"Spirited" AKA DIFFICULT Toddlers, I Don't Know That I Can Do This Again......

My son is 3 and acts like this to a tee. I actually had to go on a anti depressant to help me because he can be such a nightmare sometimes. My husband and I have decided to not have any more children. If my 3 year old was a much better behaved child, I probably would go for number two.. I dont know. I just want to let you know that I know how it is!

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I was a nanny for a few spirited children (spirited in the way you describe, not euphemistic for bratty) and there were some very challenging days.

I'm not sure what to say, other than this: those children in particular are now a delight. Two of them I'm relatively close to. The eldest one is a lovely young woman and is off to university with a full academic scholarship; the other is around fifteen, a joy to be around and very self-motivated both academically as well as within her chosen pursuits. A very high-needs toddler has become a lovely second-grader recently. All this to say, I have hope for your boys, and I hope you do too.

Lastly, consider going to a counselor again, just for a while, for support for yourself and your husband, if need be. Parenting is a monumental task and what you describe does need to be honored and respected as very difficult and challenging work. Is there a parenting support service or center in your area? Sometimes, this is a great place to connect with other parents who are going through the same exact things, and to get feedback or ideas.

Sending you hugs.... please know, every day, it will get better.

I've so been there and probably worse. I was the parent that everyone looked at like "what is wrong with that child?!?" (But I knew what was wrong with her and it was no one eles's business...so I am the first to say that no one should judge what they see at face value because they may have no clue.) That said...a few things saved my sanity.... first and foremost...research your area to see if they have "playcare." which is hourly drop-in-daycare. Here in Dallas, we have AdventureKids, and I am the first person to say that AdventureKids changed my life, literally! I flat out quit taking my daughter to do most errands with me at about 2 1/2 -3 1/2...it is so much easier to do that stuff alone And, I didn't have to schedule sitters that way.

A few other tips that I picked up from the play therapist... give your child a ton of nurturing. He's trying to get to you in the kitchen because he wants to be with you. He's at a significant attachment age (research "attachment parenting" for some hints on that), and he's wanting that connection to you. Can you sit with him a few undivided minutes (even set a timer) before going to the kitchen so that he has that need met and can give you some space? It will give him security which will help calm him.

Either quit going to sit down restaurants with the kids or go to ones that immediately start bringing food (Olive Garden, Cheesecake Factory, Mexican, etc) to keep then interested. When the kids get fussy, take them out of the restaurant. I always go somewhere where it's going to go fast with continual food (and let her bring in a quiet toy) and pull out my credit card as soon as the food is served to have the check paid so that I can leave as soon as I sense the "well behaved" window is closing.

Leave when behavior is inappropriate. I've carried a screaming, flailing child out of everyplace from retail stores to McDonald's to the swimming pool, GIve them a warning that if they do not stop a behavior or do a behavior that you are gong to have to leave, and then do so. Now, I've often only carried her as far as the car where I put her in and let her have a screaming fit while I stood outside the car casually reading emails or sat inside the car totally ignoring the tantrum by doing something else. Once the tantrum subsides, do not return to the activity...just assure your child that you still love them and drive away. from the activity. n

Finally, children draw calmness and security from adults' strength. As frustrating as all of this is, you have to remain as calm and non-emotional in your speech and actions as possible. The more upset you get, the more insecure they feel and the more it will spiral downward. It's amazing how much that helps in keeping them calm. And, if they are driving you crazy, it works best to talk less to them because sometimes our talking is just our own manifestation of our anxieties. If you are at the end of your rope, tell them "I am not going to be around this behavior right now" and take yourself to your own room and lie down for a few minutes for your own time out. Of course, regimented routine works wonders and making their world really small with limited outside stimulation (stores, restaurants, etc) when they are having behavioral issues can also work wonders.

Good luck! I have so been there, and even tonight had to come home vs. taking the daughter shopping because she was backtalking and misbehaving.

P.S. - the other thing that helped some was doing "silly time" with her every day, One day I realized that I probably wasn't all that much fun to be around because I was so stressed about all that wasn't going right. So, I started taking some time to do an impomptu dance party,holding my nose and talking or making fish lips and silly faces at each other. It's fun and has an element of surprise...amazing how much you'll both giggle.

This is the very reason my 5YO is going to be an ONLY.

Sorry to say - I have no advice you probably haven't already heard or tried... I just wanted to say, you're NOT crazy - figure out a scheduled way to have time away from BOTH boys - take care of yourself... If I lived nearby, I'd volunteer my services - as I have already lost my cottonpickin' mind dealing my Kiddo anyway...

You'll make it.

I just want to throw this warning out there, around 8 and 10 they will be so good you will be tempted to forget this and have two more. :p Mark this post down somewhere. I love my younger two more than anything but noooot so sure they would exist if I had remembered how well behaved the older two were when I had decided two is the perfect number.

They grow up quick, they will be civilized before you know it. :)

Just don't have two more when that time comes. :p

Spirited aka difficult toddlers don't have to get their way, though they think so. Decide on the rules and your discipline for infractions and stick to them, CONSISTENTLY, for however long it takes for your son to learn this is how it is. YOU have to determine what works as a deterrent to inappropriate behavior for him, not try each and every thing in the hope it will be the magic fix, there really isn't one. Toddlers actually want boundaries and limits, it's how they learn what to expect and helps them to be more secure in the world. Truthfully you will be doing him a lifelong favor.

He may be only 18 months old but having seen what big brother did, no matter how young he was, he learned it was OK. Add to that he is feeling his independence and testing out his territory, the fact he has little to no self-control of his impulses, and he's the age at which children begin their "Terrible Twos," it really is typical behavior.

Just remember, parenting is not for wimps, but with diligent work on your part it will get better

You went to counseling for the older one. Can't you implement some of what you learned in counseling to help you deal with number 2? Can you go back to counseling?

I am so sorry that you are being challenged in this way. And I know it doesn't help for people to tell you that 5 - 10 years from now they'll probably be wonderful people. I'm sure all you're thinking is they (or you) may not last that long! LOL!

I would suggest getting a lock on the outside of his bedroom door so you can lock him in there when it gets to be too much. Also, the idea of getting a babysitter even if just one afternoon a week so you can have a break. Like the other poster said, kids are usually better for a sitter than for their own parent.

I also would get a sitter every time you, hubby and your 4 year old want to go to dinner. Make sure the LO knows that he cannot go because he does not know how to behave. If he wants to start going, he will have to show you at HOME that he can behave. Until then, he is housebound!

Breathe...hang in there....I'm in your shoes too. I have a very difficult 2-1/2 year old son. I could have wrote your post EXCEPT my older son is an angel. Here are some suggestions that work with my hard to deal with kid:

1. Get him moving. Take him to a park, get together a playgroup. Worse case scenario: put him in a daycare for a few hours a week. He'll learn to behave from people who deal with toddlers.

2. Throw on some rollerblades on the kid. No joke. Put the pads and helmet on. Let him learn to stand on his own and rollerblade. He'll get very frustrated at first. Once he figures it out, he'll be happy cause he's doing a big boy sport. Once he's good, get him out to theroller rink. My son is an angel at the rink; it's his absolute favorite thing to do.

3. Go garage sales and get a whole bunch of different types of riding toys. This will keep him busy and interested. He'll get bored with one then move on to another.

4. Playdoh and building blocks keeps him interested.

5. You need a break. Find a teen or sitter to stay with him for a while. You need to rejuvenate. Don't worry--kids behave better for sitters than for their moms.

6. Keep his bedroom door locked from the outside. Lock him in when he gets to be too much and you are at your breaking point. Make sure the room doesn't have a lot of stuff that you will have to clean up when he throws a tantrum.

Get him into preschool as soons as you can. It's a godsend.

Hope this helps:)

Take care.

T

I'm right there with you, though I am doing much, much better with my toddler this time around. I'm reading "how to talk" and other positive parenting books EVERYDAY, and I'm doing this:

http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully.

Also, when my son can't handle a no, I do the repeat back to him thing to affirm his feelings, put it into words, and I try to hold him. My guy is now 27 months (when my daughter was at her worst), and I have been able to defuse almost every tantrum by just affirming his feelings and keeping my calm. My calm, calms him and lets him handle the No.

Ignore as much as possible. And when he really acts up, say "this is not how we behave, and take him to his room for a 30 second time out." This gives you a break, and it lets him know you mean business. I do this when my son throws, pulls hair, etc. It works. He keeps trying out new behaviors, but I just keep putting him in his room --his latest is stomping his feet and yelling "NO."

The last thing I do is have a few glasses of wine every night! Smart, spirited kids are great fun, but man are they hard, especially when they have tempers! I knew my son had a temper at the age of 6 months!

Have you tried 1, 2, 3 Magic? I have twin boys who are very much like your children, only they feed off each other's behavior. Using this discipline system has brought some calm to our house. It also turns out my son has sensory processing disorder, so that's a whole other issue, but we've seen great improvements in their behavior.

wow, I am glad my kids are a little farther apart so I can get a break from things like this! I know what you are going through though because my almost three year old did this starting when he was 15mnths old, plus he was so clingy...and of course he only wanted me, not daddy. I felt like I could never get things done and that I was going to go crazy. Finally I started ignoring him when he screamed. I didn't care where it was. (though I will say we never went to sit down restraunts with him except for cheap buffets. I don't agree with going to places like olive garden and other sit down restraunts with young children because alot of people go there to get away from their kids so why should i make them deal with mine screaming) in the store if he wanted to scream in the cart then fine, if he wanted to scream and throw himself on the floor at home fine. And I let him know that I would only be picking him up and cuddling him if he was going to behave nicely (he did the headbutting thing too.) because when he did headbutt or bit it hurt. within a month he stopped. He wasn't getting any attention and thats what he wanted. Now if he wants attention he tries to get us to laugh.