Spin off-Mom of the Bad Child!!!!!!!

I hope that is not true. In my opinion, the basis of your childs morals and values instilled from birth by YOU cannot just be erased by someone else through peer pressure. In my opinion, people get lost in those forks in the road and may choose the wrong path for a bit, but in the end, they either turn around and head the right way, back to their roots of who they are, or they sink farther into who they are not and follow a "pack". make sense?

I think peer pressure temporarily befuddles.

I don't believe that another child can come in and erase all the work you've done. I think that they can influence your child and temporarily derail them, especially in the efforts to fit in or rebellion. But the most important lessons learned are always from the parents. Always.

i love how you are so willing to own your past indulgences with this child and fix it going forward. so few are willing to do that.
i don't quite agree with the stranger. i think our morals and values are what will win out, they're the bedrock of our children's own value systems. but kids are absolutely subject to influence from other kids, and that influence is often negative. there's a large interplay between the two. that's why it's very important to have a strong underpinning of ethics in one's family philosophy. if they have that, they'll probably be okay even if they go through a butthead-because-my-friends-are period.
khairete
S.

I don't necessarily believe that all the work gets "erased", but I do believe that it can get buried and sometimes it takes a while to resurface.

All your work? No. I don't think so. I think a lot of us run off the rails temporarily (college) but usually come back to be decent people with the values our parents instilled in us. I do think it's important for parents to take the kid aside and deal with it when they follow their peers to a point you don't agree with. Regroup and go on.

I don't think ALL the work you have done is erased by some friends who come along. I think that all kids, at one time or another, rebel a bit against what they have been taught at home, in a subconscious effort to distance themselves from their parents and become their own independent person.
Some kids do this earlier than others. Some do this in middle school. Some in high school. Some not until college. But in most cases (note that I don't say "all" because there are kids that break all the rules and never internalize their families ideals/moral code) they eventually return to a general semblance of the morals they were brought up with.

So will you daughter stray away from what you have taught her, test out her own moral code, stretch the rules and expectations, test your reaction against her behavior? Yes. She will. Will she stay that way permanently? Probably not. I suppose it depends on how her behavior is received, not just by you but by society in general. And how she feels about her behavior herself. At first she may feel very empowered. Eventually, she might feel embarrassed or guilt about her behavior. Then, when she starts feeling unhappy because of her choices (not necessarily the tangible outcomes, but the way she feels inside--the guilty conscience and stress of hiding things all the time) she will change her behavior to something she can be proud of.

Interestingly, this seems to come about around the same time that they establish true independence from parents.
At least it did for me. :)

I am sure, all of us women/Moms... went through our own childhoods, not perfectly nor as perfect angels... and have all gone through our own childhood phases/mistakes/peer pressure, and times of not thinking about consequences, and rebellion, and trying to fit in, and trying to problem-solve things... but as a child with a child's mind per our age, and despite what our parents taught us.

But, where are we now, as a parent and adult and woman?
I am sure we all think we have upstanding values and actions and reactions to things?
So despite what mistakes or phases we might have gone through as a child and Teenager and even as a college kid... we all came out okay. And we are all parents now, of our own children.
And we all remember what our parents taught us.

So, the evolving of a child is not finite, nor static, nor permanent. And I am sure our own parents, intervened or guided us as kids, when he hit bad spots in our lives or difficult times. Our parents, most parents, do not just give up on their child or just assume they will not learn.
So then, a child, learns... and is more able to direct themselves to a better way of being. And then becomes an adult.

That is childhood.
And we as Moms/women, were also that child, who may have had bad or difficult phases in their lives, and/or less than desirable friends, etc. Too.
But hopefully, our parents did not then just peg us, as being permanently "bad" or given up on us.

All people, remember how their parents raised them and guided them.
It is not forgotten or erased.
And there will always be "other kids" who enter our kids' lives who may seem to derail things.... but, if a parent is always present in their child's lives and does not give up on them or stereotype them... and still believes in their child... then a child can still be the child that we value.... and see them become a nice adult.

We need to remember... that kids are kids... they do NOT have, perfect rocket scientist mentalities, about how to solve their problems nor do they have the correct answers or coping-skills to things. They are children. They fumble. They do not know, the best way to handle things all the time. The human brain is not even fully developed until 26 years old.

One thing I try to do with my kids is, not to stereotype them, about whatever they may do, even about mistakes. And to make sure... my kids can TELL me, anything about what is going on in their lives. I never just give up on them, I always still believe in them, realize they are children, and I know that my parenting them & what I teach them is not erased.
There will always be life lessons in our kids' lives.
And they may fall off the track.
But it does not mean that they have "forgotten" whatever we teach them. It is also our job... to get them back on track.
And help them, find their way again.
And to not stereotype our kids.

We Moms/women... were all children once too.
That has to be remembered.

I had a lot of phases/rebellion as a kid myself.
I am now an adult and a Mom.
I have NEVER forgotten what my Mom or late Dad taught me.
I am still... my late Dad's daughter.
He never gave up on me nor compared me nor thought he was better than me.
That is what a parent does.
Even with whatever difficulty your child may have.

Good advice. And you also need to remember yourself at the same age. Were you perfect at not lying or getting away with stuff? I think most of us have a naughty phase we go through at that age. It's a learning process about ourselves and we're testing the waters between adolescence and adulthood.
Sounds like you're on the right track. Keep it up, good luck, and keep the faith!