Staying in Someone's House

If he offered you other accomodations I would think maybe he is not comfortable with that long of a stay. I myself would get a hotel or the university room. then you ca come and go as you please without disripting them.

My family gets very offended when we stay at hotels. They love hosting us but we feel like we are making life hard for them, not because we feel like their house is not worthy (but that's how they see it).

So it goes like this, I'm trying really hard to accept them hosting us and trying to remind myself that they don't mind.

The problem is, no one is going to say, "Yeah, it's too much for us, we'd rather you not be here." You should be able to determine that from who they are. From there, if they would love to have you, stay with them and just be good guest by keeping clean. Don't cook, clean their ovens, pay for stuff if staying short term, it's kind of rude. Bring them a host gift if you plan on spending some money. Flowers, fruit (in my family) or something you know they would like.

I don't like to stay with people unless I'm sure they want me there and not just being nice and complying with my request. This is only a few close relatives.

I would plan your vacation and save the money you will need to take it. You can find very modest accomodations at a very reasonable price, especially if you book online and do some research.

I think by offering you an alternative location, he is subtly telling you they do not want to be disrupted for so long, and I don't blame them.

3 people staying in one room is too much for 4 nights. This isnt' family. Is this a vacation? If so, not an emergency. He has twice "reminded" you that you will have to all stay in one smallish sounding room or now he's offering other accomodations. I get the sense he is not excited about you all staying there. I would be annoyed if friends wnated to take a vacation at my expense in a way. Not monetary so much as inconvenience. It doesn't sound like he has a big place. And you invited yourselves... You put him on the spot and he's being gracious but I think hoping you stay elsewhere. Again - he is not family. My mother always says if you can't afford to pay for lodging on your vacation, stay home.

Don't let your relatives' opinions cloud this issue. If you get another accommodation, that's not necessarily looking down on his home. I think what the friend is saying is that you can come but he only has this one room available. What I might do is get the other room at least for half the time. Then say, "Thank you for the offer. We have made x other arrangements but can we see you when we are in town?" and perhaps offer him dinner. I think his offering you other options is trying to nicely say that 4 days is too long.

I also suspect we are dealing with cultural differences. Is your friend from California originally and would have the same POV as you when it comes to hosting? I would not be offended if a friend didn't stay with me to see DC, but if they were a good friend, I'd be bummed not to see them at all when they are in town.

When planning a trip, we plan on staying at a hotel that fits our budget. We save the money we need and go on the trip. It sounds to me like this plan to go to Cali hasn't been well planned out for the comfort of your family and your host's family.

If you stay at a hotel, a hotel room isn't a large space either. My guess is something else is going on here. Staying 4 days isn't a long stay but you go from staying 4 days to "if I live there for so long, I plan to help them with the bills, food and toilet papers". This gives me pause and makes me think you are planning to move to Cali. If you are planning on moving, I would strongly suggest saving at least one year of living expenses to thrive in California which is much different than living in Arizona.

Either way it would be best for all involved that you saved more money and planned out a comfortable, money worries free vacation or move.

It would be more rude if you tried to help your friend pay bills, Mowmow. Staying for 4 nights is not "so long". You're overthinking this too much. Typically, the guest takes the host out for dinner one night during the stay as a thank you gesture. If that's too expensive, then buying the groceries in order for you to prepare dinner for the at home is acceptable. What is NOT appropriate is for you to do the week's grocery shopping for them.

You aren't going to bankrupt them by sleeping in a room in their house for 4 nights and using 2 rolls of toilet paper.

Be quiet guests at night, take short showers, make up the room every morning and keep your stuff packed away and neat. Try to get out of the house everyday. Wash the breakfast dishes. (Don't let your husband sit on his rear - get him involved so that you aren't doing all of the work.)

About your SWH, Mowmow...
No, it is not considered rude to ask to stay with a friend in their house. There are people who never have friends come stay because they don't have friends come visit their city. Some people won't have friends come because they aren't comfortable with it, and this is what you are seeing here on this thread. Not that American culture says it's rude.

Your friend was being honest that you could come but would need to share a room. As long as you are okay with that, then it's fine. And I have to tell you that I have shared a room with my husband and TWO kids for more vacations than I can count. There's nothing wrong with you doing it for 4 nights.

Don't cancel your trip.

I have had friends ask to stay at my house for a night or two when they were coming through town to another stop; coming for a holiday or event; for vacation; etc.

It has never insulted me - I am always flattered that they want to stay with me and spend time with us. I know that it saves them money, and I enjoy being their "hostess" for a few days.

If your friend has invited you to stay at his house, then do so. Doris Day had a lovely answer for you and good suggestions on how to be an appreciative guest.

You could also, on your last day there, leave them a thank you note with a gift card for a place of amusement or a restaurant for them to enjoy after you are gone.

Go, enjoy your trip, and enjoy your friends !!

We had a family stay here last year because their house was under repair from a bad storm. I had my child sleep in my other child's room and I gave them my daughter's room for the week. They made the bed every am and put their dirty clothes in a lg bag and left them in the corner of the room. I went out every morning and got bagels and tea. They paid for the breakfasts. At night, we all watched a movie together. They took us out to dinner 2 of the 5 nights.

I enjoyed the company. I hope it works out well for your family and that you enjoy your stay.

Stay half the time with them and the other half elsewhere, that way you get to enjoy their hospitality, as well as have some family time in perhaps a more comfortable setting.

are you going on vacation? and then just realized that your money is too tight and you need to use their home as a free hotel? if that's the case, wow, VERY rude of you. if you're going for a funeral or some other type of emergent travel in which you HAVE to go, and planning ahead financially just isn't/wasn't an option, i can see that... so, i'll answer differently based on those two options..

1. vacation - if you can't comfortably afford lodging, you don't need to be going on a vacation - save a little longer until you can. i cannot even IMAGINE asking to stay with someone on a vacation that was clearly planned ahead of asking and the intent was not solely to visit that family. this person has TWICE mentioned another place, to me, that means he'd like you to stay there and not with him.

2. emergency/funeral - only you know JUST how tight your budget is. if you just can't afford a place(why not an inexpensive hotel? why does it have to be a university room????), stay with the friend. if a friend called with something of that nature, i'd open up my home for a few nights, no questions asked. and i'd never take money for staying with me.

People who get offended when people don't want to stay with them are foolish. I hate staying with people because my husband's snoring can rip the roof off. So I hate to stay with anyone.

Do whatever works best for you. It's our vacation. Enjoy it. Just tell your friend that you found some extra money. And I think it's nice to do a shopping trip for them if you do decide to stay. Personally, I'd stay somewhere cheap and be on my own. I would not want to be on vacation and have to worry about flushing the toilet in the middle of the night.

Staying in a university guest room is NOT looking down on their home. In fact, I'd see it as being considerate of their limited space. I suggest you're over thinking this. Do what seems best for your family. Sounds like your friends will welcome you either way.

I might look at the alternative suggestion as a polite way of suggesting that you do stay at the university. I might ask them which would be best for them.

After your SWH: Whether or not you ask to stay with someone depends on how good of friends you are. If you don't know them very well, then it may be considered poor etiquette. I suggest that it's everyone's responsibility to be honest. If you ask and they say OK then it's OK even if they don't really want you there. It's their responsibility to say no. I would not say I was going to stay. I'd be sure to ask if it's OK.

I'm confused by you saying if you stay there so long, it's not right to stay for an extended period of time with someone unless they've invited you to stay. We do not ask to move in with someone. And, it may be considered rude to offer to pay for bills, food, etc. even for a short visit. It's best to just give them some money if they'll accept it. If they won't then it's good to give them a gift. It's common to give them flowers, wine, or something they wouldn't ordinarily buy for themselves. It's also good to take them out to dinner while you're staying there.

I suggest that it's best to be open and honest when in a country with a different culture than yours. Just say what is acceptable in your culture and ask if that's OK with them. Ask what they'd like to have you do. For example: "We're wanting to come to your town. Would it be OK if we stayed with you for 3 or 4 days. Please say no if it's not convenient."
And then include them in your plans. Treat it as a visit with them.

I do think it's rude to treat another family as if their home was a hotel. If your intent is to be a tourist and not to visit with them, then it's not right to ask to stay with them unless you tell them that and they say it's OK.

Is the family a friend of all of yours? Do you and the wife get along? I would NOT save the thank you card/gift until the last D.. I would stay with them but make sure to buy groceries for the entire 2 families for daily breakfast, lunch and dinner top include snacks...

Stay out of their way, but do invite them to join you for dinner on eof the nights (YOUR TREAT).

Friends stay with friends. You are just fine. They said you could come. If they didn't really want you to come they would have made some excuses. They have said you'll have to sleep in the study so be prepared to be out in the open part of the house most of the time.

People do this sort of stuff all the time.

BUT my wealthy friend, the one who grew up in California with a governess and nanny, would never stay with anyone, ever. She thinks it's totally rude to even consider sleeping on someone else's beds. She has never spent the night at a friends house on a vacation or trip. Her mom was a Vogue model and her dad was an entrepreneur. He invested a lot of money in movies and projects. They were quite well off and "elite".

I imagine you will have a good time with this family. I suggest that you stay out a lot if possible so that you won't be around all the time in their space. That's what wears out a visit, in my opinion, is those people always being right there, in my face, when I'd like to be in my undies drinking a cup of hot cocoa in the morning...lol. So spend time out of the house. That way they'll still feel their privacy and enjoy your visit.

In America, it is not looking down on them to stay in their guest house - rather it is an honor. There may be a cost to them, so you can ask that, but they are treating you well!