Spitting and "I Hate You"

One of my sons did this when he was about that age. The most important thing was to not let it get to me. You need to be sure that you don't take it personally. Try not to react, just respond. I would just calmly tell him that he seemed to feel really angry with me, but that, although I was disappointed, I still loved him anyway, and that when he was ready, I would love a nice hug from him. Nine times out of ten, I didn't even get out of the room before he would start to cry and say, "no, Mommy, I really do love you! Don't leave!" If you can continue to stay calm, and simply love him, even when he least appears to deserve it, it will end - not right away, but it will end. Getting angry or confrontational with him will only cause him further upset and confusion.

I can't really comment on why he's doing it - my son was likely responding to the difficulty my husband and I were having in our marriage (we ended up divorcing eventually). But, frankly, it could just be an 'age' thing. As a foster parent for many years, I generally preferred not to have 4yr olds - they're definitely difficult! My son is now 29 yrs old, and is such a sweet, sensitive, loving man - he is a true light in my life!! Best of luck with your little man......

Hi For the spitting I gave time outs. The "I hate you' I think it is pretty normal but still not nice and inappropriate. When my son said that at 4 I would say, I am sorry you feel that way. I love you." and then I would walk away. He is now 6 and has nothing but love for me and he is able to vent his frustration with me in a more mature way.

I used "1-2-3 Magic" by Dr Thomas Phelan with great success with both my children and my daycare. I would pay attention to any media he may be exposed to. TV/movies, music. Children are like sponges they see and hear everything. A simple conversation between 2 people in another room, a store, on the radio, older child ...endless possiblities. You need to express what is acceptable and not, let him know actions have consquences and follow through-every time. Very important that both parents/partners/family in his life are on the same page when it comes to dicipline.

We use soap in the mouth for spitting and it only happened twice hr doesn't like the taste of soap

When my daughter was a toddler she did the same thing. Especially when she was mad. I really don't know where she learned it because I have never told my kids that I hate them. Anyway, I always replied with love. I remained calm and said "well thats too bad because I love you so much" and I woudl hug her. As for spitting, I think she has only done that a few times. I always told her that it was gross and I never showed her that I was intimidated and I never laughed. I simply washed my hand or just said that was so gross and ignored it. I hope this works for you. Good luck.

D., it has been my experience (mother of 3) that kids will do whatever it takes to get a response out of their parents. I had a friend who 'hot sauced' her son whenever he spit. But she later told me that her son soon began to like hot sauce! I told my son (5yrs.)that I would not tolerate spitting in my house, and that spitting was for the ball field. I also informed him that every time he spit at home, he would lose a toy/activity of my choice. That worked for me. Some parents suggest that you just ignore it...because if you stop reacting to it, he'll stop doing it. Good Luck ~ R.

Asserting independence is what you are seeing. The only way a child can learn how to assert him/herself is by testing the waters. Actually, the easiest way to get a reaction is to keep it close to home and "hurt" people who are safe to the child.
The best reaction to this behavior is by stating that it hurts mommy when you say/do this and ignore the child. Another way is to give someone else all of your attention even if it is a dog.
With a child this reaction only takes a short time for a change of behavior.
Good Luck
G.