Split Custody / Dreading Holidays

What always helped me was if I was doing something for my daughter while she was at her father's. When she was gone for Thanksgiving, I did Christmas shopping and wrapping. When she was gone for Christmas, I would paint her bedroom or clean the playroom or make cookies. I remember some as more lonely than others but it does get easier if you can get into a routine so that you have something planned to do. I am so sorry you are going through this, the holidays are very hard.

If you are close to your family, you should be able to reach out to them and let them know how lonely and lost you are without your daughter. Spread it around, don't visit with the same family member consecutive times she is out of town, but make plans to visit or take your neices and nephews to the park for an afternoon, etc. Offer to do errands with an older relative - babysit for date night with those that have young children. Make sure that you do some of the same things when your daughter is with you so that she isn't missing out on bonding with your family. Most of all don't let your daughter get the impression that you are home playing the martyr while she is gone. She shouldn't feel guilty when she goes to spend time with her father. This means you have to be convincingly upbeat when helping her prepare for visits and during the pick up/drop off exchanges. It is easy to let yourself slip into morose despair at the holidays when everything family related is now so different. You have to make a conscious choice NOT to let that happen. Best to you and your daughter.

I feel for your situation. I have to split holidays with my daughter's father. She is almost two. Thanksgiving is hte first major holiday that i will be without her. i'm already dreading it. but i know she's in good hands. thankfully my boyfriend's family has accepted me, and included me in their family things. but, it will still be hard without her. i just try to still have fun and do the things i'd normally be doing, and try to stay happy knowing that she will be having a good time at her daddy's. and it gives me the little bit of adult time that i need.

Maybe just do what you would do if you didnt have a child. Ask some of your childless friends what they do over the holidays. Take the down time without dear daughter to do something that you just normally can't do when she's with you. You are in charge of how you handle the separation, you can choose to mope and be depressed and feel sorry for yourself OR you can go have fun and keep yourself busy and enjoy it as a little bit of freedom without having to be quite as responsible. If you do something fun while she's gone you have a good story to tell her when she gets back home instead of making her feel sorry for you that you sat at home alone all sad.

It's tough but you learn to deal with it. It never gets easier but it's a part of life. When my girls had to go to their in laws for the Holiday's I would pamper myself and do things that I normally wouldn't do with them home. I kept my self busy to make the time go faster. Waking up Christmas morning without my babies at home was the hardest but I waited until Christmas morning to wrap their presents to put under the tree. I made special bows, etc. for their presents. Then I made special homemade treats for them. After that I took a bubble bath and sat and watched out the window for them to come home. One year I bought special hair bows and ribbons for them and had one on each of their Christmas presents instead of the regular Christmas bows. They loved it. After the first couple of years doing this we moved to Florida and I had to go to Michigan every Christmas with them. They went to their in laws all but one day when we were up there and it was even a lot harder. But you will survive and your daughter will remember every Holiday she did get to spend with you. Don't get down in the dumps because she will pick up on it and then it ruins the Holiday's for both of you. I know how you feel and it is hard but be strong for her. Good Luck and God Bless....

"The Holidays" are so overrated. As far as I'm concerned it is just a moneymaker for retail and it is stupid that people put such emphasis on a couple of days out of the year! Don't feel bad, go to a movie, get a good book, or do some scrapbooking. Find time to be by yourself. It's important to be your own best friend!

Besides the suggestions from the other moms on doing all the pampering and travelling, I've also learned to celebrate certain things on our time. My son goes to visit his dad for the week between Christmas & going back to school every year. But his dad just has a second Christmas and when he gets back, we have a 2nd New Years. I record the countdown, we have sparkling apple cider and celebrate.

You definitely should try to stay busy, try to take some time to do something that you usually can't do but don't let dates on a calendar keep you from enjoying a holiday tradition with your daughter.

Shop, bake, visit, wrap gifts, volunteer - whatever you need to do to keep busy. What you don't do is turn the time into a pity party and try to make your daughter feel guilty about time with her dad. Look at the time as an opportunity to do your own things, too. I share a grandson with his mother and her family. We have half the holidays; they have half. We try to be supportive and to remember that they love the child as much as we do. While he is with us, we plan things that he enjoys, and when he goes to his "other" home, we are cheerful and supportive. Use your time alone to get chores out of the way so that you can spend the hours with your daughter on those things you both enjoy.

This is the reason why mothers need to fight for their natural right to raise their own children. It is wrong to do to you.

My sister is newly divorced with split custody. She lives 500 miles from any of our family so every holiday without the kids she just goes it alone, or travels to come see us. Family is family. In my opinion, if you have family close by, reach out. NO one, especially if you are close to your family, will want to know you are alone during any holiday. We even offer to help her pay for gas just so she won't have to be alone. Don't be afraid to reach out.
Jen M.
Mom to 3 boys ages 6, 4, and 2

it was hard as heck on me at first, but over time it's gotten easier, i used to just go hang all day with the family and try to just forget about it, but now, i see it as my chance to get away..when i was single, i took advantage of the holiday kid free and would round up the girls and head out of town for the weekend just for some r&r, that made it fun. now that i'm re-married my husband and i plan little vacations (on a quest to do things i've never done and go where i've never gone-lived a very enclosed life) so i take advantage of the holiday's without to travel where most everyone is NOT. i hate how the holiday's have gotten so commercialized, so we just get away and have a good time just us :)

Listen sweetie- you have to get a life. If you are alone when your child leaves, then I , well personally I think that is too much pressure on your daughter.
My husband, who loved loved loved the holidays was killed. I am telling you this so you know that I know what I am talking about- I ignored them for a bit, then made new traditions with friends, and took the time to do somethings I'd had no time for- go to a movie and eat all the popcorn I wanted w/ no one watching. Interesting group there for the first movie of the day. Then taking a look at what would I like to do- all discovery.
Trust me- this is all better than feeling sorry for your self, and making, possibly, your daughter feel badly.
best, k