Step-Kids, What Would You do?***REVISED

First of all, when you married your husband you also married the kids and the responsibilty that comes with it. If they were with you full-time at that age, where do you think they would be? Hanging out with you and your much younger girls? Nope...they are at that age where their friends are most important to them. I understand that while this may seem to cramp your style, it is unfortunately a responsibilty that comes with the territory. They obviously love you and your family or they would be tickled at the chance to skip out on weekend with stepmom and stepsisters. Keep in mind that they won't be around all that much longer for visitation and enjoy what you are getting. Perhaps if you tried to plan something that is fun for the family to do (the thought of running errands or visiting my step grandma wouldn't be high on my priority list either) then maybe family time would seem more appealing. I know it is hard and probably a little awkward for you, but I really think it sends the wrong message to not try and make the time that they are scheduled to be with you a fun time for everyone. What teenager thinks it is great fun to hang out with a 2 and 6 year old? Unless someone was paying me at that age to babysit, I wouldn't have been caught dead playing dolls with my kid sisters. Just remember what your teen years were like and know that it truly would be no different if they were yours also. Good luck and remember patience and understanding during those teen years is a critical part of parenting.

I don't have step-kids but my 13 year old doesn't like playing with his 8 year old brother so you can probably give up on them wanting to "build bridges" with the younger girls.
You are basically being used when your husband is away. I wouldn't give in. I would tell them that they can come and these are the rules. Take-it-or-leave-it. I would still continue to give them quality time with dad. but obviuously they see you and your girls as not part of "their" family. because they only want to see their dad or friends. I would not accept rudeness from them and I would not change my plans. If saturday is your errand day then that is it. I think some boundaries are in order and your husband needs to sit down and have a talk with them. Even when you are nice they don't appreciate it. both of you need to set and keep the boundaries. since when do they get to decide to "give up a saturday"? last time i checked they don't get to make any decisions about that. so I would say that you shouldn't change your plans. and if they can't change their behavior then they won't even get to go to their friends house. after all isn't that a reward for their bad behavior over at your house? Isn't visitation for getting to spend time with the other parent or family. Oh yeah, come to Jesus meeting and talk with dad about proper manners and boundaries and expectations about visits. You say that you are always telling your husband to let them go play if nothing else is going on. What happens when there is something going on when hubby is there? do they still act rude or do they sulk because it is not with just dad? I would let them know exactly how it is and they can like it or not. And the one that gets mad, well then who said life was all about fun and friends. YOu can get glad in the same pants you were mad in. I would let my husband know that he needs an attitude adjustment and instructions about your role in the family and hubby's expectations. do they treat their mom this way?
well good luck,
L.

I, too, have step-children and I know this is a difficult situation. Until they are 18, all decisions about where they go and when should be made by the adults. They do not have a say. They should not be allowed to make the choices - all scheduling decisions should be between you, your husband, their mother (and their stepfather if there is one).

You should not be made to feel hostage to their demands or turn your life upside down so that you and your husband can play "Disneyland Dad" (aka, the parent who is only allowed to see their children if they plan something fun for them every minute they are there).

Don't feel bad, and don't change your plans, and don't allow them to call the shots. Yes, consider your step-sons, but they also need to learn about consideration and what it means to be a part of a family (it's not about convenience). Families aren't optional, they aren't all about getting your way all the time, and like all relationships they can be work and not terribly fun at times.

You don't have to explain to your six year old why they are never home - make them stay home from time to time. You are the adult - just say no. You get to say whether they go to a friend's house or stay and visit with their family.

I know that all sounds like a tough approach, but it sounds like they have been running the show too much.

Another approach is to try to switch weekends when your husband will be out of town so that he has the opportunity to spend time with him. Also, be sure and discuss your feelings with your husband so that you are on the same page and present a united front. Dad needs to use his influence to stress how important it is that *all* of the family spend time together.

I'm a stepmom to two grown kids, 18 and 20. I've been married to their dad for 12+ years. While we never had quite the dilemma you do, we have had issues. My suggestion is to have a talk with hubby and the kids all together. Explain that, while you love to have them over, you cannot rearrange your schedule all the time to accommodate them. You have only so many hours in the weekend and there are things that you need to get taken care of during that time. Tell them you understand that they have friends they like to spend time with, but if they are going to come to your home they can spend time with you and their siblings. They've got to learn that the world will not always revolve around their every wish.

I also do not think it's too much to ask them to spend just a few minutes of their time playing wiht the half sister. Our daughter (the only one we have together) adores her older brothers and sister.

As a stepmom of a now 31 yr old(f) and 27 yr old (m), I have been there done that. At the time my stepson lived with us, my son was between the age of 1-2. He did not want to spend time with his little brother so we sat him down to talk, Turns out his mom had told him that "our" son was not his brother because she was not the mother. It also turned out she told him that when his dad was not there, he did not have to listen or participate in anything I wanted to do. We immediately had meeting with his mom and then my husband and his ex-wife had discussion with him. Turned out my stepson wanted to do more with his brother (at this time he was 11-12) but because of what his mother had told him, he did not want to "betray" her.

Sit down and let your husband know what is going on..Sit down with the boys and discuss the issue...Talk to the boys mom...

I hope this brings about change for you. My stepchildren are now forging relationships with their brother and sister(our 2 kids 15/9)because they realize that when the parents are gone all they will have is each other.

I haven't read all the responses...but I don't see where YOU should be the one telling the kids about anything.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's YOUR house therefore it's your job to make sure they are ok when they are in the home, but why isn't your husband telling the boys...look...I know you want to see your friends, etc but we have plans...

And why can't you, when you know these boys are going to be at your house and their dad isn't going to be there...run your errands during the week? So that the weekends the boys are there, they have presidence. I wouldn't want my kids missing out on each other...and every other weekend away from the grandparents isn't going to damage the psyche of your girls and I would take the boys with you if you go every time, no negotiations.

I am wondering where these boys started paying the rent...and where they're parents (step included) stopped being in charge of the house.

For the record, I am not a step parent, but my daughter lives with her dad and step mom...she is 15. Her step mom is good person...and I think she loves my daughter very much.

If it were me, I would let them know that they are welcome to come over when their father is not there, but that they will not be spending every waking moment at their friend's house. You will let them go over there when it's convenient, but it won't be an all day thing and you can't tell them in advance how much time it will be or when it will be. You have things you have to do and you're not going to schedule your errands around the time they spend with their friend.

I'm curious, what does your husband say about them always going over to the friend's house? Do they do that when he is home?

My daughter loves to go to our neighbor's house and would be over there 24/7 if we would let her. When it's a choice of staying home with us and her little brother or going over there, we know where we stand. :-)LOL We don't, however, just let her go over there whenever she wants. When we don't have any plans to go anywhere and we're not doing anything that I want her to be a part of, we let her go, but only for a reasonable amount of time.

My kids get upset when they don't get their way too, but such is life. When they are at your house, it's your rules. If they don't like it, they don't have to come over. It's too bad they don't want spend time with their sisters, but if they want to spend any time at all with their friend, they will soon learn the art of compromise.

Good luck!

I have a 9 yr old step son...he's with us every other week (joint custody). He is at the age where he wants to spent lots of time with his friends and we let him. But he is not always at their house. They have to come over here too...I'd say it's about 50/50 most of the time. We do allow him to spend lots of time with friends because the weeks he's at his moms, he has no (or very few) friends there. And so far she hasn't been good at initiating play dates for him.

I think it's also important for you to spend time with the boys without their sisters, whether together or one at a time. I take my step-son to the movies (just the two of us) or to eat or run and errand...but I make it fun!

Anyway, my point is that friends are important but so is family. I think you and your husband should sit down with them to talk about it. They need to know that even though they are boys and understandably would rather be with other boys, they do need to spend some time with their little sisters. Their sisters likely look up to them and love their big brothers. Schedule family time (in the house as well as outings) so that they have to be with you guys. Then also let them have some time for their friends. It is a compromise and they need to know that. Just make sure you and your husband are on the SAME PAGE!!!

Good luck!

I don't have any experience with this except that my parents were divorced, & I had to go visit my dad on every other weekend.

My only advice would be to sit them down & talk with them with your DH & explain why they are coming to stay with ya'll. Remind them that they are still a part of your family, and that requires family time. Yes, they can go visit their friends occassionally, but the majority of their time must be spent with ya'll. I would also tell them that they can pick one family thing to do for the weekend such as go to the zoo, laser tag, Main Event, etc.

The only thing opinion about their relationship with their sisters is to keep trying to show that they are family, too. It may come one day that the girls grow up & realize that their brothers don't really want to be family with them. Then it will be the girls' decision on how they want to pursue the relationship.

This is just my opinion, & I hope everything works out for you guys.

hi! i have 3 step kids of my own. Although they live in Nebraska so we dont get to see them as often as yu see yours. But i can relate to your situation. I Think that you and your husband need to sit down and lay out some ground rules for when his boys come over. You are right when you say you shouldnt have to stop your plans for them. Chidren now days expect to get what they want when they want, and that is not how it should be. YThe boys should spend time with the girls, even if its an hour a day, and maybe you should limit their time with their friend. Sounds like they only want to come over if they can go to thier house. That is not fair to you, your husban, and your girls. My oldest is 6 too, and when my step kids come over she does not want to be seperated from them. I know how hard it is to lay down the rules when you are not their mother, maybe your husband needs to express the rules to them, and let them know htat when he is away, the rules will be the same. It is jsut as easy not to let them come over on those weekends, since they seem to be able to come over often. Maybe you could get errands done earlier in the week, so you can spend quality time with them as a family, maybe let them pick what your family does, and that way they will not excited to be with you doing what they want, and wont miss their friend. jsut some thoughts. Hope it helps, and good luck!!!

A.

I don't have step-kids, but noted you have a big age gap in the two sets. That's always going to be an issue.

Like the others suggested set up family time. And they are your family, so they're part of the deal, even visiting your mom is part of the family thing.

But teens are at an age where you start not doing things together, so it's totally normal for them to stay home while you and the others go off somewhere else. Tell them the rules for being alone. If you trust them, they are plenty old enough to be on their own, so you don't have to change all your plans and lug them around to places they don't want to go.

Give them some other family things too... like have them help plan dinner for the next time they're there and then have them help cook it. Do the same with your own and then maybe they can have a night where the teens and the 6 year old make dinner for everyone.