Spirit of Giving

Don't get him anything except maybe a pacifier because he sounds like a big baby that needs to move on with his life.

My girls and I have a tradition of baking cookies at Christmastime. Whenever we "need" to give a present, we give a big plate of cookies and talk about how we ALL made them together and worked so hard and so much thought was put into it etc... Anyone who is listening is very touched and if they are not, then they don't deserve it! It is actually fun to do with the kids and we enjoy making them so much that we don't even need to eat them. You could try that.

Men of that age can just be so clueless and selfish! My brother is the same way. I don't think they mean it but I know it can be frustrating. Christmas is not really about presents or gifts anyway, so I just stopped giving him anything. You can say it is due to the economy too. It was a lot easier to not have to deal with thinking of what to get and then going shopping for it and everything. I don't even think he minded.

Gifts are for children. As adults, we can get what we want, when we want it, so a gift isn't necessary. I love it when I get gifts from family and my husband, but .... it is not the expectation. Don't get him anything. He is a big boy now and knows that Santa isn't real. Give him a picture of his nieces and call it good!

J.-
I'm sorry that your Christmas gets infected with this guy. What I would do is donate a gift to Toys for Tots and present him with a certificate that says in lieu of gift this year a toy has been donated (or whatever you decide to do). You get to really give. And he gets to see how its supposed to work.
S.

You are definitely not obligated to get this bum anything. Send him a Christmas card and leave it at that. Or maybe get him some kind of gag gift that will send a good message, like a book "Leaving the Nest by 30: A Dummies Guide to Getting Off Your Butt and Moving Out of Your Parents House"

Good Morning J., No body is obligated to give a Christmas gift to any body, we do it because it makes us feel good, and we the receiver to feel loved. I don't by for my I don't by for bil's and i only buy for one sister inlaw (my youngest brother's wife) they are here every year for Christmas, don;t feel like you have to give him something, in my opinion he should at least a little something for the girls, even if it is just a candy cane, but don't base your giving or not giving on what your he does, base it on what your heart tells you to do. I wish you and your family a Very Merry Christmas. J. L.

Hi J.,
cool name! What a shmuck this guy sounds like. He's young and sounds very imature. I wouldn't want to get him anythng either. Sad he is missing out on being an awesome uncle, and seeing your kids grow up. Selfish idiot.
Anyway, tell your husband that if he wants to get your BIL something, he can get it himself with his own money, your not wasting your time with him.
I have a similar stuation regarding getting someone a present. My BIL celebrates his SOBER birthday and his normal birthday and expects presents for both. Let me just tell you that he has been sober for about 12 years....HELLO??? Present??? Get over it, people are sober every day of their lives, it's just a way of life.
Agravating.....
Anyway, wouldn't it be pricless to have him walk in the door and see the look on his face when there is nothing for him!! Wish I was a fly on the wall!
Good luck!

He is what he is. It ain't gonna change.

Just do as you believe.
Just because he has an attitude of entitlement and "expects" gifts for himself... that does not mean it has to be your reality too.

What some people do is:
(1) Have grab bags.... for the adults. Tell him this. If he does not contribute a "grab bag", then he can't get one either. Designate a price limit of grab bag gifts... so no one is monetarily stretched beyond their means.
(2) You and those who love them, can get gifts for your kids.
(3) buy some $10 or under "token gifts." Then give that to him if you feel at the moment that you "have to." Token gifts are those things that you buy "just in case" so that you can give them spur of the moment to someone IF need be, or if you received a gift from someone you did not expect. ie: last minute type things. Token gifts can be like a box of chocolate, a mug, coffee, a book, a $10 gift card for a store etc. And just ahead of time, wrap it up. Then give it out as you need to. But it is NOT an "emotional" investment. Just a "token gift" period. It does not have to "mean" anything.

Next, he gave you the middle finger and excludes "spouses" from dinner. Well, so what does your HUSBAND think of that and the whole stinky-ness of HIS brother?
I don't think it is "your" responsibility to get your BIL something for Christmas. If anything, your Husband can get something for him. That is your Husband's brother... who is intentionally mean & rude, to you- His Wife, and her children.
If that were my Husband's brother treating me and my kids that way... my Hubby would not tolerate it.

Lastly, do not expect anything more from your BIL. Again, he is what he is. Why expel so much heart and emotion, for/toward him... when he is just a vacuum of greed and selfishness.

Good luck,
Susan

I have family like this as well. When I was old enough to get a job I put aside money from each paycheck for Christmas and then bought everyone who was coming a gift. Granted I had a part time job and the gifts were small back then. As I got older... I started making more so I was able to invest more in to the gifts. I have 4 cousins who are relatively close to me in age. While they weren't working I never expected anything from them... but when they started working I thought... you know.. I did it and so should they... but not only me they didn't get anyone anything but certainly expected to get something from me and from everyone else in the family. I stopped buying for them and won't get them anything until they start giving as well... I think it's only fair that way. Yes, like yourself, I started to harbor resentment toward them. Call it pettiness, but I realized that I wasn't going to be the only one giving.

J.,

I think you should have your two girls "make" him a Christmas gift/s this year and be done with it. The girls will have fun, you won't feel guilty for leaving him out and he won't be able to say anything negative without sounding like a 'you know what'. Let us know how it turns out.

Hello, I personally wouldn'g give this guy the time of day, much less a gift. If anyone has a problem with it, I would tell them that a gift is something that is given from the heart and that he has not earned a place in yours.
Good luck with your precious family.
By the way, I hope that your husband didn't attend the dinner that you were told you weren't invited to.
K. K.

Hi... Yes, Christmas is about giving HOWEVER you shouldn't feel obligated to give your BIL a gift if he doesn't appreciate it and just expects it. I would put the ownis on your husband and let him decide if he wants to buy him a gift - after all - it's his brother!

First of all, vent away!! That's what we're here for. The guy takes but doesn't give. It sucks. We all have people like that in our lives. When they are just friends, we can kind of wean ourselves off of them. But he's your family so it's tricky. What I would do is start giving him "thoughtful" gifts, something homemade and frankly lame. A doily. A painted pinecone. When he opens it, look at him like you are so proud of the loving, personal, non-material gift. Who knows, he may even stop coming over :)

He sounds very insulting to me. Whether or not your family members have kids, if they're married their spouses should always be included in the deal. Personally, I wouldn't spend money on getting him a gift unless you want to give him a fruitcake or something. If your husband truly wants to get him something, let him, but I would discuss your issues about your BIL with your hubby. He needs to put a stop to it.

Hi J.,

You certainly do not NEED to give anything to anyone. In fact, true giving comes from the heart and a gift given out of obligation really loses it's meaning.

Having said that, I would ask you to reconsider your thoughts about this situation (for your own sake, not your BIL's). You are choosing how to interpret his actions. You are choosing to feel resentment and disappointment based on your own expectations of how he should or shouldn't behave.

Consider changing your approach. Can you look at him with compassions, rather than as someone who hasn't given enough. (Again, you do this for your sake, not his.) Based on the things you've said here, there are a number of reasons to feel compassion for him. He's 25 and living at home. Not including spouses in the gift card tells me that, either he is struggling for money or that he has his own issues about not having a spouse himself.

This year, try to welcome him with a new perspective. Give without the hope of receiving and see what a difference it makes in the way he behaves. Trust that he is doing the best he knows how. And, remember the long list of blessings in your life to be grateful for this season.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
www.GilaBrown.com

Don't give him anything! Simple. I wouldn't.

Enjoy your holidays! :)

Dear J.,

The ingratitude alone would make me want to send this guy back to where ever he lives empty handed. The rudeness is like salt in a wound. The only way to try to improve the situation would be to get this guy to feel like he could seriously help out...by helping you prepare your house for the holidays (cleaning or something)...because you are just too tired.
Sometimes too many gifts "unearned" make a person feel smaller...esp a person who probably feels like they should be more independent rather than dependent. This all may be more a reflection of sadness and anger inside of him.

I wouldn't get him anything. If your husband wants to get him a gift from him alone, that's his choice.

There should never be a feeling of obligation when giving a gift. They should always come from the heart.

Yes, give him Dr Laura's Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives. That should say everything you want.

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!
You are not spending time away form your children working so that your good for nothing BIL can have a Christmas gift!
Be firm, be committed and if need be explain simply that gifts are for children only, with the economy and all...
Bad manners should not be rewarded. IF your husband feels differently, I'd take issue with him too. I chose my battles very carefully, I tend to go with the flow, but not on this type of targeted disrespect and rudeness. If you can't do it, lay it at your husbands feet, have him man up and set a good example for your children and put your feelings and what is right and just first... Who by the way should not know about this...ha ha
Good luck!

To me, he sounds young, immature, girlfriendless, and childless. He just doesn't know any better, so I don't know how hard I would really be on him. That being said, you yourself seem to be questioning the spirit of giving. The spirit of giving is to give without expecting anything in return, and to me, it seems like you not only expect certain things, but you are judging the quality of the things being given. Doesn't really seem to fit the "spirit" to me. If you want to give him a gift, give him a gift, but don't expect one in return, and certainly not one to meet your high expectations of a man who clearly doesn't know any better. I think the suggestion of giving pics of your kids and having them make gifts for him is fabulous!

Hope I did not offend. Merry Giftmas! =D

Ugh. First, as I was reading, I was like "oh just get him a present he is just young and clueless, and a guy... he's your husband's brother after all..." then I read the bit about the restaurant gift card that specifically excludes the spouses. What an idiot! That is such an outright dis. Don't get him anything. Or just leave that one in your husband's court, it's his brother, if he wants to get him something, fine, but you don't need to put any of your own thought and precious time into finding something special for him. Nuh uh.

OMG, What a jerk!!! Seems like you have given too much!!! I no present this year. 25 yrs old??? and still at home with mommy and daddy, YIKES someone really needs to get a life!

Jeez, what a little jerk. No present for him going forward. Christmas is for the children. If you feel the need to "keep the peace", give him a fruit cake -- LOL!!!

yea, every family has people like that. my advice is to not put a single minute more of thought into this situation. it really doesn't matter. just get him something small, inexpensive (box of chocolate, etc.) and move on. That way you've done something and you can just move on from the negative thoughts. I know, I know, he doesn't deserve it, etc. but hopefully you can be bigger than him.
:)

You could always give him a lump of coal, and tell him it's because Santa knows he's not a very nice person:-)

OK, really though, you just have to laugh it off. One day, he'll be a bit more grown up and will laugh at the absurdity of his behavior. Plus, lots of young single people really don't get what it means to be married to someone. Embarrasingly enough, I remember that when I was in my late 20s and my husband and I were planning for our very low-budget wedding, we told folks not to bring their kids (too expensive) and even considered asking some guests (whose spouses we did not know) not to bring their spouses. Happily, better minds prevailed, but we were pretty close to going there. We weren't being mean-spirited but we just still didn't get what people's spouses mean to one another.

Have the girls make him a nice homemade gift. Cookies, handprint crafts, Christmas ornaments etc. He probably won't appreciate it but can't say anything bad about it without sounding like a major jerk.
I wouldn't buy him anything myself, if hubby wants his brother to have a gift then he should make the effort to buy it. My BIL gets nothing from us(me) since he gives nothing to us or the kids for Christmas or birthdays.

Well J., I would not be obliged to by that brother anything. Christmas is for the children. We have stopped long since giving gifts to our brothers and sisters. He doesn't have to buy your children anything either. It either comes from the heart or it doesn't. He seems like the spoiled, selfish youngest child where everything is all about him. I don't believe you need to give a gift to him. And as for his gift last year to the parents and siblings only, he has a need to be in control of who is around him. Too bad he doesn't need your gift or time!

That is the wierdest thing I've ever heard to exclude spouses for a dinner? Seriously? How immature and rude. I would speak with your husband and work on the gift idea together. I can understand your feelings. I think all that's really required here is to be polite since it's family. Don't you have communication with the entire family about gift expectations? Why not consider a secret santa exchange and make sure you don't pick the brother in law!

Hi J.,

If you don't want to get him a gift then don't. He's your husband's bro and if your husband wants to get him something then he can. He can shop for it, wrap it and give it. You don't have to be involved in the process at all. Giving should be pleasure not a burden.

S.

I agree with Sandy S. That is a great idea. You not only get to give to someone that will truly apprieciate and at the same time kind of give him a kick in the butt.

I am wondering what your husband's reaction is to his brother's behavior. What does he think? I'd probably just get him one, small dollar amount gift and call it a day.