to "fun mom's" house. The teachers usually are very understanding and helpful in these situations. We got double copies of everything. They even had her make 2 mother's day gifts.

It was an ugly year and I won't pretend that I wasn't relieved when it was time for her to go back, but today she is 24, very successful and she has and shows a lot of respect for me. They honestly do begin to see the slacker parent for what they are, but it's not an easy road. So hang in there woman and know that you're doing the right thing. The child might not see that right now, and it could take years (like it did in my case) but it really pays off in the end, and you can sleep at night knowing you did the right thing.

Another issue we had was that I was always the one discipling and that did NOT help matters at all. I finally had to get on my husband to take a more active role, but Emily knew the "orders" came from me. Still, it's only right that your husband take part in the correct upbringing of this child.

I give you lots of credit for handling all that you do. Pat yourself on the back EVERY DAY and buy yourself little treats often because you deserve it!

Best of luck
V.

I am taking a class on "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". I suggest going out and buying the book and reading it. It will give you many great views on how to talk to a teenager. As for your problem, I think that you should talk to her as if she was your best friend. Take her out to get her hair and nails done and talk to her about school. Let her know how you feel and take in consideration her feelings. She may not have a mom with the right skills but I am sure that you have some skills that you can teach her. I think that spending time with ONLY her and bring the subject up casually as if it was no big deal you might get somewhere.

B.

That is a hard one. Have the two of you considered trying to get her into your home more so that she can learn better habits and know that people do care when it comes to her and how she is doing at school? I know how hard it can be with a step-parent but the structure that a stable family gives a child is the best even if the child doesn't act like it.

First of all, being a step mom, yet alone to a 15 year old is hard enough. I think that it would be best to invite her mother and step dad over to your home, so that the five of you can sit down and talk about where she's headed if there's not the same discipline about school work in both houses. If they don't care about her staying in school, it's kind of hard for her to want to stay there. Maybe her mom could tell her the disadvantages of being a high school drop out.

I think that therapy is needed here... because you have one parent that doesn't care enough and the other parent that cares and between that is what the 15 year old is feeding off of... Is there any way that you can get help from a church or something like that?

Hi M., I give my respect to you for trying take on this challenge.maybe something that you could do is you call the school then have your husband give them the permission to discuss everything with you or have him tell the school his sitiuation.and that is why he needs you to handle it.let the school know what is going on at the home front and what you are trying to accompish at your home front.let the principle know that you are really concerned about her education ect ect. if that doesn't work you might be taking on more than you can do on your own. which is sad for this teenager that her own mother doesn't even care.your husband might not be able to see all that well but he can still hear,and who can speak but he needs your eyes to help him so don't make this only your issue.he needs to input as well as be responsible for her. good luck sorry you are going through this but don't do it alone.

Dear M. J.,

I am a 75 year old great grandmother, and your problem sounds very familiar to me. My own daughter was careless about my grandson's education too. I really struggled with trying to figure out what I should do or not do. You know, that would be meddling if I did something. I stayed out of it a lot, but when it came to being able to help him get to school I took him. He ended up not graduating because of missing taking one class, in P.E., of all things. If a High School student has to go back to complete one class, it is very hard to get them to do it. He regrets it now. He is a wonderful adult, very loving to his negligent parents. I do not have any good advice for you, except to learn to drive a car!! If you do not do this scary thing, then you will be held back from lots of interaction with the world and some very good friends and experiences. Your husband needs for you to be able to drive, and just maybe you will be able to help your step daughter learn to drive. You both need lessons, don't you?

Good Luck, C. N.

M., I praise you for wanting to help your step-daughter. But I want to give you a reality check. She is 15 and lives full time with her mother. She is the way she is. You do not have the ability to change anything that she does while she's with her mother. Sounds like you don't get to see her consistently or often. And so how could you teach her responsibility and the importance of school? You are right to say that someday she will wake up and make changes herself.

The one thing that I see that you can do is to love her unconditionally, just the way she is, without trying to change her. Do not be critical or give advice unless she asks for it. Don't criticize her mother or what her mother does. Just let her know that you love her and will always be there for her if she ever needs you or wants to talk. Praise her every chance you get. Look for even the little things to praise. Tell her you're glad that she's in your life. Every time she does anything positive tell her you're proud of her. My daughter said that I didn't praise her enough and now that she's an adult she said the words that mean the most to her are "I'm proud of you."

Perhaps it will help if you can accept that each one of us is doing the best that we can do with the knowledge and experience that we have. Her mother is a school drop out. She doesn't know how to teach her daughter to be a success in school. At 15, your step-daughter only knows what she's learned up until now and she's at an age where accepting guidance is difficult and impossible from someone you infrequently spend time.

It is very sad that all of you have to go through this experience. You want better for your step-daughter. She deserves better and so do you. You are right that someday she will realize that she's missed out on some important values and skills. She'll think that she's a loser. And whether or not she wants to change will depend on how much she loves herself. When you love her as she is (who she is is herself) she will have a better chance of loving herself.

It's hard to stand by but I really think that other than giving her love and approval that is all that you can do. I wish you well. M.

You are right in the thinking that she will wake up one day and make decisions in her life. They may not be the ones you would pick for her but she will learn to live with the choices she is making today. Some kids go through this no matter how strong their home life is. I did it and I had very supportive and loving and strong parents. It is her age and all that remains to be seen is if she keeps it up or not. There is not much to be done now. All you can do is lend your love and support, because lectures and demands don't go very far with teenagers.

Hello, your situation attracted my atention.
I am also a step-mom of a 14 year old that has so
many issues in 9th grade like you do not have an idea.
Grades and specially attitude is the main problem.
Her mother abandoned her when she was 3 years old, but has all the love from her grandparents that helped my husband raise her
and when she was 7 yearsold, never lacked love and attention. I took the reponsability of taking care of her. SHe is rebellious and stubborn as a mule.
She know she is so important to me and she takes advantage of that, I have an older daughter in college and I am equal in all kinds of ways. I have tried it all, special education, going to schools, meeting with teachers, you name it.. ALL !
I know we all do it sometime in our life to get the hang of things and reality kicks in when we have to support ourselves, all that lack of interest in school come up to the surface and we are faced with reality and that life is hard.
We have taken all away like: iPod, lap top, cellphone, television in her room. She can go out with certain friends and always on top of her, where and when. SHe might hate us for doing this, but I know someday she will thank us and she will pass it on to her children too. I can't give up, I am on top of her CONSTANTLY! We made her have all her teachers sign weekly report cards, if she was on time, turned all her assigments & attitude as well.
This is the second week doing this, she hates it to a passion, but we are seing the results already. You want your stuff back...earn it!! If she is late to a class we make her do the time in lunch detention. Almost three weeks ago she ditched many classees until the P.E teacher caught her coming back.
She is in Saturday school until she makes up for the absences and she signed a contract in school that 1 more "F" she will go to a school where all the loosers go.
In your situation is diffrent, I knwo is hard when she lives with other parents and specially if education is not a priority. Life is getting harder and harder. If her mother does not realize that I feel sorry for the girl about her future. I know she will come to you later on in life for support and she will learn a lot from both of you and your husband. You are showing her love already. SOme day she will know and she will understand.Like you said she will wake up on her own, yes....but depending of her circumstance of the wakening...will she be abe to?? I hope so. It will be harder, I knwo that, it happened to me. Lifegave me a slap on the face.
Did not finished High School, got pregnant, got divorce, had to finish high schoolfirst before anything, had 2 jobs to support mu daughter and also later I went to college. I Graduated when I was 40 years old (now 45 )and making from minimum wage over 75,000.00 + a year.
Like you said: I woke up and made changes myself.
Have agreat day !!