Spin off of Questions About Cousin and "Sex Talk"...

I'm not threatend at all. In fact, I've always told my children (both teenagers) it's always good to get different opinions so they are able to look at things in different ways. I've also told them to do more research about things if I feel they're not getting enough information from me or their dad so they CAN form their own opinions.

In fact, I can remember just recently, my daughter said something and I said: "you're just saying that because that's how I feel!" She said: "no, I honestly feel the same way!" Then we talked about it and I realized she knew what she was talking about and had formed her own opinion.

There was also one time when I disagreed with something my son had said and I said: "we'll just have to agree to disagree!" And we left it at that.

I feel I've done a pretty good job of raising my children to be independent thinkers and am darn proud of them. And I agree, knowlege and information are wonderful and I feel you're never too old to learn!!!

Good question!

Kari, I find it sort of funny that you claim to be so open to differing opinions, yet you attack anyone who has one that is different than your own (enter your previous, relentless posts on gay marriage).

*I* get to choose what my child is exposed to. That is my job as a parent. It is *my* job to make sure that they are getting CORRECT information, not anybody else's.

Further, tweens & teens are NOT cognitively able to filter through information and decide what to believe. You said "by the tween/teen years I think most kids have a pretty strong sense of who they are and what they believe." Wrong. You seriously think that? Our frontal lobes aren't even fully developed until well into our twenties. You knew exactly who you were and what you believed as a teenager? Doubtful. Impossible, actually. Those developmental times are crucial. It's important to filter your kids from the wrong exposure (not hide them from everything, which is also harmful).

Well, we see that some support censorship by not dirtying their drinking glass with any opinion but daddy's.

I don't want my kids' mind dirtied by hate, intolerance and unchristian bigotry. So we use it as an example of "you can't fix stupid".

Oddly, their glasses remain clean because they CHOOSE the right path, integrity, tolerance and thinking for themselves.
_____________________
what is that old saying about people obsessed with homophobia?

There is actually a thing called "the not-mother". I went to hear a speaker hired by TweenTalk (I think), which is a program geared toward tween girls 9-11 at my daughter's school. It was a couple years ago, so I'm foggy on the details, but the premise of the speaker - and I can post more info when I get home and look at the book - is that the BEST source of information that a tween girl can get is from a trusted female adult THAT IS NOT THEIR PARENT. Tween girls are something like 75% more likely to listen and confide about what is actually going on in their life.... because they feel like there won't be consequences. With a parent.... they may wait until they are IN trouble. Because they feel (even if their mom is NOT prone to freak-outs) that if they go to their mom and say "I'm 15 and I've been dating this dude for a year and we want to have sex" that they'll have to hear the lecture and that it will ruin their relationship. So they don't. Instead they do it and then only talk to their moms if there was a problem (pregnancy, STD etc).
Whereas they can go to the not-mom and ask for advice BEFORE because they will get straight up advice without their image being tainted or the lecture.
So, she advocated SEEKING OUT a not-mom for your tween. A friend, your sister, your mom etc. One of the exercises they had the girls do was identify older adults they could talk to and then talk to their moms about if it was ok to ask *whoever* about *whatever*.

I also am not afraid of information my daughter gets from sources that are not me. I'm raising a kid who can look at what someone tells her and break it down.... research it and see what SHE thinks. I preface A LOT of what I say with "People will do/believe/think different things. Here is what I believe and here is why". Now that she is older, I really like having these conversations with her, so for us it's a dialogue. I like hearing what SHE would do in a situation that comes up.... and why. It makes me feel more confident that NO MATTER what she comes up against when I'm not around she can think through it herself.

I remember when I was about 10 I had to stay the night with a family friend...well, 3 nights. My mother was in the hospital having my 2nd brother, so they were taking care of me. I went with them to church and a baptism. Now...they knew that I was Christian and had been going to church 3 times a week since I was a baby. They knew I had recently been baptized. They knew that my parents were their good friends even though they were Mormon and we were Non-Denominational Christian.
So, what did this mother do? She asked me if I had been baptized and then told me that MY baptism wasn't "real" and the only way for it to be "real" was for me to be baptized in the Mormon church.
She screwed me up something serious.
I questioned everything I had grown up believing. She didn't have the RIGHT to do that to me. I stopped going to church as soon as I could, I fell away from God and the church for years, and when I look back now I can see that all of that happened because of her.
She had no business doing what she did.
I believe in Gay rights and my brother doesn't....at all. I would never step in and tell his girls that their father is wrong and I am right. It's not my place. I am a Democrat and my other brother isn't. I would never tell him that he is wrong and I am right! It's not my place. I would not want someone else besides me talking to my children about reproductive rights.
But you see....I think I am pretty open with my kids. We talk a lot about how some people believe one way and some believe another. We talk about everyone having the right to believe how they want to. We talk about what *I* believe and how I don't really believe a lot of what my family believes but that doesn't mean they are "bad" people. I love them. We just have differing opinions and that is fine.
The thing is....these are my kids. I don't want someone having a conversation with them and telling my kids I am wrong. I am not concerned about having open and honest conversations...I welcome them! But I am concerned about people putting down another just because of their beliefs. I find that THAT happens way more often then people just having an open conversation.
L.

Oh, I'm sure there are PLENTY of "differencing" beliefs you don't want your child hearing, while there impressionable. Don't be naive, here. There are plenty of things, you would not be happy with your kids hearing. It have nothing to do with "undermining," but hearing something FALSE.

I don't for a second believe you'd be OK with another adult telling your children, that being gay is evil, or SO many other things. Hey, their family hates gays, it's just a differing opinion. Or, their family things birth control is a mortal sin. Just a differing opinion. Or, their family doens't believe in interracial relationships. Just a differing opinion. No harm, right? Pulling out, is birth control! Differing opinion. There are MANY things, you wouldn't be happy about.

2Boys - She clearly stated- " I am not the least bit concerned about anything another adult might tell my older children concerning the way they think, live or pray." I disagree with that. She would be VERY Concerned, if people were saying things like this...and worst. And parent who would NOT be concerned about this, is failing at their job. OF COURSE, my child can and will come to me with information, that is confusing and strange. However, why would a child come to a parent, that is not "the least bit concerned." That is a DANGEROUS mentality to have as a parent. They should be concerned, interested in, and curious about what their children hear. If they aren't, their children are likely to never come to them. Why should they? It's an information free for all, anything goes.

You can only control so much and for a finite amount of time. I never was one to censor a lot of what my children saw after a certain age. We have discussed and debated a lot of different topics. The 2 that are 18 and older are wonderfully funny skeptics. I love that they have their own, informed opinions (that are not always the same as mine). Teaching your kids to be critical thinkers is a highly undervalued skill.

I am definitely one of those mom's who want to know exactly what content and context other adults talk to my kids about their thoughts, lives, and/or prayers. I understand and know that not all adults motives are pure about wanting to have certain conversations with tweens or teens in these matters. Tweens and teens are vulnerable parts of our population.

I also try to maintain an open communication system with my teens that promotes conversation. I do however have teens that love having a so called secret life, with unknown friends and the like. It makes them feel independent but also puts them at risk as well. I know that I have done a great job with them but I also know from experience that things, aweful horrible unwanted things can happen to them involving seemingly trustworthy adults.

The bad guys in real life are often not creepy or odd or resembling the boggey man. The bad guys in real life can be people you would trust and entrust your children to and with.

You would be very surprised just how quickly your tween or teen can get swept away by a silvertongued devil in disguise. I'm just cautious with them while trying not to be overly protective. It is a delicate balancing act.

In my opinion, there is a WORLD of difference between talking to a teenager about facts, and sharing opinions.

In my post about my cousins, her mom was extremely upset because I told her daughter (who was feeling pressured by her boyfriend about sex and had started experimenting, tried to ask her mom about it, and was only told that she can't have sex until she got married...) that oral sex is still sex, that sex can be dangerous, and that she shouldn't let herself be pressured into it. I gave her solid FACTS... I didn't in any way contradict what her mother had taught her. I just gave her a bit more information on a topic that could endanger her health if she proceeded without knowing the facts. (Telling a teenager 'no sex' isn't going to stop it from happening... Telling the same teenager that having sex may allow her to get infected with AIDS and die just might... It'll at least get her to think twice!)

I feel that is completely different from talking about things that are purely opinion based. Her parents are extremely religious, and anti-gay marriage... I personally am agnostic, and pro-LGBT rights. So, I made a point to NOT discuss these things with her. Her parents have the right to teach her the morals they think are important... When she is an adult, she will be able to seek out all the alternative information she wants, and I will be more than happy to share my views with her then.

Well, I strongly supported your talk with your cousin's daughter, and I believe older children and teens should be given enough information, and sufficient critical thinking skills, to make wise decisions for themselves.

However I am just old-fashioned enough to say that with younger children (mine's 6), there's a time and a place for everything. There's any number of topics that I'd prefer to delay, and I do believe that parents should have some reasonable say as to when the word goes out.

If a teen asks me a question, I usually answer it. I give them the facts. Then I tell them my opinion and then tell them to ask their parents how they feel.

If I overheard my teen talking with another teen and the information was incorrect, I corrected the info.

I also either stated if it was fact, If it was my opinion and I liked to let them know the other side of the story or information.. Because i think teens need to be able to decide on their own.

I do not understand parents that are not open with teens about all subjects.
We have no limits with our child. She can ask us anything.

If you child asks you a question, don't you answer them?

Even if it is an uncomfortable question?

I would rather they ask their parent, then have to ask someone else because their parents refuse.

Here is my concern (or one of them):

It isn't so that they will "ONLY get my side of the story", it is more so that they will get a FULL story. Lots of people (who aren't the parent of my child(ren)) may think they are doing a favor by "giving information" to my kids. But giving a bunch of information isn't necessarily helpful. I'm not talking specifically/only about the scenario with the sister/niece from the earlier post. Lots of people only give partial information, or information only and no context/explanation and call it done. Because maybe for THEM, it IS done. Let me give you an example from dinner just last night after attending freshman open house with our kids...

We were discussing how early the bus came, and daughter (11) commented that it was so early because they had to get everyone to school in time to eat breakfast. Son (14) says, yeah.. for the people who eat breakfast AT SCHOOL. I've never done that, maybe I'll try it this year. Daughter says.... yeah, it's free anyway.

Now. They did not hear from me or my husband that breakfast at school is "free". Why? Because it isn't. The schools and teachers tell them it is, because the kids do not get charged cash or on their school lunch account for it, but that doesn't make it free. So... our kids, after a couple of minutes talking through it, totally get that WE are STILL paying for all those breakfasts through our taxes. It ISN'T free. Never was. And that the schools/teachers will still continue to call it free. But can you see how much of an impact just that one little choice word (free) can have regarding how they view the government and taxes?
I could give you more examples... but I have another open house to get ready for shortly.
I wonder what we will learn tonight.. ?

For me, it would be the religious conversations I imagine might come up when my son is older. My entire family is more or less fundamentalist Christian and we (husband and I) are secular humanists. I really love my family but do struggle with their intolerance of any religion or faith other than theirs and theirs alone, as well as their intolerance of homosexuality or nontraditional relationships in general. This would be very confusing for him, as we have many lesbian and gay friends and couples in our community, and my husband and I lived together as a committed couple for several years before becoming pregnant with him-- we married when he was 1.5 years old, but that does not make him 'illegitimate'. This word has been bandied about in our family before-- it's very sad. No person is NOT legitimate. And homosexuality is nothing short of pure biology, just in case I need to say it again-- no one would choose to be chastised, castigated or have basic civil rights denied to them as a 'lifestyle choice', as if it were like choosing a Prius over an SUV or 'trendy urban living' over farming.

My son is only five, but we are discussing sexuality, violence and religion frankly in age-appropriate ways. I agree-- he's going to have his own convictions on certain things by the time he's a teen, and if he chooses to follow a religious path (which is not extreme or intolerant) we will support this. I just don't want some of the scare tactics used on him that were used on me.

Kari--I get your point.

There is a world of difference between a 16 year old ASKING an adult questions because she NEEDS facts and someone preaching their morality at a kid! Seems like a lot of people don't see that basic difference.

Kind of like the door-to-door preachers that pound on your door until you speak to them and someone walking into a church to find out about it, right?

When my children are older, different opinions will not bother me unless of coarse they are to graphic for the conversation.

I believe most people that do this are scared that their child will no longer be "innocent". Or that the beliefs of the other person will corrupt the child's mind. This I do not understand. But to each their own opinion.

Anyone wanna have that talk with my 4 year old when he is old enough(eh 20 maybe 30 years haha JK!) ? I will gladly give the embarrassing talk to someone else!

Bug- while I do understand your point. If you raise your child to believe in their faith, and opinions. When they come home just ask them. Now that so and so said ..., what do you believe? They do need to learn that their opinion is not the only! sorry feel like debating!

ETA- Bug has amazing points on all of this... If only if only it wouldn't take up the whole page haha...

If you can say "I wouldn't care if another adult talked to my kids UNLESS......" then that right there says that you would not be ok with another adult talking to your child.

You've posted enough controversial topics that got lots of differing views. So seeing that there are such differing views how could you say you would totally be ok with another adult talking to your kids about major topics that can mold their lives for good or bad?