I am a part-time student and full-time SAHM for 3 young boys, ages 7, 3, and 10 months. Yesterday, I discovered my husband put a time tracker on the computer. The day before, he was upset because he came home and the downstairs living room was such a mess with toys and clean laundry he couldn't easily walk across it, and I was on the computer instead of cleaning it up. He knew we had spent time playing at a friend's house (1-1/2 hours, and it was the first play date in over a month) and said he wished HE could just play all day.
What he didn't see was the dishes and 3 loads of laundry that were done, the 2 hours of homework I had completed during the baby's nap, the cleaned-up kitchen, the 15 minutes I had spent triple salting the driveway and sidewalks so he could drive up our steep driveway and get in the house without killing himself, and carrying in 2 sleeping children from the car before sitting down at the computer for less than 5 minutes before he came home.
He accused me of spending WAY too much time on the computer. Hence the tracker.
I called him on his cell phone to chew him out and, at first, he lied about the reason it was on there and then accused me of lying about how much time I spent on the computer (he said it said I was on for 20 minutes, but I hadn't even been in the house nearly that long). Even if I had, would it matter? Is it not enough that our children are happy and well cared-for, that he has clean laundry and dishes, home-cooked meals, and a stocked fridge? Should it matter that I didn't also pick up the living room before taking a break?
He also said the tracker told him there was one day I was on for 7 hours. That is not even possible! I wouldn't have been able to do ANYTHING ELSE at all that day, and trust me, I do plenty.
Before I saw the tracker yesterday, I had taken our oldest to school, shopped at Costco, played with the little ones at Creative KidStuff, put the baby down for a nap, fed everyone the appropriate meals and snacks, cleaned the kitchen and both bathrooms, and made bread. The tracker was like a slap in the face.
I am beyond furious! What right does he have to question how I spend my time and then spy on me? I don't grill him on how he spends every minute of his day and whether it was spend productively. He's an adult. I treat him like one. Don't I deserve the same respect?
I do admit that the house is not always as picked up as it should be, and SOMETIMES I spend more time on the computer than usual, BUT the kids are always my top priority and sometimes playing, enjoying my children, and taking advantage of quiet time is more important than a perfectly clean house.
Mamas, what would you do???
ADDED LATER
I HAVE told him everything I did/do. I even typed it out for him. This isn't the first time he has questioned how wisely I spend my time, but he overstepped WAY too many boundaries this time and I let him have it! It really doesn't matter what I say. He is so fixated on how much time I spend on the computer and convinced that he is right that I'm not sure what I can do to change his mind. Funny thing, the night before last I had brought up how he ALWAYS has to be right and throws a fit if he doesn't have his own way. He's only proving my point in his efforts to prove me wrong.
Thanks for all of your advice! It's nice to know I'm not off-base in my feelings.
95% of the time, he is a great husband and awesome father, but this the second time in a matter of months that he has made a really stupid mistake.
He does watch the kids when I need to get out, even though that's usually only for grocery shopping. Today, he took care of the baby while I took the older ones to a pizza party, then all of the kids while I attempted to work on homework and went to a movie with friends. He's especially helpful when he know he's in trouble. =)
I have my own computer that he bought me for school, and I will now use that a bulk of the time. I changed the password on my computer and e-mail accounts, just in case he wants to invade my privacy a little more.
He has 2 strikes. One more and he's out, and he won't be allowed back until HE is ready to give me the respect I deserve and go to counseling. I'm not going to push for counseling at the moment because it won't do any good if HE doesn't want to do it. He has been warned. I made it very clear that I won't put up with this anymore.
He has never been a good communicator. Whenever I try to sit down and calmly talk things out, he views it as a personal attack and gets defensive. I will continue to do my best to communicate anyway, and he can either learn to deal with it or get his third strike.
Anyway, thanks again mamas.
I would buy my own computer (a laptop) with his credit card and set up a password to keep him locked out of it. Then he can keep track of his own darn self on his own computer!!!
You got lots of great responses and I just wanted to chime in and say I agree w/ everyone. He definitely has a control issue. If my hubby accused me of not doing anything and spending all day on the internet that would be the beginning of the end for me. I agree w/ the mom that said just QUIT doing all you do and let things pile up and then see what he says. I'd totally do that to prove my point. I SAH too and have 3 kids under age 6 so my house is never the cleanest, there is a bit of a clutter problem that I try to keep some kind of control of, but w/ 3 little ones it's impossible to have a perfect house. I'm so angry for you!!! I wish you lots of luck in dealing w/ this situation, I'm glad you're not going to put up with it.
My first reaction is to QUIT doing all you do every day. By day three of no clean dishes, no clean clothes, no clean house, no meal waiting for him upon his arrival home, nothing in the refrigerator, etc, I can only believe that his perception will change -- DRAMATICALLY.
Aside from that, however, I cannot believe his current behavior is an initial reaction to these feelings he is dealing with. While his actions are clearly wrong and out of line, I have to assume that he has raised his concerns about how your time is spent in the past as this seems like a very drastic step to take right out of the gate. This in no way excuses his horrible behavior but I would think that you two really need to sit down and discuss both of your feelings. I know there was a point that my husband questioned what I did every day when I was a stay at home mother. After some heart felt conversation, I realized that he was simply feeling cheated and left out of a part of our children's lives that I had every day access to. His way of dealing with it was a rather petty one (like your husband putting the tracker on your computer). MAYBE, some real conversation will uncover the root of your husbands behavior and open the door to better ways in which to deal with whatever he is feeling.
Wow... I can see why you're furious! Nothing like an electronic tracking device to make you feel like you're not trusted! It sounds like you do PLENTY around the house, so his response seems almost irrational. And YES you deserve the same respect!!!
My best thought is to have a sit-down conversation. Sometime when the kids are sleeping or not home, and when you're both not actively angry. Find out what it is that's bothering him that made him decide to do that. Does he have certain expectations when he gets home? Are you willing/able to meet those expectations? Should you two discuss NEW expectations for him? Are there other things bothering him outside of your home? Is he exerting control over the house because he feels he can control that but can't control whatever is really bothering him? Maybe a discussion will reveal other concerns, and if you're both calm and not yelling, you can get to the heart of the matter and work toward a resolution.
GOOD LUCK. I can't imagine it will be an easy conversation, but obviously SOMETHING is wrong. Better to talk about it than to have him keep on with this kind of stuff.
All I can say is OMG. Who does he think he is? You married him because you loved him not so you could have two fathers. Could he be any more unappreciative of what you do. I'm a STAH and if my husband ever thought of doing something like that he would start getting a bill for my services. Lets see what is our titles as STAH Chef, nurse
laundress, seamstress, teacher, referee, chauffer, mom, wife, gardner, and I'm sure I'm leaving out a few. Have him sit down and add up those salaries. He doesn't have enough to replace you. In a way yes we are not replacable and if he thinks he could do better have him give it a try. When he takes vacation have him take over the house you go out everyday volunteer somewhere or something and make sure it's a busy week school, Dr. appt, playdates.etc. he might change his tune. These kinds of behaviors is what can destroy a family and set bad examples for our children because children do pick-up on alot more than we think they do. He needs to really sit back and do an assessment on himself. I'm furious for you! Stay strong and good luck. We are here to support you.
I would show your husband your posting. Is he serious? Then as a gift I would give him a journal. Tell him since you can't follow him all day you would like him to put EVERYTHING he does in the journal, you write in the time increments i.e 10am, 10:30 etc. Then tell him when he brings it home you will go through it and rate his activities, if they are of any value. Also while he is out working he gets to socialize with grown ups, move about freely and come home to 3 lovely kids a great wife, clean clothes and a home cooked meal. In reality you shouldn't even have to defend yourself, but he needs his eyes to be made wide open. A. B
If I were you I would give the hubby a nice surprise by having a close and trusted male relative sitting in the passenger seat of the car with a sign on their shirt that says "Husband Tracker" on it. Then the relative can tell your hubby that he was bought to keep track of where he goes and how long he is there for kind of like what he does to you with the computer. I bet your hubby will want to rethink his actions then.
All I can say is what an major A@@hole! sorry if this offends some ladies.. but hey... he is...
Give him the list of your everyday chores you do including shopping. Get up early Saturday morning, the time he would leave for work. Kiss him goodbye and come home at his normal return time. Maybe do this every saturday for a while. Or ask him to take a few days off of work, and have him do it during school days.
My husband was the SAHD for our 5 girls before I started staying home 2 1/2 years ago. He never ever ever says ANYTHING about the state of the house if it happens to be messy. He understands becuase he did it.
He did what?!! His action is wrong on so many levels, I don't know where to begin (please show him this response). First of all, he is your husband, not your father. Ask him if he would prefer if you think of him like your dad instead of ... well he'll get the picture. O.K., now that we've gotten that out of our systems, let's look at this productively. He needs to calmly look inside himself and ask what is motivating his resentment of your role as a stay-home mom. Have you ever sat down together and divided family responsibilities in list form - perhaps he needs to take over a few of these (even if only temporarily)or look into the cost of hiring someone to perform your duties to appreciate their true value. Both of you need to approach the solution with mutual love and respect as adults, and you'll work this one out ;).
I agree with AL , he is an A@@hole!!....so what if the play room was untidy , it's a play room , it's supposed to be!!! This tracker he has put on the computer , does it kick in when you log into a website or does it track how long the computer is left on? My guess is that if you leave the computer on sleep mode then it tracks as though it is being used , therefore saying you have been on for 7 hrs....it's a good job your hubby isn't married to me , he'd have a heart attack , my computer is on sleep mode 24/7!!!
well been there did that...do not ever feel like you have to explain every move you make thru your day-sounds like hubby is a total control freak-what is he doing to make him distrust you?? my hubby pulled this also-well then i really did nothing-no computers back then 28 yrs ago-plus i worked 2 jobs..so when i wasnt working i devoted all my time to the kids-house was in shambles for 2 weeks-drove me crazy-but i held my ground-he got the hint real fast.after that he cooked his own food washed his own clothes etc.we were divorced eventually.but you should never have to explain your every move or justify your actions-burn his cookies-get a laptop-dont tell him.
I don't mean to be disrespectful here but HE HAS ALOT OF ISSUES!!
Are you kidding me? He seriously does this? Oh no honey, that would not fly with me.
I'm mad for you !! ;)
Sounds like this guy has a lot of issues--control, for O.--that are WAY bigger than this. He needs counseling. Outside of his "job" how wisely does he spend HIS time? Does he pitch in and help around the house? He should. We all know it's WAY easier to go to a "job from 8-5 than to be home with kids AND go to school. Tell him you'll switch with him.
Hi C.! I have to agree with Karen T. It sounds like he may have some issues with the computer and it trying to shift the blame.
My friend's husband put a tracker on their computer and told her it was because he thought she was having an affair(kinda odd b/c she was 8 months pregnant) and blamed her for a lot of things. It turned out HE was having an affair and was trying place the guilt on my friend so he could feel better about his actions.
Tell him to get rid of the tracker NOW. Tell him it doesn't matter what he thinks, you are an adult and deserve to be treated with respect. Ask him how much time he spends on the internet. Ask him to log his minutes and what sites he visits and who he is chatting with or contacting. Ask him how he would like being controlled like that.
My heart goes out to you! You obviously are a fantastic mom and wife! You deserve respect and honor.
hi, my english is not that great.... 1st ignore him, because u do plenty. 2nd when he calms down and like another mom said ...when the kids are asleep or u have some free time which i know will be very rare,but give him a piece of paper let him put his anger out in writing to let u know ..what he says u dont do, and what would he like. then u are going to write on the paper what u did that day, taking for example this certain day that you wrote us for help, let him know all you did that day, drive way, laundry, dishes..etc,,just like u did with us, but do it soon while that day is still fresh in his memory so u can tell him ...did u see the drive way clean, yep that was me...did you see all the clean cloths in the living room..yep i wash all OUR cloths and the clean kitchen too. becouse sometimes if u are talking but yelling and angry YOU DONT LISTEN TO EACH OTHER, BECOUSE EVERY ONE WANTS TO GET THEIR POINT ACROSS AND NO ONE IS LISTENING. and if that does not help. put him for one day in your shoes, let him stay all day with the kids , leave him to do 3 loads of laundry, dishes ,home work...see if he rather be only doing one thing...work than all u do!!!!! hope everything turns out ok, take care ...PUERTO RICAN,, living in TEXAS.
Is there any way to just leave the computer on and let it have lots of hours on the tracker? I think I would try this to show him his silly TRACKER don't work the way he wants it to. I think you deserve a break since you sound like a very diligent mom. I take my breaks at my computer, I just sit there for a few minutes at a time. It is my way of unwinding
I agree with everyone that the tracker has to go. I'm not so sure it's because he is doing something wrong and is trying to shift blame to you. I think it is possible that he is just really stressed out by clutter and disorder. Ask him about that -- try to have a real conversation with him instead of just being angry about the computer.
If he is stressed out by clutter, can you make a deal that when he comes home, one room (the living room, or the kitchen, or whichever room he walks into first) will be straightened up? His part of the deal would be to respect your work as a mother and to trust that you also did tons of other things each day.
And back to the computer -- ask him if he works solid throughout his entire day, without a break. Does he skip lunch each day, and keep working? Does he never talk to colleagues about non-work-related subjects? Does he never visit a fun, non-work-related website for a breather?
You need a break. You also need respect and trust. Find out what he needs.
I hope you update us in a few weeks to let us know how things are going.
